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lost18 Offline OP
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I don't get on here as much as I used to anymore, mostly because H is home so I don't really have the privacy, but also because I am trying to limit time on the computer. I'm glad I popped on today and checked on some threads, particularly Mozza's thread because 25years had posted yet another great response!

I was going a little crazy (ok still am a bit) because I feel like how long can I do this? I see progress yet tend to focus on the negatives. I keep telling myself to be patient, really he has only been home for a month and is dealing with severe pain from his back injuy.

Saturday I had made tentative plans to meet my friend and her family out at a local bar and grill, we were discussing ordering pizza in when she called. I told her I may meet her even just for a drink to text me when she was on her way.

In the meantime he had given the girls some $$ to go shopping and we were discussing the possibility of buying and running a concession trailer and what things we could sell (after we had watched some food shows on tv). promising future talk right! During our conversation he asked if I was going out and I said I was thinking about it and asked if he wanted to come. He didn't want to go as late as my friends were going so said let's go now, which we did. Went to dinner, had a couple of beers, conversation and laughs. My friend owns the place so we talked to her for a bit and overall had a really nice night.

Yesterday we had some nice chilly weather so I decided I was going to cook. He was doing yard work. Typical normal family activities.

So why can't I focus on the positives and stop worrying on the fact that we have very little physical contact at all, to the point where I feel like he avoids it. I'm ok with him sleeping in the other room but I saw today that he has put some of his clothes in the closet in the other room. Still keeps his phone very protected....sigh.

OK done with that...time to get back to focusing on me. Keep going in the direction I'm going but still need to find more GAL activities!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Not much new in my situation. Just trying to back off some...instead of sitting on the couch and watching tv w/him I've been going in my room and reading. Not all of the the time and not being cold in anyway...just giving myself some space. He continues to make comments about "what I should do" referring to the house, so I've tested the waters a bit but did not get a positive response. Part of the reason I decided to back off some.

Earlier in the week we had brought our boat to my friends marina to have some work done. On the way home I asked if he minded stopping at the home improvement store so we did. I was really hungry but decided that I wasn't going to suggest stopping for lunch, but he did. smile

There seem to be many positives right now but know I still have a lot of work to do. Still having a hard time detaching, have been doing a lot of self-talk and thought stopping to try to work thru that.

Tonight he took D13 to practice as I play ball on Friday nights. I asked my friend if she wants to go kayaking this weekend and also have a party to go to on Saturday night. I will extend the invite to him but plan on going at least for a couple of hours. Still working on GAL!

I've definitely been riding my self-made roller coaster lately. We've been getting along well, not just tolerating each other or being friendly. We spend time together and have conversations (no R talks at all!) and laugh and have a good time, at least from my perspective. He doesn't avoid being alone with me, he could easily choose to not be around me, particularly when the kids aren't home but doesn't.

There are times when I wonder WTF am I doing? Is this really what I want? I feel I've changed, still have lots to work on, but my my attitude change has been big...but he hasn't, nor does he think he needs to (mind reading maybe). Of course he has made no indication that he DOESN'T want a D but had made no move toward getting a D. When we separated 10 years ago there was internet/EA and now he's doing the same thing again.

I've made the decision that I want to save my marriage, and for now I'm going to continue down that path, I just wonder how much longer I will be able to do this.

Thanks to everybody here for sharing your stories and the advice you give, not necessarily on my thread but on others. Especially labug, 25, Sandi and Mr.Bond. I always search the threads for your words of wisdom and it always helps knock me back into reality, especially on the timeline!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 46
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A heck of a tale, Lost. Thank you for sharing it. Since my own 'process' started 5 months ago, I wondered if anyone else had similar thoughts to mine. I knew that people did, but it helps to hear them so I'm not completely out of my mind.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck. May we both regain the love we lost..or find some piece of mind at the very least.


Me 44 Wife 38
M 15 T 17
3 Kids (d19, d16, s-5

6/14 - ILYBINILWY
7/14 - she moved out with kids


Joined: Feb 2014
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lost18 Offline OP
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So I went out tonight and I'm glad I did. My friend had a bday party for her husband and a few of my friends were there that I haven't seen in a long time.

I really didn't want to go, I sat around putting it off. Partly because I've become such a homebody and it was after all raining! And partly because I was waiting for D13 to get home so H wouldn't have "free time." Yes, I realize that's pathetic and even while I was doing that was telling myself how ridiculous it was!

I knew I had to go so I finally made myself! I did tell him he was welcome to come if he wanted, I knew he probably wouldn't come(and was right), he doesn't know any of them well and he has admittedly become anti-social.

It was nice to get out and not really think about my marriage, although I was asked a few times how H was and how it was having him home, I just smiled and said really nice. Which is actually true.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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So I had an interaction with H today that I feel I could've handled better and was aware of it while it was happening but didn't really know how to handle it.

I had built some shelves for D13's room and H helped me hang one today. He was going to hang the other one too but I said I still need needed to finish painting it. There were some rough spots on it so he suggested I use the electric sander (which was locked up with most of his tools while he was gone) to sand it. He was in the garage with me and showed me "what I was doing wrong." He then went in the house while I finished sanding. A few minutes later he came out and asked that if I was going to paint to put a sheet over his Harley. I said I wasn't going to paint today but that I would.

Later in the afternoon I was out in the garage again staining a different shelf. He came out and was talking to me and he then realized (because of the way the sun was shining) that there was a layer of wood/paint dust oh the Harley and got upset. Got a cloth and started cleaning the bike while b!tching that he asked me to put a sheet on it and that sh!t was all over it.

I wasn't really sure how to respond, I guess in the past I probably would have gotten defensive and said something about how he said when I painted...which I didn't and would've pointed out that it wasn't that big of a deal (which it wasn't). I didn't really say much and told him I was sorry.

Is it just me or did he make a big thing out of something very little?? Any suggestions on how to handle something like that in the future would be appreciated!

Just thought I'd share that when he was helping me the hang the shelf today I had made a mark on the wall where the screws should go. He came in and measured and told me my mark was off, put the screws in his marks and when he went to hang the shelf had to force it because the screw wasn't in the right place! If he would have used my mark it would have been right on...I laughed to myself but didn't say a word! cool


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Still trucking along in this weird situation I'm in. I know that many on these boards would love the opportunity to have the interactions I have with my H. Funny how we (in general) don't appreciate what we have.

Was feeling very frustrated this week, wondering how long I will be able to continue with things the way they are. I really enjoy having H here. We've been getting along well (minus the few issues I've talked about previously), it's nice having somebody to share responsibilities with, to talk to and laugh with. It's great for the kids to have their dad home. At the same time, although I know I'm being very impatient, I really miss the affection and intimacy. I'm constantly questioning if he will make any changes for himself that are needed for us to have a good marriage.

H has always been a very sexual person, me not so much, this has obviously been a big issue in our M in the past. One of my goals is for H to just touch me, something small like his hand on my back, but he still avoids physical contact. Very negative thinking on my part but I can't imagine that an internet affair (if he is still involved, which is possible but probably not to the extent he was before) can replace the real thing. I'm struggling with this because I know it was a big issue in our M, but can't do anything to let him know I still find him attractive without pursuing him to some extent, which will not work in my favor at this point. He has not said he wants to stay married but also has made no move toward D.

My IC told me I was thinking irrationally, which actually made me happy! There are many things going on with him...he is in pain with his back, transitioning back home, unsure about his future particularly in regards to his job...rationally I do know this...MUST BE PATIENT! TIME IS MY FRIEND!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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A few more notes on what's going on, really not feeling so lost anymore! Confused as hell yes, but not lost!

H has not been doing a whole lot, I am a little worried that he may become a little depressed, that will not be good for our situation, especially with his tendency not to look at himself. I know I can't control him or help him in that regard, just more of an observation I guess.

H's sister texted me about plans for Thanksgiving. We will be spending the day with his family. smile

Last night, he made the comment of maybe finding an old car to fix up instead of just watching shows on tv about it. I showed excitement for him and definitely showed support, I think it would be very cool! He said he'd have to clean out the garage to make room. That to me is future thinking that he has no plans on going anywhere! smile

A couple of hours later I had gone into my room to read and D13 asked H where I was to which he responded "in HER room." frown

This is where believe none of what they say and only half of what the do comes in I guess, he is still all over the map.

Today, after I finished mopping floors (my lack of effort around the house was another big factor in the decay or our M) he said he was in the mood for a gyro and asked if I wanted to go to the mall. We did and we spent some time shopping before we ate, he bought a few things and I was able to give him some genuine compliments. smile

D13 has a tournament this weekend so we will be spending most of the weekend together. H also told me that his sister and husband are coming over Sat. to drink beer and that his brother would probably come over as well. Lots of family time. smile

Hope everybody has a great weekend! Do lots of fun things!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Getting ready for D13's tournament this morning and she must have told H that she wanted a Muscle Milk from the gas station on the way out. H started making a fuss about it and how she is too young and hasn't developed yet therefore shouldn't be drinking those.

M: Why? It's a protein shake.
H: She doesn't need those.
M: She had pancakes for breakfast, she needs some protein. What's the difference between that and power bars?
H: She shouldn't be eating those either, she hasn't even developed yet.

Grrr....just irritates me, the conversation didn't turn into an argument but I probably could've handled it better I just thought he was being ridiculous.I did get her a Muscle Milk.

Then, we get to the field and she decides not to bring some of her equipment which I didn't agree with and told her. To which he stated in his condescending tone (not sure that quite fits but it's the best I can think of now) "She doesn't have to bring it if she doesn't want to." Again...irritated me...I simply told him not to talk to me like that and he actually said sorry.

We used to get in arguments because I would tell him what a control freak he was...and he really kind of is, he however doesn't see that because he does not self-reflect at all.

Other than that we had a good day...


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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So I am growing increasingly tired of limbo..."playing house," pretending, whatever it is. I told H this summer on vacation that communication is important...yet he continues down this path.

With that being said I do see myself reverting back into old patterns as far as interactions with H. Maybe because I feel like I'm not being true to myself in some ways.

Today, after cleaning my room and bathroom I got in the shower, he was gone when I got out. When he came home a couple of hours later I was watching TV and then went in my room and was reading. He came in later and asked if I was feeling sick today? I can't have a lazy day?

I also feel I have been thinking more lately of what he is doing...mostly in regards to contact with other women, not healthy for my PMA.

Tomorrow is a new day, I need to start fresh.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Once again H invited me to go to lunch today. Of course I went...Kind of in a weird spot though. Want to have conversations about something other than the kids but am kind of stuck because some of what I would like to talk about (not R obviously) I feel may be pursuing, talk about the future. I'm probably over thinking and need to relax a little more....


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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