I can't do dry wall today. I tried.. I just can't get motivated to do these additions we started together. It is so overwhelming, and I am so over it. I went outside and mowed and did yard-work instead.
S told me he texted h to let him know he was going to pass on the road trip. Said he'd like to go, just not ready for that yet. H did not respond. S texted him 3 times- no response. S called him twice- h bumped him to voicemail both times.
S was upset. Seems like h is being different again. Once he told the kids about ow, preg, and them buying a house, he all of a sudden was texting them like crazy. He did this for 2 weeks. D has not really been too receptive, but feels bad and does not want to be mean. S has been stand-offish, but does respond. H texted me three times this week and I did not respond to any.
Since they did not jump on his offer to take them on a vacation, the texting has stopped for two days and isn't responding to s now- and bumping him to voicemail. Geesh!
Although h really does not seem to talk on phone with ow around, so maybe that's why s got bumped. Who knows? She is 4 or 5 months preg (who really knows??) and has not even met my kids. Not that I want her to. She did have a brief encounter with s, who had a couple names for her. oops.... She was not pleased. That meeting was about 10 seconds.
I know, I seem obsessed over this... but I have a lot more in me I need to get out. This is my security blanket at this point. I can't seem to focus... I just need to get these things out. There will be more soon, I'm sure.
Keep in mind while you do this that your kids lost their dad in addition to you losing a H. He's not well, and his reactions to the kids won't likely be pleasant until he hits solid ground. Whenever that is. Try to keep their damage to a minimum though, ok?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ- Yes you are right, and it has been tough on the kids. S17 has had the most difficulty with everything. It has affected every facet of his life. He is angry and confused. Once he found everything out 2 weeks ago, he actually seems to be better. We talked he felt that he was waiting for h to come home, and we all really thought he would (I was surprised to hear my kids say that). But he felt that h has made a choice and now he can move on. It was heartbreaking to hear him say HE felt in limbo. It really isn't just the lbs that feels that.
I have been trying to keep the focus on more positive things. The last few weeks have been much more difficult in that area. However, the kids have lots going on to keep them busy. Thanks, AJ, for reminding me to keep perspective. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in my own grief. I am so lucky to have funny kids- we do laugh all the time!
H did not reach out to kids at all today. Even before when he wasn't making much effort to see them, he'd text them good night. Today- nothing.
I don't know if he's just upset that they aren't running to his offer of vacation, or if he is realizing some of the damage he has caused. Chances are, he is pouting. I guess only time will tell!
If you think about it, it's hardest on the kids. Like you, they didn't get a choice in the matter. They also got their world turned upside down. Everything they have been taught up to now is questioned at a time in their lives when they really have enough going on. Then there's the questions of allegiance, where they will live, is it my fault, etc. They go through the same emotions and feelings as the LBS only without being able to get a new dad. And they get the least amount of information to boot.
With your help, they can recover as much as possible. Just be careful to not bad-mouth their dad etc. That's not relevant to them and they'll form their own opinions. They'll want a relationship with their father and mother. Let them.
It'll be tempting to share too much. Be prepared for that. They are going to learn how to handle their relationships based on how you lead.
Seems unfair to you, but you are the one that's left to be a parent. A badge of honor if you ask me, but a lot more work than you planned on. Get your mind in the game and you'll be glad you did. You can grieve as well, but be selective in how you relate that to the kids. And yes, they'll learn how to grieve from you as well.
Laughter is the best. I'd much rather laugh my way through grief than cry, ya know? Life is how you see it IMHO
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I have been going through this for months and have been doing fairly well. I have followed db rules, and it has helped so much. At this point, I am really at an all-time low. I don't know how to get past this unveiling of my h's life for the past year (or who knows really how long??).
As the shock wears off, I find myself stuck in a place I don't like. The questions are forever in my mind. Many, I guess, I really don't want the answers to. I did not obsess at all at first about ow. But now my thoughts are eating away at me.
How can this girl get pregnant by my husband? How is she OK with keeping it a secret for so many months? How can she buy a house with him when she has never even met his kids? She knew he was married, how could she get so deeply involved when he's not even divorced. How does she feel about keeping it a secret at work? Why is she comfortable in a relationship where they are playing house and it is based on secrets and lies?
And, OMG, she 26! What the heck! She is only 9 years older than my son. That is so gross! She was in the same school district as my kids were- at the same time! My h has nieces older than her, won't that be weird. And how is he comfortable with that?
Why did they have to buy a house so close to me? I can't stand the though of seeing them around. And him at the store buying baby things... ugh.
Finding all this out at once is TMI!
Ok, those are SOME of my gripes... I'm not done...
I know in a MLC mind, nothing is really rational. So where do they go from here? I know buying a house with this hww was an impulsive decision. I don’t think the fantasy is playing out the way it was planned- does it ever? But, will this keep him stuck? I feel like he will have a hard time addressing his real, deep-seeded issues while in his current situation. I feel it is taking everything he has to keep up with his current sitch.
I really don’t think he’s happy. I don’t think the dream included being on the strict schedule of another man’s 2-year-old with a baby en route. He has been daddy for 17 years (since 19 years old) and now he is starting over?! I know that is not what he was looking for. When I begged him to reverse vasectomy, he was very unsure and said he did not really want to go back to that. Once they said it would take more to conceive, we opted not to, stating that it was time for us to have “our time”. He is pretty ocd and hates things out of place. I wonder how that’s working out with her toddler. He has so much anger in him at this point. I have not made myself available to be on the receiving end. How long can he keep that hidden from her?
He has made indications that this is not what he wants. That it is “punishment.” He told me it’s not a relief that our divorce is almost final, even though he was so adamant all spring (while he was hiding her pregnancy). So why is he so deep into this? Why did he tell d that he would be with her forever.
I guess this is where I get really mixed up. I feel like he isn’t happy, but I could be totally wrong! He must be way into her. He chose her. She is calling the shots, and he is allowing it. He must not want to lose her. He puts her before his kids.
He can’t stand his dad for doing that to him. He always talked about that, and would say, “When I look at s, I don’t know how my dad could have done that. I would never do that.”
After all the information he gave me about his current life, why would he text me randomly and say, “How are you?” I really think he is afraid of losing me from his life. He is not close to his family at all. I’m it. I have been his rock for more than half of his life. But what, does he want to be friends? Please! I’d rather be friendless than be treated that way.
OK, I know, I know…. enough already. I’m a person who has to write things down to collect my thoughts. Otherwise, the scatter and mix and jumble inside my brain. So this really is helping me move on… even though I’m sort of stuck- this will help…
AJ, you are so right. I really appreciate it. I have been very supportive of their relationship with their dad and have encourage them to see him, even when they didn't want to. After the latest development, it has not been so easy, not that they have really wanted to. My s had caught h a few times in the fall in some questionable situations, so he has way more information that he should.
I do tell them that I want them to have a good r with their dad, and with time, it will come. However, the ow, well that is much more difficult for me. She disrespected them like no one ever will. She put herself before my kids and h allowed that. She did not care about them at all. Nor does she now- playing house with h and shes never even met my kids. Ugh. She is just out for herself and her own kids. She does not care about mine, and I hate the though of her playing nice with them when she is evil and has shown them no respect.
That, I think, is a lesson in itself for my kids. They are old enough to learn that there are some adults you can't trust. Now, going about this situation while still being the parent and guiding them properly, that's the toughest part.
Thanks, AJ, so much. I appreciate you wise words and support like you wouldn't believe!
This is perfectly normal for a really bizarre, abnormal situation.
The SHATTERED/STUCK feelings...again...NORMAL.
When my spouse told me he wanted out of our marriage, followed by his subsequent leaving and the news of the OW...I felt like he had taken my life and that of my kids and tossed it all into a garbage bag. Then, he shook it up violently and emptied it at my feet.
What you are experiencing is a bit like being chained to the back of your spouse's car and then dragged for miles on a rocky road. Look at it honestly and with compassion for yourself/your kids...for what you all are going through.
Trust the process. There is, believe it or not, a natural response to being abandoned...just as their is when someone dies. Don't fight it. Allow these feelings to surface and give yourself a lot of kindness and compassion right now. The way you treat yourself will be a model for your children.
Others have gone before you...despite the severity of your situation...we all know what's it's like to be rejected on such a profound level.
Be good to yourself right now. Acknowledge the depth of the wound. It's far, far too soon to expect yourself to do anything BUT obsess. Your mind is trying, desperately, to wrap around what has happened...the impossible. That's normal.
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
P.S. What you are feeling (and your children) is similar to what family members feel when someone commits suicide. Someone you trusted/loved/had created a life with...has CHOSEN to leave you and, not only leave you, but leave you with a HUGE mess to clean up...The feelings are very similar. Think of how you would console a friend who is dealing with the suicide of her husband. Treat yourself with that same kindness.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, that is very true. It is very much like suicide when they pull the rug out. When they suddenly become somebody else that inflicts all kinds of pain.
But...
Quote:
I have not made myself available to be on the receiving end. How long can he keep that hidden from her?
He has made indications that this is not what he wants. That it is “punishment.”
Part of what we come her for is to help make sense of what's going on and what happened. We will stick with it like a dog with a bone That's one reason you're having trouble, Mighty. Another is that he hasn't let go of you or the family. He's straddling the fence (in his mind).
One of the things that made it hard for me was to realize that leaving was really something I had to do. Sure she left physically. Sure she lied, told me marriage was just a piece of paper, love wasn't enough, etc. But looking back I can see how she was straddling several fences at once. She still tries and that makes it that much more difficult. It used to make it difficult for me as well. The hardest part was getting her to stay gone. I'm still trying
One thing I do remember is that she made friends with people she claimed she didn't like. She told me daughter about one woman saying she didn't even like her. Neither did my daughter and neither do I. Guess what? They're still friends. Why? I dunno, but it always seemed like she was trying to live this second life with "temporary" people. As if being friendly with people she didn't like was a sort of punishment and a way to get what she was after without being too committed. The OM was the same way (husband now).
To an outsider, it's ridiculous. To an MLCr? Who knows why?
They do things so out of character and against what they said they would do, that it can make you crazy.
Believe me when I tell you, the OW? She is no prize. You are the prize and he doesn't want to let that go, but "needs" to walk his walk.
I know how personal it is. But try not to take it personally. It's not about you in the least.
At some point, you'll need to get off the crazy train. You may have to be the first to do so. It seems unfair since it is not what you wanted, but for your own sake, and the sake of your kids, you may need to.
Something to think about. He'll need a friend at some point. You may or may not be able to be that friend. But he won't make it easy for you to be gone for a long time, even if he realizes how much pain he has caused.
He's learning exactly what his father went through. And that may be what he needs to do for his life. Wish him well.
As for you, you'll experience all kinds of emotions. You'll think you're done, and you'll do it again. Don't worry, the lows come and go and after a while they are further apart in time, and easier to deal with. Eventually, it's a faded memory.
You hold the key to your freedom, Mighty. While you wait for that to materialize, be patient. It gets better. Much much better.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
