mlc rut

[pbetra]

I knew going into our R that my W had major family issues re: her father. ... All it took was him coming back in her life at a "bad" time when she was already going through a transition, and that was it. The little 10 year old girl inside her who so wanted (wants) her daddy's love came out to play.

What a lethal combination! A nasty past & midlife! Although you "knew" that there were some issues initially - there is NO way you could have known or been prepared for 'THIS' ... This outcome or her father's timing, being perfect for HIM of course!

The problem now is there is nothing I can do. There is no way for me to help pull her back to reality. Her father has now destroyed not only his family but my and his D's family as well. What makes someone so very evil as to even WANT to do that? How does a grown man act the way he does and have zero remorse?

Her father is cold & selfish. Since these 'attributes' are not the ones needed by parents, he has effectvely destroyed so much of her life. If she is lucky, she may get past one day, bu tdon't hold your breath. You are right - there is not much you can do. You can only GAL & that too will increase the probability that your D has a CHANCE at life.

I have always tried my best to be the best father I can be to my girls. ... I KNOW that they will never be hurt by the things I do now. If only their mother were strong enough to break free of the awful past her father gave her.

I believe that it was Kim Basinger who said the following during an interview - "It takes the truth a little longer to get to the finish line, BUT it gets there." Your daughters will 'see' this one day. And should you be fatigued, tell them with sincerity.

Take care, p.

[pbetra]

Just journalling re some thoughts, How To Act

I mentioned a 'window' to H's old self not too long ago. It was odd to know how to act.

There are so many things to take into consideration:
- don't believe anything they say
- their acting is 'academy award' & yet
- with sadness, you don't want to be cruel, esp if trying (VERY hard to decipher)

I was pleasant enough, but maybe 'not reciprocal' enough. It was too much after all this time (of understanding, patience & my own academy award actions, specifically PMA, even when I wanted to cry) ... all this in addition to recently blossoming, anger moments. It was NOt easy to reciprocate & did not come naturally to me. I think I did enough to not scare them. Anyway, the week went by with the individual aka H, who I hadn't seen pre MLc. And then ...

- the prospect grew less promising (social skills issues).
- immediately following that call, I felt the cool breeze - h was not hostile, but quieter & with that, distance returned. It was as if the call reinforced the fear(s?)

Having experienced this - I realize that there must be so much more shame attached to this for him. Shame I take for granted b/cuz I don't think that there is anything to be ashamed of, esp. when things are out of your control!

He communicated with me (called to update!! ) when things appeared to be working out. Today, he was gone for hours - no word, less warmth. I expect the clubbing thing to be on tonight.

Re GAL
Today, I bought some new lipstick & n/polish for my toenails . My new friend (also experiencing M woes) & I are to enjoy a girls day out! She planned everything & has witnessed first hand how things fall apart around me as I am unable to keep up with all. So when's he's gone tonight (& if not, it's the $), I will pamper myself, sort my paper stuff to organize my life (with music in b/grd) & read DB for even more information. After all, I won't have the time in future when I GAL!! LOL
p.

[pbetra]

Well, I went on my 'GAL day out' with my new (& only friend in this new place) re: 'girls day out' - nails/facial movie, eating, FUN etc. Before leaving H asked what I would be doing. Said I wasn't sure as "friend had planned day" (which was true). It surpprised me b/cuz his msg to me was always loud/clear re: privacy, space. I can't even think of asking what he's doing/ or where he's going as it is not appreciated. When I got home after a LONG day, he filled me in re: his day & so did I (since it didn't matter to me AFTERWARD). The chit chat was light & pleasant enough whenever our paths crossed within the house.

The next morning was incredible! Rage, rage & then some MORE rage. The day began 'ok' with the usual polite but meaningless, superficial exchanges. But after an hour or so - that was it. Moodiness crept up - no arguements, just death-like cold. I could see & feel the seething rage as he came to tell me he's "stepping out for awhile". Complained about "boredom" - something to the effect of having nothing to do!! And whose fault is that?! Whenever we were bored before MLC - we would enthusiastically plan something together - & out we went!!! Now we are 'alone, together'. It's not my place to entertain H if he's sulky & throwing some sort of tantrum or 'whatever'! It was as if he was complaining to me ???

Later that afternoon, when he finally returned, I knew he was still clearly angry. He went straight to the guest room & was obviously ignoring me (for the last month & 1/2 or so - he would often pop in to where I am just to say hi whenever he got back. It wasn't very much but at least I knew). By then, I myself was getting angry but did not show it. I couldn't believe that the one day I go out, it might be a problem (??) I have not been anywhere w/him alone (like we used to) since the MLC (March 2014) - except for two nights. One was a fluke (not too long ago). And the other was anniversary just before that - which I knew was 'smartness' - in that he had no choice but to keep up the farce. Thought me stupid, unable to see through what was really going on & continued with cake eating. but I graciously accepted & of course it was just weird - no real connection, FLAT.

Anyway, 'getting back' ... I stayed away - ie made myself busy in MY room (previously our room!) & when I did come out (quietly) it was to arrange dinner etc (esp. 4 child). I heard him coming up to my room after a while & quietly disappeared to washroom. I really didn't want to see him. He went away as quietly as he approached the room. Anyway, I kept a low profile all afternoon and later on he snuck up on me obviously curious. I didn't hear him coming ... He was pleasant & wanted to know if I had gone out (I guess 'again') - hadn't "heard me around"

Unlike a few months ago, H also drops by my room on mornings to say hi (BRIEFLY) when he wakes up. About a week and a half, this changed a little to 15 - 20 min 'sit down & join me conversations' (!!) before going back to guest room. However, there was NOTHING the next day - the new '15/20 min sit down and talk' or the old 'brief hi' moments. Instead, I heard incredibly foul language from behind guest rm. door. I have to admit, it affected me. The langusge ... other than that, I wondered what I could do to get distracted.

I had so many flowers to attend to, & decided to clear my mind/'be happy', so I gardened (although I was not overly energetic). Anyway, I spent the time outside while he cussed inside LOL Hours later, I snuck inside - left additional stuff for sandwiches & remaining food where it could be reached. Hours after that, h 'surfaced' to see what I "was up to" and remained pleasant for the remainder of that day.

The following day - I received a hi while having my coffee. It was a sulky & angry "hi" - what a contradiction. He was intentionally showing me that he was upset. I decided I'm not feeding that crap w/attn. I guessed it was the sex since I have been a little distant & busy trying to GAL - just LIKE HIM!!! (sex is like 'clockwork' with h). Honestly, I have been a little 'put off' since I too am also going through the motions. I've tried to be compassionate, understanding, reminding myself that i have an 'adolescent' for a spouse etc, but it's hard to get into the mood sometimes. What surprised him is that the intimidation did not work. I looked at him since he came to chit chat. But when I saw the crap, I looked away waiting for him ...

At this point I was wondering, are you going to stand there angry expecting me to kiss your butt while you sulk? If you don't want to talk - don't. Go away & come back when you do! I had NO intention of asking "are you alright?" or "what's wrong honey?" He left & I continued enjoying my coffee as I mapped out my day (& how the hell I'm going to get through all this stuff by myself !!). After a few hours, he returned - calmer or at least pretending to be.

Up to an hour ago - I heard nasty language again directed at me. It affected me - I cried. Had to get it OUT before getting back to some work.

It really is a ride! Not just a roller coaster but the merry go round too (!!), making you dizzy while you're ON the blinking roller coaster. I know time will heal - I can hardly wait.

[juliegayle]

Hey Pbetra

Throw in a tilt-a-whirl and then you have a pretty accurate description of living with a mlcer. The only way to avoid the nausea and dizziness is to get off the ride. Step off. Rip up your tickets. Let him ride alone.

Please do not let his behavior stop you from going out and having fun more often. My h is the same. He goes and has his life but doesn't want me to have mine.

[pbetra]

Hey Pbetra

Throw in a tilt-a-whirl and then you have a pretty accurate description of living with a mlcer. The only way to avoid the nausea and dizziness is to get off the ride. Step off. Rip up your tickets. Let him ride alone.

Please do not let his behavior stop you from going out and having fun more often. My h is the same. He goes and has his life but doesn't want me to have mine.

Thx juliegayle,

How are you? Funny, I was thinking of going out SOON. I need to get away. The coldness, ignoring, disrespect ...I had come to cope with on some level. The language tends to hurt me at the core. It's demeaning, some of the expressions degrading. I realized why though - my father did the same. He was also dominant. It's funny, they, H & 'dad' are NOT 'obviously' alike, but on some levels they are 'subtlely so'! That aspect is part of my own ongoing journey

I intend to go out - I had a good time! Why stay here anyway? For what? A guarantee of enduring love? Yeah right!
To feel my heart race at an uncomfortable rate, followed by tears due to disguisting profanities during these 'interludes'? Pretty much ...
Like I said, I was thinking about where next? Then, I came to the board & 'voila', there you were!

re: you - He goes and has his life but doesn't want me to have mine.
Strange. I was also reading here that some MLCers also seem to want LBS to suffer because they are so miserable. It's all related I suppose ... "(MLC) misery loves company"

Hope you are also doing well & getting through with your own goals, take care juliegayle. p

[Matt165]

Hi pbetra,
I know how hard it is living with the MLC. So sorry to hear about how he is acting. Wonka, an ex MLCer himself has said that the MLC doesn't want us to have any "fun" or to be at all happy. They figure if they aren't happy we shouldn't be either! How dare we have a life when we have caused them so much misery! My W has taken to entering my home to take what she feels is "hers"! I have told her not to do this ever again but I got a call from my D14 from my home today (she was supposed to be at her mom's) and found out she was there with her Step mother in tow (the OW that her dad put his businesses in to keep away from her mom, the woman who broke up her family and now has started calling "mom"!). She said her mom needed my D's birth certificate but took ALL the papers and the fireproof cabinet! She also took other things and I'm not done checking everywhere yet!

I called my L and he will have to file with the court to stop her. My W says that since her name is still on the deed that it's her house too and she can come and go as she pleases! Wrong! This is no longer HER home. She knows better than this and did this on purpose knowing I would be at work. I really don't get the sense of entitlement that the MLC has. If I were to go into her home she would have a fit (I'm not on the lease but even if I were I wouldn't do something that obviously wrong). Now I'm going to have my L get the safe and it's contents back from her and it will cost her a lot of money to have her L answer. I don't know who she is anymore. The lying has gotten worse, the manipulation of me and my D14 is getting worse and worse every day. She has lost all morals.

Don't expect any different from your H. He knows full well you can hear him behind the doors of "his room" (like a teenager has their room). He wants to hurt you and I for one really hate him for that. You have been brave, even supportive towards him and very understanding, how dare he want to hurt you for that!

Hang in the pbetra, you are seeing first hand that this is a long, long road and you are still just getting started! We are all routing for you!!

[pbetra]

Matt,

Just read your reply. You see I've been spending more time at 'your place'! hehe Ahem, I mean THREAD! It's THREAD everyone!!! Thanks for this - what 'a trip' we're all making!!

re: your reply -
I called my L and he will have to file with the court to stop her. My W says that since her name is still on the deed that it's her house too and she can come and go as she pleases! Wrong! This is no longer HER home. She knows better than this and did this on purpose knowing I would be at work.

I posted on your thread - also re: your 'self care'. I know how I feel when the emotion wells up inside! Detaching is great but it's the history w/MLCer that we're also up against as we continue w/detaching!

I really don't get the sense of entitlement that the MLC has. If I were to go into her home she would have a fit (I'm not on the lease but even if I were I wouldn't do something that obviously wrong). Now I'm going to have my L get the safe and it's contents back from her and it will cost her a lot of money to have her L answer. I don't know who she is anymore. The lying has gotten worse, the manipulation of me and my D14 is getting worse and worse every day. She has lost all morals.

This is the million $$ question - the entitlement! The right to do whatever, have whatever regardless of what happens or who gets hurt! I think you're right, H probably wanted me to hear. He's discreet re: certain calls! VERY quiet & inaudible. It's so tragic the extent to which we are hurt & for what? I don't think I was that awful!! But you know what they say - that "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."

Well I say, ENOUGH LBS CASUALITIES!

I am re-writing ... : I will have good intentions to a point/to an extent, so that the road to hell will be paved for the (deserving) MLCer as... a consequence for 'bad behaviour'

[pbetra]

started Sun Aug 24 /14. thinking aloud / journaling, cont'd Mon 25th...

Feeling a little worn down. Getting more concerned over $$ sitch - I know that that is also affecting me ( $$ may not buy happiness but it buys peace of mind in an economically driven world!) have been thinking, reading a lot, doing so much - must be overload. I don't know up from down right now. Hurt my back .. my hernia (having to lift something heavy) Got stomach flu ... stressed that day attending to ill parent (has senile dementia - declining independence - needs help w/bath, meals, washroom etc). Trying to be supportive w/child & be patient w/mlcer. Guess just tired. Fatigue is never good when trying to 'sort' out thoughts ... fatigue distorts thinking at a time when clarity for overall health & self preservation is critical.

Trying to 'work through' sitch with brain fog, BIG TIME!
I chose to stand for child - have another month or so for my 'check in time' re sitch. That month feels sooooo
f - a- r - a - w - a - y right now!

Have been thinking about timing in all of this too.
MLC timing & LBS timing are NEVER 'in sync.' We're, LBSers are desperately trying for R. after the bomb. We pursue, they distance - we're 'opposite poles' here. In my sitch, the MLCer's momentum slowed after a while - but only a bit. Ironically, this was when I was increasing my GAL momentum! Unfortunately, I realized later on that if I was not careful, my actions could communicate indifference to the sensitive, prideful, 'guilt & shame-inflicted MLCer' that is my h. The MLC/LBS timing issues having started at different points on the MLC richter scale, continues that way (because EVERY 'blinking thing' is so far OFF the richter scale w/MLC!! ). When we DB, i guess we're trying to get the our timing & understanding aligned with each other in someway (?).

Subtle changes:
You see, h started talking to me a little more about a month ago (in between the raging 'episodes' of course!) He also began to 'include' me w/him "for a drive," if only to occasionally pick up fast food (we still haven't gone to the nicer places we used to) but the extended chats and asking for company on these short, fast food jaunts, are more than what had been occuring since the bomb/about 5 months ago. He even pays a lot of the time (before he shared NOTHING - took everything, he was just angry). There are no R talks during the drive, just small talk. Anyway, when we get home, h is back to the guest room, like a little mouse scurrying off to its hole in the baseboard. It's awkward for him - & me too sometimes b/c it's just so strange. Generally, I am just observer. Recently, there are times when he was more like his old self, whereas there was only the cold, reptilian, dismissive, aloof behaviour before. The fluctuations in mood, emotions and raging in flux, was accompanied by pleasantries ONLY to 'appease' as needs are met here. Being 'smart' ... the assumption that I am too foolish to recognize this strategy for what it was/is. However, recently he has been a bit more like old self amid his fierce, internal warring ...

1 of the Triggers/employment:
A small 'reprieve.' A job prospect came up within the last few weeks. It was the first time in long while that h 'informed' (!) me of this, told what happened (!), what it was about etc. Next day, went for related mmtg and called after to tell me about it. Usually, any convo between us is never personal ... or anything about his life. It is often weather, the headlines, something that happened on the street & always brief! Often just a greeting or a one liner in passing - or NOTHING at all! Or plain ole' avoidance. This was an actual discussion, to which I just listened. Anyway, these updates continued as things seemed to be looking up. I remember how pleasant he was & a little more like his old self! With the 1st convo - the very 1st, his eyes had a strange 'stare' which I found interesting when he spoke. There was sadness when he 'stared talked' to me. Hollowness .. I am still curious about what it was. I wondered what he was thinking with that stare and the sadness of his facial expression.

The next day I received a call from h again (!) re: possible job sitch & his concerns. Another convo. Then plans! Again, I saw parts of his old self. Well, it has been downhill recently. With no further news, & the announcement that he feels he "may never been employed again" ... he is outwardly pleasant & privately angry. I am back in the dog house re: h going out. It must be a painful restlessness in which h can't escape. I continued to observe.

This particular trigger led me to think about the past & I do recall that on two other occasions throughout those years, how moody he was re: job sitch - often handling sitch with anger. Didn't think much of it then as the sitch wasn't as extreme as now (MLC) but there are similarities. He just seemed really stressed at work at the time, but in retrospect, he wasn't handling it well.

$$/employment connection to MLC (as you already know).
I am thinking that in h's case, it may be heightened(?). $$ is worth w/his family. They ridicule others re: the subject in casual remarks. "Smart" "succcessful" "fool" are re occuring themes when talking about other people & their many pitfalls. I did not escape the label from h siblings either. I imagine if you come from a family that easily labels people this way, that failure (as measured by employment, job success, $) must impact on colossal scale.

H never wanted to depend on his family/parents. He felt STRONGLY about this! He did not have a good relationship with both parents, although of the 2, the mother was 'stellar'... MIL had issues with ALL of her children & their spouses. She is very controlling & dominant and single handedly destroyed many of her children's relationships.

seive technique
Since h opened up not too long I wondered if/how I should react/act. What was the most effective course of action at this time? I am trying to filter certain things out to separate the remaining grit from the meaningful information (also factoring timing if applicable) ... all in spite of my current brain fog. H is currently very sensitive to my reactions. He is no longer talking about job of course, just small superfical stuff. He continues with distancing himself a little, but remains outwardly pleasant (& privately raging). Again no rationalizing the irrational - I continue to observe.

Timed out, the subject of timing returns to me ...
I was not there for him recently. I don't know if he was reaching out on some level. Who really knows?!! At the time, it did not even occur to me. I was tired (& resentful - the day of hernia pain followed by the back pain. Both of which I 'hid' from him. I fell asleep in the afternoon after a day of chores but could not move when I woke up! With slow movement, coaxing and eventually turning onto my side, I eventually stood (though with bent knees and a curved back as I could not straighten out). I was lucky that after a good night's rest & with very mindful movement that much of the pain was gone the next morning. The point is, I really didn't want to think about seeing the MLC side of things - understanding the selfishness & self centeredness as desperation re: their life 'gone wrong'. All I could think about was how little he helped during that time & getting to the 'vulnerable population' in the house - the child & the elderly - the ones who I know love me. I was so fed up.
Anyway, he withdrew on sensing my own 'distancing'. Made me think of timing ... Timing IS everything!! Will see how it has affected any of the 'fragile progress' that developed within the last 2 months.

green > grass, money
I also heard him mention "grass greener on other side" hehe - to whom I don't know (I have to pass guest room to laundry area). I knew that that would have happened to him - he can be difficult & unflexible and that has cost him some friendships over the years. I understood him or thought I did! I have been generally understanding, empathetic ... yes I do get frustrated but generally, I am known for that. He had to see it for himself when he went off in a fury, with that dismissive, hurtful aloofness b/c I was all wrong & he had endless possibilities re women, well here's real life buddy (esp. w/[b]NO dinero![u/]) ... I know I am taken for granted. Funny ... it does not matter as much as before.

My own issues/struggles.
I have noticed that I feel 'freer' when he's not here. This is part of my own issues - fear. I feel like I am frequently being careful. I don't like 'BIG, noisy, unsettling, obscene' conflict (within the family context). It unsettles me. I remember when we got married and he was generous with me - credit card, anything I felt I needed etc. I never really spent money. He was the bigger spender!!! Didn't demand big house or wanted to have 'this, that or the other ... I wanted our family to have enough of course, to be safe & secure. BUT what I DID TELL him was that I wanted peace of mind. Guess I never really had it(with my own dominant father). for years we had that until the employment sitch(s) began to 'nosedive'. Now I feel that I am using a piece of mind to remedy so much. I still 'comply' & 'settle' to not exasperate sitchs. There is avoidance re: family (the workplace, public sitch not so much - ??!!).

finD the finE linE
I do let things 'pass' but they are not important enough to me, in many cases. When you have NOT had a 'drama'/issue free life, you learn very quickly what matters & what does not. You have to - taking on everything is simply NOT possible. Specific batteles to fight are chosen over many others. I don't make mountains out of a lot. What are the 'big deals' to some are not to me - I think they don't know what real problems are! But I have a real problem - & it is this, below.
I am trying to identify & locate the fine line between my letting things 'pass' (b/c why work myself up over things that are not really that important) & my reactions to be complacent to 'keep the peace' (that indirectly hurt me anyway). An 'auto reaction' re my father TO AVOID all 'hell breaking loose in my world' & ... unfortunately bringing that 'habit' into the M.

gaining complexity (& fatigue!! bad timing)
When I rest & re evaluate MLCer sitch + child (mtg. set up w/ school staff next week ), my own issues are 'rocking the dynamic' as the interplay of the entire family gains complexity - well, 'revealed' complexity (God help me !!!) My only hope now is to improve health (energy, strength) as I really can't get anywhere without it.

[pbetra]

Well I've been doing .. thinking about a lot as I wrote before. Tired - trying my best to think clearly. I can't afford the social life all of the time as funds as dwindling & must be preserved for priorities - child, parent/health but I'm trying to keep GAL up as well b/c it feels SO GOOD! Been reading info. from all over the 'DB map' as you could imagine.

It is so for the 'relatively new' to all this -
we do the homework including reading the books ... & check the forums when we can between the 'crisis moments'.
For me, I looked for 'sitch specific' info. as I felt I was going crazy initially, with the fallout from the mlc bomb. Emotional (!), fearful & NO one to talk with ...

I think I unknowingly pressured myself, trying to finish as much as possble since I have to make decisions soon re boundaries/cake eating & how to approach. Have been a doormat for about 6 months ... Right NOW - just wish he would go.

I know I have issues. I even wondered if I deserved all this, but I can't believe the hatred & contempt. And to be honest, the thought has been reoccuring (if I deserved all this). I can't even 'slip' with this guy ... it could be anything (!!) .. I asked, r you talking to me? And the reply!! My goodness, are we snappy snappy hateful mlcers!!!

I was reading Brightfuture
>> I think ... What did I do so terrible that after two years he is still angry at me.<< (http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2485628&page=6). It's so similar - the anger .. I was thinking the same as BF, WHAT did I do this man that was so horrible?

You see, I heard this on 'route' to laundry - I do lots as I have elderly as well & all must be clean re: 'vulnerable'. I'm into the prevention /cure analogy as I really cannot cope with more 'drama' these days . Colds, infections etc - more stuff to pile on my plate!

I heard how "^%#$$ stupid I was" b/c I did not get some info. fast enough. This is what takes place behind door (if I 'catch it') ... before the emergence of the actor - who shows up 'all pleasant' shortly after. Well, 'duh' if you helped MORE, maybe I could do, remember, follow up >> MORE! I CAN"T DO EVERYTHING!

Then his buddy called about 'plans, & it turns into a victim thing (of course). He's used up his $ so he couldn't go 'wherever'... (I really don't care). He goes on with more of the victim thing - "Wishes he could just get out of here." He goes on - it's a "tough sitch" (he's going on & on - oh! for pete's sake, cry me a river already) but has "NO WHERE TO STAY". I hear the disdain for me in spite of the 'front' he regularly presents ... he hates me, & like BF, I don't know what I did to him that was soo blinking terrible & cruel.

I could have thrown him out - I knew he would be homeless. My mother often said "do the right thing" - that way you won't be at war with your conscience down the road when it catchs up (!!) with you (I shouldn't have taken Mom's advice). I could not do this to him & of much GREATER IMPORTANCE, I could not to my child (after so many events have already 'broken' my child. i want 'rest' for my munchkin - time to heal before yet another life event ... so I tried this).

He shows one side under certain conditions and an entirely different side - I left as the malicious talk about me continued. All this - he does nothing and gets ALL his needs met. I love my child but as I walked away - I just thought this is too much. Somehow detaching isn't an effective tool for me right now (feels overrated). However, dragging his butt out and beating the ^%^$% ... well, I will not go there. I just feel rotten. He's being very 2-faced. Crazy ...

I noted that he was interested in my being a partner re: a venture he has, got his copyrights etc (no $$ upfront from me, wasn't getting it anyway ). Anyway, I found it interesting that he did not ask his relatives or 'new found' buddies. It's odd they know who they can trust or NOT - human nature has such a long, long way to go ...

I'm going to sleep. Am tired - a good nght's rest is what I need.
Have to sleep on it - Que boundaries? or Homeless dad? Maybe I'll flip a coin ...
boundaries? will work better for kid
homeless dad - Oh gosh, BUT this one really works for MOI!! Yeah!

[Matt165]

Hi pbetra,
Sounds like you are having a tuff time, I'm sorry. I know how hard it is when the MLCer is still at home.. My W became very depressed about 7-8 years ago. She became so bad that she acted much like MLCers act, the difference being that she always felt badly and "made up" with me later. In other words, she recognized that she was acting out, blaming the wrong thing for her bad feelings. But there were times when it would be months where she "acted out". She wasn't working as she had been a stay at home mother for many years while the kids were home. At that time the kids were now in school and she could have gone back to work (as we had always planned) but she was too "sick" to do so.

During these times I felt ready to just quit (not always but a person can only take so much). But I knew she wouldn't be able to care for herself. That she didn't have a job or income and I couldn't leave her like that. It went against everything I always stood for, who I was as a person. I have NEVER regretted this, even now that my W has left me when I needed her income more than I ever have in the 21 years we were married (really the only time) and filed for D. She left me with no money (actually a negative balance in checking account), didn't care a bit about what she was doing to her D's or me (still doesn't). Still, I know that I did the right thing by not just leaving her on her own back then.

All I'm saying is be careful that you don't loose yourself and your values in reaction to what your H is doing. There may come a point where the right thing for you to do is just go and leave him to take care of himself. Make sure that you have truly reached that point before you do something that you may regret later. Believe me, I just had a bout with thinking that maybe I should be "playing hardball" with my W (had some people I work with tell me that is what I should be doing and for a moment I started to question myself) so I get where you are at right now. Just be sure that you don't do something you may look back on and wish you hadn't!

Hang in there. I hate to see you hurting so much. I understand how hard GALing is when low on funds...I'm in that spot right now myself, but try and find some things to do to get out and be with other people, away from H's craziness even for just a bit. It will really help.