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I'm no expert, and who knows--maybe he is scheming somehow... but a working washing machine and a working car sound good to me. (Not "head over heels" good, but "I'll take it" good.)

"Keep the road home (or the road of 18 years of co-parenting) paved and smooth," right? If nothing else, it might be nice to have a civil enough relationship so that the father of your kids, who is a handy fellow, would still be willing to fix some stuff around the house five years from now... right?


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Oh I have no doubt this is something that benefits him somehow. It's just who he's turned into which I don't allow myself to believe he's genuine right now

You know Claire you're right it would be great to be able to have a civil relationship. But it's hard for me when I see we can have fun and get along and he doesn't miss that.

Also, I believe it's important for me to be independent and take care as much as I can around the house on my own. I don't want him to feel like I NEED him. Want him yes but do not need him.

I did make sure to thank him and said I appreciated him for coming by and taking care of the washer.

Last edited by T0324; 07/25/14 02:10 AM.

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Originally Posted By: T0324

You know Claire you're right it would be great to be able to have a civil relationship. But it's hard for me when I see we can have fun and get along and he doesn't miss that.

Yes, I hear you. But it **will** get easier. With young kids, we've got a LOT of years ahead with these WAH... surely we don't want to be holding on to this pain for years and years, right?
Quote:

Also, I believe it's important for me to be independent and take care as much as I can around the house on my own. I don't want him to feel like I NEED him. Want him yes but do not need him.

Agreed. But is there a difference between accepting help when it is offered, and reaching out to ask for it?

Accepting that he can actually be nice sometimes doesn't mean you totally trust him, or think that he has an interest in reconciling. I think this falls under detachment, too: we detach ourselves from the negative stuff, but we can also detach from the positive, right?

Hang in there. My heart goes out to you. I know your sitch is not easy at all.

I did make sure to thank him and said I appreciated him for coming by and taking care of the washer. [/quote]


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So it is okay to accept help if it is offered? It doesn't seem as if I was waiting around for him to come to my rescue?

I had a rough night last night. I think reading both you and Maybell's sitches got me thinking that I'm in a holding pattern and I really need to accept this for what it is - over. My heart does not want to do that but my mind does not want a man that's capable of what H has done in the last 5 months. I went and looked at cars last night again and just sat in the parking lot and cried when I left. I know it sounds stupid but it's just another thing I have to do as a result of H leaving. If he were here he'd be fixing my car so I didn't have to buy something else. Okay, pity party over

I ended up re reading through every single one off threads. Boy, have I made so many mistakes before joining here in April and since joining here. I guess I have never fully gone LRT like Thornton. I believe H and I both use things to communicate that we don't need to be. I don't know that it means he wants me back in his life but he definitely does some cake eating.

Mind reading alert----- there are definitely nights H texts me and is more talkative vs other nights when I respond and I get nothing. I believe it's when he is or is not with OW.

I need to start focusing on making the changes here for me. I have made quite a few and my mom and I talked about it a lot last night of how proud she is
Of me. That I do not react to him trying to start a fight with me. He was texting me last night while I was on the phone with her bringing up the attorneys and divorce and the vehicles after he asked if I was home and I didn't take the bait. I changed the subject to thanking him for coming by.

But there are definitely more changes I need to make to fix what my contributions were to this marriage. The most important thing I need to change is my need to be 'right'. This is going to be an on going struggle for
Me that I really don't know how to fix but I will certainly try. Everyone at work jokes that we are all that way that's why we work in an ICU lol.

His other complaints were that I was always nagging and complaining. While I personally didn't see it that way I need to work on a different approach. I truly believe H saw me as nagging a lot because if he didn't want to hear it he shut me out. But instead of continuing doing something a way that made him shut me out I need to come up with a different approach.

I know these are all things based on my M with H but I don't want these to be an issue for any M in the future whether it be withH or not.


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Originally Posted By: T0324
Wounded while I would love to agree since you always have been here for me since day one I beg. To differ.

I don't believe he sees the grass isn't greener. He's going on vacation every week. He has to get his own place because now that we have the date set for
Mediation he knows he won't get the boys.


I appreciate you disagree. But:

Who goes on vacation every weekend? Outside of the uber-wealthy..... I have typically found it is people who are trying to escape things (like living on a couch, dependent on his boss for essentials, new friends that aren't quite working out, etc).

I firmly believe mediation has NOTHING to do with the housing search. His L would have told him at the beginning to have a "homelife" built up and ready. To do that on the cusp of mediation is a waste of his time. As one of the first questions will be: "where do you live?", and then: "how long have you lived there"? When the answer is "uhhh.. 8 days". It will be essentially like he has not lived there at all.


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That does make sense, I didn't look at it that way. The weird part is 90% of his vacations are with the boss, his wife and the daughter. So it's like the four of them. There are some super creepy photos of the 4 of them in a hot tub together last week on vacation. It is so weird especially since we used to hang out the 4 of us ... Just now replace me with the 19 year old and it's the same thing. Oh and I can't say id be caught in a group photo in a hot tub lol.

Anyway - I'm soo looking forward to my 3 day weekend smile especially since there's nothing the boys and I 'have' to do. Besides basketball. Who knows what we will get into. I feel like a new mom tending to my cat that is quarantined to the master bath. She cries and wakes me up in the middle of the night so a nap might be on the agenda if the boys will allow it!


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Off to basketball tonight. Thinking about getting a little dressed up compared to jeans or shorts and a tshirt. Especially since it's Friday night ... Let his mind wonder. Especially after reading a comment on another thread about how we get too comfortable. I believe that's part of my issue. I think I just felt like he'd never leave. I knew I wouldn't leave him. I gained 25 lbs in the last year (on top of weight I needed to lose already from S3). I was about 40 lbs heavier than when we met and I think it took a toll on me the last 6 months before BD. I have since lost 20 lbs since all of this but am working on losing the rest. That is a goal for me'

The boys and I will probably go out to dinner or bowling afterwards. They are big into bowling right now. I need the bumpers too!

I tried to call H bluff on only paying half of the car payment but today marks 30 days past due and I just paid the other half. Too afraid of destroying my credit quite yet frown

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Looks like lots of storms here for us

Last edited by T0324; 07/25/14 08:27 PM.

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Nothing new to report here. Two relatively quiet but pleasant interactions at basketball. We did see H pull into OW barn where she keeps her horses when the boys and I were out and about. And no I wasn't snooping (I haven't ever followed him actually) but our friend lives right down the road. Coincidence I guess.


Anyway I did send H a text that he ignored. I'm sure most will disagree but he is not paying what he and I agreed to back in February. Each month it gets less and less and then now this month nothing. So I did send him a text.

Hey, I just wanted to let you know I did pay the other half of the truck payment but I do need to get a check from you to help out here. I'm still covering the car insurance on all the cars, health insurance, cell phones, S's prepaid college, etc. If we could work out some sort of agreement that works for both of us that would be great. Let me know what you think. Thanks


Anyway he read it hours ago and ignored. So I guess I will go back to the expensive route with my lawyer. I thought we could maybe figure one thing out! If anyone has any insight on this topic it would be appreciated. I guess I should have let it be and not even thought he was in the place or mature enough to deal with anything without me having to go through the lawyers.


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Originally Posted By: T0324
If anyone has any insight on this topic it would be appreciated.


Well... you asked.... so here yahoo go:

I am going to sound like an a$$ when I ask/say this, but it does have a touch of tough love element. So bear with me:

Originally Posted By: T0324
I thought we could maybe figure one thing out! If anyone has any insight on this topic it would be appreciated. I guess I should have let it be and not even thought he was in the place or mature enough to deal with anything without me having to go through the lawyers.


But what would lead to to the conclusion that all of a sudden out of the clear blue sky on July 26th would he start fulfilling his obligations, even though he has been ignoring virtually every other one... just becaue you asked?

From a distance, it appears the text was sent to fail. I have no advice per se, but I just want you to examine why you may had drew that conclusion. Or why you would set an expectation (a pretty high one, at that) that had such a small chance of success.


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Honestly I am flat broke.

I don't regret the text. I know I probably shouldn't have said it but a complaint in the past was that I took care of all the bills and if we were short 'he didn't know because I didn't include him.' Trust me I didn't expect it to be sunshine and roses. I didn't even expect a response. I took the boys school shopping and really could use some financial help.

And I don't think you sound like an ass at all. I am here for criticism so I'll gladly take it. You always give me advice and I'm glad to take it whether it be what I want or not.

As much as I'm getting better at being detached it still stung seeing him pull in there with my truck to tow her horses. A truck I'm paying for. It stung that he doesn't ever ask the boys what they're doing on the weekends. It's been months since he's spent more than an hour with them at a time.

We had small talk about basketball. Just about the animals, asked what movie we watched last night (he heard me asking the boys when we left bball last night). He seemed to have caught himself when he said oh ya I saw that. I said oh you saw it in the movie theater already (this was when his Gf tagged him on fb at the movies) he said no I watched it by myself on my laptop a bootleg copy. Not sure why he still has to lie to me about her. They post pics together all over social media hello I'm not stupid.

Is this what I'm still supposed to be doing? Having light casual chats at basketball? I was just wanting to say hi and bye and maybe smile at him from a distance. But if he starts a conversation I engage. I don't want to be overly nice while he is entertaining his R with OW. But me not being okay with their R doesn't matter since he has filed for D.

Last edited by T0324; 07/26/14 10:49 PM.

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