Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 12 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
Hello shodan,

I'm praying and hoping things work out for you this weekend man. I've spent some time reading and following your post here. I think you on the right track man. Continue to follow the guidance of starsky, train and others. Do not give up but be the best man only a fool will be crazy enough to leave.

My only advice for you is to be careful what you think, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful what you say, for your words become your action. Be careful what you do, for your actions determine your character and who you are shapes who you will become

Don't speak defeat....this's not the end of your story. Declare victory in your life and marriage this weekend. You have a long way to go but you can do it!

Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
Hello shodan,

I'm praying and hoping things work out for you this weekend man. I've spent some time reading and following your post here. I think you on the right track man. Continue to follow the guidance of starsky, train and others. Do not give up but be the best man only a fool will be crazy enough to leave.

My only advice for you is to be careful what you think, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful what you say, for your words become your action. Be careful what you do, for your actions determine your character and who you are shapes who you will become

Don't speak defeat....this's not the end of your story. Declare victory in your life and marriage this weekend. You have a long way to go but you can do it!

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
S
shodan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
Train, how did you finally lay down the law? What caused your H to come back? And with whom did he have the A? Just trying to learn from you and take some solace perhaps in how things worked for you? I vacillate between being a strong papabear for my kids to being angry due to her lies and deception to just pure bewilderment that the W that I love could do this to her family.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
Yep. I feel you.

Fortunately for me, my H's A was with someone he'd just recently met; she worked at the grocery store he would frequent after work to pick up things I needed to make dinner. Yyyyep. Ugh. They can come from ANYWHERE.

H lived here at home for 2 weeks after I discovered the A. I tried (a version of) the "Plan A" approach during that time (even though I didn't know that's what I was doing). H said he would end his A - at least temporarily - to work on our M. Finally, my H - in what *appeared* to be withdrawals from OW after less than a week of NC - disrespected me in front of S8 (which is INCREDIBLY out of character for him). He yelled: "I don't want to BE here anymore!!!!"

And that's when I started putting fear aside. I kicked him out and changed the locks. H started seeing OW again. I exposed the A to OW's H.

And then I started posting here.

I tried "drawing him closer to me" while he was away. It "worked" ... sorta. But I just ended up with a hurt heart ... and he ate cake ... and he DID - for a little while - have OW AND me. (That's before I really had any firm, stated boundaries in place.)

(Is it starting to come together for you a little WHY Starsky and I say you have SUCH a great head start here?!? I was sooooo winging things and losing ground and flubbing things up in the first weeks of my sitch. And I'd say even *I* had a head start because I was a DB vet; I'd been here in 2005, the FIRST time my H cheated. But I played nice-and-doormat-BFF that time. Which I guess you could argue "brought him home." But the way I handled things clearly didn't work to build enough respect in my H for him to not cheat on me again. We also didn't work on our main issues AT ALL.)

But back to THIS time: I influenced the quick turn-around of my sitch by finally laying down boundaries and staying consistent after I realized that my H would carry on relationships with me AND OW for far longer than *I* could/would tolerate being MY husband's "OW."

That's when I finally (and thanks to advice I received here) started implementing boundaries. It DID NOT seem to "work" at first. I was watching for signs that my H was being pulled closer to me like he did those first few weeks after he was gone. Those signs didn't come. In fact, it seemed my boundaries were pushing him away!!! I vividly remember Starsky saying something to the effect of: "Boundaries do one or two things VERY well; 'drawing them back to you' isn't one of them. At least not at first."

That's the first time I realized (and we even discuss it in my threads, which I'll link here once I'm at my computer) that I was really pulling from more approaches than just DB to try to save my marriage. I was taking more of a "blended" or - as Starsky called it - "dual track" approach. And I committed to it.

It scared the crap out of me. But I knew it was what I had to do for ME. And if my M stood a chance of surviving, it's also what I had to do to have the best chance.

I would still be light and warm and friendly - and dressed up - when I saw H. I was GAL often and would often make sure he saw me dressed for my GAL plans. I also made the decision that I was moving on from our M and physically moving with the kids a couple hours away.

That's what seemed to really flip H's switch.

According to H, my confidence persuaded him to come back. That confidence, especially stacked beside OW's clinginess and whininess, became the better option for H.

After an A is discovered, the LBS is the one who is usually sad and moping while the AP - having his/her ego stroked - has the confidence. That's why THAT person looks so attractive to our spouses. We flip the script a little when we start demonstrating confidence ... at just the same time we have backed off enough to give the AP time to start showing some warts.

It may take a while of consistent changes, sho - that's why they caution "this is a marathon, not a sprint" - but I've noticed that the stronger, firmer stance seems to have success ... AND doesn't seem to take as long to have an effect. I'm thinking it is especially effective when men employ it.

I know I just rambled there. But hopefully that starts to answer the questions you asked. I'll link my threads shortly; there aren't that many (four maybe?).



M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
S
shodan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
Another question, one which I asked before. I know my W has confided in one friend, and probably a few others. They are getting together for a girl's weekend in two weeks. One of the friends is divorced (husband cheater on her), one is separate and treats her H like chit, another has a rocky marriage and the fourth is in a good spot. Three of these friends knew my W from college and know the ex BF (current OM). They hated him. He treated her very poorly in college. But, I know they don't know about the A and they will want to console her and tell her to do what makes her happy. If a D makes her happy, they will support her. But, I doubt they would be so direct and supporting if they knew the full story. How can my W possibly be thinking straight if she is having an A? She is painting me in a very negative light (I am sure) so part of me wants to just warn them to get the full story.

Bad idea, right? Or is this laying down the law and just showing her that I am not a doormat.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
I'll take a stab at that question, too, but trust me when I tell you: that is a TOUCHY subject. And I don't feel comfortable "advising" you one way or the other. I think it's a very personal decision.

MWD would advise against that exposure, as we have already discussed in your threads.

There's another camp, though, that would support such exposure ... IF it is done quickly after the A is discovered and in a LOVING way (eg. "I know W is planning a trip with you ladies soon. I just wanted to let you all know that I love W very much, and will do anything to keep my family together. But we are having some issues in our M right now, and I just recently discovered W is having an A with OM.") There are actually sample letters online for that plan's "exposure." If I remember correctly, it even recommends exposure to all your spouse's friends on sites like Facebook ... AND exposure to the OP's FB friends. But my personal opinion is that takes things way too far. THAT, to me, is when a person will look crazed like 25 was talking about the other day.

But that's just me.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
I should also add, sho, that I exposed my H's A to his best friend, who also was the person H moved in with during our separation. I also told his BFF that I would be willing to work on my M if and when H ended his A.

His BFF promised his house would not be a "bachelor pad" for H. But it ended up that he DID allow H to have OW over there for a sexual rendezvous or 12.

What did I expect, right? OF COURSE he would allow that, even though I asked him to support my efforts to work on saving my M.

But it DID change my relationship with H's BFF, who I had always considered a friend, too.

We will still talk, but I have lost an immense amount of respect for him. Which is very sad because he and I used to talk even more than he and H would. And now that H is home, I'm wondering if BFF regrets supporting the A. It changed a lot.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
Originally Posted By: Lost!
Hello shodan,

I'm praying and hoping things work out for you this weekend man. I've spent some time reading and following your post here. I think you on the right track man. Continue to follow the guidance of starsky, train and others. Do not give up but be the best man only a fool will be crazy enough to leave.

My only advice for you is to be careful what you think, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful what you say, for your words become your action. Be careful what you do, for your actions determine your character and who you are shapes who you will become

Don't speak defeat....this's not the end of your story. Declare victory in your life and marriage this weekend. You have a long way to go but you can do it!


Hey almost, you should post this on the thread of everyone going through this who fits the pattern. I am going to save what I bolded and look at it everything I have to engage my WW!

Sho ...you should do the same!


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 873
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 873
Sho, it sounds like only one of those friends is even worth potentially exposing to. It's only worth telling the people who would support your M. Train, that is too bad, sounds like you really could have had some support in the BFF, but it shows you really never know.


Edited for your protection.
Page 8 of 12 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard