I wish I would've come across this site 3 months ago. A bit of a backstory (forgive me for not knowing all of the acronyms). My wife moved out roughly 3 months ago. Partly for identity crisis, constant fighting over last several months, and love tank not being filled by me. I did what is sounds like most LBS do. Constant pleading, begging for reconciliation, pushing for counseling, etc. Initially, we went to counseling as the separation was designed as a therapeutic separation. First month separated, we got along great, spent time together, and I felt it was moving in the right direction. I was going above and beyond, flowers, notes, much of the stuff I didn't do consistently during our marriage. She got cold feet and the relationship immediately changed from one day to the next. Since that point, our relationship has deteriorated.
We have 2 young children, and I know that we both still love each other deep down. However, I have pushed harder, said negative things, used guilt, recruited friends to talk to her, and about 1.5 months ago, she said she wanted to divorce. No papers have been served, and it may in fact be an empty threat, but it has been said consistently and often when our relationship comes into conversation. Which brings me to the 37 Rules. I will say this, it has been a GodSend. Emotionally, it is the most satisfied that I have been since our separation. Began implementing 2 days ago, and I notice a drastic difference in how I am handling this time. I was repeating many of the same negative behaviors, consistently.
Other than the 37 rules, please let me know any other advice that you may have for me, or other resources I may want to consider.
So a question that I have is that since I have detached, my wedding anniversary is next Saturday. Do I treat that day as just another day and not make contact?
Welcome aboard. Have you read the Divorce Remedy book?
What are the ages of you, wife, and kids? The more information/history of the M, the better we can help.
I, personally, don't encourage celebrating wedding anniversaries when the couple has separated or the bomb has just been dropped.....Or like in your stitch where things have gotten worse, instead of better. She wants to put time and space between you. She needs to taste life without you.
Sometimes, the WAW will ask the LBH about what to do. ( i doubt she will, but IDK.) Some couples will take their children and go eat at a kid-friendly place. But under no circumstances should you plan some romantic evening to wine & dine her.
But if you just HAVE to do something, get a very simple card, nothing mushy, and just sign and mail it. No "I love you" or anything extra. In some cases, saying thanks for the sweet memories is okay......depending in the situation. Some people say "thanks for our children". But IMHO, this mostly adds pressure to the WAW and doesn't cause a positive affect.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We were married 6 years ago. Her and I met and month later we were pregnant with our son. She immediately moved in with her 9 month old daughter, so obviously, rushed into things. We fell in love over the pregnancy. Backstory on her---very difficult past. Molested by family members (including father), physically abused by Mom, raped at age 19 (30 years old now). Her first child(I adopted upon marriage) was from a bad relationship. She comes from divorced parents.
My backstory, my parents divorced when I was in 4th grade. Dad was an alcoholic and a serial adulterer. My W told me over the last 9 months that she wasn't happy, but I honestly pegged it on her past as she has had several mood swings as a result of her past. She felt as though I wasn't keeping her love tank full. I also had a tendency to be a bit overprotective of her due to some of her past and was afraid she'd get hurt again. It caused a strain as she saw it as controlling. Even though she is 30 years old, I also think that a MLC may be taking place. Kids are now going to school, she was a stay at home mom up until last fall when she started working. She's mentioned that she didn't know who she was anymore?
Ok, I agree now that recognizing the anniversary with the WAW isn't the choice I should make. I must say that I am curious if I she will recognize the day or what type of reaction I will get if I ignore the day completely. I will expect nothing and if she reaches out that day I think I will craft my response as "yes, we do have some sweet memories" and leave it at that.
What are your thoughts on wearing a wedding ring still and keeping up wedding photos. The WAW comes over frequently for kid drop off pick up. I keep on my ring, though she removed hers prior to moving out. I want to keep on mine as a reminder to her the promise and commitment that I made with her is real. It is the one thing that I can do to show that I still value our commitment without saying it.
I personally think wearing your ring is your choice. I wore mine in the beginning but once H became public with OW I took mine off since April. He never really wore his unless we went out. He never wore it to work. Do what you feel is right now what you think she does or doesn't want to see. Remember this is about YOU!
Thanks for the validation, and I do realize that this is about me at this point. It is interesting seeing these changes in my approach and the results that they seem to be having.
Case in point, I have been making it a point to be less available when WAW calls/texts. Just earlier today, she called 2 times in a row, and I didn't answer. She then showed up at my house 20 minutes later to pick up something that she needed for tomorrow. Her response was, "how come when I called you, you didn't answer?" "I only call when it has something to do with the kids, it's not like I am calling to talk to you" I reacted by responding as if she was the "nosy neighbor" and simply said, I didn't have my phone handy and didn't realize you called. I validated that she felt frustrated, and proceeded to walk out the door to say hi to my kids as they were in her car.
If anything, the 180 is helping me get my spine back and I realize how submissive I had been over these few months of separation always bending over backwards to have any conversation possible.
Mike, Great response to W when she began asking you about not answering!
I'm like you, I feel wearing my ring sends the message that I'm committed to you, but I also have a tattoo under the ring which also symbolizes this.
As for your anniversary, my H bd the month before ours. I was on my way out with the kids to play some putt-putt, when H called to say he was on his way over. I invited him and he went with us. It was really hard not to celebrate, but it was nice to do something with him on our day. It will be really emotional, so definitely do something for YOU!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
