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Without my family, my boys, and this board I don't know where I'd be. This has finally become our norm. The first several weeks were very sad on the weekends since that was our time with H and it was definitely hard to see other families but now it's different.

I know you don't know my H. But I have been thinking so much about him lately. Was this who he was all along and I didn't see it? I sure hope not. Everyone that knows us very well all still will say to this day he got involved with the wrong family when he left in February. Like I have said over and over they all told him not to go stay there. That they weren't good people. I always made nice with them because it was his work but never got a good feeling about them.

Not that it matters but I think H is/was a weak person. I believe there were things in our marriage and in me he was unhappy with that he didn't know how or want to communicate with me about. Did I think our problems were serious enough for this. Never. And I have told him that. When he gave me the only time on a phone call why he left was - I'm unhappy you don't like my job you don't like my boss and his wife and you don't support me. I said - H I am sorry I made you feel that way but it wasn't about you it was about the job I feel like they didn't appreciate you and if I EVER thought I would have to tell my kids we were getting a divorce over a JOB I would have let it go. I mean seriously we are splitting up over your job!? He just said I'm done.

So I truly believe our problems were smaller than what he believes they are now. I know now he and OW were spending late nights and some weekends at the shop since November when he said he was 'working'. I never had any reason until after he left to believe otherwise. She was always flirtatious with him on Facebook and would comment on every picture and photo he posted except the ones that included the boys or the ones of him and I. Just strange. It stinks to realize all or these things so far after the fact. I hate that I didn't fully realize the length and extent of their relationship until April/may. Coulda woulda shoulda right.

Like I said I have texts that he was telling his friend in January that she was so supportive of him and told him he deserved better than me. He deserved to be appreciated for how hard he worked. That she grew up in a divorced family and the boys would be fine. They would be better off than growing up in a home where their mom doesn't appreciate their dad. That he couldn't wait for his friends from his home town (PA) to meet her one day.

I know this all doesn't matter now but I just wanted to get it out there. I know there's not much I can do with this information. I do struggle with wanting to tell him that I know all of this. That i found out it was going on long before he left and before he says it did.

People will ask what will that change? If wont change anything but it will let him see I'm not a fool. I wouldn't tell him any of those things until after we are divorced and things are final. I was thinking of saying it to him in person after mediation. Not sure


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Quote:
I was thinking of saying it to him in person after mediation. Not sure


No, don't.... leave all that info with the L.

This could be the first of a few mediation/conferences.... your L will know the appropriate time to "spring" this on him (most likely in front of a judge.... who doesn't like hearing lies or "bending" of truth), Keep cool, no need to let him know you have a Royal Flush when he has a pair of twos.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
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We live in a no fault state and our state doesn't require legal separation. It seems SO easy to get just wake up one day and get a divorce. I didn't push asking for counseling I just did what I believe you said you did stating the while H feels the marriage is irretrievably broken I do not feel it is.

Okay wounded I need your advice. I'm looking to change things up this week at our basketball interactions. I won't be present the beginning of the week because I work 4 in a row this week but I will be at both games. Any suggestions?


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I just got a random text from H in response to the text I sent him yesterday asking him to help out with some of the bills.

'Okay I can do that for you I'm just waiting for a guy to pay me for a side job I did'.

In the past when he ignored a text like that I would usually send a follow up text like why are you ignoring me, etc. so yay for a 180 for me I guess. Not sure if that counts but I'm counting it lol

Do I respond? I thought I would wait a few hours and just say 'okay, thank you'


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TO,

Hi! Saw your note in Tarheel's thread. As luck would have it, I read through a lot of your posts just yesterday!

I am gonna catch up on a few things around the house and cook dinner, then I'll be back on. The hubs is sick and laid-up, thinkin' he's knockin' on Death's door - men are such babies when they're sick! laugh Anyway, that'll likely give me some time to spend behind my computer later.

But, quickly, I like this 180 of yours ^^^. I also like how he added "for you" on the end of the sentence, "I can do that."

My philosophy was: if H was being warm, I'd be warm (but not overly-friendly) back. So a simple, "thank you :)" would be great in this case. But maybe after a couple hours. You know, because you're a busy girl who's GAL and being a little mysterious. wink


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Thanks train! I will look forward to your input. And thanks for the laugh about men being sick. I remember when H was 'really' sick last year. I overheard him telling a friend he looked like a skeleton and lost 10 lbs in a week. We always used to laugh about it.

Thank god they don't have to have babies!!


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Originally Posted By: T0324
Okay wounded I need your advice. I'm looking to change things up this week at our basketball interactions. I won't be present the beginning of the week because I work 4 in a row this week but I will be at both games. Any suggestions?


First, do not give any early indications you will not be there (ie: don't text H and say: sorry, won't be at BB). He will notice your lack of attendance, when he asks (and he will, if not after missing one, but two), simply say you had something else going on (do not be specific... even if pressed).

Second, when I would make a common activity, I would give a pleasant "hi" to the W... but not engage first.

Third, I always made it there early, enough where she would pick to sit by me (not vice versa).

Fourth, I am a bit of a social butterfly, so I could get engaged in conversation with other parents. I used those as my primary discussions and stayed engaged in those. If the wife brought something up and started a conversation... I would be pleasant, but not hanging on her every word.

Side note, there were a few times when we needed to bring up a D issue (questions from L's,etc... but I would always say: "when we're done, can I steal you for a minute". I would keep that clinical, to the point and make it matter of fact. For example: Around tax time, I said "I would like to know what you were planning on doing about filing taxes, my L says we should file separately, but I wanted to know what you think, or if your L suggested anything, let me know when you can".

Finally, brush up on the 37 rules... memorize ALL of them, and live them. Especially for these BB meets.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
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Lotsssss of wisdom there ^^^.


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Thanks wounded,

I, surprisingly, have actually done most of what you recommend. We are always early (and H is always late). He lately has started to sit by me. He won't say hi first but he will ask a random question about something (for ex last week about the washer). I usually am just pleasant and smile but do not drag the conversation on. I make a point to be talking with one of the other moms or engaged with whichever son does not have practice. Lately if H gets up to go play with whatever son is not practicing I will just let him have his own time. When we leave S3 almost always says daddy - you have to say bye to mommy and kiss her. H usually just says bye T.

I also have to really continue to remind my dad not to give H information about me when I am not around and H asks where I am. This happened last week when H came over and he thought I was home. He textd me and I just said I'm out by my dad is there. Well then he asked my dad and my dad said oh ya she's at work. UGH!!'


Thanks again wounded as always. I did send H the thank you text. No other communication besides that.

Last edited by T0324; 07/28/14 02:13 AM.

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T0,
I wonder if it would help if you sort of established an 'alternate persona'-- you could sort of pretend to be someone who, for example, kind of knows your H, but not well enough to think about him. But, sometimes you might have some sort of business-related conversation have. He's a neighbor you are friendly about, but he doesn't enter your thoughts beyond that. And you, my dear, are fabulous.

What if you walked into the game like that?

Does that make sense?


Me 38 H 40
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