Finding my way - part 3

[Train]

You're on the right path, Meghan.

Ms are two *complete*, happy people, choosing to share a life together.

Chalk this up to a lesson learned. Shake it off. Pick yourself up. And learn something from it.

Looks like you already have.

Attagirl.

[Meghan]

I couldn't text when he's out of the country so I sent H. a birthday email wishing him a good day today. No "love, M." at the end. No mention of the fact that I'm not there and he's not here. No "I miss you". No talk of the future or mention of him coming back next week. It was hard, as are so many other things now, but it's one less thing to think about, I guess.

[Maybell]

Good job! Cross it off your to-do list and make sure you do something pampering for yourself.

[Eatsma]

Good job on the birthday message.

Sorry to hear about the missed job opportunity. Maybe it was the message that you needed to GAL (and, as such, the real right job for you is waiting just a little bit further down the path?)?

One day at a time!

[Meghan]

Fighting the urge to get online to talk to H. on IM. I can see he's online, but he hasn't replied to my birthday email.

After a night of not enough sleep (bad dreams), I'm tired and my instinct is to wish him a happy birthday and talk to him, to let him know that he is loved and cared for, and to try to ensure that he doesn't think that I'm ignoring him or not putting in the effort after a week and change of not being in touch. I don't want him to hurt or feel unloved like he says that he has been feeling, and I want him to know that I'm still willing to work on things for and with him.

I know it's not the thing to do. He says he needs space, so me being all over him while he's away is not a good idea. It's also pursuing which hasn't worked at all so far.

I guess I mostly wish he was the guy he used to be so I could do the things I used to to show him that I love him. But, when I think about it like that, I realise that those actions happened within a marriage that wasn't always so healthy, so maybe those are things that need to be rethought at least a little. Something needs to change.

Time for some funny TV and some knitting. If nothing else, it'll keep my hands busy and away from the keyboard.

[T384]

Meghan - I know this is hard but please stay the course. If you are feeling discouraged and need some recent success read through Thornton's threads. By reaching out - which is what WE want to do so they don't forget us- we show that we cannot honor their request of Space.

Keep on with your GAL. I know it's easier said than done but trust me it does get 'easier'. I don't know that it will ever be easy. I still get upset daily but my periods of sadness that used to ruin my day in the beginning now just get a few words under my breath and I move along. In the end, your H will do what he wants. Is it what we think is best? Depends what his choice is. Be the best you can be. No doubt if you do that he is sure a fool...

Hugs

[KGirl]

What IM client do you use? I found it helpful to unfollow my H (rather than unfriend or block) on Facebook and then remove him from my list on gchat so I wouldn't obsess over knowing if he was online or what he was doing - if there's a way you can make it so you can't see his status, without going to the extreme of blocking him/him knowing you've removed him from your list, maybe that would help you in resisting the urge to contact him.

[Meghan]

Thanks, TO. I'm definitely not going to do anything now - it just helps sometimes to write it out and reason myself down.

I'm glad to hear that your periods of sadness are lessening (and to hear that they will lessen). Mine are shortening, I think, but they still take up more time than I'd really like, and they're really distracting when I'm trying to get things done.

I think at this point I'm looking forward to getting home a bit It's been good to be here but it seems easier to GAL there because I have more friends and activities already set up, and I can just mess around in my own space a bit more if that's what I feel like.

It's hard to accept that H. will do what he wants and that I can't choose the outcome, but at this point it is become easier to see that if he leaves he is a fool, and probably not the person that I thought he was. I think I'm getting better every day and I have plans to keep on improving.

[Maybell]

It gets easier. Look at how far you've come! It will get easier. Not in a straight line, but it does.

[Meghan]

KGirl: I'm not sure how to do that, but I'll look into it. I find that so long as he's online I'm imagining that he's on the other end glowering or grumpy or cranky with me about something, which may not be true, but causes me stress whether it is or not, so getting away from it would probably be a good thing.

Maybell: Thanks, as always, for the vote of confidence. There are times I can see the differences, and it's a relief to know that some progress is being made.