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LoisB #2472398 07/25/14 02:35 PM
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I told the boys that Mom is going through some tough things within herself right now (was age appropriate then, 3 years ago).

They have told me they appreciated me not trying to hide it from them recently when we were discussing the the divorce and stuff.

YMMV


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

TSquared2 #2472431 07/25/14 03:18 PM
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S is 14 and even though he does not say much about it, I know he notices it when he make his lil comments here and there. I speak to him openly, even discussed with him 4-5 years ago when I was going thru menopause, so I dont often sugarcoat for him when he ask me direct questions. I just try to explain so he would understand, but in this situation this is his dad issue and I dont want to pretend like everything is ok but dont want son to worry, this is an adult problem and I just want son to know it has nothing to do with him!!!

On a lighter note: When this all started and I took a look at myself I noticed I had "let myself go" and was not happy with it myself not up to my own standards ,,,so I first started off making sure I looked my best for H to notice but quickly it changed to making me feel soo much better and good about myself that is it now truly for me and a habit now that I never want
get out of. Stoped to LOL at myself today,,,need to run son to get allergy shot....before I would have thrown on anything and out the door and I would have not liked how I looked but would not have made the effort I had gotten into a "for what" rut and now I know the "for what" is FOR ME. I was putting on lipgloss, checking my hair, making sure clothes were pressed. I LOVE ME

Heck I might have to one day thank H for his MLC, cause I'm loving myself again, getting back to the woman I want to be!!

Last edited by 2BHappy; 07/25/14 03:19 PM. Reason: .

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2472434 07/25/14 03:21 PM
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Quote:
Heck I might have to one day thank H for his MLC, cause I'm loving myself again, getting back to the woman I want to be!!


I found this true for me, and I DID thank W... wink


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

LoisB #2472464 07/25/14 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted By: LoisB
Quote:
100% agree, except I would not actually say the part of telling him he is going through some challenges.


I disagree. I think it's important in this world for our kids to trust their instincts. Their instincts are shouting at them...just like they are to us..."THIS IS CRAZEEEEE!!!"

I think it's crazy-MAKING to deny that validation. You don't have to belabor it or go into deep details but there's nothing worse than being surrounded by crazeee and having the people around you pretend it's all ok.


I didn't suggest denying it.... I just have trouble working out this scenario as it was presented:

Mom has convo with kid:

S14: "Mom I can't talk to his dad and he works too much."
Mom: "Son, yea... he is going through some changes now, and is sick"

S14 (to dad): "mom says your sick, and are going through changes"
Dad: "WHAT???".... 2BHappy... what did you say to S14!?"

I don't see a clear path to address this, I am not suggesting denying anything, but the changes/sick line can become a hornets nest.

*If* it was me, I would have the conversation like this:

S14: "Mom I can't talk to his dad and he works too much."
WF: "Yes, he does work quite a bit. But he loves you very much (actually S14 we both do), and works hard to provide us with everything we have. When you feel you can't talk to him, what do you mean? Do you feel like your ignored? or he isn't listening?
S14: Well when he was on the roof fixing the chimney, I wanted to ask him to take me to the mall, and he snapped at me"
Wf: "oh"

wink

Granted, I am really playing up my role play for effect.... but it would be good to have more context. That way it doesn't feel you seize an opportunity to build a bridge instead of what could be perceived as "selling" H down the river.

Last edited by woundedfool; 07/25/14 04:01 PM.

Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2472477 07/25/14 04:18 PM
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Wounded, it's funny how we perceive things so differently. :-)

Here's my version:

S14: Mom, why is dad acting so weird?
Mom: Why do you ask?
S14: I was trying to talk to him and just ignores me or he is busy working.
Mom: I think your dad has a lot on his mind right now.
S14: Like what?
Mom: I think he is dealing with some stuff. You know he loves you, right?
S14: Yea, but what stuff?
Mom: You need to ask dad that question. I'm sorry you feel like he is too busy or whatever. Can I help? I will try. Right now, your dad may not be able to be there for you in the way you need. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Know that. Sometimes people go through stuff. We love you very much and no one means to hurt your feelings.

The "sick" analogy was something my mom did when I was 8 and much too young really understand depression, infidelity, etc...

But, I think we can still be validating without bombarding our kids with too much information or scaring them.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2472481 07/25/14 04:25 PM
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P.S. As a kid, I received the line, "your dad loves you" over and over when my dad was having what was obviously some sort of nervous breakdown/depression and was having an affair and my world was ROCKED. I was so sick of hearing that line.

Sorta like, "Yes, dad is having an affair and a raving lunatic, but he loves you."

Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Often, they know what's wrong before we do. I remember wondering if my dad was having affairs long before my mom did. It was condescending to have every therapist and family member remind me of how much he loved me when we were about lose everything because of HIS decisions.

I think asking questions leads to more meaningful conversations..."DO YOU know YOUR DAD LOVES YOU?" And, if not, what about his behavior is making you feel like he doesn't? Then, don't use your spouse as a specific example...but, open up the conversation about the difference between feeling love for someone and behavior.

In my case, I used my experience as a kid. "Guys, when my dad went through a hard time, he was very distant and seemed not to care if I lived or died. He did though...he just couldn't express it then. You know how hard it is to be there for someone else when you feel sick or sad or really angry, right? When you are telling me you "hate me" or whatever...you don't really mean it...you are just having a bad time. That's what going on with dad right now, in my opinion. The love doesn't change, but he may have a hard time showing it right now."

Last edited by LoisB; 07/25/14 04:27 PM.

"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2472484 07/25/14 04:42 PM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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I will ask son more detailed questions if/when he brings this up again.

I do tell him , dad works alot to provide for us. And honestly my H is NOT a talker anyway,,,in good or bad times he just is not a "talker"

I dont know if son felt ignored or if he just wants to sit and chat with his dad. I know they watch movies and talk about sports, and H does have talks with son about sex, school, girls, drugs etc.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2472544 07/25/14 06:44 PM
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Today while H was getting ready for work, I told him and son that I wanted to go see The Rock in whatever movie he was in this weekend! H said "Your Rock is right here" referring to himself,,since he opened the door, I smiled and told him Yes I agree you are my sexy rock, then when he left for work in his cowboy boots I told him he was looking sexy and gave him a kiss on lips. H was blushing,,,,

Maybe just inching a lil closer back to R.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2472583 07/25/14 08:05 PM
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Does H have any hobbies or things he likes to do?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2472615 07/25/14 10:01 PM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Watching football & movies, working out with weights, car shows & cars, playing cards, use to like jazz concerts, use to like having people over to hang out.

But now all he really does is WORK.

Why did you ask that?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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