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Getting a little nervous about the work party tonight. Yesterday, he asked again about going to the party and if I responded on our behalf. He made comments that we should go. Its only right. (although I see his point, I am not sure why he is caring/insisting that I go). He asked again "so, we are going right?"... I answered, "yes, I am going".

I do have anxiety of his pressure to go together. I know its best that I go alone, and am trying not to care about his reaction... I am sure he will suggest that either DD drive us or he will ask what time will "we" be going.

I know I must go alone.

I do not want to send mixed messages that this is acceptable. We are not "friends", nor is this a "date". I am not "available" for fun when he wants me, just to be put back on the shelf again..... NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Its really hard to say NO to the very things you want from the person you want. It gets confusing.

I must remember my value & my goal of what I WANT..... not cater to what he wants.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...112#Post2472112


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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MM,

The reason you are so horribly STUCK, the way I see it, is because what YOU want is so unhealthily enmeshed in what HE wants (or more accurately, in what you perceive he wants from you).

You should be doing a LOT more studying about "enmeshed relationships" and "co-dependency."

I firmly believe that THERE, you will begin to find the answers to this unhealthy addiction you have to your xBF.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Quote:
Yesterday, he asked again about going to the party and if I responded on our behalf. He made comments that we should go. Its only right. (although I see his point, I am not sure why he is caring/insisting that I go). He asked again "so, we are going right?"... I answered, "yes, I am going".


First, you shoul have been honest and upfront and gave the man a decent answer the first time he ever suggested it. Instead, you have played a cat & mouse game b/c you don't have the backbone to say, "Yes, I am going to attend, but not together."

Second, the answer you finally gave.......doesn't tell him anything! I can't tell what you mean either. Go together, not together? And he didn't even know if you ever replied on behalf of both your invitations? B/c you were too spineless to tell him one way or the other, or were you playing some game to make him guess? This is not what DB means by being mysterious!

If you are feeling nervous about tonight, it's b/c you have put yourself in this position. Now you'll watch to see what he says and does.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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HI Starsky... Yep, I will look more into my co-dependency.

Hi Sandi... I wasn't sure if I was going to this party or not, thats why I didn't give an answer. However, you are right... I do not have that back bone to say that to him... I'm working on it.

I was not playing any games. He received the same invite I did... He is quite capable of responding for himself. These people are more HIS friends than mine. He sees the guy on a daily basis... He could have made his own decision to go and not even tell me or consider me. We are supposed to be independent of each other. We are not a couple. Its not my job to respond for him. The reason I did not respond was because I wasn't sure if I was going to go... because I wasn't sure I could handle it.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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I think it's instructive that you spent just eight words glossing over the post about YOU, and then about 150 words "explaining" yourself (yet again) in reply to the post about HIM.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
I think it's instructive that you spent just eight words glossing over the post about YOU, and then about 150 words "explaining" yourself (yet again) in reply to the post about HIM.



Now THIS is a fascinating observation.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Lol. Likely because I was concerned about what my response will be in regards to the party tonight. Trying to focus on me and my response and reasoning

I did look up more about codependency. I sure have it bad. I really am worried about his responses over my requirements. I do need to fix this!!!

So, as expected... He asked me if we were going to go together. My response was "no, no... I will go on my own"

I said this because I need to not look to him for these types of things. To be more independent and not do as he expects ... Regardless of what I am hopeful of. I am really trying to stand firm to what I want. Not to accept just moments thst satisfy him. What about what satisfies me?


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Quote:
He received the same invite I did... He is quite capable of responding for himself. These people are more HIS friends than mine. He sees the guy on a daily basis... He could have made his own decision to go and not even tell me or consider me. We are supposed to be independent of each other. We are not a couple. Its not my job to respond for him. The reason I did not respond was because I wasn't sure if I was going to go... because I wasn't sure I could handle it.


Cut it out MM. I was the one who told you all that stuff! But he assumed that you would do as always and correspond for both of you. After all, that's the excuse you gave me then when I suggested he was a big boy who could reply to his own invitations. But oh no, you were representing the joint business. smirk And so now you are saying you never responded at all? I bet you didn't tell him that part either!

The point here is you wouldn't tell him one way or the other! You made excuses for him. And now you come back with the very things I said to you? Please! You love to play the games, not just with him, but with us, too.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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OMG.. NO Sandi...

I sent him a copy of the invite for him to respond for himself ages ago... He made excuses. Kept telling me that he hasn't set up his email account because of his new phone, didn't have time, ...kept pushing it on to me.

Yes, I told him many times that I hadn't responded yet... because "I" wasn't sure if I was going or not. "HE" had opportunity to respond himself. He chose not too. Kept asking if I would do it. Much like today, asking me if we are supposed to bring gifts or not, asking me to look it up. He can look just like I can... its not my job. I am not his secretary either!

I bought my own cards... from me.

I was not making excuses for him... I was telling you what was happening.

I am NOT playing games!


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
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Okay. It sure would help if you would tell the complete facts at the time. Unless I missed it, I don't recall you telling that last part, so how could we know? So anyway.......

You are right in not doing the responding for him, but make sure you tell him in the beginning that you will not do it. Don't be vague about it, just b/c you don't like standing up to him and speaking frankly.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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