Sorry to find you here but this forum has carried me for the last six months and the wisdom here is to be heeded. As for rings: the advice I got from vets here is that whatever you decide do NOT be wishy washy....on again and off again. Just choose one and keep it. In the end it is about you. My counsellor said if she doesn't like it that I wear the ring it's HER problem she has to deal with. And as for the anniversary....my wife wanted nothing to do with it and it was like an un-birthday. Almost killed me but then I said FK it and GALed and went out with my friends and decided "I am not going to make a sad memory of tonight ...i love her with all my heart...but I am going to have fun despite this sitch." Ok now keep working on yourself as well. Looks like with the baggage you and your wife are carrying there is plenty to do.My w is also in mlc from SHM to career woman. She will blame you for everything so she can justify her new changes. No expectation. Listen and validate. Become the man only a fool would leave. On your side and if I can do it you can too.
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
I appreciate the advice. I have read DR up to Step 6. Very helpful. I have been able to recognize how by just me changing how it can affect the entire dynamic between WAW and I. My personality is much more passive aggressive vs. her more confrontational approach. Just the simple change of not responding with a sarcastic quip or becoming overly defensive when she gets confrontational has altered the communication pattern between us.
It's only been 1 week since detaching and beginning to apply the 37 rules of a 180. I backslid once by telling WAW I loved her on Wednesday and she asked me not to say it anymore. I responded with a simple OK.
Until detaching, I didn't realize the emotional pull that my WAW had over me, and how I could allow her mood to dictate mine. Unfortunately, that was an issue in our marriage and I would often withdraw myself when she would get confrontational or annoyed about something else.
I must tell you how happy that I am that I found this website and began doing the 180 or LRT. Reason why is today I was tempted to backslide so much. I have noticed a change in my interactions with my WAW and the phone conversations have been much more friendly. (planning our daughter's birthday party for tomorrow evening)
I wanted to tell her that I missed her and I was tempted to ask her out for our anniversary (this Saturday) against all I was advised and learned. I didn't but I am still a bit down just thinking of spending our first anniversary apart. I am assuming she is going to be a bit down as well, and though I have no expectations, I am pretty sure that she would expect a simple text from me.
Was able to enjoy my life this weekend, and continue to DETACH, and I do feel as though I am doing well. Just fortunate that I can vent on here and share a bit here, rather than backslide and undo progress that I feel that I have at least made personally,
I will say what my fear is about the LRT approach is. If my wife senses that I am too happy, the insecurity arises that maybe a divorce is what's best in her eyes and that she goes through with the previous threat. At the same time, I am confident that she also would think, what kinda fool would leave a guy that has committed to being a better person and father to our young kids. Thanks for taking the time to read guys and gals. Any feedback and motivation would be great.
I hear you about the LRT possibly showing how easy it would be to be divorced. I'm concerned about the same thing with my h. I'm trying to remember to look for teeny tiny little things that show me where his mind is. He's eager to move out but two weeks ago he was serious about year leases and today he was talking about 3 or 6 month leases. I'm trying to see that as an unconscious mention if his true hopes.
Keep being the best man you can be but force yourself to remember to do it for YOU because no matter what, these changes your making are good and healthy and will bring you to your goal. I'm trying to do the same. You're not alone.
I wouldn't recognize any date she doesn't first. It falls under pursuing and appears to be an attempt at manipulation by making her feel guilty or trying to get her to remember the good times. Read the 37 rules again.
Also, don't worry about the fear of not showing more interest. I feel that too, it's a fair question. But it isn't true. She is in a TOTALLY different place then you, read more threads by WAS's. when and if the day comes she has feelings strong enough to reconsider the D she will let you know. She's not going to walk away from the potential of a happy marriage with someone she's close with and loves because he respected her wishes and took care of himself. Broadcasting how you feel can destroy that process however as it forces her to keep her defenses up and forces her into the role as the WAS.
She is trying to walk away. The more you pursue the faster she walks. Stop chasing so when she is far enough away to feel safe and looks back she likes what she sees.
You know this, now keep doing it!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I've got to say the part that makes all of this so hard is our young kids. They are so miserable. As a family we did everything together. Hiked, biked, church, swam, never a dull moment. They had a fun weekend with Mommy and tonight were absolutely miserable. They blame me for Mommy being gone. I know that she doesn't bad mouth me, but they want us to be together. However, they don't mention it to her nearly as much as they mention to me. With me it's an every night thing. At first I would tell her what they said, but it almost sounds manipulative and I don't want to play the kid card.
I just encourage them to open up to their mom the way that they open up to me. I can't see that being a bad thing as long as what they share is genuine. I pray constantly to an end to this situation, but my gut tells me it's going to be a long road. In the meantime, it is so tough seeing my kids so down about it.
So no expectations right guys and gals. Not too sure what to make of this, so I hope a vet sees this and can share some insight. I have been dedicated to DETACHMENT, no pursuit, and GAL. My WAW has warmed up at least as a co-parent and there hasn't two-sided conflict in a few weeks. Earlier posts will share some of the potential conflict that I have since deflected.
Here's the interesting thing. WAW picked up kids from me this AM. I was on a conference call so I had to be short on purpose. Some last minute details for daughter's party had to be discussed, and I tried to intentionally listen to her requests.
She asked me if I would pick her and our kids up and ride together to the party location. It surprised me, since we have driven separately to virtually any shared event since separation. I agreed, but played it cool and didn't act as though it was an unreasonable request. So what gives? Came out of nowhere. I've been praying for a softening of her heart and not sure if this it or not. Come on vets, help me process this.
Mike, I'm sorry you find yourself here. I am by no means a vet, but I'll give you my 2 cents. I wouldn't read too much into the request to ride as a family. It could be softening or it could be to make the kids feel better. Only she knows her true motivation. Just use the time to be pleasant and friendly. You really have to have no expectations in this situations. I know that's a lot easier said than done.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Well interesting evening. Had daughter's birthday party. We didn't wind up driving together as it would have been too packed in the car. Instead we met at the party location. Thankful for the techniques in DBing and for being able to detach. I put myself in the best possible light. I was cheerful to friends and family that was there, but not obnoxious about it by any means. My WAW and I didn't interact much during the party but when we did it was fairly pleasant. Focusing on DBing has started to become easier. There were some awkward moments while we were there. WAWs two best friends were there and she pretty much stuck to them during the party. At times I would see the 3 of them glance over in my direction. I must say, she seemed to enjoy the conversation with her 2 friends, but she didn't look happy. I can't say why, but it came across to me loud and clear. She Interacted very little with anyone except her friends and very infrequently with the kids. Trying to be more perceptive to my surroundings, and picked up on that. Fake it til you make it stood out loud and clear. The funny thing is, she doesn't tell anyone except her closest girlfriends and her brother that we are separated. Makes me think that damage control will be easier for her if we do work things out.
