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Trust me Meghan we all get it. We understand!

I like to think I'm pretty logical (I know your jaw is probably dropping based on what you read from me here haha) and I am very to the point. I don't really do BS so for me it's hard to think you couldn't just be straight forward and say hey I have a problem I don't like A B and C. We need to work on this or else I don't see US working. Yes that is how I look at it which doesn't make it right. But I agree that it's hard to think the men we thought would stand by our side through everything can pick up and leave in what we see so easily. For me my situation is slightly different to deal with being replaced with someone else and I don't believe you think your H has OW if I'm correct?

Anyway keep on keepin on. I really like the fake it til you make it. I'm still faking it at times but overall am genuinely enjoying most of my life. Surround yourself with people that love you. Only confide in those you can truly trust, I learned that the hard way in the beginning). Is there something you've been wanting to do, a hobby, anything? Try it. I truly suggest shopping lol. I was feeling badly about myself and going shopping and buying myself a few new things to wear really was a pick me up


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TO: I'm not really the most straightforward person, particularly in relationships. I've been backing off and enabling a lot over the last four years, and I've been afraid to speak up and say, "hey, this needs to change". I don't really know why this is, but we're going to be talking about it in IC. It's probably a few things. It might be partly the after effects of my last relationship which was emotionally abusive. Might just be me being really, really conflict averse. Or, it might be that I don't do well in most arguments and feel like when I've made points about relationship problems I've been argued or guilted down.

I think I've also expected him to step up and fix some issues because it's the right thing to do, not because I tell him to. I gave him permission to turn down a job a few years ago because he complained a lot about it and I felt guilty about him taking a job that he clearly didn't want (dumb, dumb, dumb on my part). But I still feel like he should have stepped up and taken it or gotten another because he should be working. I shouldn't have to have been the one responsible for making him take the job, so saying "this is an issue" feels like spelling out the basics of life to him. But that might not be fair.

As for the OW question, there was an 18 year old he was talking to online a lot that seemed rather like an EA to me. He swears they're just friends, and most of the time I'm inclined to believe that now. But there was a two or three month period where the frequent chatting, sharing intimate details of our life, and claims that she makes him feel "worthwhile" and like someone's on his side and supporting him had me pretty freaked out and thinking otherwise.

OW or not, though, I really didn't expect any of what's been going on for the last few months, particularly in terms of how he seems to see me now. Talking to him you might think I was a selfish, self-serving, unsupportive person. I'd like to think he knows me better than that, could see what I've done for him, and would give me the benefit of the doubt enough that he'd be willing to work with me, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I've been taking the fake it until I make it approach, too - it was the best I could manage at first, but there are ways it's gotten a bit easier. I've been picking up some old hobbies I've let slide and looking into a few new ones that I might be interested in - learning is a good distraction for me, so I'm considering joining a local wind ensemble or quilting group. I'm normally not much of a shopper, but getting a few new dresses and some fresh makeup did give me a bit of a confidence boost.


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Meghan -

When you say how your husband portrays you. That is to a T what he says about me. Just recently he sent a girlfriend of mine a text message saying that the boys are better off than listening to mommy and daddy argue 365 days/year. Truth be told that was not the case but that is what he's convinced himself. She said , 'wow I didn't know it was that bad. You guys always seemed so happy and loving when we were all together, I'm shocked Taylor didn't say anything to me about it'. He said well I'm sure she knows you wouldn't understand because you love and support your husband no matter what. You don't make him feel like a PoS and garbage and tell him that he's an excuse for man that can't provide for his family. When she sent me that I was floored.

So needless to say they do rewrite history. I think this is based on their hurt and anger they have built up over time. I think the 18 year old in my H case started out as an EA. What worries me is what you are saying your H said is exactly what my H said after I found out about them talking. And the things he said to others about her while we were still together. 'Shes so nice, she understands me, she makes me feel important.'

Not jumping to conclusions, just keep that in mind.

We all carry plenty of our own issues and baggage with us. I think sometimes we get comfortable and stop trying. I know I have many faults as you have realized in yourself as well. We just have to work on fixing those things to make us the best we can be. The rest is up to our H's. In the end if they can't see that it is their loss. Easier to say that then feel it that way though!


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TO: I definitely think that he's been rewriting things. I have by no means been perfect, but his reading of things is mind-blowing. There have a been a few times where I've simply asked, "Is that really how you see me?" because I can't believe some of the things he seems to think and the accusations that have been made.

He sees every kiss, every hug, every nice gesture as something that I get something out of, not as something that I do for him, too. He doesn't seem to see that I've done a lot for him over the last four years too, and that perhaps we weren't meeting each others needs rather than me just not meeting his.

I have had my concerns about some of the things that he's said about the 18 year old. I can't say that they've completely gone away, which has been a bit of a problem. Not knowing has made figuring out how I should handle the situation a more challenging because what's going on there could change the dynamic.

My concern is if there is something going on I don't want to be giving him any kind of implicit permission or let him think that this is okay. But, if there's not, I want to do what I can to help fix the issues. Right now, I'm trying to focus on GALs and 180s that benefit me but that also address some of his complaints about the relationship. There are times it feels really tough to figure out what to do, though.


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Just a bit more venting...

I got an email back from H. thanking me for the birthday wishes and the card I sent.

Every brief email stings, as does every email that doesn't include a pet name, or an "I love you", or any of the other things we used to say to each other, and that I used to believe. Until this all went down, I was still thrilled every time he called me "baby", or told me how much he loved me, or said something special just to me. I haven't had that in months.

I think this is part of the reason it feels like such a challenge to keep things as light and neutral as possible when in contact, and to keep contact minimal. When he does it to me, it hurts something fierce - I miss his emails in general, and all the special things in them. I still care about him and don't want to hurt him or leave him feeling unloved. Sending brief, to the point emails - particularly after sending very few emails at all - feels like I'm doing exactly that.

But that might be projecting my feelings onto him. It might also be making assumptions about how he feels. It's entirely possible that he's just fine (which would be kind of lousy), or missing me, or protecting himself by keeping up his walls, or any one of many other options. All I know is that it hurts on this end, and it feels like I'm hurting him, too, which is the last thing that I've ever wanted.

No, I won't be doing anything about feeling this way, other than keeping up with improving myself. I just need to think it through and write it down and acknowledge what I'm feeling.


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Questions:

Is it possible to be too dark when it comes to limiting contact?

If yes, how do you know that you're doing too much limiting and what do you do instead?


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I don't think there is ever too dark when you don't have children. Look at Thornton's thread. He went a month or something with not one text I believe. I may be wrong. I know it seems so wrong and I haven't been able to do it either but it seems to be what really helps

smile


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I read Thornton's thread awhile back, but I think it might be time again.

I started rereading DB tonight, and plan to go over Starsky, labug, and Train's threads again, too.

Is there any other recommended reading I should be looking at on here?


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Agree. You can't be too dark.

Good luck!


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Today's my last day at my parents' - I head home tomorrow morning.

I'm feeling a bit teary. Everyone's been very kind to me, which makes me emotional and being away from this is going to be really hard. It also feels like H.'s return is coming up fast. It's been hard being away, but I'm also feeling anxious about facing him when he comes back and dealing with whatever happens then. It just feels like relationship issues loom over everything else.

That said, I am looking forward to some GALing. I'll be spending some time tidying the apartment and getting together with friends. I plan to do more of the things that I like to do that I don't do so much when H. is around - baths, reading by candlelight, dancing in the living room, experimenting with new vegetarian recipes. I also desperately need to get some work done, so there's plenty to do.

I'm also going to take some time to think through and plan out some 180s, but more on that later.


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Together 10 years
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