Agree 100% with that A.S. In my case my W does have a beef and it's something that certainly has to be corrected (I have a temper but have never hurt her).
What would your wife say to this statement? ^^^ I mean, if you have a temper, it must show. So, what happens? You have never hit her, is what i assume you meant when you said you'd "never hurt her". I'd bet a lot of money that you have hurt her. Just wanted to mention that you have to be careful with your glossing over....
BUT, that one thing snowballed into so many little things with her for a while to where all she could do was focus on negative things.
And I've been trying to reverse that cycle for a few weeks now. With SOME results. Still a long way to go.
Not sure if this will give false hope or just inspiration, but I recently saw the movie "Stuck In Love" and it deeply resonated with me and my h. (Our d16 picked it!!)
But I'm not now in the midst of the whole "DB Ordeal" atm, so perhaps my perspective enables me to see that movie and simply feel happy in a bittersweet way.
I recommend it also b/c it shows the kids perspectives too. Check it out if you think you need more patience in your situation, b/c the movie will inspire you to do that, I hope.
25, here's the link to my thread so we don't jumble up this one.
I'll discuss it there. Obviously I DID hurt her but you are right about having to be careful how I address that with her. On 2/24 I have a lenghthy post that goes into a little bit of detail on the temper issue.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
I see many names I don't recognize, it's been a while since I've posted here.
My wife moved out last September. It was a shock at the time though now I see the signs so clearly, I was kind of retarded not to understand. I read DB and DR, followed the rules as best I could and thought it was a failure because I had hoped that in a few months she'd show signs of returning. When she didn't, I said my goodbye to the good people here and moved on with my life. The "no contact" rule wasn't a strategy, I was just done. I lived my life, did what I wanted, got used to sleeping in the middle of the bed and held off on dating because I decided to wait until July before doing anything legal.
People, sometimes it's like they know!!!! The day I came back to work from vacation, I was just about to dial for the free legal counselling I get through my job's benefits when my cell phone started to ring. It was her. She was in tears. She was having a very hard time, she wanted to talk about it. I listened, I took the opportunity to provide a perspective. By the end of the conversation she told me she misses me and still loves me. I was honest and admitted I still loved her too. End of phone call.
She texted me several times over the next few days. Phone calls. Stupid conversations about nothing and then deep ones about how life was. We took a few walks together. She told me what was wrong for her. I was sympathetic but I wasn't about to coddle her and kiss her butt, she heard in no uncertain terms how life wasn't easy for me either. She even texted me to admit that she had acted selfishly and that it wasn't intentional. I recognized things I did wrong too.
We've had a lot of talks. She told me she's not ready to come back yet but she enjoys reconnecting. It's fine, I'll wait some more for now. We'll see what happens. The problem I'm facing now is that all the conversations lead to re-hashing the past and airing grievances. It's at the point she's always repeating herself and seems to be trying to re-tell things in response to my side of the story.
I'm kind of done with this. I'm happy to reconnect, I'm glad we shed light on each other's situations but it seems now that re-visiting the past isn't helping to move forward and she seems to be trying to "scold" me for things. There's a lot of "well it would have been nice if you had said this" and "you should have told me this and that" or "well you should have been better at communicating". It's kind of gotten on my nerves.
I'm trying to find a way to direct the conversations to the future. For action. She says she's not ready to move back, I'm not pushing it but it seems to me there needs to be movement in a direction, not spinning around in the past.
Is this something I should be doing? Should I just let her do this until she's ready to move forward or should I take the lead for change?
By change, I mean move towards doing things together, invite her for a drink or to come for a hike, be people who have experiences together...I don't mean try to convince her to talk about moving back in.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Wow! I'm happy to hear that things are turning around. What i hear your wife saying she needs is a little validation. She wants you to recognize that she has needs when she says, "it would have been nice if you had said this", etc. Nothing wrong with saying, "Your'e right, that would have been a better way to handle it". She's telling you plainly what she needs to hear from you in certain situations. She's scripting it out for you - that's a gift. Don't push her to talk about the future, this is all still new and you guys are still figuring this out. Listen, listen, listen. A wise person once told me to applaud the 1% that she is right. Stop looking to set her straight or allow her expressing herself to get on your nerves. DB this! Listen, validate and come from a place of understanding or wanting to understand. Let her words permeate and allow change in your for the better. This communication is a gift that you may not realize right now but it is. It really is. I think (but I'm not a vet so get a vet to weight in before you take my advice) going our for a drink is a good idea but be ready to listen, listen, listen and validate like crazy! Use this opportunity to show her you've made some changes - GOOD changes.
Hang in there. Vent to a friend about stuff getting on your nerves... not to her!!!i
I definitely won't be pushing talks in that direction if she's not ready.
My concern is that a lot of this is happening as she's explaining she's not ready to return and plans on renewing her lease so a part of me suspects she's trying to test my availability or keep me within reach.
She still wears the wedding rings and told me she can't see me out of her life long term, she just has things to sort through.
I think it's time I re read the book.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
2S2Q, good to hear from you! Love to hear the positive developments in your sitch.
Do you want your W back?
I have always thought that it would be hard to R after DBing, because it isn't sustainable to put your feelings into a box and stuff it in the back of the closet. Yet I think that oftentimes, the WAS enjoys having all the focus on him/her (and the blame on the LBS), and that is what lures them back in.
If you feel like you have been over and over this stuff, you have validated her, and you have acknowledged your responsibility for the problems you had, perhaps you can gently tell her that you would prefer to focus on the positive - what you have learned, how things can be different, how you can have a better R going forward.
2S2Q, does she have work to do? Do you need her to do it in order to move forward with her? What do YOU need from her in order to have a successful R with her?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Well she did acknowledge that she acted selfishly. That was big and I waited a long time to hear it. For it to be a successful R, I need to be able to forgive her. It's harder than I thought it would be. Perhaps it's good this sort of thing takes time.
She assured me there hasn't been anyone else but I don't know if I believe it.
For me, she needs to prove she's changed and that in the future she understands that we need to work on our problems between us, not talk a mountain of crap with her friends about me and them plan an escape.
That's for me. For her, she says she needs me to be clear about what I want and to communicate. To not be passive aggressive, instead be honest and clear. It's all to-be-continued.
How are you doing Melissa?
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
I think you need to go back to the goal-setting chapter of DR and be more precise in your goals. If your W isn't scolding you for the past, then what is she doing? How do you respond? And so on.
I've oversimplified it so go back to the book and start at step one.
Best wishes for a successful reconciliation, and keep posting as you explore this.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Yes I grabbed the book this morning and will be re reading it today.
I responded to the scolds by talking about communication which I think is wrong. In retrospect I realize she's dodging things that way. I told her some important things I wanted an answer to and she responded the wrong way.
I need to explain my statements better so they illicit a response. If I get another "well wouldn't it be nice if you had just said that" I will have to respond "well I'm telling you now so let's discuss it".
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
If you can find it (my local library had it), there's a book called "I love you, but I don't trust you" that has some very helpful points about rebuilding a relationship and trust after betrayals. One of the points that came to mind when I read your recent posts was that the betrayed spouse (we'll call your W the betrayed spouse here since she's bringing up grievances from the past that have hurt her) needs to hear the other spouse tell the betrayed spouse's story, so that she gets that you truly understand her. The book talks about how when the betrayed spouse starts rehashing the same things over and over, often it's because the other spouse's response is along the lines of "Yeah, I understand, and I'm sorry, BUT.." or proceeds to tell their side of the story/why they did it. What the betrayed spouse needs to hear is a recount of what you did and how it hurt them, or their story - not your side of the story, not justifications, not excuses. For example: "Yes, I was really poor at communicating. I didn't do X/Y/Z when what you wanted was A/B/C. You felt unheard and etc. etc. etc.... what can I do differently to in the future?" Another way I've heard such a response put here on the boards is "Yes, I'm so sorry for that hurt and pain I caused before. I can't change the past, all I can change is the future, so going forward what else can I do differently?" - but maybe put in a little more reflection/acknowledgement of what she told you she felt in the past.
You said "It's at the point she's always repeating herself and seems to be trying to re-tell things in response to my side of the story." I can see why she's repeating herself - she wants to know that you understand HER side of the story. She doesn't want your justifications. If my H was telling me his side of the story in response to things I was trying to explain to him, I would NOT feel like he really understood where I was coming from or that he hurt me, but was instead trying to make excuses for himself. Granted I don't know how much you guys have already talked about, but the book I mentioned may be helpful in this situation.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
