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#2472738 07/26/14 03:15 PM
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lost18 Offline OP
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previous thread- http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...506#Post2468506

Back from vacation. Have never felt so alone or lonely my entire life. Will post what happened at some point. Did well with my goals and DB the first 4-5 days. After that it went downhill. Although it goes against DB I am glad I was able to tell H some of my thoughts. I found out by snooping there is an OW. He spent 3-4 days with her prior to our vacation. He is denying it, but I know. H is completely closed to the idea that we could ever reconcile. I feel like I've been thrown back in time. I am not ready to give up on my marriage and family, H gave up a long time ago.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Apr 2014
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I'm so sorry you're feeling so discouraged.

No one knows what the future will hold. Regardless of your husband's feelings you have the opportunity to make your life what you want of it. You have a beautiful life in front of you, you just have to get through this slog with dignity and a belief that you deserve the best. The best way to get that is to be your best. You can do this. You've already done so much.

How are you different than eight months ago?

Hugs to you.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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lost18 Offline OP
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Thanks Maybell, quite honestly I don't know that I am different. I still know what changes I need to make but struggle with consistently doing what I need. I am always sad coming back from vacation, it is where I (and H) grew up, most of my family is there and it is just easy to be there. This time is 100 times worse, I guess I feel like that was my chance. And I listen to what he says and it makes sense, it's logical, but I'm not logical, I'm emotional.

I am tired of NOT DOING because it is easier or because I'm afraid I won't be successful. I just don't know how to change.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Things are settling down for me after 3 weeks up north on vacay, a week in TX for my son's graduation from boot camp and a tournament with D12 this weekend. It's time to take control of my life. I feel like I was making progress before vacation (maybe because I was holding on to too much hope) but I have have reeled backwards. S19 has started his life, D16 got a license and a car and is becoming very independent, H has moved on and is involved with someone else. I wake up every morning and wish I could just sleep all day so I don't feel the hurt. It's gets easier as the day goes on and I continue to tell myself to stop being a victim and take charge of your life. I really don't know why I can't stop feeling sorry for myself...

I know people go through this all the time.
I know people go through much worse than this.
I know people get over it and come out on the other side.
I know I will be OK.

I do have plans to move forward with my life, I'm not just moping and feeling sorry for myself. Mornings are the worst time for me and I since very few people know my situation I don't have many people to talk to so I come here to let out my feelings. I still haven't shared all that happened when H and I saw each other this summer. I will at some point.

My goal is to move forward with my life, mourn my loss, but I'm not ready to close the door on my marriage yet. I wish I knew how to stop loving him, I can't even be mad at him for what he's doing or done because I understand WHY.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Originally Posted By: lost18

My goal is to move forward with my life, mourn my loss, but I'm not ready to close the door on my marriage yet. I wish I knew how to stop loving him, I can't even be mad at him for what he's doing or done because I understand WHY.


THIS! This is correct.

The day after BD I went to work. I figured I could bury myself in work because no one is better at compartmentalizing then me. I was wrong. It turned out that every single thing I did- EVERYTHING- was in the back of my mind for my W. I just solved a problem at work, 'that's for you honey'. It was like my life was a love song I was singing just for her. And without her wanting my love I didn't know what my function was.

I met with my therapist on day 2 and told him about that. I asked how I could stop doing that. He said I didn't have to. He said it was OK for me to keep on loving her. He said to understand it would hurt to have that not accepted or returned, but it doesn't make you a bad person to love your H.

I wanted to bump this because we all are in your corner. Sounds like you have room to grow as we all do. Please feel the support we are sending to you. Use your lonely and sad time to read, study, and actively engage in these posts. Heck, I'm probably a bit lost and lonely right now so here I am. You know what, it's a pretty special community and I'm pleased to meet you. Hang in!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Lost 18,

This is LONG....

Sorry you are here again. But it IS the best place to be, for a gross situation.

I noticed a few things. All along this thread (I mean going back to Feb, not the one 10 years ago) you have repeatedly said things like

"I know I should do X or Y, BUT"...and then within days, you say it again about some other DB step.

Honey you have to WORK the Program for the Program to WORK.

I hate wondering if this ^^ same old approach of

"can't change b/c I don't know how"...and so I won't bother learning...


is the same approach you took when you came here 10 years ago??

Well, You are NOT POWERLESS.

If you had been a perfect wife in a regular marriage (NOT a long distance one), then it would be a hopeless situation b/c what can a woman who is already perfect, DO to help her m?

NOT MUCH...fortunately you are part of our "flawed humans" group and we all have things to work on.

I think your depression has seeped into your behavior (causing so much of it, esp the "stuck"ness you are exuding). Are you getting treated for it?

LOVE YOURSELF and if need be, change into a person you will love.
I think you must GAL Much Much more and take charge of your life as you say you are ready to do.
GAL is not about being selfish or unhealthy.


I'm talking healthy self respect and the ability to overcome inertia.

That^^ (overcoming inertia) is what I'd suggest as your specific 180 goal #1.

Stop, stopping yourself from MOVING in any direction.


I hope you will watch 2 videos about 20 min each. They are about our way of THINKING and how it can change and why that matters A LOT.

They are from the 2012 TED TALKs videos; one by Amy Cuddy and the other Shawn Achor, about "Faking it til you Become it" and "The Power of Positivity", respectively.

They have great data to back up their video claims (only 20 min) about how we can create a different future for ourselves by acting differently NOW...

Food for thought!

Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 08/12/14 10:14 AM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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lost18 Offline OP
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Thank you both for your replies.

25, I have been giving your post a lot of thought. I really appreciate you telling it like it is, I often read your responses to others as well and they are always spot on.

I am overwhelmed with all of the changes coming at me. Other than D, I need to get back in the workforce after 5 years in an area that doesn't have a lot to offer, H is going to be done in the Middle East no later than Nov. His original plan was to return here (get his own place) but looks like that is changing as well. Due to the job market where we are he is now considering Europe or a position in another state. (either way this will be a big change financially) S19 is out and on his own in the military, D16 got a license and a car and is much more independent now. I have been experiencing panic attacks the past week or so which has never happened to me before...scary. Feel like my world is caving in.

With that being said (my little pity party) I know that I have some huge changes to make. I can't and don't want to live like this. At this point, I see no hope for my marriage, but I understand that I need to make some changes (big changes) not only to spark any hope in my marriage but for me to have a life that I want. I need to get out of my comfort zone (words my H said to me 2 days ago) and get a job...that is huge right now.

Quote:
I'm talking healthy self respect and the ability to overcome inertia.

That^^ (overcoming inertia) is what I'd suggest as your specific 180 goal #1.

Stop, stopping yourself from MOVING in any direction.


THIS! HOW? This is where I am....how to overcome inertia?

- I updated my resume
- been contacting a realtor regarding a business I'm interested in buying
- today I texted a friend and we are meeting to walk/run

As far as working the program, I feel like I was more so before my vacation. Still had a ways to go but was getting there. Somebody told me back in Feb to quit playing the victim, nobody is going to save me I have to save myself. I definitely feel this more than ever.

I will post more later, D16 is home now. Also need to get my thoughts together better.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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Lost . . . I haven't been here in a while and I didn't read too far back, so forgive me if I am missing something, but I have to say it seems that you are STUCK.

I get it. I really do. There was a time period where I also felt stuck. Here is how you overcome inertia. Do SOMETHING. Anything. If something is not working, do something different! Literally anything.

You can't work on "getting over" your H or the M. It's just not possible. What you need to work on is being YOU and being HAPPY. (If I tell you "just don't think about elephants," what did you just think about? I bet it was an elephant. So you don't focus on getting over this or pushing away the negative thoughts and feelings - you find positive thoughts and feelings and you focus on those.) That doesn't mean you don't feel the tough stuff. You do. Lean into it. Feel it. Give it a good cry. And then move on.

11 months ago, I was a complete wreck after my H BDd me one random morning. I mean, I was pretty much rock bottom emotionally. I could not imagine how I would ever get over it. How could life ever be good again? How would I ever stop loving my H? I would read what other people wrote and think, pffft, they are cray cray. smile

Today? I am divorced. And I am happy!!! Honestly, I am WAY happier than I was a year ago. You know why? Because I dove right in for those months in between. I truly lived it, instead of pushing it away. I forced myself to accept my reality, to focus on me, and to find joy. It will not just come to you. You have to find it.

For months, the first thing I thought when I woke up in the morning, I mean, before I even opened my eyes, was "oh sh!t. FML." I don't do that anymore. Is there D nonsense still going on with my crazy narcissist XH? Yesssss. Daily. But I have gotten to a place where it doesn't take over my life anymore. I've got better things to do and think about, and so do you. If you don't, FIND SOME!!

One of the things I forced myself to do, even though I cursed about it at the beginning, was every morning (right after I grumbled FML to myself), I made a list of 5 things I was grateful for. Some days it was hard - I could think only of things like, "I'm not dead." But you know what? I have gotten so good at the practice of gratitude that now I can think of 20 things off the top of my head in any given moment, and truly be grateful for them. And even better, I have truly learned that the little things in life are what bring me joy. My life is far from perfect. I'm still dealing with the details of the D orders, I have to sell my house, my Mom has cancer. And then, of course, there are the little difficulties of everyday life. But I have figured out that I can still be happy, in spite of those difficulties. Because you don't have to let the tough stuff define you or control your life, lost!

Listen to the wise people who post on this board. They know of what they speak! smile I did NOT believe any of this stuff they told me, but I did it anyway, and they were RIGHT!

What's the worst thing that can happen?


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
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lost18 Offline OP
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Thanks Melissa, I was wondering where you went.

I am still here, just not posting much. I agree that I am stuck. I have some better days and not as many bad days but everyday I miss my H terribly.

I have made some small moves forward to take care of myself. Not nearly enough (my IC says I'm too hard on myself).

Got back to the Doctor, refilled my prescription for my hormones & got an anti-depressant as well as something for anxiety. Honestly, that was difficult for me because I don't want to pump all this crap into my body, BUT know I had to do something to feel better.

Finally chose a color to paint the inside of my house and have been working on that. Also have built some photo ledges...new for me.

Started walking(building to running) with my friend. We committed to meeting two days a week that works with both of our schedules.

Found a photography course I'm going to sign up for. Tried to talk myself out of it because it's during the work week and it's 2 days I won't be able to sub and "what if I get a job or an interview." But am just going to do it for me!

Made an appt with my accountant to review the financials of the coffee/gift shop I am interested in buying.

I started subbing again until I can find a permanent full time job!

And of course Fantasy Football has started again!

Also, took suggestions from 25 and Mellisa: I did watch some TED talks, need to watch them again I think! And I started a "gratitude journal," this is a work in progress as I haven't been consistent with it but am trying to be.

Like I said, still a long way to go. Am not detached at all but trying to take steps to move forward.

One thing I am not doing well with is communicating with my H. I told IC about a conversation I had with H and she said he is looking to me for support and that I am missing opportunities with him. I thought she was dead wrong but my sister agreed! So, I guess I have been so careful about what I say to him, not wanting to "pursue" I'm missing out on supporting and validating him! I have had some opportunity to do that but missed others!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Mar 2007
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Originally Posted By: lost18

My goal is to move forward with my life, mourn my loss, but I'm not ready to close the door on my marriage yet. I wish I knew how to stop loving him, I can't even be mad at him for what he's doing or done because I understand WHY.


Just wanted to say this resonates with me. Thanks for putting it into words.

In regard to meds, I'm on an anti-depressant for hormonal issues and I feel like they keep me so stable. I still feel but it's not out of control. It's a chemical-science thing, not a weakness/will-power thing. No shame.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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