Hi there I am new at this board and thank you all for sticking up for each other, I did not realize a few month ago on how difficult life can be. I really would need some help and advise please here is my story. My W and I are (were) happily married for 18 years she is a stay at home mom, lots of fun happiness great sex life getting better and better all the time,about a year and a half ago we were building a house lots of stress,she was treated with hypothyroidism,hormones all over the place and the beginning of menopause, she was depressed a lot, I kept on criticizing her a lot for letting herself go my mistake I deeply regret it and I told her,she is a very beautiful Chinese women but lacks confidence in herself and likes attention and needs to be reassured all the time. I work overseas and am gone for six weeks at the time and then home again for six we had been doing that for a long time and she doesn't mind she is involved with a singing and dancing ladies group which I was also not always very supportive because I guess I am a little jealous, and wanted to spend time with my W. During my last tour she kept writing less and less we never spoke on Skype except a couple of times(we used to talk for hours every day) I knew something was up but kept the faith when I came home she told me she was seeing another guy, but that she still loved me and she needed time to think. We saw a counsellor together but we didn't get very far she insisted that she needs time, during counseling she told the doctor that she was still in love with me but also with the other guy, and when all the things are placed on a scale it would dip all in my favor, during the session it also came out that she never gotten over the death of her father two years ago. She never told any of her friends about the OM,she said they all would call her crazy leaving me in their eyes I am a good husband and father. My W is very spoiled I buy her a lot of expensive things on her birthday the OM did not get her anything he is according to his website posted personality profile very good with money and has a lack of empathy. She also told me that sex with the OM is not that great and she has already a lot of thing that she does not like on him, but he does not give her pressure and she has excitement in her life.The OM is single older than me not that great looking, I am very athletic and she keeps on telling me how young I look and compliments me on my looks. There is no physical contact between us right now( no hugging kissing) and she leaves every day and stays at his house, she never brings items only clothes for a day or two in her handbag. During the day she comes home to our place for a few hours to be with the kids bribes my little one with gifts and leaves again it is very hard for them I kept the issue a secret with my youngest daughter the older one knows and is very angry my W. My W keeps on getting me to promise things like I take care of myself I don't drink I eat and I keep on studying ( have a major exam for work coming up) Also during counseling she told me several times that she would 80% come back to us ( whatever that means). As we all know I did the groveling, begging pleading crying and so forth but I was never angry or loud always tried to be kind, I changed now trying to play happy around her did a few 180 already and my daughter told they worked, I am a home sitter and when she showed up the last few times I was out pretending to enjoy myself. She was stunned that I would go out, so I guess I keep at it, I don't call write or mention anything about us or our relationship, it is very hard to see her leave everyday. There is one thing I desperately need advise on I will be leaving on tour on August the 8th for six weeks if I do the NC thing will she totally forget about me and move even closer to the OM. I really would appreciate some advise one day I know she will come back the next I am down in a dark hole again, thank god for my children especially for my oldest daughter she always tells me don't worry dad moms just screwed up right now she will be back.
On Tour means I work for an oil company in West Africa and our work rotation is 42on/42off. Yes I have read the books and trying to apply the information, I am just trying to figure out what is going on within my W.
Well as you know, we only have your side of the story, and you are the one here.....so you will be the one getting all the information. You are the one who will be working to save the M. You are the one who will be making changes. Don't expect her to change or put effort into the M just b/c you do.
Is your W now being treated for depression and on thyroid meds and hormone replacement? Having experienced the same thing (and menopause) I can assure you it is a very difficult time. All of these things (and individually) makes losing weight seem impossible. One week I ate nothing but salads and a little protein and gained ten pounds!! How many people would believe me if I gave the excuse of having hypothyroidism? My hormones were so out of wack and I was so depressed i almost went off the deep end. I know it's not easy for family members, but your W needs a lot of compassion regarding her health issues. Being criticized about "letting herself go" hurts as badly as if she told you that your penis was too small and didn't satisfy her. Some things can't be helped. But we can take steps to get better and/or make the most of what we do have.
When it comes to health issues, I am compassionate, I believe. And although I was a WAW in an Internet A, I suppose I am harder on women who are in an A than most here on the forum. I "get" how it can happen. I understand the WAW and her mindset. But I also understand her cold, closed heart. No more than you have told us about your story, I already feel as if I can identy with your W. So most of what I will have to say will come from the viewpoint of the WAW.
So far, I have not read or known a woman who walked away from the perfect H and M. The H may not have seen the problems, but she was unhappy, unfulfilled, and vulnerable. There was something lacking in her personal life. The OM made her feel better about herself. He is her distraction to reality. But he is not the main problem. The problem was there before OM came on the scene. However, now this A complicates things.
Many men get focused on the OM and believe if the A ends, everything will be okay. However, many WAW's do not go back to the H after ending the A. Why? B/c the problem was there before the A.
You say you have applied "some" 180's. What are they? Have you taken a deep look at your part of the breakdown in the MR? It is needed before you know what areas to Improve in yourself. Have you read much about marriage relationships? I encourage you to look for MWD on YouTube and get all you can. This is going to be more serious than some bit that gives you ten tips to a better M....like some magazine article.
If you haven't, then you really need to read information regarding the different health issues of your W.
So buckle down and get ready for a bumpy ride.......if you are committed.
Btw, send several posts to get off moderation faster. I hope you'll post often and stick with us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandy thank for your reply i have always been very concerned about my wife's health she was the one neglecting it most of the time, after she admitted the A I took her to the doctors again to make sure she is healthy I made sure she got her Hormone levels tested. I am not perfect I do know that but our marriage was happy for both of us she admits that when I was referring to me being critical it was most of the time to get her to take her meds on time eat properly which I most of the time cooked for her exercise and so forth. I make pretty good money and I always told her to get a hobby no matter the cost but she spent a lot of time just playing on her iPhone. As for the 180 she knows that I am very deeply in love with her and that it has been very hard for me to cope so with the help of my daughters I pretend to be happy I go out which I have never done before went to a movie saw a concert and last time she came to the house I walked out said hello smiled at her wished her a great day and left to go downtown for a coffee and to study for my exam which is very unusual for me she knows that. My daughter told me later that my wife was stunned and asked a lot of questions. I have always taken care of my family and I was always dedicated to my wife she admits that too she told the counselor after she mentioned that it is already positive if we had 50% good times and my wife said for her it was more like 90%. I will heed your advice and strap down but I know already that I will not give up on my wife and my family. I could used some insight on how to deal with the six weeks I am gone should I strictly apply the NC rule, I am a very self critical person and I do know what mistakes I made and I am going to change but my wife knew that I am willing to do anything to make her happy there was no need for running.
The therapist she is seeing said that the depression has passed and there is no need for medication now, she is taking thyroid Meds and I have been able to get a promise from her to take it is prescribed all the time I am hopeful she does it. It is very hard for me nor being able to take care of her as I have for the last almost twenty years she wants to be independent and that is what I will respect. Although I do have faults my children don't they are good kids and deserting them and just showing up every few days with some gifts trying to bribe them is not fair nor morally acceptable.
Hummm, I wonder what he thinks about why she won't take care of herself and seems to need another person to be responsible for her health having a chance at improving?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi I don't think he knows and I found a business personalty profile of his on the internet and it stated that on of his shortcomings is a total lack of empathy. My wife needs to be told that she is young and beautiful all the time which I have done but due to the stress of everyday chores maybe not enough she love to go on stage and be the center of attention that's what she told me this is for her a chance to be excited again and have to opportunity to do what she wants to do. I think that's why she picked that guy he is very educated but does not care if she won't be there for a few days while she spends time traveling doing photo trips dancing and singing classes with her friends( all female). She knows I take care of the house I take care of our children so the perfect solution for her for now. That is I believe why she puts up with him not being good looking so so in bed and cannot properly communicate either. Thanx for all your help Have a great Sunday
