That is good to hear. I know - at least for the first year after BD for me and before I had discovered DB - I would do well for about a month or so, but then everything would build up inside me and I wouldn't be able to take it anymore. I would make her a cd, or write a letter, or just have flowers in the house, or some combination of that.
Even after I started DB'ing I would still struggle at times, but DB gave me a plan, which suits me well. I wasn't perfect, but with a purpose and a plan it made it easier to feel like I was on the path of working towards my goals.
Don't beat yourself up if you do mess up at some point. You aren't perfect - none of us are. Just learn from it and move forward. Apologize (sincerely) once, and then don't dwell on it.
Keep at it and be patient. Let perseverance finish its work so you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:4).
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Had a pretty cool time going to my oldest S leadership conference ceremony. We all road together, not a bad trip. W seemed a bit awkward at times during the drive. Did have some good chit chat that even had some laughing and smiling. I did stress her out and she apologized for fighting on father’s day. Really, I didn’t see it as a fight cuz I was learning some me problems that she’s held in. Heck, she’s already written off our marriage so I just blatantly asked what I did on v-day that ended us. Well it finally came out. She was writing us off before that and since that was the first serious fight we’d had in a while it was opportunistic. At least it’s explained. Yep she told me what all I said, did, etc. that night that “nailed the coffin shut”. I did apologize for the wrongs that I could never remember after that night. It was always curious why the present thing was mentioned but I didn’t’ forget a present just had to get her a different one than what I wanted. Did come about that the praise she gave back then for my trying and working on us was just a courtesy anyways. Overall, a good talk. I asked all kinds of questions that she’s the only expert that can answer. We went through what my reactions were back in the day when she’d want to talk. I would shut down and not say anything rather than fight. I would do the silent treatment thing or just flat out leave the room or even leave the house. She did say I would blow up if she kept pushing and trying to get me to open up. Asked about the few times I did reach out to her and tried to talk. Not much input other than I failed at it horribly and so here we are I guess.
Two Saturdays ago wife said she can’t “heal” when she continually has defend herself. Well obviously, the cut and paste updates she receives from my thread put her in an uncomfortable spot. Kind of unnecessary cuz when we discussed me learning from DB forum she wanted my profile so she could tell all her friends not to communicate with me. I saw no problem with it as I figured lots of people are on site. She mentioned that same Saturday about going back onto forum. I guess I figure the reminders she receives are probably unnecessary cuz she has had open access to anything I post all along.
Either I’ll become someones verbal punching bag (like W says I am on alt site & FB) or people will just start disappearing from thread like before. My pastor/counselor posed a question to one of my questions about W comments. W tells me who all said M isn’t worth saving, that I’ll never be worth her time, kids will be fine after D….etc. He asked if I believed or thought anyone with 5 months knowledge of only one perspective of a M would ever be self-righteous enough to say that or if W was just pushing buttons. Couldn’t answer. W always had plenty of names and seemed proud to share but who knows.
I was confused the other day (should have paid more attention) when W said she didn’t want to hurt me or kids. Well, obviously losing the one you love will always hurt so I’ll just deal with it. I’m guessing somehow everything is supposed to be normal? I remember my parents D very well, so I’m pretty sure our kids will be hurt in some way or another. If anyone knows wth that was about enlighten me please. Left it alone wondering why W even said it and since unsure about response just left it alone so neither of us dwelled on it.
Several times now she told me she feels guilty when I do all the cooking and cleaning. Ok, so I’ve stepped back for a few weeks and don’t jump to chores every day like I was. For sure the last three weeks would have been hard for me to keep up, but dang I’m just not cut out for 16 hour days. I barely make it home in time for nap, kids baseball games/practices, shower and back to work. I remember working this hard long ago and thought I could do it again. Not so much.
Updates on GALing: helped a friend ump a little league baseball game after my D softball game. Was way more fun than I would have thought. Used small pay from it to take us all out to a quick dinner since we haven’t been able to afford to eat out in so long. Definitely worth every penny! Went to boss’ house for a crawfish/shrimp boil Cajun style. Was able to chill out throw back a couple cold uns and relax. Some business talk about new physical year and some expectations with upcoming job stuff but overall it was good to be stress free. Not that a job is considered GAL, but I have a blast at work so at times I almost consider it such. Gone to kids practices early a few times just to throw the ball around before they actually start. Time permitting I walk a few laps around the track until they’re done. I’ve lost 16 pounds and that’s not bad for me since doctor just put me on blood pressure meds for the first time.
MrCas/T2, not sure which or if both mentioned sharing more…..yea uh read up top please. Lots of my anger and resentment involve my family, W, W family so I leave those for counselor sessions. Whether she heals or not idk, but not gunna add to the problem. Plus I figured she would be past healing on the stuff she walked away for. Either way if it’s that or she has something else bothering her I’ll just come to y’all with other issues/talks. Yes I’ll update on my anger management.
MrCas, I did find a way to get to see a shrink down the road since we can’t afford an added expense. The local MHMR has a dr that rotates through several towns and offers several types of counseling. So far I know that it can be heavily discounted or if you can qualify free. Still talking to my pastor weekly and oh how y’all were right that it takes more than 1-2 talks to get going.
UR or T2, can’t remember how far back one of you asked about wanting W to see posts? She can read at any time, never hid them and she's had info for months. Can say I’m jealous that I didn’t get the chance back then.
MrCas/T2, yea you’re right I’m not sharing every single detail. Please read above…..some people talk the talk of sincerely helping, but if it’s going to cause my wife grief that our M and our problems (both) get laid out and she has to defend actions then I’m leaning that it sort of defeats the purpose to mention.
Cadet, Thank you. I agree actions mean way more than words. Definitely why I wrote some details up top. But more definitively, I am enjoying life, enjoying church and bible studies, taking care of kiddos (sharing of course), and working my tail off to pay bills and get ahead.
PM/rayzzz, Thanks for the prayers. Encouragement is a blessing during my ups and downs.
PM-I have some verses and notes I’ve taken that I hope to share with ya pretty quick. Left on nightstand so don’t have at work. Yes, I have made mistakes with W and dos & don’ts. I still give my all to be a better man and pray for strength constantly. Yes, I love my W dearly and she is worth my best.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
Several times now she told me she feels guilty when I do all the cooking and cleaning. Ok, so I’ve stepped back for a few weeks and don’t jump to chores every day like I was. For sure the last three weeks would have been hard for me to keep up, but dang I’m just not cut out for 16 hour days. I barely make it home in time for nap, kids baseball games/practices, shower and back to work. I remember working this hard long ago and thought I could do it again. Not so much.
In my sitch, W complained that she felt like a single Mom at times (she was SAHM and we homeschooled) because I worked so much, and then would come home exhausted etc and not really help as much as she would have liked.
Funny thing since she moved out, and started working...and leaving me as a single Dad, is that I really learned how tough it is, doing everything. I understand her experience a lot better now. I understand why she didnt have anything left in her by 10pm, or for me, sometimes. I feel like an a$$hat for feeling resentful that I wasn't getting attention form her. I *get* it now.
She has learned how exhausted she is after working, and not wanting to do much besides chill after work, and has told me she sees my side of the past so much better now, and feels badly about her resentment that I didnt help as much as she wanted me to...she *gets* it now.
I'm going to guess (because we are guys, and this is common with guys) that for 15 years your W "barely make it home in time for nap, kids baseball games/practices, shower and back to work." ... cleaned and cooked, etc. She probably did the bulk of the house and kid stuff (though she has always said that you are a good dad).
So the shoe has been on the other foot for a while since she stopped. Do you understand her past experience better now? I sure understand MY W's past experience better, and how she built up resentment towards me...
Self-reflection, and owning up to your role in the M issues is the (IMO) most important first step of the journey here, WT. I thank God that I had the strength to do so. Because it isnt for wimps, its much easier to stay in denial, blame and projection.
Last edited by TSquared2; 06/17/1406:33 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Yes T2, I didn't value the effort she always gave to make our family happy. I think I thought less about what she went through the 5-6 years she was a stay at home mom and expected her to keep up by herself once she went back to work. Luckily she started back a few months before I was laid off.
This does bring up a heavy resentment I had back then. Not against my wife though. MIL would always tell W she wasted going to college if she was just going to stay home. At times she would cry if it was a bad disagreement and that hurt me too. I couldn't say anything to MIL of course so I would just steam inside.
I'm not sure I mentioned this before but was a huge reason I commented previously about how much she has influenced our children and why I know she's a huge reason S I mentioned previously is such a great and responsible kid.
Even now I'm able to work 16 hour shifts at the factory knowing they are always taken care of. Not sure how far back you remember in this thread but definitely why I was so worried about mother's day. I understand so much more now!
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
I did stress her out and she apologized for fighting on father’s day. Really, I didn’t see it as a fight cuz I was learning some me problems that she’s held in.
Hey WT. I'm thinking that you kind of know what the problems were in your marriage, right? These kinds of discussions at this point arent serving you well.
To me, there are two very important acts of love. The first is to hear the other person.
She is telling you she is done with the marriage. You dont have to like it, but you do need to hear it. That is a way to honor her.
The second one is to let go. It says, I love you enough to want you to walk your journey.
Originally Posted By: whytry
I asked all kinds of questions that she’s the only expert that can answer. We went through what my reactions were back in the day when she’d want to talk. I would shut down and not say anything rather than fight. I would do the silent treatment thing or just flat out leave the room or even leave the house. She did say I would blow up if she kept pushing and trying to get me to open up. Asked about the few times I did reach out to her and tried to talk. Not much input other than I failed at it horribly and so here we are I guess.
Ok,you asked, she answered, you heard, right? No need to go there again.
Originally Posted By: whytry
(should have paid more attention)
^^^ ya think?
Originally Posted By: whytry
W said she didn’t want to hurt me or kids. anyone knows wth that was about enlighten me please.
She doesnt want to hurt you or the kids. Thats what that was about.
Wasnt me who asked about her seeing the posts.
WT, here's the thing in all of this. Your w has decided she doesnt want to work on the marriage. And you are hoping that you can find the magic words that are going to change her mind.
For right now, there arent any. The harder you try to hold on, the more she is going to want to pull away.
So, stop having those kinds of convos with her.
You have been given an amazing opportunity here to become your best you. Take it.
Figure out what the things are that ring true that she has said. Work on those. Look at people you admire and what you admire about them.
Once you figure out who you want to be, be that man every day. SOme days you will make it, some you wont, but that should always be the goal.
Honor your wife and your marriage by allowing her to walk her journey and you walk yours. Be your best self so that if you ever move towards each other in the future, you do it from a place of strength.
Thanks UR and T2. I hate that my time has been so taken up with work at the moment that I feel I'm neglecting y'all. I have dropped the rope. IF she talks I listen. I deal with kids and house and chores and making us happy. When not working doubles we've had some awesome times. Kids loving youth church groups, mine has been awesome. Heck W even began going to Wed bible studies. We've Been camping, fishing, did the chuck e cheese bday party (was amazing)for youngest S&D. Oldest S is really maturing even faster since baptism. Baseball season and tournaments just finished so hopefully a small break before school starts. I'll try to catch up a little later.
Patientman I still want to exchange more.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
More verses? Weren't you going to share some with me that you left on your nightstand? I'd like to see what you have.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
You haven't posted in a while. I've been absent myself and maybe you have been busy like me and aren't checking in here much more. Here's my question: WhyNotTry?
I don't know anybody who regrets giving 100%, but I know countless people who settle not for greatness, but even the chance of greatness by not giving it their all. There are moments in life that define you, that make you, that reveal who you are. But if you aren't willing to go for it with everything you've got, you don't stand a chance.
It's a short verse, but it's one of the most powerful and difficult challenges I can think of in the Bible. Read Romans 12:9. Many think that we believers shouldn't hate...that there is no - or shouldn't be any - hate in Christianity, but I don't agree with that at all. We are to hate what is evil - it's right there in the text. And in this case, if you love your spouse with a passionate purity, then you hate everything that would rob you of that relationship. Otherwise love is not love. You cannot love without hating.
I can't guarantee you anything. We are all here broken in some way. But I know if you aren't fully committed to hating anything...ANYTHING that would rob you of the relationship with your wife, then you don't stand a chance.
And even if you don't get the result that you want or "lose" by the way most people measure, when you give 100%...you win. You win in more ways than one.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Hello PM! I haven't disappeared completely just GALing and working. I spend my 50% with kids like there is no tomorrow. I have loads of scripture/book quotes that I've accumulated now and will share. I'm in OH on business so will have to get back to you later.
I guess to update, I've found freedom. As someone said previously (maybe MACH) your choices from here on matter. That's what I've been doing. Have an amazing church family that is important to us. My kids love going and we enjoy our time together. A new feeling I've had in the last few months is I can't wait for Sundays and Wednesdays to see these people. I've found great mentors and role models and chit chatting and sharing while we serve is awesome. Volunteering with kiddos for activities is lots of fun.
You are correct I love my XW passionately and have learned way more than I can describe. I've found IC is sooooo beneficial and it's helped bring peace where bitterness used to reside. When the kids ask I keep it short and sweet that no daddy won't "not try".
I've left my path in God's hands and pray for an open heart as I face each day.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
