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#2472738 07/26/14 03:15 PM
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lost18 Offline OP
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previous thread- http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...506#Post2468506

Back from vacation. Have never felt so alone or lonely my entire life. Will post what happened at some point. Did well with my goals and DB the first 4-5 days. After that it went downhill. Although it goes against DB I am glad I was able to tell H some of my thoughts. I found out by snooping there is an OW. He spent 3-4 days with her prior to our vacation. He is denying it, but I know. H is completely closed to the idea that we could ever reconcile. I feel like I've been thrown back in time. I am not ready to give up on my marriage and family, H gave up a long time ago.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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I'm so sorry you're feeling so discouraged.

No one knows what the future will hold. Regardless of your husband's feelings you have the opportunity to make your life what you want of it. You have a beautiful life in front of you, you just have to get through this slog with dignity and a belief that you deserve the best. The best way to get that is to be your best. You can do this. You've already done so much.

How are you different than eight months ago?

Hugs to you.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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lost18 Offline OP
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Thanks Maybell, quite honestly I don't know that I am different. I still know what changes I need to make but struggle with consistently doing what I need. I am always sad coming back from vacation, it is where I (and H) grew up, most of my family is there and it is just easy to be there. This time is 100 times worse, I guess I feel like that was my chance. And I listen to what he says and it makes sense, it's logical, but I'm not logical, I'm emotional.

I am tired of NOT DOING because it is easier or because I'm afraid I won't be successful. I just don't know how to change.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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lost18 Offline OP
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Things are settling down for me after 3 weeks up north on vacay, a week in TX for my son's graduation from boot camp and a tournament with D12 this weekend. It's time to take control of my life. I feel like I was making progress before vacation (maybe because I was holding on to too much hope) but I have have reeled backwards. S19 has started his life, D16 got a license and a car and is becoming very independent, H has moved on and is involved with someone else. I wake up every morning and wish I could just sleep all day so I don't feel the hurt. It's gets easier as the day goes on and I continue to tell myself to stop being a victim and take charge of your life. I really don't know why I can't stop feeling sorry for myself...

I know people go through this all the time.
I know people go through much worse than this.
I know people get over it and come out on the other side.
I know I will be OK.

I do have plans to move forward with my life, I'm not just moping and feeling sorry for myself. Mornings are the worst time for me and I since very few people know my situation I don't have many people to talk to so I come here to let out my feelings. I still haven't shared all that happened when H and I saw each other this summer. I will at some point.

My goal is to move forward with my life, mourn my loss, but I'm not ready to close the door on my marriage yet. I wish I knew how to stop loving him, I can't even be mad at him for what he's doing or done because I understand WHY.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
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Originally Posted By: lost18

My goal is to move forward with my life, mourn my loss, but I'm not ready to close the door on my marriage yet. I wish I knew how to stop loving him, I can't even be mad at him for what he's doing or done because I understand WHY.


THIS! This is correct.

The day after BD I went to work. I figured I could bury myself in work because no one is better at compartmentalizing then me. I was wrong. It turned out that every single thing I did- EVERYTHING- was in the back of my mind for my W. I just solved a problem at work, 'that's for you honey'. It was like my life was a love song I was singing just for her. And without her wanting my love I didn't know what my function was.

I met with my therapist on day 2 and told him about that. I asked how I could stop doing that. He said I didn't have to. He said it was OK for me to keep on loving her. He said to understand it would hurt to have that not accepted or returned, but it doesn't make you a bad person to love your H.

I wanted to bump this because we all are in your corner. Sounds like you have room to grow as we all do. Please feel the support we are sending to you. Use your lonely and sad time to read, study, and actively engage in these posts. Heck, I'm probably a bit lost and lonely right now so here I am. You know what, it's a pretty special community and I'm pleased to meet you. Hang in!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Lost 18,

This is LONG....

Sorry you are here again. But it IS the best place to be, for a gross situation.

I noticed a few things. All along this thread (I mean going back to Feb, not the one 10 years ago) you have repeatedly said things like

"I know I should do X or Y, BUT"...and then within days, you say it again about some other DB step.

Honey you have to WORK the Program for the Program to WORK.

I hate wondering if this ^^ same old approach of

"can't change b/c I don't know how"...and so I won't bother learning...


is the same approach you took when you came here 10 years ago??

Well, You are NOT POWERLESS.

If you had been a perfect wife in a regular marriage (NOT a long distance one), then it would be a hopeless situation b/c what can a woman who is already perfect, DO to help her m?

NOT MUCH...fortunately you are part of our "flawed humans" group and we all have things to work on.

I think your depression has seeped into your behavior (causing so much of it, esp the "stuck"ness you are exuding). Are you getting treated for it?

LOVE YOURSELF and if need be, change into a person you will love.
I think you must GAL Much Much more and take charge of your life as you say you are ready to do.
GAL is not about being selfish or unhealthy.


I'm talking healthy self respect and the ability to overcome inertia.

That^^ (overcoming inertia) is what I'd suggest as your specific 180 goal #1.

Stop, stopping yourself from MOVING in any direction.


I hope you will watch 2 videos about 20 min each. They are about our way of THINKING and how it can change and why that matters A LOT.

They are from the 2012 TED TALKs videos; one by Amy Cuddy and the other Shawn Achor, about "Faking it til you Become it" and "The Power of Positivity", respectively.

They have great data to back up their video claims (only 20 min) about how we can create a different future for ourselves by acting differently NOW...

Food for thought!

Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 08/12/14 10:14 AM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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lost18 Offline OP
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Thank you both for your replies.

25, I have been giving your post a lot of thought. I really appreciate you telling it like it is, I often read your responses to others as well and they are always spot on.

I am overwhelmed with all of the changes coming at me. Other than D, I need to get back in the workforce after 5 years in an area that doesn't have a lot to offer, H is going to be done in the Middle East no later than Nov. His original plan was to return here (get his own place) but looks like that is changing as well. Due to the job market where we are he is now considering Europe or a position in another state. (either way this will be a big change financially) S19 is out and on his own in the military, D16 got a license and a car and is much more independent now. I have been experiencing panic attacks the past week or so which has never happened to me before...scary. Feel like my world is caving in.

With that being said (my little pity party) I know that I have some huge changes to make. I can't and don't want to live like this. At this point, I see no hope for my marriage, but I understand that I need to make some changes (big changes) not only to spark any hope in my marriage but for me to have a life that I want. I need to get out of my comfort zone (words my H said to me 2 days ago) and get a job...that is huge right now.

Quote:
I'm talking healthy self respect and the ability to overcome inertia.

That^^ (overcoming inertia) is what I'd suggest as your specific 180 goal #1.

Stop, stopping yourself from MOVING in any direction.


THIS! HOW? This is where I am....how to overcome inertia?

- I updated my resume
- been contacting a realtor regarding a business I'm interested in buying
- today I texted a friend and we are meeting to walk/run

As far as working the program, I feel like I was more so before my vacation. Still had a ways to go but was getting there. Somebody told me back in Feb to quit playing the victim, nobody is going to save me I have to save myself. I definitely feel this more than ever.

I will post more later, D16 is home now. Also need to get my thoughts together better.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
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Lost . . . I haven't been here in a while and I didn't read too far back, so forgive me if I am missing something, but I have to say it seems that you are STUCK.

I get it. I really do. There was a time period where I also felt stuck. Here is how you overcome inertia. Do SOMETHING. Anything. If something is not working, do something different! Literally anything.

You can't work on "getting over" your H or the M. It's just not possible. What you need to work on is being YOU and being HAPPY. (If I tell you "just don't think about elephants," what did you just think about? I bet it was an elephant. So you don't focus on getting over this or pushing away the negative thoughts and feelings - you find positive thoughts and feelings and you focus on those.) That doesn't mean you don't feel the tough stuff. You do. Lean into it. Feel it. Give it a good cry. And then move on.

11 months ago, I was a complete wreck after my H BDd me one random morning. I mean, I was pretty much rock bottom emotionally. I could not imagine how I would ever get over it. How could life ever be good again? How would I ever stop loving my H? I would read what other people wrote and think, pffft, they are cray cray. smile

Today? I am divorced. And I am happy!!! Honestly, I am WAY happier than I was a year ago. You know why? Because I dove right in for those months in between. I truly lived it, instead of pushing it away. I forced myself to accept my reality, to focus on me, and to find joy. It will not just come to you. You have to find it.

For months, the first thing I thought when I woke up in the morning, I mean, before I even opened my eyes, was "oh sh!t. FML." I don't do that anymore. Is there D nonsense still going on with my crazy narcissist XH? Yesssss. Daily. But I have gotten to a place where it doesn't take over my life anymore. I've got better things to do and think about, and so do you. If you don't, FIND SOME!!

One of the things I forced myself to do, even though I cursed about it at the beginning, was every morning (right after I grumbled FML to myself), I made a list of 5 things I was grateful for. Some days it was hard - I could think only of things like, "I'm not dead." But you know what? I have gotten so good at the practice of gratitude that now I can think of 20 things off the top of my head in any given moment, and truly be grateful for them. And even better, I have truly learned that the little things in life are what bring me joy. My life is far from perfect. I'm still dealing with the details of the D orders, I have to sell my house, my Mom has cancer. And then, of course, there are the little difficulties of everyday life. But I have figured out that I can still be happy, in spite of those difficulties. Because you don't have to let the tough stuff define you or control your life, lost!

Listen to the wise people who post on this board. They know of what they speak! smile I did NOT believe any of this stuff they told me, but I did it anyway, and they were RIGHT!

What's the worst thing that can happen?


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
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Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
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lost18 Offline OP
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Thanks Melissa, I was wondering where you went.

I am still here, just not posting much. I agree that I am stuck. I have some better days and not as many bad days but everyday I miss my H terribly.

I have made some small moves forward to take care of myself. Not nearly enough (my IC says I'm too hard on myself).

Got back to the Doctor, refilled my prescription for my hormones & got an anti-depressant as well as something for anxiety. Honestly, that was difficult for me because I don't want to pump all this crap into my body, BUT know I had to do something to feel better.

Finally chose a color to paint the inside of my house and have been working on that. Also have built some photo ledges...new for me.

Started walking(building to running) with my friend. We committed to meeting two days a week that works with both of our schedules.

Found a photography course I'm going to sign up for. Tried to talk myself out of it because it's during the work week and it's 2 days I won't be able to sub and "what if I get a job or an interview." But am just going to do it for me!

Made an appt with my accountant to review the financials of the coffee/gift shop I am interested in buying.

I started subbing again until I can find a permanent full time job!

And of course Fantasy Football has started again!

Also, took suggestions from 25 and Mellisa: I did watch some TED talks, need to watch them again I think! And I started a "gratitude journal," this is a work in progress as I haven't been consistent with it but am trying to be.

Like I said, still a long way to go. Am not detached at all but trying to take steps to move forward.

One thing I am not doing well with is communicating with my H. I told IC about a conversation I had with H and she said he is looking to me for support and that I am missing opportunities with him. I thought she was dead wrong but my sister agreed! So, I guess I have been so careful about what I say to him, not wanting to "pursue" I'm missing out on supporting and validating him! I have had some opportunity to do that but missed others!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
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Originally Posted By: lost18

My goal is to move forward with my life, mourn my loss, but I'm not ready to close the door on my marriage yet. I wish I knew how to stop loving him, I can't even be mad at him for what he's doing or done because I understand WHY.


Just wanted to say this resonates with me. Thanks for putting it into words.

In regard to meds, I'm on an anti-depressant for hormonal issues and I feel like they keep me so stable. I still feel but it's not out of control. It's a chemical-science thing, not a weakness/will-power thing. No shame.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Just checking in, not too much new with my sitch.

Not a whole lot of communication with H. I could really use some advice regarding this. I feel like the lack of communication is not a good thing but following DB rules I know I shouldn't initiate contact. Last time I needed to get info to him I emailed him....he then texted me, very brief convo about a "business" matter, at the end he engaged in more conversation about D16 but seemed to cut it off fairly quickly. Did the same thing last time we were communicating as well, asked if I had heard from S19 and when I responded he didn't reply again. Lots of mind reading going on on my end. When we do communicate, other than the fact that is usually just by text, it's "normal" and friendly.

I guess my question is, considering our situation, should I continue with the way things are or reach out occasionally?


Am doing much better taking care of me, still need to work on GAL but getting there!

-Taking my meds (anti-depressants and hormone)
-taking vitamins
-drinking more water
-walking, working up to running at least 3 days a week, usually with a friend
-going to bed earlier

-have also been subbing more, working on a permanent position
-continuing making progress on the house (still a ways to go)
-still researching the coffee/gift shop for sale
-looking into taking photography courses (depends on work)
-looking for races to sign up for (5ks to start)
-going to plan a football party (once my house is back together) use to have several during the season and haven't had any in a couple of years!

Overall I feel better, think I probably need to set some new goals for myself. I already know one of them is going to be to eat better, just one more step to a healthier, happier me!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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Went to IC today, feel I wasted my session. Didn't really talk about my sitch much at all, talked about the world in general. I'm ok with doing that occasionally but I feel like I needed to talk about my sitch more today. I just feel like I'm going in circles....

Time is flying by and although I feel like I'm making progress, it's very slow going. My IC says I'm too hard on myself.

On another note, I have plans this Fri to go to a baseball game with an old friend from HS and SIL. I have actually known SIL longer than H, she is 3 years older than me and we are from a very small town. Our friend is from a town about 10 miles from ours and I'm pretty sure we both had a crush on him at some point way back when! lol! Good change of pace for me. I need to start doing more things outside of the house and kids.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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Didn't realize how long it's been since I've posted. haven't been on the past couple of weeks because H is home. Trying to be positive, happy etc.

so he is sleeping on a twin mattress on the floor in our extra bedroom...right now I'm pretty sure he's in there texting OW.

Hardest thing I've done.


Me-44 (45)
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S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
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Originally Posted By: lost18
Didn't realize how long it's been since I've posted. haven't been on the past couple of weeks because H is home. Trying to be positive, happy etc.

so he is sleeping on a twin mattress on the floor in our extra bedroom...right now I'm pretty sure he's in there texting OW.

Hardest thing I've done.



I'm having a real hard time detaching too. I just caught up on a little of your situation. Hang in there.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
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S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
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"Didn't realize how long it's been since I've posted. haven't been on the past couple of weeks because H is home."

Why did he come home?

"Trying to be positive, happy etc. "

Not good enough. What other changes are you putting in to play? What's your strategy?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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So it has been an interesting few weeks.

H came home because he suffered another back injury on the job. He was planning on resigning, going to Europe(brother lives there) for a couple of months and then coming home. In the meantime, shipping most of his things home. Instead he ended up home 3 weeks ago. 3 weeks into him being here and I'm feeling positive, but trying not to be unrealistic.

When he hurt his back he called me and let me know right away, was obviously not happy with the situation and told me his employer would probably be sending him to Dubai for an MRI. Then after a few minutes said they would probably end up sending him back to he States because it couldn't be fixed in Dubai. I validated his feelings, asked if there was anything I could do.

Almost a week later I hadn't heard from him so I texted him to see how he was doing and what was going on. It was then that he told me that he would be home in a few days. He got home earlier than expected and the girls and I were eating dinner, unfortunately I wasn't prepared so I was a mess...lol!

He ended up telling me later that HE was the one who made the decision to come home, his company was going to send him to Dubai.

The next morning after the girls went to school he asked if I had been on his laptop (which I hadn't) and he told me how he was dreading coming back because he knew I was going to be snooping thru his stuff like this summer. I used that opportunity to set a boundary of my own and told him that I would appreciate it if he didn't communicate with other women while the girls and I were home. He acted like that was crazy that he would even do that, but I decided I was not going to be a pushover. I think for the most part he has been respectful in that regard.

These are some of the things I've been doing, and tho I'm far from perfect I think it's been positive.

-listen and try to validate when he shares with me (which has been alot)
-keep the house clean
-limit time on computer
-wear a little make up and perfume (even when I'm in raggedy jeans and a t-shirt)
-try not to react negatively to his jabs (there have been a few) I've been NOT reacting, I need to work on positive reactions
-continue to work on the house (painting, new decor)
-continue to apply for jobs, and sub when possible
-meet my friend to run 2-3 days a week
-play softball and go out with team afterwards
-cook some food he enjoys (nachos for dinner last night!)
-continue to see my counselor
-don't ask questions about where he was or who was on the phone
-give him space
-I don't tell him where I'm going
-don't text or call him (unless necessary ie. kids)
-don't bring up relationship, telling the kids, him going to Germany, getting his own place
-smile and laugh as much as possible


Both of the girls were gone this weekend so we were alone. It went pretty well, I came home friday from work and he had bought a jeep...I love it!! Perfect timing as far as weather too! Friday I play softball, so I went to my game and out after and he was sleeping when I got home. Saturday we had beautiful weather, I took him to car dealer to get his truck and drove the jeep back...roof off, music blasting, gulf view...it was therapy! When I got home I went outside and started doing yard work, I didn't ask him to help for many reasons but with his back he shouldn't be doing stuff like that anyway. After I had been outside for 30-45 minutes he came out and started helping me, we did yard work for about 2-3 hours. Later I asked him if he wanted to go out and grab some dinner, he said he was thinking about that too! We went out, had a nice time, came home and I fell asleep on the couch before he went to bed. He is sleeping in the extra bedroom but did say goodnight before he went to bed...that is rare!

I'm trying not to read too much into anything, which is very hard, but we have been getting along well and spending some time together. There is no physical contact, he avoids it for the most part and he still keeps his phone very guarded. I'm trying not to have expectations (very hard) and also trying not to focus on him, trying not to mind-read or put any logic on anything he's doing. Also, he is in pain a lot of the time so I have to keep in mind that his mood is not all about me! All very difficult! Believe none of what they say and only half of what the do...but actions do speak louder than words.

I still need to do more to GAL but I hope I am planting some seeds of doubt, that's all I can hope for right now. He's still home, hasn't filed, hasn't even mentioned telling the kids. I am trying to "keep the road home paved and smooth!"

I could probably write a short story but will stop there for now. Thanks for reading and any thoughts are welcome!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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So things have been going pretty well but now he is mad at me. Really it's for something I have no control over. D13 had basketball and softball practice tonight and didn't get home until after 830. She had hit her head pretty hard before softball so also had a headache and was tired with lots of homework to do. So it is past her bedtime and she is still up. Not sure how this is my fault other than I allowed her to do multiple sports.

Anyway, in his mind it's my fault and he's pissed at me. He went to bed (sleeps in spare room). Would like any thoughts on how to handle this.


Me-44 (45)
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S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
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I'd be very very tempted to just ignore it. Treat it like an unjustified outburst that is obviously more about him (tired? stressed?) than you. He'll probably have forgotten in the morning anyway and if he brings it up, don't defend yourself as it doesn't seem to be your fault at all. Validate, perhaps.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Thanks Mozza, I was tempted to ignore it but that is something I may have done in the past...or it would turn into a blowup. I did asked him this morning if he was still "pissed at me" and we had a conversation. I was able to use the "I hear what you are saying" response and we had a civilized discussion about the situation. Although I think I could have done better, it was a positive outcome.

Still trying to be patient and remember time is my friend! smile


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S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

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My IC told me I was very disciplined today because of the way I am handling this situation. It was interesting to me because I've never thought of myself as disciplined!

This is just the strangest situation to me. On the outside everything seems normal. Hell, even on the inside...except we lack intimacy, which I am soooo missing now, I just would love a hug.

He is still avoiding any physical touch at all....which kills me, but realistically I know I'm just being impatient and/or he may never give that to me again.

The first couple of weeks he was home I think he drew a line, he came in our room and I was changing so he retreated very quickly, last night he came into the bathroom while I was showering...I know that may sound strange but I feel like that was progress.

I really am trying not to read into everything he says or does but still finding that extremely difficult. He uses you/your me/mine quite a bit which irritates me and I know it shouldn't.

Here's hoping for a good weekend! Baby steps and patience.


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I don't get on here as much as I used to anymore, mostly because H is home so I don't really have the privacy, but also because I am trying to limit time on the computer. I'm glad I popped on today and checked on some threads, particularly Mozza's thread because 25years had posted yet another great response!

I was going a little crazy (ok still am a bit) because I feel like how long can I do this? I see progress yet tend to focus on the negatives. I keep telling myself to be patient, really he has only been home for a month and is dealing with severe pain from his back injuy.

Saturday I had made tentative plans to meet my friend and her family out at a local bar and grill, we were discussing ordering pizza in when she called. I told her I may meet her even just for a drink to text me when she was on her way.

In the meantime he had given the girls some $$ to go shopping and we were discussing the possibility of buying and running a concession trailer and what things we could sell (after we had watched some food shows on tv). promising future talk right! During our conversation he asked if I was going out and I said I was thinking about it and asked if he wanted to come. He didn't want to go as late as my friends were going so said let's go now, which we did. Went to dinner, had a couple of beers, conversation and laughs. My friend owns the place so we talked to her for a bit and overall had a really nice night.

Yesterday we had some nice chilly weather so I decided I was going to cook. He was doing yard work. Typical normal family activities.

So why can't I focus on the positives and stop worrying on the fact that we have very little physical contact at all, to the point where I feel like he avoids it. I'm ok with him sleeping in the other room but I saw today that he has put some of his clothes in the closet in the other room. Still keeps his phone very protected....sigh.

OK done with that...time to get back to focusing on me. Keep going in the direction I'm going but still need to find more GAL activities!


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Not much new in my situation. Just trying to back off some...instead of sitting on the couch and watching tv w/him I've been going in my room and reading. Not all of the the time and not being cold in anyway...just giving myself some space. He continues to make comments about "what I should do" referring to the house, so I've tested the waters a bit but did not get a positive response. Part of the reason I decided to back off some.

Earlier in the week we had brought our boat to my friends marina to have some work done. On the way home I asked if he minded stopping at the home improvement store so we did. I was really hungry but decided that I wasn't going to suggest stopping for lunch, but he did. smile

There seem to be many positives right now but know I still have a lot of work to do. Still having a hard time detaching, have been doing a lot of self-talk and thought stopping to try to work thru that.

Tonight he took D13 to practice as I play ball on Friday nights. I asked my friend if she wants to go kayaking this weekend and also have a party to go to on Saturday night. I will extend the invite to him but plan on going at least for a couple of hours. Still working on GAL!

I've definitely been riding my self-made roller coaster lately. We've been getting along well, not just tolerating each other or being friendly. We spend time together and have conversations (no R talks at all!) and laugh and have a good time, at least from my perspective. He doesn't avoid being alone with me, he could easily choose to not be around me, particularly when the kids aren't home but doesn't.

There are times when I wonder WTF am I doing? Is this really what I want? I feel I've changed, still have lots to work on, but my my attitude change has been big...but he hasn't, nor does he think he needs to (mind reading maybe). Of course he has made no indication that he DOESN'T want a D but had made no move toward getting a D. When we separated 10 years ago there was internet/EA and now he's doing the same thing again.

I've made the decision that I want to save my marriage, and for now I'm going to continue down that path, I just wonder how much longer I will be able to do this.

Thanks to everybody here for sharing your stories and the advice you give, not necessarily on my thread but on others. Especially labug, 25, Sandi and Mr.Bond. I always search the threads for your words of wisdom and it always helps knock me back into reality, especially on the timeline!


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A heck of a tale, Lost. Thank you for sharing it. Since my own 'process' started 5 months ago, I wondered if anyone else had similar thoughts to mine. I knew that people did, but it helps to hear them so I'm not completely out of my mind.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck. May we both regain the love we lost..or find some piece of mind at the very least.


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So I went out tonight and I'm glad I did. My friend had a bday party for her husband and a few of my friends were there that I haven't seen in a long time.

I really didn't want to go, I sat around putting it off. Partly because I've become such a homebody and it was after all raining! And partly because I was waiting for D13 to get home so H wouldn't have "free time." Yes, I realize that's pathetic and even while I was doing that was telling myself how ridiculous it was!

I knew I had to go so I finally made myself! I did tell him he was welcome to come if he wanted, I knew he probably wouldn't come(and was right), he doesn't know any of them well and he has admittedly become anti-social.

It was nice to get out and not really think about my marriage, although I was asked a few times how H was and how it was having him home, I just smiled and said really nice. Which is actually true.


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So I had an interaction with H today that I feel I could've handled better and was aware of it while it was happening but didn't really know how to handle it.

I had built some shelves for D13's room and H helped me hang one today. He was going to hang the other one too but I said I still need needed to finish painting it. There were some rough spots on it so he suggested I use the electric sander (which was locked up with most of his tools while he was gone) to sand it. He was in the garage with me and showed me "what I was doing wrong." He then went in the house while I finished sanding. A few minutes later he came out and asked that if I was going to paint to put a sheet over his Harley. I said I wasn't going to paint today but that I would.

Later in the afternoon I was out in the garage again staining a different shelf. He came out and was talking to me and he then realized (because of the way the sun was shining) that there was a layer of wood/paint dust oh the Harley and got upset. Got a cloth and started cleaning the bike while b!tching that he asked me to put a sheet on it and that sh!t was all over it.

I wasn't really sure how to respond, I guess in the past I probably would have gotten defensive and said something about how he said when I painted...which I didn't and would've pointed out that it wasn't that big of a deal (which it wasn't). I didn't really say much and told him I was sorry.

Is it just me or did he make a big thing out of something very little?? Any suggestions on how to handle something like that in the future would be appreciated!

Just thought I'd share that when he was helping me the hang the shelf today I had made a mark on the wall where the screws should go. He came in and measured and told me my mark was off, put the screws in his marks and when he went to hang the shelf had to force it because the screw wasn't in the right place! If he would have used my mark it would have been right on...I laughed to myself but didn't say a word! cool


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Still trucking along in this weird situation I'm in. I know that many on these boards would love the opportunity to have the interactions I have with my H. Funny how we (in general) don't appreciate what we have.

Was feeling very frustrated this week, wondering how long I will be able to continue with things the way they are. I really enjoy having H here. We've been getting along well (minus the few issues I've talked about previously), it's nice having somebody to share responsibilities with, to talk to and laugh with. It's great for the kids to have their dad home. At the same time, although I know I'm being very impatient, I really miss the affection and intimacy. I'm constantly questioning if he will make any changes for himself that are needed for us to have a good marriage.

H has always been a very sexual person, me not so much, this has obviously been a big issue in our M in the past. One of my goals is for H to just touch me, something small like his hand on my back, but he still avoids physical contact. Very negative thinking on my part but I can't imagine that an internet affair (if he is still involved, which is possible but probably not to the extent he was before) can replace the real thing. I'm struggling with this because I know it was a big issue in our M, but can't do anything to let him know I still find him attractive without pursuing him to some extent, which will not work in my favor at this point. He has not said he wants to stay married but also has made no move toward D.

My IC told me I was thinking irrationally, which actually made me happy! There are many things going on with him...he is in pain with his back, transitioning back home, unsure about his future particularly in regards to his job...rationally I do know this...MUST BE PATIENT! TIME IS MY FRIEND!


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A few more notes on what's going on, really not feeling so lost anymore! Confused as hell yes, but not lost!

H has not been doing a whole lot, I am a little worried that he may become a little depressed, that will not be good for our situation, especially with his tendency not to look at himself. I know I can't control him or help him in that regard, just more of an observation I guess.

H's sister texted me about plans for Thanksgiving. We will be spending the day with his family. smile

Last night, he made the comment of maybe finding an old car to fix up instead of just watching shows on tv about it. I showed excitement for him and definitely showed support, I think it would be very cool! He said he'd have to clean out the garage to make room. That to me is future thinking that he has no plans on going anywhere! smile

A couple of hours later I had gone into my room to read and D13 asked H where I was to which he responded "in HER room." frown

This is where believe none of what they say and only half of what the do comes in I guess, he is still all over the map.

Today, after I finished mopping floors (my lack of effort around the house was another big factor in the decay or our M) he said he was in the mood for a gyro and asked if I wanted to go to the mall. We did and we spent some time shopping before we ate, he bought a few things and I was able to give him some genuine compliments. smile

D13 has a tournament this weekend so we will be spending most of the weekend together. H also told me that his sister and husband are coming over Sat. to drink beer and that his brother would probably come over as well. Lots of family time. smile

Hope everybody has a great weekend! Do lots of fun things!


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Getting ready for D13's tournament this morning and she must have told H that she wanted a Muscle Milk from the gas station on the way out. H started making a fuss about it and how she is too young and hasn't developed yet therefore shouldn't be drinking those.

M: Why? It's a protein shake.
H: She doesn't need those.
M: She had pancakes for breakfast, she needs some protein. What's the difference between that and power bars?
H: She shouldn't be eating those either, she hasn't even developed yet.

Grrr....just irritates me, the conversation didn't turn into an argument but I probably could've handled it better I just thought he was being ridiculous.I did get her a Muscle Milk.

Then, we get to the field and she decides not to bring some of her equipment which I didn't agree with and told her. To which he stated in his condescending tone (not sure that quite fits but it's the best I can think of now) "She doesn't have to bring it if she doesn't want to." Again...irritated me...I simply told him not to talk to me like that and he actually said sorry.

We used to get in arguments because I would tell him what a control freak he was...and he really kind of is, he however doesn't see that because he does not self-reflect at all.

Other than that we had a good day...


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So I am growing increasingly tired of limbo..."playing house," pretending, whatever it is. I told H this summer on vacation that communication is important...yet he continues down this path.

With that being said I do see myself reverting back into old patterns as far as interactions with H. Maybe because I feel like I'm not being true to myself in some ways.

Today, after cleaning my room and bathroom I got in the shower, he was gone when I got out. When he came home a couple of hours later I was watching TV and then went in my room and was reading. He came in later and asked if I was feeling sick today? I can't have a lazy day?

I also feel I have been thinking more lately of what he is doing...mostly in regards to contact with other women, not healthy for my PMA.

Tomorrow is a new day, I need to start fresh.


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Once again H invited me to go to lunch today. Of course I went...Kind of in a weird spot though. Want to have conversations about something other than the kids but am kind of stuck because some of what I would like to talk about (not R obviously) I feel may be pursuing, talk about the future. I'm probably over thinking and need to relax a little more....


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Originally Posted By: lost18
He came in later and asked if I was feeling sick today? I can't have a lazy day?


Not really up to date on your situation or what you really mean by this. But I have a feeling my W would take this the same way. When really I was concerned about her. So is this mind reading a bit. I am getting that you thought he said it b/c he thought you were being lazy? But maybe he was just wondering if you were sick and maybe felt bad for you. I could be off base with this but this is how I take it. My wife always expected the worst of me. It was my duty to show her how I truly felt which I did not. But maybe you H means good, maybe not. Just another take on it.

Sorry for the rambles. I have a hard time trying to get out what I am really saying. One of the main reasons I'm in my situation. And something I am trying to work on


M:35 W 31
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Thanks Zed. If I'm being honest looking back at the situation it did seem like he might have actually been concerned. Maybe because I drank a little more than usual the night before! smirk Thanks for making me look at the interaction again from a new perspective.

So one thing I really need to start focusing on is work. It seems that money is a big factor for him (feels like I only want him for his $$?!?!) I really wish I knew what I wanted to do, not a great job market where I live. Not really looking forward to going back to work full time, this is a struggle for me but something I really need to work on, especially since I may end up single and only have myself to rely on in the future.

This afternoon I came home from running an errand, he was putting a new door handle on the garage door. It wasn't something that had to be done....guess he wanted something to do. Also bought a few other things for the house. Positives right? Then he was going through some bills he had to mail and handed one to me that had my name on it and says "this is yours." It was for a Dr. visit for D13, I gave it back to him and said as much. It was $8....lol!! Just a little ridiculous to me since the money all comes from the same pot.


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I think it's time for me to really evaluate my life and wth I'm doing. I was able to find some posts when I was on here previously, unfortunately not when I first came on but even a couple of years after H came home the first time.

It was actually quite discouraging. Brought up a lot of memories of what had happened and some of it is similar to what is going on now. One big issue that is no longer an issue is S19 (S11 last time I posted). Our M has always had problems, and although I love my H, we have common goals, enjoy a lot of the same things and can have a great time together I'm just not sure that will be enough. We have to be willing to put the work in and right now he is not, honestly for most of our marriage he hasn't been. Not saying I was much better, but because it's my story I felt like I'm much more self-reflective than H. I feel like I tried some but gave up because he didn't. Or because I didn't think it was a big deal...

If I'm being honest, I have not made enough changes. Some absolutely, I do feel like the biggest one is my attitude. However, that fluctuates as well. There are things I would like to do but money is definitely an issue. I feel like it is something he is holding over my head right now (maybe not knowingly, but I think to a point he is).

I really wish DR was available electronically, I let my friend have mine a few months back and really need to reread it. MY problem is hiding it from H and the kids.

I'm tired and feel like I've rambled. I will say this, the time I was happiest with ME was when I was working out/running and doing races. I even did the Tough Mudder and the Ragnar Relay! For some reason that became an issue in our marriage and I allowed myself to feel guilty and eventually stopped.

Maybe I haven't made enough changes because I'm afraid it won't matter or I will eventually revert back to old ways (as before) because he won't do the work. I won't ever really know unless I make the full commitment.

I have lots of thinking to do....sigh


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So after reading another one of 25's posts about all of her GAL activities I realized my excuses aren't going to cut it with me anymore. I found a couple of places in my area to volunteer (one I have been "thinking" about for awhile) and pulled up the paperwork. Also talked to a friend about doing a concealed carry course and taking archery lessons. Volunteering is free so no worry about the $$! Did not sign up for the photography course I wanted to do, there is another one in January...think I just need to do it! I've been wanting to that for a few years!

Today, H was doing something in the garage and I did not ask if he needed help like I have been. Instead, I jumped in the shower and got ready, decent clothes and make-up and walked out the door and said "see ya!" He asked where I was going and I said to run a few errands! Which was the truth, but then I went and sat on the beach reading for awhile! When I got home I noticed he had showered and changed, he asked if I had eaten, when I said I hadn't he asked if I wanted to go to lunch again. I did, I'm thinking maybe next time I should say no...but I like to so not sure about that!

I went off to my softball game and later got a text from him (very rare) telling me about the drama at the neighbors!

D13 has another tournament this weekend so we will be spending the whole day together again tomorrow!

I am going to try to take 25's other advice and asking why....very hard, but I guess when I start really GALing I won't worry about it as much!


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So, I'm continuing to struggle. Still have not figured out how to detach or drop my expectations. Even when I'm out doing my own thing I'm wondering what he's doing. Grrr...

I'm just in such a weird place. There is this gynormous elephant in the room but we are not talking about it.

Had a decent weekend. Spent Sat at d13's tournament together and dinner afterwards. Sunday he didn't go but when we got home his friend from high school was over and he had cleaned the house, gone to the store and was cooking dinner.

Yesterday I was building shelves and he helped me some, showed me how to use some power tools I had never used. We have been getting along very well...except for that elephant.

Tonight we were supposed to go to a gathering for D13's team. He said he was going to go up until 30 minutes or so before we were leaving. I was upset and although I didn't say anything I'm sure it showed on my face. I was going over some things I could say if he asked me if I was upset (which he didn't) and I just kept coming up with "I've been doing things alone for 6 years so I'm used to it!" No resentment in that statement. So, I'm glad he didn't say anything! Honestly, even before the B this is not something he would have enjoyed. He doesn't know the people and doesn't really care to sit around and talk about the team thing.

I asked myself why I was so upset and came up with a few things. 1) I feel the more we do together the more he is coming back. 2) I'm worried about having to explain to others where H is. 3) I'm tired of doing it alone (although he has not told me he wants to stay married). Sigh, lots of work to do.


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That's good you came up with things. It sounds like you need to make detaching your priority. It's hard when you're together but if you can thought stop the wondering as much as possible that would help. You have a tough case there, lost, I'll think on it more and see if I come up with anything else.


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Lost18. No words of wisdom but while your together there is always hope Your living together makes it very hard in one way but gives you the opportunity to work on the R / W. It's no help but please know there are plenty of us that feel your pain Stay strong

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Considering where many people are on this forum I know I am lucky at this point to be where I am. It is however very easy to fall back into old habits as far as interactions. He of course has made no changes so the way he interacts with me is the same as it's always been (for the most part).

He was driving me a little crazy today. He's "bored" and is limited as to what he can do because of his back. He was watching tv and pacing around the house while I was making a grocery list and cleaning the kitchen. I asked if he wanted to go to the store and he replied "no, I don't want to do that." I didn't say anything negative to him but I was glad to get out of the house!

This is where the "same ole" interaction came in. Later in the afternoon I was out in the garage putting a second coat of stain on the picture ledges I made (yay me!) and he comes out and as usual starts telling me how to do it...this has always irritated me. I didn't say anything, just looked at him like "no $h!t." I have to try to figure out how to 180 these types of interactions. I guess the first thing I have to do is to not let myself get irritated! Maybe just smile and ask him to show me how to do it?!? IDK, it's obvious I knew what I was doing since it was the 2nd coat of stain.

He did kind of give me some compliments on them today, once said they looked good, then jokingly added for a girl. Later he said something else complimentary and then rolled his eyes. I asked (laughing) why he couldn't just give me a compliment, he said "I just did," to which I replied "and then rolled your eyes!" He laughed.

I guess this is what makes it so difficult and frustrating, everything seems so normal, and I want it to be...but again, that elephant!

Tomorrow we are having Thanksgiving at his sisters, as far as I know her and her husband are the only people he's told, and that was back in Feb and I don't think he's talked to them about it since! My goal, other than having a positive attitude, is to not say anything about him. I have in the past put him down in front of them, not purposely of course, and didn't even realize when I had done it except when he was mad at me and I finally figured out why.

Hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving, and remember to be thankful for what you do have despite of what your situation may be right now.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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insists wants D through July 2015
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lost18 Offline OP
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Venting....

Seriously don't know how much longer I can live like this. Some interactions make me wonder why I even want this M. H can be very controlling and condescending at times, although I don't think a)he means to b)he realizes it or c)he sees it that way.

I'm 44 years old and more than capable of taking care of myself (financially would be a struggle right now). Have I made mistakes? Absolutely, like everyone.

Yesterday when cooking our dishes to take to SIL for dinner there were a few times he started to "make suggestions." Fine, he laughed it off.

We had decided to leave at 1 and I had made a couple of phone calls to my family, still had to shower and make one more dish, he was a little scolding when he said "I guess we aren't going to make our departure time." I didn't realize what time it was but luckily D16 asked to help and we were out the door at about 1:05!

Couple of other things that happened: I was vacuuming and noticed that the vacuum had an awful smell. He said he had used it when he shampooed the (nasty) carpet in the spare room when it was wet and admitted he probably shouldn't have done that. No big deal, I stopped vacuuming and put the vacuum in the garage. Had the situation been reversed he would have more than likely put me down and made a bigger deal about it. (speculating maybe, but that is what history shows.)

Today he was looking for his keys, I said to look on the hook to which he replied very sternly "don't put the keys there, it's right above the garbage can." Which has a lid and I have been hanging my keys there for 7 years and have yet to have to dig through the garbage to retrieve them! It's really his tone that irritates me.

He is out looking for a trailer now, and possibly an old jeep to refurbish, which unlike the past I am encouraging.

He continues to avoid touching me, sleeps in the other room, keeps his phone with him all the time and when he does take it out of his pocket briefly places it face down.

Not sure what the point of this post was, other than to vent and journal. Time to get busy doing something!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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lost18 Offline OP
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Wow, what a difference a few hours can make. I went from do I even want this M to being upset (yes, clearly I need to detach) because it seems like his project does not involve me in his future.

He came home with a trailer, bigger than needed, possible too big to be towed by his Jeep. He is talking about putting cabinets in it, insulating it and putting a fold down bed in it so he can haul his Harley to bike rallies and sleep in the trailer. He was telling me what he was thinking and the size of the bed was big enough for one person. I'm aware I'm probably mind-reading but to me that says he doesn't intend for me (or anyone I guess) to go with him.

It has been my misfortune that my emotions show clearly on my face, we were walking back in the house and he asks me "if I'm pi$$ed." I simply answer "why would I be pi$$ed."

I'm so frustrated, with myself mostly, but of course with him. Frustrated that I allow things he is saying and doing to upset me and frustrated because I know there must be a better way to handle these interactions but can't figure out how.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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lost18 Offline OP
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Really having a roller coaster of emotions today. Feeling very anxious and sad right now.

H and I were having a conversation about "living off the grid," (we've been watching a few shows where they do that) pretty sure I couldn't, wouldn't want to, do it, at least not extreme. Anyway, he went to the garage to have a smoke and a little bit later I went out there. He had his phone in his hand and I could see that he had been using it but slipped it in his pocket.

I thought there hasn't been a lot of contact with ow but could very well be way off base. Anyway, he went to "read" in "his" room. I think I'm going to take D13 to the movie. Sigh


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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lost18 Offline OP
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Ok, time to get off my pity party. I realize that I have not come close to detaching. Haven't quite figured that out yet, definitely need to work on that big time!

So, D13 and I went to the movie. It was good to get out of the house.

Here are some things I have been thinking about the past few hours. Most are obvious when I'm using my brain and not my heart.

1) If he is going to contact ow there is nothing I can do about it. Whether I'm home, he's in "his" room, he's in the garage, he leaves, I'm in the shower or in my room....it doesn't matter. Does it make it inconvenient for him sometimes, sure, but I CAN'T CONTROL IT.

2) Another issue I'm having with that ^^^ is I did tell him (put a boundary) that I did not want him to have any contact with ow while the girls and/or I are home. I have no proof that he is, and don't think I should and don't want to bring it up (for several reasons). So I feel like I can't be firm on that boundary. Any suggestions on that are appreciated.

3) Trying to figure out the pattern. If I back off does he come closer? Does he back off and I get needier (for lack of a better word)? Do I feel progress and then become needier and push him away? Can't quite figure that out yet, need to pay closer attention.

Today, he was outside working on a project with D13, I had been out there earlier putting the last coat of stain on my shelves, when I was done I came in and was on the computer. He came through the house and asked me if I was going to come outside. (it was genuine and nice) Of course then made it all about D13...I went and watched for a bit, took some pictures. I guess we are both all over the place...

Quote:
That is why we recognize this as the push-pull dynamic. The WAS get closer to you momentarily and then when they realize how "close" they got to you..they PULL waaaay back as not to give you any false hope of recconciliation becausee they "feel" a bit disloyal to the OW/OM. Tbhis is the foggy brain that's impacting their actions.


I came home from the movie and decided I needed to read my huge email I keep adding to of good posts I find here. ^^^ This one was posted today, I think by Wonka, makes sense that may be what I'm experiencing.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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lost18 Offline OP
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Took some time to myself today. Talked to my sister for awhile, she is getting angry with H and his selfishness and immaturity. I think because I was angry and upset too so she probably follows my emotions somewhat to support me. She understands what my goal is and why I'm doing what I'm doing. She also understands that if it continues I'm going to get to a point where I'm done.

I tried to make plans with friends today to no avail. I knew I had to do something so I got ready (make-up and hair) and went out. He noticed but neither of us said anything, I was vague with D13, just said I was going out and about.

I didn't really have anything to do or money to spend so I ended up just going to the bookstore, read through some of DR and snooped around a little. Took the long way home and swung thru the Starbucks drive-thru and listened to a podcast on the way.

We are still getting along, talking and laughing. We were talking about his brother and his situation. He made the comment about when we go see them or they come here how his wife will complain about moving back to the states. Sounds like future talk....another reason I need to detach. He is all over the map and I don't think he has any idea.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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insists wants D through July 2015
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lost18 Offline OP
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Ok, so I need help. One of the boundaries I set with H is no contacting OW while the girls and I are home. I'm pretty sure he has been although I have no proof. Tonight, he was out on the lanai on his laptop (typical) he was also texting. I was standing in the kitchen, perfect view of his chair and he was texting away. Sometimes he hides his phone like the other night in the garage. Suddenly, he comes in the house turns off the lights outside (my opinion he was glaring at me while doing so) throws his glasses on the counter. I asked why he was throwing stuff around and he said he wasn't. Went right to "his" room without even saying goodnight to the girls like he usually does.

I know there is some speculation on my part, but now I'm upset. How utterly selfish of him. After 18 years of marriage I deserve much, much better than this.

I don't see anyway to address it without a fight and me getting upset. Do I just ignore it? Let it go? I'm open to suggestions.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
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lost18,

I am new to the board, and read your thread. I can hear/see the hurt you are going through. It is good to set goals, especially for yourself. As that is all you can really control. You know this, as I saw it in your thread. Therefore, him crossing the boundary is very disrespectful, but not something you can control. How are you doing with performing a 180? Focusing on you and detaching?


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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Hi. Not a vet so please take what I say as just my thoughts. You posted that you can't control your H and his contacting OW. Your right , mind reading will only cause you oak because it's rare to mind read with a positive spin. If you get proof he has over stepped or broken a boundary then confront him. Until then detach and become the best you that's possible. Let the negative thoughts go and stop the mind reading, neither will help at the moment. Take care

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It's hard if not impossible when one partner checks out.

I tried my best at DBing for almost a year to no avail.

I'm still very sad, but at least I know that according to my therapist, I did all that I could to save my marriage.

Hopefully yours will work out better.


Me: 46
Ex: 38
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Thanks rd, I know you're right, but I'm getting to a point where I am giving up hope and although he has always been somewhat selfish, this is just making me see that even more clearly. He has his old iphone on a speaker out in the garage (there is also a stereo) I wanted to listen to that while I mulched instead of the same 5 songs on the radio. It has a password on it, I asked him for it and he wouldn't give it to me, put it in himself and made sure I couldn't see. Of course with a stupid smirk on his face. Really? Grow up and quit being such a disrespectful a$$. I asked him to change the password so I could use it. Apparently he hasn't deleted anything off of it and is going to continue hiding things from me.

I have been very tempted to send and anonymous email to ow (if it's still the same one) asking her if she knows he's married. I won't! I know it won't get me anywhere. But seriously, if he's still keeping this long distance affair going while living in my house why so secret. Tell me, you've met someone, this is what's going on. Instead he wants to have his family and comforts of home while getting his emotional needs met somewhere else.

Is he waiting for me to be the bad guy? I'm trying to live my life but these emotional setbacks are making it difficult for me.

On a positive note, I finally got the picture ledges I made hung (with H's help) and they look really good. Now I'm making some frames. I really enjoy building things, who knew. I could use a little more patience because sometimes I don't take my time and it shows in the final product!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
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lost18 Offline OP
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Continuing to struggle emotionally. The twisted stomach, something I haven't felt in a while has been back the past few days. Not sure why, nothing has really changed.

I have been giving some thought to what happened the other night when he was on the lanai texting. I did not do a good job of "acting as if." I assumed because of the way he acted that he was texting OW. I realize that there is a very good chance that he was, however, there is a possibility that he wasn't. If it's 8pm here, it's 1am where suspected OW is. So...it is possible that he doesn't text her in the evenings. The other reason he could have been upset is because he felt like I was watching him (which sadly I was.) Or maybe he was just tired and ready to go lay down.

So after I thought about that the past few days, yesterday I got home from work and he was in a "good mood." I automatically started thinking that he was able to get some internet face time with OW because he had time alone all day. I have got to try to change my thinking.

There has been a lot of talk on the boards about exposure. In my situation I know exposing, especially without proof, my H to his family would not have a positive outcome. I have considered contacting OW, just to say hey, you know he's married with children. But, as I wrote that I know that would not have a positive outcome with H, it may drive him out the door very quickly.

I guess maybe my H is right, maybe I'm more negative than I want to admit. Instead of looking at the positives in my situation, I have been focusing on the negatives.

Positives
He's home, in our home
we are getting along
he has not told the girls
he has not filed for divorce
we are having dinner as a family
we do things together
he has set up some of his things around the house
he seems to be comfortable in his family home with his family
he does show some concern when I'm not feeling well

negatives
he is sleeping in the other room
no physical contact
most talks about future are just him
he is very protective of his phone, with him at all times
he keeps money separate

My working on myself takes hits with my emotions.
I am continuing to see IC and taking AD's as I have been.
Running with my friend a couple times a week (we slacked a bit but are back at it).
Continue to do things around the house to keep it clean (big issue in our marriage)
I filled out a volunteer application for Habitat for Humanity, looking forward to volunteering.
Continue to work and apply for jobs (could do better here)

I think if I focus on one thing to improve on it is going to be more exercise, I need to start working out more. I need to lose some weight, unfortunately the BD diet did not work this time around.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
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lost18,
When I first joined the board I read your entire story and I think you are doing great. You are focusing on a lot of good things, and definitely have identified some 180s (you were negative and then you wrote a list of positives). I've done something similar, where I wanted to walk away from the situation knowing that I did everything I could, and it seems to me that is exactly what you are doing!


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
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Thanks Mahhhty, this is is a difficult situation we are in. I haven't read you're story so I'll have to take the time to do that. I always appreciate when people take the time to give me some encouragement.

I have decided that right now I need to focus on keeping my emotions in check. Not quite sure why such a struggle the past couple of weeks. I wasn't feeling great this week either which didn't help. I also feel like maybe he has pulled back some and since I am obviously not detached I have become more emotional. I am definitely getting upset about things that aren't in my control.

I was talking with my sister today about dating and such (not even close to ready) but just the dating dynamic seems so off kilter. Maybe I'm being cynical or stereotypical but it seems like men always want the young(er), hot bodied woman (even though they are not young or hot bodied). I feel like there isn't much out there for me, the men I find attractive that are age appropriate (I feel) aren't going to find me attractive. It just makes me sad that I may be out there again some day.

I was reading a post that somebody wrote about there WAH being the best choice out there in the dating world, I feel similar. Pretty sad I feel that way since he is treating me like chit. Take away the big stuff, lying and cheating, even the little stuff.. I deserve more. Yesterday he came home with lunch for himself, do you think he even thought about getting something for me? I asked him what he got me (knowing full well it was nothing), when he said "nothing" I laughed and said I know, I was kidding. Granted considering our situation that doesn't seem like a big deal, but he's always been like that. I've been asking myself this question a lot lately, but is this really what I want the rest of my life?

Enough pity party for now. I started pulling way back again, just have to make it stick this time. Spending time in my room reading when he's home, not asking him if he needs anything. Yesterday he came home from physical therapy and was making phone calls, didn't ask what was going on or how he feld. He did tell me this morning that he was able to pick an orthopedic surgeon. Went to the grocery store didn't ask if he wanted anything, stayed out of the garage when he was out there tonight (very hard, I have a tendency to want to check what he's doing).

Big one for me, he left his laptop logged on when he left the house today, I went out there looked at it and made the decision not to snoop. This was the only opportunity I've had and I didn't do it! YAY ME!

Last edited by lost18; 12/06/14 03:58 AM.

Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
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lost18...
When my W was still here and it was early on, I had a few opportunities to snoop. In the beginning I tried (unsuccessfully... serves me right). However, towards the end (after I got some maturity and education) I viewed that it was beneath me and never tried again. I know that it is an empowering feeling, and confirmation you are on the right path.

As for the dating piece. I would define your goals and work towards them. Don't clutter the situation if you are focused on getting him back. However, if you are thinking about dating, I do think your answer is stereotypical. The entire world is out there and it is available to you, whenever you are ready for it. The possibilities are endless.

You also mentioned reading at night. It is good to distance yourself from him. Is there any opportunities to step that up to show you are moving on... Movies? Go out with friends? Some sort of class? Gym? Yoga?


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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I am not thinking about dating at the moment, not even close to ready. Just one more reason I don't want to be in the situation I'm in. I will cross that bridge when and if I get there.

I am having a very hard time detaching though, after almost 10 months you'd think it be easier. Yesterday we were getting ready to leave for D13's tournament, kind of standing around "waiting" to leave. He said if you don't want to go don't, you can go tomorrow and I'll stay home. I told him I thought I was going to stay home tomorrow (today) morning. He said oh, then I'll stay home now. Instead of being detached and saying ok, first thing out of my mouth was "you already told her you were going." He said, "she'll be alright" to which I replied "whatever H" (not snotty). I'm sure he could see on my face that I was disappointed. Grrr...he did end up going. Part of the reason I didn't want him staying was because I want him to have as little opportunity as possible to have "face" time with OW. I need to figure out a way to let go...detach, for my sanity. ughh!

As far as opportunities in the evening, I do run a couple times a week with a friend, D13 also has practice a couple of nights a week and I play softball on Fridays. Although my kids are more than old enough to be home, and with H here there is no issue anyway, but the evenings are the only time we have as a family. Dinner, homework and such. I feel like if I'm always off doing something I am losing time with my kids, even if they are in their rooms, at least I'm home if they need me and to tell them good night.

I am going to try to get more exercise in, 2 days a week is not enough so I will work on that. I feel like if I can just get through Christmas it will be easier to move forward.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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no more talk of D since
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H got home with D13 today and I was mopping floors :), both were very tired as they were up about 5-530am after not going to bed until after 11. H had actually taken her to eat with the team after the game. Big 180 for him since he really isn't very social, especially with people he doesn't know. I def. missed an opportunity to praise him there, didn't even think about it until just now. Oh well.

Last night after game delays and such and about a 45-60 minute drive home D13 asked to get some food, H said no. I said you could just swing thru the drive-thru but he didn't. I felt kind of bad for her because it was a long day and I know she was hungry but didn't want to make a big deal about it. I really don't understand him sometimes.

Anyway, they were both tired and he went to take a nap and D13 went in her room to watch a movie. After I finished mopping I texted a friend to see if she wanted to meet. Ended up going and having a few drinks (in the middle of the day!) D13 always tries to find out where I'm going, I just told her out and about. Of course put make-up and perfume on so I looked good. After a few drinks I was in a good mood when I got home, both were outside and D13 asked me to play basketball so I did.

At one point I said something to her and we both started laughing really hard and couldn't stop! It felt good. Hung out in the garage with H (and D off and on) talking and gossiping. He at one point told D13 he was going to Germany, she was very upset and went in the house, even after he said he was kidding. When he said he was done outside and went in the house, D13 and I stayed out there (normally I would go in when he does) and she was doing "Broadway routines." Very entertaining, especially since she is a tomboy and would never actually dance or cheer.

Glad I went out with my friend, I definitely need to do that more often. My PMA is up and I was able to have a few laughs with H and D13. Then the girls finished decorating the tree. All and all a good day, need to keep my positive mojo going.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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Good for you! That sounds like a fun day. You can hear/read the happiness in your voice.

I read something last night about GAL from another post... "Act as if by showing that you will be happy regardless of his/her choices. You show strength by finding some new friends/activities aside form spouse. Actions speak louder than words."

Thats what you did. Keep it up!


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
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Quote:
I read something last night about GAL from another post... "Act as if by showing that you will be happy regardless of his/her choices. You show strength by finding some new friends/activities aside form spouse. Actions speak louder than words."


In reading success stories it seems GAL is a huge part of their success. Sometimes I'm not sure that I'm so much GAL as much as pretending to GAL! Today I had a DR appt early so got up and went. Stopped home after for a bit, made my bed, took my vitamins and left again to get my hair done. H was not home. I was gone most of the day, got home when D16 did.

My PMA is still pretty good, but am still struggling with detaching. I was reading in my room and he came in and asked about taking D13 to practice, he had already asked me shortly before so I thought that was weird. He was in the garage later and I went out there to ask him something and his phone was out of his pocket, face down. Of course that got my mind twisted so popped back out a few minutes later and he slipped it into his pocket. I wish I knew how to stop!

Later I heard him start up his Harley and take it for a short ride, I commented as I was leaving (he was shining it lol) that I was jealous that he went for a ride and I haven't gotten a ride yet (is that pursuing?). Anyway, he said in his gruff personality "I'll give you a f'n ride." Took D13 to practice and that was it, he was in bed when we got home at 830. D16 said they watched Elf together. I know I shouldn't care.

Going to try to keep my PMA going! S19 will be home this weekend. Not quite sure what to do with the sleeping arrangement. Any suggestions on how or even if I should address this with H?


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Originally Posted By: lost18
[quote] Anyway, he said in his gruff personality "I'll give you a f'n ride."


I had to re-read this a couple times. Was this playful or condescending?

Originally Posted By: lost18
[quote] Going to try to keep my PMA going! S19 will be home this weekend. Not quite sure what to do with the sleeping arrangement. Any suggestions on how or even if I should address this with H?


I'm not sure how you should do it, but I would think you should follow your 180s. What would you normally do? and do the opposite?


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
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That's a good question! Hard to tell with him, honestly probably a little of both.

I am not sure what a 180 would be in this situation, can't figure it out. Since S19 will be home in a few hours I guess it'll work itself out.

Not much new to report, still having the same ups and downs.

Had a IC appt this week, she keeps wanting me to look for times when he is fishing and act on it. Hard to explain in writing, I guess it would probably bee seen as pursuing. Not ready for that, still afraid of being rejected although I've been rejected for over a year now. When I started seeing my IC my goal was to save my marriage and work on myself, not sure if that's what I want anymore. Obviously I will continue to work on myself, but I'm getting frustrated and angry with H. I know I don't want the marriage we had, I'm working on me, however, I just don't know if he has it in him to look at himself at all, much less make any changes. He's extremely selfish, condescending, crude, and controlling. I've always known these things, I think his negative traits are just standing out more for me now that I'm changing.

For now, I'm going to keep my PMA and 180's when I can. Continue with the GAL activities I have and hopefully do more. I will reassess after Christmas.


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Christmas is getting closer. How are you doing?


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
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W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
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Hi Mahhty, I'm doing ok, thanks for asking. Haven't been on much as I've been busy and my computer was down for a few days. Don't have time for much of an update, not much has changed. He is all over the place and unfortunately I tend to follow in his moods.

Have not done very well DBing. I'm just so tired of the (what I feel is constant) criticism and being told what to do and condescending attitude. I haven't been handling them well...we were at a party tonight and just looked right at him and told him to stop telling me what to do. It wasn't ugly and there was nobody else around but geez, I'm not 10. Last night he criticized my driving (after having a nice time out) and I started out defensive and then just told him to let it go.

Tomorrow we are going to a football game, me, H, all 3 kids, his sister and family, his brother and nephew. Should be fun!

I'm going to keep doing the best I can, keep my positive attitude, be fun, keep my changes with the house, not stress about Christmas and the fact that I've barely started shopping, continue to meeting my friend to run as much as we can and reevaluate after New Years.


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Merry Christmas Lost. Keep your head up and stand your ground.


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W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
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Not in a great place right now. Have not been doing a very good job of DBing. Sick of it. Every time I feel like I'm ready to let go I allow myself to get drawn back into the BS. It has been far too long for me not to be more detached.

I need to get my thoughts together and find some time to myself so I can post more. I don't want a divorce, but I'm tired of being treated the way I'm being treated. I deserve better.


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You've had a lot of together time. It's hard to catch your breath and evaluate your needs in the circumstances. You do deserve better. I think you might be in a similar space to where I was last year. Finding your boundaries like you did at the party will help a lot.

Hugs and a toast to a better 2015.


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I think I've determined that it's not so much that I'm ready to let go of my M, I just don't know if I have it in me to continue this way. I feel the past 2 days H has either been in more contact with OW or just not trying to hide it as much. I was so angry that I could feel my face and skin burning. At any rate, I don't know if I'm strong enough to continue. I tried to set boundaries in regards to him communicating with ow while we are home, that doesn't seem to have worked. It's like clockwork lately, between 4-430 he goes out to the garage and several times I've gone out there and he's on his phone. I can't prove that he is communicating with ow and if I try to reenforce my boundary it will start a fight. I'm stuck.

I really don't know how so many lbs have done this for so long. I feel more disrespected than I ever have in my life. I have an IC appt tomorrow, it helps but I wish she understood the DB principles. I went and bought another DR, read thru some parts in the bookstore first. I'm feeling down and like I definitely fall into the category that no matter what I do H is done.

I know I backslid quite a bit the last few days, I know there are things that even before that I wasn't doing very well. Especially with the expectations. I've been doing a lot of reading and listening to podcasts, it does make me more positive. Sorry for being such a downer lately, just trying to figure out what to do.


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I say enough is enough. I too am at that point. It's about self respect. Boom.


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lost18 Offline OP
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Had a pretty good session with IC today, listened to podcasts and read some posts here. Bottom line is I'm not ready to give up, I do however realize the need to reiterate with H the boundary I set regarding contacting OP while I (and kids) are home. One of the podcasts I listened to is about being "all in." I want to save my marriage, and create a better one...time to go all in!

My IC reminded me of the positives in my situation. The big one is that he is home and we do spend time together and enjoy doing so. Definitely time for me to refocus.


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Originally Posted By: lost18

My IC reminded me of the positives in my situation. The big one is that he is home and we do spend time together and enjoy doing so. Definitely time for me to refocus.


Thats definitely a good starting point. He is still there. Everyday is an opportunity!

The other woman isn't something you can control, but you can control how you deal with it!


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
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Lost, remind us -- what is your H's position with respect to the OW? Has he acknowledged her or completely denied it? Does he claim that he is no longer in contact with her, or did he just agree to respect your boundary and not contact her when you (or the girls) are there?

I've been pondering a little piece of wisdom I recently received from a friend: Trust him even when he doesn't deserve it.

I don't know that I agree with it 100%, but I think there may be some merit to it. My trust issues get in the way a lot in my M. They are completely justified, but they still get in the way. If I choose to take him at his word, it saves me from agonizing over whether I'm being told the truth or not, and it's easier for me to interact with him in a positive way. He may not deserve it, but at the same time I'm not making any big decisions right now that would be affected by whether or not he's being honest with me.

I guess this is all to say -- if he's said he's not contacting the OW when you're home, maybe you can trust that he's being honest and focus your energy elsewhere (like making sure that you spend QT together).


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Quote:
Lost, remind us -- what is your H's position with respect to the OW? Has he acknowledged her or completely denied it? Does he claim that he is no longer in contact with her, or did he just agree to respect your boundary and not contact her when you (or the girls) are there?


He has never acknowledged there is an ow. After the BD in Feb he spent the weekend somewhere with someone but his story about spending it with his buddy doesn't make sense. He spent 3ish days in the UK prior to our vacation in July (yes I snooped and admitted it) and claims to have just hung out there by himself. Again after snooping on his phone in July (not admitting what I know) I found lots and lots of communication between him and an OW in the UK. He did say (not in so many words) that he feels he is "free" to do whatever because he told me he wanted a D.

When he came home in Oct, the first day he was back he made a statement about me snooping and we "talked" about it. I than told him that I would appreciate him not communicating with OW or OWs while me and the kids are home. He made some comment about video chatting and agreed that would be disrespectful.

I don't have a way to prove that he is communicating with an OW but I think he probably is and I feel at this point I need to have some self-respect in regard to that. Also, I don't get any sort of feeling from him that he's changed his mind about D therefore feels like he's not doing anything wrong, but if he truly felt that then he probably wouldn't be as worried about hiding what he's doing. I know that's lots of mind reading, he also hasn't moved forward in anyway with a D.

He's home every night, rarely goes out, maybe an hour or two during the day so at this point there is no ongoing PA although there probably was.

Admittedly, I have done things I shouldn't, made excuses to go in the garage when he's out there (trying to catch him? make it inconvenient for him?) and there have been times when I can see that he's gotten angry about it. I am not going to out of the blue bring it up to him, however, if I do see him texting and trying to hide it I am going to reenforce my boundary.

"H, I don't know for sure who you are texting when you come out in the garage, but we did have an agreement when you came home and I hope you are honoring that agreement." (not sure on the wording here).

Also, not sure if he'll respond or how I may respond to his response so any advice here would be great.

It may not make a difference to him at all, but I need to feel like I'm standing up for myself and not being a doormat that allows him to do whatever the heck he wants.

Quote:
maybe you can trust that he's being honest and focus your energy elsewhere (like making sure that you spend QT together).


Trust is hard, especially since he's not asking for it but I totally agree with focuing my energy elsewhere, maybe another reason I feel I need to say something. Unfortunately not a whole lot of QT right now.


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After my declaration yesterday tonight was hard. I just wrote and erased a whole paragraph about how odd I thought H acted tonight and his movement around the house, realized it doesn't matter what he is doing, it's what I am doing. Mind reading, focusing on him, living in fear.

I am using my IC tools to and sometimes they help, sometimes they don't. I'm not a big believer in resolutions, I feel like you shouldn't have to wait until the new year to make changes, but will have to tie some of my new goals into NY resolutions!


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Lost, I don't understand your sitch at all but you *feel* to me like you're going through the same place I was a year ago. You don't have enough to react against but your H does feel weird and sneaky to me. I feel like you need a vet, a DB coach, or a crisis to shake some truth out of this weird limbo you're in. Wish I had better advice for you.


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Thanks Maybell, it is weird, I don't know that it will change anytime soon. I'm sure a vet will tell me to detach and the best way to do that is to GAL! I could use some guidance on interacting with H. Unfortunately I can't afford ad DB coach.

Things seemed a little weird again today for a bit but not too long and it didn't seem like he was texting...who knows, maybe there is trouble in paradise, wishful thinking! On a positive note, out of the blue he shared something he was thinking about doing in the future. I paid attention and showed interest, probably should've said something along the lines of I think he'd be great at it (which I do believe).

I made twice baked potatoes and grilled steaks for dinner, I'm not a great griller, normally H does the grilling when he's here but I didn't ask, just did it myself.

Sitting here about 15 minutes before the new year, H went to bed around 830-9 as usual, D13 fell asleep about 45 minutes ago, D16 is out of town with friends and S19 is out....sigh....very quiet.

Here's to making it a great 2015!


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Happy new year! My kids stayed up and kissed me happy new year. smile this is the year I shake the dust of all this from my feet and live more freely. May you find freedom in 2015 too!


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I know forgiveness is supposed to be a "gift you give yourself" but how do I forgive his ongoing relationship? Although in his mind he is single... I'm really struggling with this, I feel it physically, I feel so heated (literally) quite often lately. I want to be able to detach but living together is making this extremely difficult.


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Lost,

I'm sorry you are struggling. I don't think the holidays help with challenging situations in life and hopefully 2015 brings you peace.

I think everyone has their own idea of what forgiveness is. I think in order to begin to start the forgiveness process that one has to let go-really let go. It doesn't mean you condone someone's behavior, however ultimately the only person you control is you I think part of forgiveness is recognizing your h made a decision. You may not like or agree with it, however you accept this is his choice.

Try to take the focus off him. As long as it's on him, you will drive yourself batty. Focus on changes and things that make your life rich and rewarding.

Hang in there!

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 01/02/15 12:00 AM.


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Quote:
Try to take the focus off him. As long as it's on him, you will drive yourself batty. Focus on changes and things that make your life rich and rewarding.


Thanks GB, I know this is what I need, just have not been able to figure out quite how to do that! sigh. I do have plans to really focus on eating right and working out as well as possibly picking up a part time job. I am going to find some fun races/obstacle races to do as well.

I am also going to TRY not to assume everytime he is texting it is OW...also difficult.

On a positive note I was able to support and encourage him today. He has talked for many years about restoring an old jeep/car. We saw one today and stopped on the way home to look at it. When we got home his wheels were turning, we talked about it, before giving my opinion I did ask if he wanted to hear it. He ended up going and buying it. I continued to be supportive and watched videos on restoring jeeps and looked at pictures.

I also have a chance for a 180, he needs room in the garage and there is tons of stuff in boxes as well as furniture as D13s team is supposed to be having a garage sale. He made a comment that we will fight about it. I have an opportunity to take care of it and make room in the garage for him.

Also, he made the comment about me not expecting it to be finished (and out of the garage) in a month. Sounds like he has no plans on moving out anytime soon.

If I'm being honest, I do feel some resentment about the financial part of this decision. He's able to go write a check for $3k without a thought but most $$ I have is strictly for bills, household things and the kids. Found some cute things for the house yesterday (talking less than $100) but couldn't buy them because I don't have extra money....sigh.


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First and foremost may 2015 be your year for health, happiness and prosperity!!!

Your H is there with you. Everyday is an opportunity. I used Sandi's Rules as the guidelines for how to interact with my spouse. I suggest you do the same. It may help bring some clarity to your interactions with him.

Something else I tried to implement in my experience, when trying to understand the spouse's actions (and to keep my brain in check) was to think of everything in terms of ranges or possibilities. An example over the holiday, was when she said "You should come to my parents for Xmas because I think your nieces would really like to see you." So I would break this down to two parts; best case and worst case. Best case - she said that b/c she wants to see me. Worst case - someone in her family guilted her into saying that. This technique helps me not get carried away, and to think objectively (taking into account blinders and exceptions).

It seems that a major struggle for you is the OW and the R boundaries. How do your 180s align to R boundaries? AKA were you passive in the R and therefore being more active would be a 180?

In regards to the OW. Focusing on yourself and detaching will give you more confidence, identity, focus. Once you live the change, others will be forced to deal with the new you and the sky is the limit.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
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First and foremost may 2015 be your year for health, happiness and prosperity!!!


You too!

Quote:
Your H is there with you. Everyday is an opportunity. I used Sandi's Rules as the guidelines for how to interact with my spouse. I suggest you do the same. It may help bring some clarity to your interactions with him.


I read them Sandi's rules often, some I'm doing well on, others I need more work. I think I will look at those and use those to set some new goals.

Quote:
It seems that a major struggle for you is the OW and the R boundaries. How do your 180s align to R boundaries? AKA were you passive in the R and therefore being more active would be a 180?


We were doing something in the garage today, I saw him texting prior to us going out there and I had come in the house and when I went back outside he was texting again. I used that as an opportunity to reiterate my boundary. Didn't go exactly like I wanted tho. It went something like this

M: "I hope you aren't breaking the agreement we had about not texting or communicating with other people while we're home."
H: (smirk) "Is that what you think I'm doing."
M: "I don't know that you are doing that right now but I think you have."
H: "yes" and then we got sidetracked or interrupted and that was the end of it.

So, I guess I got my point across although not a firmly as I would have liked, don't know if he really cares. I will do my best to take Elsa's advice from now on and believe he is not texting OP.

As far as the 180's go I've been trying to figure that out, we've lived apart for 6 years so I'm really struggling with that. One of the big issues that I could really do some 180's with I can't right now because it would be pursuing. He felt like I wasn't attracted to him sexually, unfortunately he is not open to that at all.....

Quote:
In regards to the OW. Focusing on yourself and detaching will give you more confidence, identity, focus. Once you live the change, others will be forced to deal with the new you and the sky is the limit.


I know this is true, still struggling with this big time. Thanks for support!


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I don't have the experience or knowledge that the vets have. But I am here for you. I think you are doing great. The grieving process isn't linear, and having him there must be difficult. But remember he is there, and that means that there is opportunity.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
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I don't have the experience or knowledge that the vets have. But I am here for you. I think you are doing great.

Thanks, I really do appreciate it.

Quote:
But remember he is there, and that means that there is opportunity.


Having him here is extremely difficult, but you are right I have more of an opportunity than many others here.

My IC keeps telling me to quit living in fear, but that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm afraid to give up, afraid to have hope. I read thru this thread the other day, I do see where he has backed off, or so it seems. We were doing more one on one time before Thanksgiving. Going to do some mind-reading I do feel there are a few possibilities as to why. 1) maybe things had cooled off with OW at the time and now have picked back up 2)maybe he felt like he was giving me false hope 3)it could be that he is in more pain than before with his back or 4)with the holidays we had less opportunities.

I'm am really torn emotionally, he has not shown me in anyway that he is interested in reconnecting, still seems to be having some sort of R with an OW but yet has not moved forward with D at all, hasn't mentioned telling the kids, made any plans to move out or filed. I am just afraid the longer this goes on if he moves forward the harder it will be on me emotionally.

I know I said that I was going to try to trust that he is not openly contacting OW, not so easy. I say the serenity prayer a lot! Maybe I'll try to recite that when I think he may be texting her.

On a positive note, I have finally started the past few days focusing on being more healthy, drinking more water, eating better and although I haven't run in a couple of weeks I started walking my dog in the morning. Focus on the positives.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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lost18 Offline OP
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Have that pit in my stomach again today. The only reason I can think of is because H has another appointment with an orthopedic surgeon today. I guess I'm worried and have been thinking all along that once his back is fixed he will move forward with D.

Kids went back to school today and it is a gloomy day so might just have a lazy day today. Before I do that I guess I will mop the floors. One of H's big complaints is my lack of taking care of the house both in day to day upkeep and making it a home by decorating and such. I have done some big 180's in these areas. I know he's noticed, not sure if it matters to him anymore BUT I feel better about that area of my life...although I still hate cleaning!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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no more talk of D since
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See, I feel like cleaning should be a 50/50 effort. BF slacked on this in our house and when it became clear I was the only responsible one for the upkeep and maintenance of a house we both contributed to, I started to seriously slack, too. In fact, I began paying a friend of mine to come clean, if it was done at all.

I'm sure BF was not impressed with me, but since I've moved into my own apartment I find it's 100% easier to clean up after only myself and not have to clean up behind him, too.

Partnering is hard, but it's a two-fer effort.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
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lost18 Offline OP
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H was always really good about doing stuff around the house. Looking back he didn't clean the toilets or showers but he always cleaned the kitchen, did laundry and would mop along with outside stuff, handyman stuff etc.

He became resentful because he felt I didn't appreciate or respect what we have. 2 years ago Feb he came home from overseas and spent his 2 weeks home putting in hardwood floors in our two front rooms. I had ripped up the carpeting and boxed everything up. A year later when he came home again those boxes were still sitting in one of those rooms.

Even when we did fun things, like go out on the boat or go camping, he did most of the work to get ready, and I let him. Eventually when we stopped doing those things (partly because he was working overseas) he told me they weren't fun for him anymore.

I do get why he is/was resentful of me, he tried to tell me but I didn't hear him because of his approach maybe, maybe because I wasn't getting my needs met and those things weren't that important to me. I kept telling myself it wasn't a big deal, not deal breakers. To him I didn't care about, appreciate or respect HIM.

Funny thing is I get a little resentful of him NOW when he's sitting on the couch watching tv and I'm mopping around him, or whatever it is. I of course don't say a word. It seems he always turns around and does something to help.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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lost18 Offline OP
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On another note, I'm not giving up but not feeling very hopeful. For someone who was once so sexual he just is not interested in me that way at all. Very discouraging. He is just so stubborn that I don't think he is even open to the possibility that things could change and we could work this out. Just don't get what he's getting out of a long distance R when the real thing is right here. I know I'm being very impatient, I guess I thought that once he came home he would either move forward with D or move toward working things out, instead we are in the constant state of limbo...

So while I was feeling sorry for myself this afternoon I came out of my room and saw his dam phone in his hand...right away jumped to conclusions (didn't say anything) and got even more upset. A little bit later I asked if he had heard from D16 (she wasn't home from school yet and hadn't responded to my text) and he said I was just texting her a little bit ago. That will teach me...plus I think negativity breeds negativity...of course I do assume he was in contact with OP when I left to take D13 to practice....sigh, this is a vicious cycle.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
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Lost - I just finished a book. It is the Solo Partner by Phil Deluca. It was recommended by someone in one of the threads. It has a great section on Pursuers & Distancers.

And I quote, "Pursuers prefer to deal with problems rather than avoid them, and they tend to be open to new ideas rather than resistant to them. They are ready for change and willing to put the necessary effort into it, in contrast to a distance's willingness to wait, seemingly forever. In addition, the pursuers are the obvious losers in the pursuit-distance dance and are more tired, frustrated and unhappy than the distance (or at least, more aware of being unhappy).... Despite an apparent disregard for the relationship, the distance has more to lose than the pursuer if things change in their relationship. The distance will have to give up more if the pursuer's life no longer revolves around him, and he will learn to give as well as take.

For these reasons, the pursuer is more motivated to initiate change. A distance will rarely initiate change and never changes in response to direct efforts by others. He will change only when he fears losing his pursuer, and this can happen only when the pursuer stops her pursuit. Distances tend to change in direct proportion to how much their pursuers modify their pursuit... Pursuers complain that this isn't fair or reasonable, and I agree. But in my experience, this is nonetheless the way it is and must be dealt with, regardless of whether or not it is right or reasonable."

A lot of people in here (Definitely including me) need to continue to work on us for us. Then with hope the pursuer becomes the distancer and the distancer becomes the pursuer.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Meant to post this yesterday, it really is so appropriate for everybody, maybe even more so for those of us who find ourselves here! Hope the link works!


30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself. #10 Is An Absolute Must.

Last edited by lost18; 01/07/15 04:54 AM.

Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
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lost18 Offline OP
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Trying to find ways to connect with H without pursuing. Maybe I shouldn't be doing that right now? But, we do live together and interact quite normally, even if more like friends. I thought I knew what his main LLs are but not really sure. I used to get upset because he "held back" affection (apart from sex) but maybe he was just holding it back from me. He's affectionate with the girls and his mom.

We've had a lot of idle time the past few days, kids are back at school, I haven't been working and he obviously isn't working. I guess maybe I'm a little lost on what I should be doing in regard to interacting with him.

Met my friend to run again last night, glad to get back to that. Money is definitely an issue for me but I am going to try to find a couple of projects that I can work on.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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I've had a decent couple of days. I would like to say H doesn't seem to be texting OP but I will say this instead: H seems to be respecting my boundary of not communicating with OP while I'm home. That does make it easier for me to keep my PMA.

We also watched a movie together last night, as in not me just sitting down on the couch when he was watching TV. He downloaded a movie, told me he did it, I said cool and later he said I'm ready to watch that movie and waited for me to finish up what I was doing. Nothing earth shattering but definitely better than what could've happened.

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts from another save the marriage site and it is helping me to stay positive (somewhat). I always have that fear that no matter what I do H is too stubborn to try again, that my marriage can't be saved...but I try to stop thinking like that and keep moving forward.

I've started working on some small projects again which are fun but I do find sometimes I spend too much time on the computer looking for ideas and such. I'm thinking about trying to set up a little shop at the local flea market. The projects are fun and I can maybe make some extra money!

H got his old Jeep yesterday, and although he is limited as to what he can do because of his back I can see already a change in his attitude. He has a hard time doing nothing for too long.

We were both going in and out of the garage today and he came back in and in his not very nice tone asked me what I was doing out there. I told him not to talk to me like that and he changed his tone and asked nicer what I was doing because it smelled like something was burning. I am not going to allow him to talk to me like that anymore.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Nov 2014
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Originally Posted By: lost18
I am not going to allow him to talk to me like that anymore.


I love your post. But I like this the best. Strong, confidence. I like it.

How are conversations and interactions around the house? Are you following the Sandi Rules?


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Overall conversations and interactions are good. Still lots of room for improvement of course.

He is really excited about the jeep, we determined it is a 1942 WWII jeep! I feel like it is something we are connecting on and we have been lacking that connection for sure. I've been doing some research online and helping him when he asks. I'm asking him questions and he's showing me things, overall very positive.

I'm trying to stay real about our situation and not get over excited about anything.

I do pretty good with most of Sandi's rules, there are a few however that I need work on. I tend to "follow him around the house," especially when I think he may be texting OW. I start conversations with him quite frequently, more so the past few days about the jeep. Not sure that is a bad thing tho, showing interest and encouraging him with something he is really excited about.

Trying to GAL but I'm not very good at it, mostly it is just me going shopping or sometimes for a drive just to get out of the house! Tonight I was going to go out, my friends H was playing music at a restaurant/bar. Kind of forced myself to get ready but when I texted her it turned out she was at home with her son. I went out anyway, really just drove around for a while. He was so involved in the jeep he barely noticed I left! I figured he would be sleeping when I got home at 10 since he normally is in bed between 8-9....unfortunately he was still up.

I invited my friend and her H over for football tomorrow, was going to invite more people but really just wanting to keep it simple. H isn't to excited about it a)he's only met them once and isn't very social anyway b)he probably doesn't even want to watch football because he just wants to work on the jeep.

I'm continuing to listen to my podcasts as well, very helpful since I was thinking the other day how I want to feel wanted and loved. One of the podcasts was about not giving up and giving it time. The podcasts definitely are on the same track as DB!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Still trucking along, H and I continue to get along well and it still seems he is keeping with the agreement of NC with OW while I'm home. His jeep project has been great for him and I feel like it's giving me great opportunities to connect, support, encourage and be excited with him.

When my friend was over (her H ended up not coming) she stated that if she didn't know the situation she would have no idea based on our interactions. He did start getting up and walking into the garage quite frequently (one of my triggers but she thought it was strange too), at one point we went out there a minute or so later (on the pretense to show her the jeep) and he was just looking at the jeep.

I have found some opportunities to give him some words of affirmation ( I think that may be one of his LL). My IC wants me to find more opportunities to do so. She also wants me to try more physical touch, I haven't because he doesn't seem open to it (ie. I'm afraid of rejection)and I don't want to pursue. One of the issues in our M is that he did not feel like "I wanted him" or "was attracted to him." I have to keep telling myself to have patience and appreciate the gift of time. In the instant gratification world many of us have grown accustomed to that is not always easy.

It is very difficult to detach when we have so much time together and seem to be getting along well. I did tell my IC that I need to work on not attaching my mood to him and how we're getting along. She just reiterated that I can only control me and to focus on that.

I have been listening to some great podcasts when I'm driving. I wish I could remember everything. I do remember the 3 C's to saving your marriage: Connect (with your spouse) Change (yourself) and Create (a new path). A lot of it is similar to the DB principles...a big one GIVE IT TIME!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
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lost18 Offline OP
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I had a little setback today (it was mine alone, H does not know). Got the feeling he was texting OW again, he explained some of what he was doing (re: the jeep without me asking) but I still felt like he was hiding his phone in his pocket again. At any rate, it didn't affect me physically like it has been and I tried that whole "trust him even if he doesn't deserve it" which did seem to help some.

Need to stop asking why....I'm so ready to be out of limbo! sigh


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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Yesterday's post was great, sounds like there is a lot of thinking going on.

Todays was a little debbie downer. But it sure sounds like overall you are moving in a positive direction.

I never asked you this before and I don't remember reading it. Are you sure there is a OW?

Regardless you are doing great things.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Hi Mahhhty,

yes, still a work in a progress, still laying foundation! As far as OW I'm not sure what the status of that is now. When he was home in Feb I had my suspicions, keeping his phone with him, caught him texting at 230am and when I dropped him at the airport he went somewhere but did not fly out of country until 2 days later based on his airline skymile account. His story didn't add up.

When we were on vacay in July I did some snooping and did find several texts, emails and pictures going back as far as March with one woman from the UK. He happened to spend 3 days in the UK prior to coming back to the states, I found that by snooping as well. He denied anything physical which I don't believe.

I have no idea what the current status is, lots of possibilities. At this point I'm sure there is nothing physical going on since he is home most days and all nights. But I know he's not interested in me sexually and he has always been very sexual which has been a huge issue in our M because I wasn't.

Honestly, I'm torn on what I should be doing. I'm trying to connect positively with him and I guess I'm trying to believe that is possible without pursuing. Maybe I need to rethink that?? But we are connecting, yesterday I was in the garage with him "working" on the jeep and asking questions and getting along well. Later in the kitchen re:D13 being a hypochondriac we were joking and laughing. Then he goes in "his" room and goes to bed and leaves me longing for a physical connection. Sigh.

This jeep project really has made me realize that we both have been just existing for a long time. He is really excited about this jeep, I haven't seen him this excited about something in a long time, if ever. I'm trying to let go of past regrets and resentments, not easy to do. I see so much potential for us and I'm just not sure he wants to see it. But, this is what I was talking about yesterday and stop asking why. I'm too hung up on the why he's doing (or not doing) what he's doing. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I am coming up on the one year mark and although I've made lots of progress I think I should be further along.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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Things have improved. You said so. Then you are definitely on the right path. Don't doubt that. Keep moving forward.

I've seen you write about the sexual discrepancy. Perhaps make that a 180. Look for ways to get his mind thinking about it. Perhaps clothing choices at night or in the morning that wouldn't normally fit you or your routine. Dresses. Night wear. New perfume. Some different things to get his mind going.

MWD has some writings and videos on the sex deprived marriage/partner.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: mahhhty

I've seen you write about the sexual discrepancy. Perhaps make that a 180. Look for ways to get his mind thinking about it. Perhaps clothing choices at night or in the morning that wouldn't normally fit you or your routine. Dresses. Night wear. New perfume. Some different things to get his mind going.


Thanks for that advice, I was reading something similar on TO's thread although we are at different stages. MY problem is I don't think I could do that at this point without expectations and I'm still living in fear of rejection (I should say more rejection!)

We were home alone tonight so I asked him if he wanted to go to local bar for wings...more of a "you probably don't want to but." We ended up going for a couple of hours and again had a good time.

My goal for this week is something 25 has posted several times. Stop asking the "why is he" and "how can he" questions. This is not an easy task but something I think I need to focus on.

Also, thinking about my last few posts I am focusing on the negatives (no physical touch, whether he's texting OW) instead of the positives. With regard to his phone, he has been a little less guarded of it the past few days. He even left it on the workbench when he brought D13 to a friends today.

Hope everybody has a great weekend!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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Awesome! Date night. Good work!!!

And I think thats great advice "why is he" and "how can he"


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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We watched a movie together tonight, his idea.

Things are so "normal" in so many ways. I mentioned this to my sister and she said to be careful it doesn't get too comfortable or this limbo we're in could go on forever.

I think I need a plan of action but not sure what exactly it should be. For now, I'm going to continue to try to connect with him as we have been but I need a better plan for GAL. And I definitely need to be more consistent with my exercise. As much as I love the idea of changing my attire I'm not really feeling comfortable in my (extra) skin. I did great for a week or so with my healthier eating but one bad night turned to a bad week and now I can't seem to pull it together...sigh!

Thanks for always checking on me mahhhty!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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The fact that you are trying to figure out a GAL plan, means you recognize the issue and you are willing to do what it takes. I know you can do it.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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"The fact the two of you have gotten along better does not mean she is having second thoughts. A woman will continue to have an A and attend family events, that is common to see. As long as you act fine with being her friend, then things continue as such. "

Sandi posted this on another thread. I sometimes wonder if this is what is going on in my sitch. I know I'm supposed to be doing what works but I don't know if I know what works.

He's been (not sure if asking is the right word) so maybe including me in watching movies 3 times in the past week or so. The past 2 days he has sent me unnecessary texts, yesterday to tell me the game was on (I wasn't home yet) and today a picture of dinner letting me know that D16 cooked and they were eating before D13 and I got home from her practice. Those seem like positives. I mentioned being less careful with his phone, last night he went to bed and left it on the counter all night (it is password protected but he keeps it with him usually).

I found a post that somebody posted about the distancer/pursuer that Mahhhty mentioned earlier. I guess I'm just a little (ok a lot) confused about what I should be doing at this point.

I always feel so rushed when I'm posting. Usually the only private time I get to do so is late at night when I'm ready for bed. It's about time for a new thread. Maybe time to summarize my sitch...it's coming up on the 1 year mark!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Was planning on having a lazy pajama day watching tv but H asked if I wanted to go to lunch. It's been a while since he's asked so I went. I did a lot of listening, mostly to stories about his buddies and work in the middle east. There were times when I wanted to insert my thoughts about some things I was thinking while he was there but I kept my mouth shut.

Another good "date." Later I went running with my friend smile and then cooked dinner and played trivia with the girls! Tomorrow I'm working. I thought I might have been on the downward spiral of WTH am I doing but seem to have stopped that. Will continue to try to be patient and stop asking why!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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