I spent a rather teary afternoon with a friend before heading home tomorrow. I'm still just plain old sad, though, and anticipating H.'s return home - particularly after the only period of low contact that we've ever had - is causing me a great deal of anxiety in anticipation of what he'll be like and what will happen once he gets here.
This is clearly nothing that I can control, so I'm going to drop it as much as possible right now and keep focusing on things I can to do make me happy and make my life better.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Sorry you had a teary afternoon, they will happen, but continue to stay strong Meghan, one of the hardest things to get over is your brain anticipating and running through things. Think of some activities or positive things to shift to when those creep up and hopefully at least some of the time it will shift your train of thought.
Find things that you enjoy and focus on them. It will be positive for yourself as well as be a positive in your H's eyes when he is ready to change.
Stay strong ~asat
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
It's hard to go back to reality but hold on tight to all the progress you've made. Don't beat yourself up as you adapt to being in proximity again. Remember to keep your boundaries strong and especially remember that you are a pearl of great price.
Hugs to you, Meghan! You can do this!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Planning for what I'll do when I get home had really helped temper the emotions.
I have tea scheduled with a friend tomorrow, and a new show to watch in the evening (or a new book to read, if I'd rather do that). There might even be some guitar playing involved and I have new music from a friend to listen to. I'm going to try out some new vegetarian meals for the next few days. I think I might get in a few bike rides and yoga session, too, and maybe even work on perfecting my green smoothie recipe - health is important!
I'm also looking forward to getting in some more cleaning and rearranging of the apartment - it's become too important to me to let slide and I think it has a bearing on my mental and emotional states. I've even decided to spring for a meditation cushion so I can set up a little area for myself.
That should do me for a few days, but I want to be sure that I get in touch soon with some groups that I might want to join (quilting, knitting, and wind ensemble) to get me out and about a bit more.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Sounds like you are doing very well with looking after yourself. Keep it up, makes all the difference in the world. And who knows what the future will bring with a new you.
Went to bed earlier than usual last night and am feeling much better this morning. I must, must, must remember how important sleep is to maintaining a more even keel when it comes to emotions. I need to be sure to add in healthier eating and more regular meditation on top of all that.
When I'm feeling better I find myself torn. On one hand, I just want to save my marriage, and to feel like I've tried everything I can to make things better. I love H. - or, at least, a version of H. - and I want to see that through. When I said "I do", I meant it, and I anticipated that this would be a forever thing. I can see how we could have a new, much stronger relationship that encourages and challenges both of us in important ways.
On the other hand, I'm angry, and I wonder about the cost that saving my marriage could come at. I'm owning what I did to contribute to our issues and working on them (admittedly in an imperfect way) because I want to make things better. I can see where we both went wrong and appreciate the ways that we thought we were caring for the other person, even if we weren't all that effective about it. But he doesn't seem to see anything other than how I've hurt him - none of my good contributions, and none of the ways that perhaps he wasn't the wonderful partner he thinks he is.
Could things change? Of course. Will it take time? Absolutely.
I'm working on change to address my contributions and he could too. And there are things he could change that would help him, me, and the relationship. But at some point, change must happen. I'm willing to take this on by myself for now and do what needs to be done (despite the fact that many of the changes he wants are not things he's willing to accept from me right now). I can usually leave the anger and the resentment behind and do what I need to do. I'm starting to do that now. But there are times when it's insanely frustrating.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I'm so glad you had a good night's sleep! It does do wonders.
I know what you mean about feeling torn. I also think to myself - I had 18 REALLY GOOD years. I was really very happy. I've had 8 really, really crappy months. Years vs. months....When I give it that perspective, I remind myself that I need to give it time. And I've got time. Still angry. Still have stuff to fix (both in myself and in my marriage). But I've got time.
It's interesting that you compare years versus months, MLP. My H. said in counseling that I've only been unhappy for four months, whereas he's been unhappy for four years. He seemed to be implying that I haven't had any issues in the marriage and that I'm only unhappy now because he's unhappy with me, and that I've had four years of bliss thanks to him.
But looking back, I've been getting progressively more resentful for years. The SSM was certainly a result of the wrong hormones and my anxiety - I won't downplay that - but I think resentment contributed too, even if I wasn't consciously aware of it. And I've had friends remind me of conversations that we've had over the years now where I've expressed concerns and frustration with how some things were in our marriage. One friend even reminded me of one of those conversations from right before we were married, so this is long-standing.
Trouble is, at this point, I don't know how much the lens of the last few months is colouring the previous three and a half years, or how much I'm entangling my issues with the marriage and some additional concerns about my own life. Sure, I had complaints (valid ones!) that need to be addressed and that I really shouldn't ignore, but there was happiness there, too. It's just difficult to see where the balance was.
Like you, though, I'm willing to give it time. I'm just not sure that he is. The four months since BD isn't all that much time, and it was months before I found DB, so I was doing everything wrong for a good while. But even though we've only been in counseling for two months and even though it took years to get here, H. has seemed frustrated that things haven't gotten better yet.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I’m rereading DB and finally got DR (slow shipping), and I’ve been working my way through all kinds of forum threads here. I’m trying to figure out what I should be doing when H. gets back from his trip.
I think I have the GALs mostly under control and I know what I need to do there. I’m out running and doing yoga, going to games nights, and spending a lot more time with friends. I think I’m doing better with the PMA as well. If nothing else, H. hasn’t seen me upset other than in counseling. I’ve been positive, calm, and generally pretty happy. I’m planning to keep this up once he’s home.
The problem I’m having is with 180s and figuring out what I should be doing in these circumstances.
So far, my 180s are largely focused on things I’ve wanted to work on for myself to get me more even keeled and less inclined towards anxiety and worry. Happily, they also address some of H.’s issues with feeling like my therapist. So far, they include:
- tackling my anxiety more aggressively - dealing with my anxiety without depending on H. to talk me through it - completing my work without validating it with H. - contacting H. less frequently and relying on him to do more with starting conversations - going out on my schedule and not conforming to his - going out more often to spend time with friends and on activities that I enjoy - letting H. have more time alone without getting fussy or demanding - spending a bit more money without fussing about the budget - dressing nicely and wearing new makeup
A few other things I’ve been working on that somewhat less directly benefit me include:
- complimenting H.’s weight loss (I don’t compliment people often, so this is also something that I'm working on in general) - complimenting and asking questions about the projects he’s working on when he mentions them to me (ditto) - listening to H. more actively (also good in general) - not asking him about where he’s going or how long he’ll be when he goes out
I’m not sure what to do next, though. Is there any point in taking up some 180s that are good for me but that also more directly benefit the relationship? Is this a reasonable approach? If so, I’m not sure what to do because it seems like many of my options are kind of contrary to each other.
Because he feels like I left the relationship as a result of a lack of physical and emotional intimacy, the 180 to deal with these complaints would be to do things like rub his back, stroke his hair, offer sex, and engage him a lot more. But he’s said he doesn’t want those things from me right now, and feels like I’m just doing it to make things better.
Conversely, I spent a good bit of time after BD pursuing and getting upset and needy (all the not good stuff? I did it. For months.) He’s also said we spend too much time together now and that he needs space. He’s really hurt and angry right now, and appears to be trying to get away from me. The 180 here would be to back off and let him have space (I do think I managed this when he left for his trip), but it contradicts his earlier complaints about intimacy.
On top of all of this, there’s the girl he was talking to online. I don’t know if they’re still in contact or, if they are, how much, and I don’t know if it was actually an EA or not. I don’t want to be letting him eat cake, but I also don’t want to let that affect my actions if there’s nothing actually going on. If there is someone else in the picture as an EA, how should this change 180s? It seems like this would probably fit with the “give him some space” option, but it also means not address complaints about intimacy and availability.
In general, do you address the complaints that were made about the relationship before things went south, or ones that have been raised since? Is there a way to strike a balance between these two possibilities? Or, am I totally overthinking this?
Last edited by Meghan; 07/28/1410:11 PM.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
It's nice to see I'm not alone on the laser focus bandwagon.
You're going to have enough on your plate maintaining detachment when he comes home. Really. A lot. So your list is great, but beware of expecting too much of yourself. Time is on your side means you set a minimum reachable standard of behavior for yourself and then add & adapt as able.
If you're not sure if there is an EA impacting the relationship then I would be concerned about the complaints you knew about before first. You can't eat the elephant, so go with the more reliable information and monitor results.
Please don't forget about yourself when he gets back. You show up on the list with GAL. Make sure to practice good self care. It's not all about him.
Best of luck to you. Sending strength and hugs.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
