Wife is giving mixed signals? I think? HELP!

[CORC320]

Hey Mike,
What signs have you been given? I wonder if they are the same?

[Mike559]

The signs have been somewhat all over the place. My WAW initially told me she wanted to divorce right before Mother's Day. It was about 2 weeks after she had moved out. I panicked when she initally said it, but she then said she said it out of frustration due to some stuff that came out of marriage counseling.

She has told me several times since then, probably 4 or 5 times that she wants to divorce. It is usually the day after a big fight or nasty conversation. However, she tells a mentor of hers that also talks to me from time to time, that she needs space from me and that she is open to going to marital counseling/workshops down the line. She also tells D8 that she wants things to work out between the two of us.

The rule of not believing what you hear seems to apply here. There isn't OM and she is actually being a homebody since moving out. It seems as I push less, she gets warmer with me. There isn't any tension, nor is there any more Divorce talk.

I failed to validate the times that she said the D word to me and all it does is frustrate her. For example, my D8 had a talk about our family reconciling and it was sweet and innocent. I shared it with WAW and she would say AHHH or that's so sweet. However, as soon as I put a spin on it saying, so and so said for me to be patient or that you would come around, she got frustrated and said I don't take her comment on divorce seriously.

I started the LRT a few days after that conversation.

[MrBond]

Every situation is different, so there is no concrete roadmap. My W took about 4 years to get out of her fog.

[CORC320]

Thanks Mike, there are some similarities but you seem to talk to your W much more than I do. I tried 4 times to just sit down and ask what is going on and each time it was the same. So I haven't really spoke with her in over a month I don't even say hi when we exchange the children. Sometimes I think that is why she lingers so that I will say something. Trust me I want to tell her to stay and talk, but I figure I will just get shut down again so I don't see the point.

Holy cow bond you got some stones! I don't think I could do that I was putting a 90 day cap on my situation. I figured if she didn't know after 90 days she didn't care. But dang 4 years! I hope this doesn't take that long. I don't think I have the strength.

[sandi2]

90 days is barely a drop in the bucket. This is more complicated than just you sitting back until she decides what she wants. I suggest you don't place an end time on your MR (i.e. 90 days). If you reach the point you can't go on, you will know it.

I wouldn't get too hung up over these "signs" you've mentioned. It is not uncommon for the WAW to do all the things you said your W has done (including not filing for a D). It doesn't mean anything. The fact she's paying out $300 a month unnecessarily, shows her state of mind.

Sometimes I think that is why she lingers so that I will say something

But then again, what the LBH thinks his WAW may be thinking......seldom is.

[CORC320]

Oh.... okay, I was hoping those were indications there was hope and she wasn't sure about what she wanted. I guess I'll just take it at face value, she said she was done and that's all I should go off of then. I mean I don't know what else to do? If the signs are normal and mean nothing I'm moving on. I love my wife, but if I'm just sitting around to be her 2nd choice backup forget it. Thanks for the help! I appreciate it.

[Zues126]

It's called getting used to living in Limbo. It's a requirement for any chance at growth, and any chance at reconciliation.

Use this painful time to reflect on the role you've played in the breakdown, where those hurtful/neglectful/dismissive attitudes came from, and start growing beyond those outlooks and becoming a stronger and healthier person.

Here's the catch. You have to do it for you. If you're only doing it to get the R back then it isn't real change and A) won't work and B) wouldn't last if you did trick her to coming back.

So ask yourself...if you KNEW there was no chance at getting back together, would you still want to grow, or would you go meet someone else and self medicate to avoid the pain? If you can't learn to listen to the lessons the pain is telling you and change then you don't have to give her 60 days as a token gesture. Just give up and try to replace her and sorry in advance for the pain you'll continue to feel in your heart (that you didn't fix) and the pain you'll suffer when your next R goes the same way.

Bottom line, accepting limbo is a sign your growing and serious. Any time you're feeling impatient recognize that's God's way of telling you you're trying to control and avoid the growth he is trying to give you to make your life better.

[CORC320]

You're right Zeus, I'm just so tired man. She has just moved on like I was a nobody, she has this little party girl life thing going on and the kids and I are a distant memory. I am fixing me and I was trying when the marriage was in a flat spin. I'm in counseling, divorce group and trying to get right with God. I'm just so tired of hurting and wondering if there is any hope at all. Honestly I don't know what else to do?

[MrBond]

Actually, you never did describe what your marital issues were. What caused her to have an A the first time? What thins needed to be changed? What were her complaints about the M?

[CORC320]

She said it was because I went to the gym to much. I wasn't allowed to talk about the affair, well kinda, but she had the opinion that I shouldn't bring it up. So I got resentful and angry. So I really can't answer your questions. I didn't think the marriage was bad. I worked out of town and while I would be gone she had like a pseudo family with this guy. I forgave for a lot of stuff, but I just wasn't strong enough to push through it alone. I swear dudes I asked for counseling nearly every week. I got so desperate I asked her to read a book called after the affair just to see if it helped and she wouldn't. It has always been up to me to change and get help, but she was offended by the mention that she might need to get help. I really don't know what else to do. I mean hell I have had my girls 14 days in a row and before that it was 10 with her having a 2 day period. She had to go out of town because she had plans. I am just super confused.