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Shodan, I hope you took my words in the spirit of helpfulness they were intended.

With regard to the affair, I repeat that I defer to the vets.

Keep an eye out for other areas in which you tend to be controlling. For example, my H used to hang out with me in the kitchen while I made dinner. Rather than talk to me much about HIS day, he would ask constant, constant questions about mine, never share anything of himself, and in between, tell me when to stir, adjust the temperature, add seasoning, whether I was tasting the dish enough to know if it needed seasoning, etc. He thought he was being "helpful" and "participating" -- it drove me completely nuts.

Those tiny things were actually more insulting to me than larger issues. If he could have let me get through dinner in my own way and just enjoyed my company I would have responded to him much more positively.

But again, I'm only talking about that specific issue, on all else I defer to Starsky & Mr. Bond.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Yes by all means continue with the genuine self-improvements, Sho. Just do them for YOU, to make yourself a better man. Don't do them to try and please your wayward wife.

Remember, your current stance is "Look, you're a grown woman. I can't control you and frankly I have no desire to. I'm only telling you what *I* need in a marriage, and a third person doesn't work for me."


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Remember, for 6-7 weeks she was getting the best of both worlds. She got her physical (sorry) and emotional needs met by her OM, and her emotional, financial and stability needs (not sure about physical??) met by you, who was pursuing her in spades.

Think what kind of entitlement "high" she must have been riding. Her affair was a secret (secrets are fun, and intriguing, and taboo and exciting), and she had TWO MEN pursuing her.

That all just came crashing down.

The dynamics of THEIR relationship just changed dramatically (and so did yours). Their conversations and interactions are going to be 90% about YOU now (what's Sho thinking? What's he going to do? Has he seen a lawyer? Etc).

And that's a GOOD thing.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I also suspect your confronting her as she left for NY totally ruined the romantic week they had planned. Nothing wrong with a little "infidelitus interruptus. " :o)


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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We talked some more and I realized that by asking for the truth, I am pushing her away b/c she thinks that is controlling of me. She said breaking into her phone shows that I am controlling. She "explained" away the OM and said they are friends, leaning on each other, etc. She said he is married with two kids.

I don't believe her but I think my tactic of pushing for the truth won't work. I need to show her that I am not controlling. That seems to be her #1 concern and having this A is her decision, not mine. I don't want to be the "gay roommate" but I also know that if she does not see the good times, she will just continue to see my as controlling.

I am a bit confused right now what I should do.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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Sho,

Which part of "LEAVE HER BE" didn't you understand?

NO "R" (relationship) CONVOS!!!!


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Originally Posted By: shodan
We talked some more and I realized that by asking for the truth, I am pushing her away b/c she thinks that is controlling of me.

. . .

I don't believe her but I think my tactic of pushing for the truth won't work. I need to show her that I am not controlling.


Who told you to "push for the truth?" In fact I'm pretty sure I specifically said NOT to. Only to end the convo and walk away if she lied to you.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Originally Posted By: shodan
She said breaking into her phone shows that I am controlling.




DEFLECTION. I would have said "It's a good thing I did, or you'd still be playing me."


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: shodan
We talked some more and I realized that by asking for the truth, I am pushing her away b/c she thinks that is controlling of me.

. . .

I don't believe her but I think my tactic of pushing for the truth won't work. I need to show her that I am not controlling.


Who told you to "push for the truth?" In fact I'm pretty sure I specifically said NOT to. Only to end the convo and walk away if she lied to you.


This!!!!

Just tell her that if she can not be honest with you, you can not talk to her. Then walk away. Of course she is going to say that whatever you do is controlling her, it is the only way she can justify her actions to herself.


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No need to be confused. But - make no mistake about it - there's no question as to why you ARE confused. This whole thing is hard, sho. It'll probably be the hardest thing you've ever had to do. But you can do it. And we are here to help. smile

Can I point out something real quickly, sho? Here's a positive: she's not flying off the handle. And she hasn't dropped the S or D bomb. Even though you were thinking she would. What's the lesson in that? Stop that "stinkin' thinkin'."

And learn to identify - quickly - when you are speaking and acting from a place of strength and honor ... or when you're speaking and acting from a place of FEAR (and ego).

There's no use in demanding the truth from her; she's not ready to give that to you. And frankly, you should be skeptical of anything she says right now anyway. Because all cheaters lie.

You will not become her "gay boyfriend" - I don't feel an ounce of concern that you will end up there.

And, as Starsky already said, watch that fine line between listening to what she's saying and going overboard on your responses. Yep, I can see why your W may feel you're coming across as "controlling" right now. At the same time, they pretty much allll say that. So find the ways in which you ARE being unreasonably controlling.

No more demanding the truth - or expecting it - right now.

But you've already realized that on your own.

So what now?

Go back through your threads. I know you feel like you've been in a warp zone the past couple days. We know how you feel ... alllll too well. But now that the first talks have been had, this would be a really good time to go back and read through advice you've already been given here. Use that to judge yourself in a way. If you were scoring yourself, in which areas would you give yourself an "A"? In what areas did you fail? And work on the areas in which you failed.

I think you'll also be able to see things - and advice - with a new kind of clarity that maybe you didn't have before. I have read back through my own threads and realize that I see the advice given to me through completely different eyes now. Back then, everything felt fearful and urgent. And that stands out to me now. Fear and urgency must be overcome. But it's going to take practice, sho.

This is marathon. Not a sprint.

First thing's first: lighten up a little. Remember the advice to be warm and neighborly? Confident, cool and collected? A little harder now that she's right there at home, eh?

Yeah, buddy. It's hard.

But please keep in mind that your M wasn't trashed in a day. Nor will it be saved in a day.

Remember: no fear. No urgency.

So how do YOU think you should proceed?

How about just for today? What do you plan to do?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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