Trying to catch up on your thread. I'm on my IPad, so I may have to make posts as I go reading your thread.
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I feel like he's trying to blame everything on me. What the heck?
Anger is very typical for a WAS. I mean, why would he want to leave if he wasn't hurt or angry?
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The betrayal is just too much to bear some days...most days
Betrayal in what way? Was he unfaithful, or are you referring to him wanting to end the M?
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I'm a Christian and I find it difficult to apply some of the DR techniques and mentality. It goes against the biblical teachings of Ephesians 5: "Wives respect your husbands and husbands love your wives."
Where on earth did you read in Divorce Remedy anything that suggested wives should disrespect their husbands? You may not fully understand some of the things suggested. But none of them are for intended show of disrespect. I maintain that is the problem WAW's have....is loss of respect for her H. Ii hammer on the respect issue all the time, b/c I believe in it so much!
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When I try to get closer and touch him while he's expressing his hurt feelings he pulls away and comments that my touching doesn't make him feel better. I know he still loves me even though it's been three weeks since he last said so. How do I break through his wall?
The WAS doesn't want you touching. Men don't want our pity. He's mad and doesn't want you kissing the boo-boo. And frankly, he has put the wall up to protect himself from more hurt. Makes no sense to you, but it's his defense mechanism. I would say don't try to break down his wall right now b/c it only causes him to fight against what you're doing.
Don't find excuses to touch him, or try to get him to say ILY, nor tell him you love him. It works against what you want. Better to not hear it now, and be able to hear later after things work out. Women want to be assured by hearing the words or getting touches......but you must not press him.
One thing to remember when you wonder if he is thinking this or that.......men and women aren't wired the same way. They don't think alike. The WAS doesn't think like the LBS wants to believe they are thinking. So that line of questioning, "does he really want me to fight for us" only adds stress for you.
So, he feels used? Was he supportive of you going to school, and did he volunteer to help with additional chores? Has his stress at work increased?
You don't make more out of his kindness than it is. And if you think he has pity for you, then don't behave or respond in a pitiful manner. And, don't try to read into his how he acts toward you right now.
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My church leaders don't seem to show an urgency for my sitch.
What does that mean? They aren't taking it seriously, or they aren't counseling him, or what? What do you want them to do? What have you asked from them? I don't how religious your H is, but I was very religious (but even then you can backslide). When one is in the walk away stage, they aren't very receptive to chuch leaders getting into their personal business.
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I've relied heavily on God to get me from one day to the next but the hurt is...please help!
He will give you strength and grace. Sometimes we look for deliverance, when in reality we have to go "through" the fire of the furnace first.
I will continue.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So towards the end of the convo he was begging me to release him. That he can only be whole again if we go our separate ways and that I broke our marriage by being self righteous and making him feel less of a man.
Hummm, self-righteous huh? Nagging, complaining, not validating, no empathy, not really hearing him, demanding, chuch-going woman........equals a b'tch to a WAH. And, he justifies himself getting involved with OP.
And b/c of that, it's not a biblical marriage? Oh, that's almost funny, if it wasn't so sad. But when I read what came up on your next post......my antenna goes way up! (But I'll get there in a second.)
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There's this nagging voice that tells me he has other motivations for wanting this D and feels haste to finish it sooner than later.
Oh yeah, me too!
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He was calm and did his best to be polite during the convo. However, he went as far as saying that I will be okay financially. That if I canjust find a job that I will be good and not hurting for money. So no harm done, right? And then he had to audacity to admit that he knew what he was asking for is a sin and that he has been asking for forgiveness every day. I'm just as confused as ever.
He's playing to your "religious" senses, as crazy as that seems.
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My bro says that men retreat to a dark place when they feel they've had enough but that it takes patience, love, and understanding to pull them out of it. It will be painstaking but it can be done. I don't have a problem fighting for him but how can i do this when im met with rejection, opposition, and hostility? Does he really want me to stay and fight or is he really asking me to let him go?
No, he doesn't really want you to stay and fight for him! He wants his freedom!
Which brings me to my first suspicions. (however, I've lost the quote). When you locked the bedroom door and he freaked out, trying to get the door opened, and you discovered his gym bag was behind the door? Look, you've been in this situation in a previous M, didn't you recognize those signs? Even though I don't usually encourage couples to continue to snoop and spy on affairs, I honestly would have had to see what he was guarding. The gym bag held the truth behind all this need to be free from the M. But maybe you didn't really want to know?
So, I think (based on what I've read so far) you need to act as if he is in an A. You don't have to confront him, if you don't want to, but don't bury your head in the sand.
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I was angry because he was not truthful about his past. I learned about a girl he dated off and on. Well, she started to text trying to rekindle again. I confronted him and he tried to minimize it. He said would take care of it but a week later she was texting again. Apparently, the girl did not know about me or that we were engaged to be married. For the second time, he said he would take care of it. The text did stop and eventually he got a new number. I felt betrayed and angry. I had just left my life and moved to a neighboring city to be with him and he couldn't be honest with me. He would say that "an omission is not a lie." If I didn't have any children, i would have left. It was a deal breaker for me. But, i gave it a try anyway because I loved him. But I grew increasingly suspicious. Till this day, i don't have access to his credit cards even though I'm an authorized user on one of them. There are no statements that come in the mail but I see payments coming of our account each month. When I've asked he retorts with "well, i don't have access to yours either!" So I offer to exchange info but he doesn't take the bait. Hence, my continued suspicion. I feel that things would not be an issue if he took the time to reassure me (in my language) that I was the only one in his life and give me access to his accounts. I feel that there shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage and everything needs to be shared or out in the open if there is to be any sort of accountability.
Well I think that pretty much tells the story. He was covering up the truth before he M you, and he's covered up ever since. He is not honest with his wife! So many red flags are waving around.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It would help if you stick to one thread at a time. I posted on the other one, but will repeat in part here. My point about knowing what's going on with him is not to catch him in an A as much as it is to find out if he has lied to you since before getting married. He has consistently hid things about his life from you. You can't have honesty in the M when one is a habitual liar. Please read my post on your other thread.
An affair is serious, but a chronic or physiological liar is worse, IMHO, b/c it is usually a life long behavior. It brings as much devastation as infidelity can. An affair can end. You can heal and move on. (Unless he is a serial cheater, then he'll do it again.) But, JMHO. Don't live the rest of your life with a man who won't be honest and open with his wife. You will never be able to believe or trust him. Find out once and for all who you married.
Once again, for anyone who just viewed this post, this advice is not my usual about snooping on S to check out A status, but this is not about that particular problem. It is b/c this WAH was lying before the wedding and continued to hide personal information from his W. I think it hints strongly of other issues. I hope I am wrong!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's a moment of weakness. I woke up and it began with one negative thought that spiraled. I did surrender to prayer and yes it helped. So, thank you!
I feel like he's leaving me in the dark. What am I saying...of course he is! I made it very clear to him that I will not tolerate infidelity in our M. If I did find evidence it would relieve the burden of failure on my part. Wow, what an interesting way to view infidelity. So if he had an affair, you did nothing wrong and made no mistakes in the marriage?
In sum, it'd mean it's all him, AND You were a perfect wife, (whom he inexplicably left for OW?)?
Is this^^ something you still believe? Dig deep...
Then I can prepare myself mentally and decide if I want to continue fighting or if it's time to throw in the towel. No, I would not be happy about it. It would be devastating. Except, now the truth is out. It will provide some kind of closure. Of course, [b]my staying would greatly depend on how willing he is to work on things. [/b]
IF he is having an affair currently, there's little chance he'll SAY or KNOW that he wants to work on the m b/c he's too busy justifying the A and your anger is fueling his reasons (which is why showing the WAS anger, does NOT HELP YOU).
You have to BE the better choice, and that's much easier if you do NOT snoop, so you can stay focussed on yourself.
IN fact, the single biggest reason I advise against snooping (and so does DB), is b/c it would take my focus off of MY own work and MY ISSUES, which are my responsibility.
I fear I'd just be blaming my h or OW instead of working on me.
I've read many success stories from marriages that have survived affairs. While I'm hopeful for those, it would take a miracle or a sincere effort on his part to keep me from leaving. I've lived that part in my first and second marriage and have watched my mom go through it. It's no picnic and I will not put my kids through that again.
I'm confused. THIS^^ is different from what you said just before. Be very clear with yourself on this issue and whether you'd entertain the idea of trying to work thru it, or not, or what your timing on that would be etc.
IF you KNOW w/100% certainty that him having an Affair would mean it's over for you, for good, and you'd file for divorce for sure -then maybe you should snoop away and if you can verify, you are done. NO saving this marriage...no working on forgiveness, etc.
FWIW, I do not sense certainty in you about this, at all as you admit others have successfully stayed married after an A, but then you say you won't put your kids "thru that again"...thru WHAT again? Another divorce or seeing forgiveness or what?
But here are some questions you may want to ask yourself....
Since this would be at least the 2nd time you have married a man who was unfaithful to you (and b/c you were also unfaithful earlier),
then what have YOU learned about yourself OR changed in yourself?
How was marriage modeled for you, growing up?
How was forgiveness shown in your family? How are YOU at forgiving others,
and how are you at asking for forgiveness?
What kind of legacy do you want to leave your kids?
Hang in there, we are all rooting for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I posted on THIS thread (??) but now I think it's somewhere else...hence the value of having only ONE thread...
wahhhhh
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm sorry 25. Felt that the thread was getting too long. And to continue on a new thread with the same topic would have been misleading since he's no longer that angry. Or, perhaps I'm just at the eye of the storm? Anyway, you're welcome to visit on my second thread. I don't mind your frankness.
see the post above the one before? The one that quotes you?
There are some questions there for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
