I know its wrong to ask... what does this trip mean? Is it business or personal? ...that is pressure and controlling. He would feel pressured by this questioning & fluff it off and say "I just thought it would be nice to get away, have fun"
But, how will I know HIS truth... when he's being just too casual??
Is his "casual" his truth? THATS IT? (he has mentioned many times about wanting to "see" where it goes... no commitment).... GRRRR
Well, yeah -- of course. MM you have a full 20 YEARS of data here from which to draw. If you want to know what he wants, just look at what you two had before. That's your "at best" scenario of what it is that he wants -- that he wants to get back to that again.
"At worst" it's what Ken and a couple of others have posted -- xBF really is trying to dump you, but let you down easy, out of some combination of basic human compassion and his looking out for his own business interests.
Only you can decide if you can live with that "at best" scenario, but I think it's clear after 20 years -- and after the past two years of you TRYING to pin him down for more -- that this man is incapable of that.
BIG "IF" he was letting me down easy... why ask me to go?... He could go himself... or do what we do with 99.8% of the rest of our out of town purchases... we SHIP and transport!!!
The "at best" scenario... is what he "says" he wants... last time we spoke he said, just not ready .."YET". I believe he does want to "work" on relationship skills... when HE IS READY. Not necessarily with me, but maybe.
AND... I do not want to "pin" him down any longer... I want it to be what HE wants...if thats what HE wants..... I need to know.
So.... is this crumbs?
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/30/1402:57 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"my typical old behaviour is creeping in... I am scared to let Xbf know that I am:
1) leaving early.... because "HE" will feel that "HE" works more than me 2) going to a concert .... because "HE" will feel that "I" have more fun than him."
how about you try something different and just tell him. stop making the excuses about him, the issue is you're simply scared for no good reason.
Obviously you bought the tickets before this morning. You should have told him as soon as you knew. The longer you procrastinate the harder it'll be to tell him. man-up and tell him as soon as you know. stop holding onto information when you know its the wrong thing to do.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Ok ken....I told him. I was partially delaying because I didn't know how early I would need to leave and how much of it is his business to know.
Starsky... It still seems to me like a cookie/carrot with a string attached. I know he is wanting "nice times" with me. ..... But, I need commitment that he is invested in us. How can I say/show that without chasing him away or pressuring him.
How do I say "no thanks" without him receiving it as cold and grumpy, like he accused me before?
Is it a cop out to just say that it probably doesn't make sense financially? Hoping that he gets it?
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/30/1408:10 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, You continue to ask the same questions over and over again. I realize you are trying to do things perfectly and w/o errors, but there comes a time when you have to just say no thanks and leave it at that.
I want to suggest to you that you go back and re-read the last 8 threads because the answers to the questions that you have posed are in those postings. Take some time, print off your threads and hi-light your questions and then the answers. You will then have a reference guide to answer these questions w/o everyone coming back and reposting what they've already told you.
As for letting him know when you have commitments after work and need to leave early, the sooner you advise him the better. All you have to do is advise him that on such and such day, you will need to leave 1 hour or even 30 minutes early. You don't need to get into detail and tell him all of your business.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
MM, I'm with gabby here! This is what we have been trying so hard to tell you all along! You are so worried about how he will take what you say or do. STOP! He knows that you want a commitment or nothing. IF he EVER decides that he is wanting to give you this, he knows it's what you want. Again, he will NEVER change the way he see's you or feels about you until YOU change the way you are behaving. If you can't stop obsessing about him for you, do it because if you ever want him to see you as anything but someone he doesn't want in his life (at least romantically) you must detach. Give him a reason to look at you differently! Unless and until he starts to think he may just lose you unless he starts to treat you the 'right" way, he NEVER will.
Right now you are available to him and he KNOWS this. Stop worrying if he doesn't like you going out or having fun without him! Make sure he doesn't know just what you are up to. Shake him up a bit. Keep him wondering what you are doing and who you are with. Stop thinking about what he is thinking or feeling. Let him say you're being "cold and grumpy" and don't give a rats butt! That may just make him wonder what you're up to.
If you can't see that you need to change for yourself, than change so you will have ANY chance of him ever seeing you other than how he see's you right now!
MM I really am not being mean when I ask this. I was once you and I know it's exhausting to go thru this day in and day out. Give yourself a mental rest. In all reality until you give a crap no longer, these people are wasting their breath. Two things...1......take Job's advice about printing off your threads AND 2....pick up the book He's just not into you....Really....you will learn from this book that if someone wants to be with you, you can't run far enough away from them and if they don't, they will say things like....well.......I'm just not ready yet.....with NO emphasis on yet either. Stop analyzing.
