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Quote:
I want to tell her no, she can't come tomorrow. That she can make a list and send it to my lawyer and we'll send back what is acceptable.


Then, you need to tell her NO.

Quote:
Tell her to make a list of what is left here that she wants and send it to my lawyer and we will come to an agreement through our lawyers about what is "Right", morally or otherwise.


Sounds very reasonable. You are going through a divorce. YOU didn't sign on for this.

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I do that and I can be certain that the D will be speeding up and there will be a lot more animosity. If I don't, I may find myself wishing I had fought for more of what I did want and DESERVE.


This is your fear Matt. She has hurt you before and you are tentative to put yourself in harm's way. BUT, you now have an attorney. Let him do his job. Remind yourself that you will be ok and it doesn't have to erupt on YOUR side of the street. I believe you need to set this boundary. Consider me one person who has your back. :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Matt,

You need to put on your thinking cap here.

One needs to determine which is pre-marital asset and family heirlooms belong to the person who inherited it. Remove your emotion from this process and look at it with an objective eye. From that place, you'll be able to act accordingly.

Yes, put your attorney to work on this. Why else are you paying him/her? There's a purpose for having an attorney to protect your interests and assets.

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Hi Wonka,
These aren't inherited family heirlooms. These are things that we purchased from her grand mothers estate sale several years ago. Yes, they belonged to her GM but her GM and GF bought most of it after the war. They haven't been in the family for generations. If we hadn't bought this stuff, strangers would have as it was all up for sale. Anything that was given to us by her family I'm letting her have, no question. The best furniture and art we have was purchased at that estate sale. I told her I would give it my kids or grandkids if that is what she wants but she said that she "knows" how women are and once I'm remarried some woman will just keep it or sell it or give it to her family. The thing is, I can't talk to my L until Monday and she wants to come tomorrow! I swear this is her plan! Never give me time to stop her when she knows she is getting over on me.

As for the other stuff, she can take the book shelves and such but I don't want her doing that until we negotiate the final D degree. She wants ALL the stuff from her GM's estate sale, she can give up something else. She just wants to come through this without giving up anything she wants and I feel like that's what I've been doing.

Not only that my D19 is going to live with her BF because we can't help her with a car and she can't get a job without one (we live in the bonnies) and he lives in town close to places she can work, can take bus, etc. D19 told me she doesn't want to live with her BF but doesn't know what else to do. She also thinks her mother isn't upset because if D19 doesn't live with her mom, her mom doesn't want her to live with ME as she is jealous and not liking that she is close to me but not her mom.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her not to come and take anything yet and to give me more notice before she makes plans and comes over to take anything. This isn't her home anymore. She thinks it still is but her home belongs only to her. In the degree it states she can't remove any property without the courts consent. I think it's reasonable for me to ask her to wait until I talk to my lawyer. Don't you think?

Last edited by Matt165; 07/26/14 10:25 PM.
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Matt,

Then call W out and state firmly that she will need to stop coming to the house and stealing stuff. If she chooses to do so, then calmly inform her that you'll take her to court for breaching the agreement.

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Hi Matt.

Quote:
I do that and I can be certain that the D will be speeding up and there will be a lot more animosity. If I don't, I may find myself wishing I had fought for more of what I did want and DESERVE.


Don't "do" or "not do" something out of fear. That was a mistake that I made. I would make choices or let XW have things just because I didn't want to p!ss her off any more than she already was. You have to look out for you. If you don't, she will walk all over you.

She is angry at you anyways and thinks you are probably the world's biggest a-hole. That is part of MLC. She is angry and will stay angry regardless of what you do.

Stand your ground man.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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I agree with Tad and Wonka on that one, Matt. What is it you're afraid of, again? That she'll leave? That she'll want a divorce? That she'll say mean things about and to you?

Hmmm?

Most people that get divorced, later regret not standing up for themselves and regret not getting what they wanted. Or at least trying. Heck, even my ex regretted not getting the house. I laughed and told her to piss up a rope. She could have asked at the time and I may have let her have it. It would have been easier, although I needed to know that the kids wouldn't be evicted from their house and she had no income at the time.

I let my ex have most of what she said she wanted. I helped her pack. I'm not really into material things as it is, but there were a few things that mattered to me and some things that needed to stay for the kids' sake. I held onto those.

But like Tad mentioned, don't act out of fear. Don't act out of thinking it, or anything at all, will appease her. She will likely get rid of anything she takes at a later date anyway. She's running away, remember?

Be reasonable, but be firm. If you want something, say so.

Remember my ex? She said later that I was pathetic for not taking more. For trying to save the marriage. For not fighting back more aggressively. smile

It's not about you, Matt. If it was, you could appease and assuage etc. You could even negotiate. But it's not about you, so you can't.

Food for thought.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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Matt,

Remind your W that your house isn't Goodwill where we take what we want. She's angry and that's on her. You've gotten great advice. Regardless of what you do, she probably won't be * happy* so don't operate from fear.

Good luck!



3 kids
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Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
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Told my W I didn't want her coming and taking anything until I had a chance to go through all of it. She (again) goes straight to angry. I tell her this is my home and she can't just take what she wants until we agree to who gets what and the D is final. She says "No, before the D is final I have to have my stuff in my house, your stuff here. Until then the D can't be finalized." Then says that the house is still "half hers"! Sorry, she moved out and until the D is final she can't come and go from my home as she pleases! I look at her and tell her according to the decree she gave me she can't take anything until all is agreed to! She says that if I need her to make a list and have the lawyer write it up, I can pay the $300 it will cost HER! I say, my lawyer is paid for. She says that if I would just allow her to take what she wants then she won't have to pay! So if I don't just do that I should have to pay HER lawyer!

She then goes all "nice" and says "I don't want to make this harder for you but this is just so stressful coming back and forth for stuff". I tell her that it's stressful when you tell me a day before that you are coming and I have to do what you want. That I have no where to put the stuff that came out of the desk she already took, the furniture she already took. That the closet can't even be used as it's still full of her clothes! She says I should have just stuffed her clothes into bags or gone and bought boxes and put HER stuff into them! I am so pissed at her. I know what she's doing, she's trying to get everything she can before she has to finalize the D and say she has it already so it's hers! At that point she can renege on the agreement she made that I can have the house. This is mind reading but why else would she be doing it backwards like this? I need to remember that she is taking advice from her father and he ripped her mom off badly, dragging the D out 11 years to avoid CS.

This is unbelievable. Now she called and said "How about if I only take (3 of the things she said she wanted) tomorrow". I told her that that would be easier and she said "Thanks!" and hung up! I didn't actually say yes! What is wrong with her? I'm going to text her later and say that she can't come tomorrow. That my lawyer needs to be made aware of how she has been taking all the stuff she wants BEFORE the agreement is made because she thinks that is the way to save money on her legal fees. Here I've been trying to be more than "fair" and she can only think about herself. I asked my MIL about the estate sale stuff. Even she says that theres nothing morally wrong with my keeping some of it.

So, I think it's time to make some boundaries and make them stick. I've had enough of my W's chit and she wakes up and understands just what SHE did by filing for D. That she can't just get through it getting everything SHE wants and screwing me and her D's over. Time to make my stand for what is best for me and mine. Isn't it just as likely that she will remarry and her new H not give the "family" things to our kids or grandkids? How is it she is allowed to make up things that she says I will do when I haven't once been anything but be respectful?

Yes, I'm spinning. Yes, I am losing my cool. I still have hours of work to do before she comes tomorrow. I will tell her that she can take 2 of the 3 things she said she wants to take. If she tries to take any more I will tell her that if she does I will have my lawyer file a contempt charge. Time for her to stop this. So, she's still "stressed" and so now wants to put the blame on me for not boxing up all her stuff so I can fit all my things that are stored in the furniture she wants to take. Wow, talk about really trying hard to find a way to keep blaming her stress on me! I should have known she would find some way to keep blaming her inability to cope with everyday life stress on me. We must always be the bad guy, must always be the reason whether we even have contact with them or not!

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By the way the last post was written before I had a chance to read anything past Wonka's post. Thanks everyone for your support and I feel very put upon. What I "fear" is her reneging on the house going to me. For that I was willing to give up asking for half of her retirement plans, seeking sole custody (at this time) of D14 and not seeking spousal support which I probably could get seeing as she left me when I was making less then $2,000 a month while she is taking home more than $5,000 a month after taxes. This is the first time I have made less than her in the last 18 years! I really think I could get it. That is what I fear but you know what? She is going to do whatever she wants with no reguard to any pervious agreements. She proved that when she said she wasn't going to file and a week later did!

No fear, no worrying about what she may or may not do. Thanks for the reality check everyone!

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Matt, the divorce is almost certainly going to be ugly. Placating them in any way does not work. Lord knows most of us here have tried to keep it as friendly as possible.

Mlcers are lazy, selfish and entitled, and they do not like not getting their own way (which as you know can turn on a dime anyway).

Whatever you do will have the worst interpretation placed on it. If you had actually placed her clothes in bags I can guarantee she would have been furious!

We need to do what is legal, what we believe to be right, and what we are comfortable living with long term. They will rant and rave anyway, like cross toddlers.

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