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GGG, I wish I could write as good as you. When I read your posts I see lots of similarities with my situation and a lot of the same questions I’ve been asking myself. It’s been 2 years from BD for me and I’ve been DBing for at least 18 months since I found this site. I don’t see much change in my sitch. Except that he hasn’t filed for D, still. But he ordered Viagra (that was originally shipped to my house, LOL) and he signed up to a couple of dating sites, one of them last summer and another one just recently. Oh, and he had a vasectomy last year, probably hoping for a younger girl who didn’t want kids. I guess it didn’t quite work, so now he is on the 50+ dating site.

I think that my H will never find anybody like me or even remotely close. I was the best thing that happened to him (his words), but I guess still not good enough to continue in the M. You expressed similar thoughts in one of your previous posts.

I love reading your posts and I get a lot of info from replies. I don’t get much traffic on my thread, so I visit yours often, just don’t have much time to post.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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(I finally got wise and copied these suckers before posting, because I just lost this to the ozone for a full 30 minutes.)

Yikes, Matt. Testosterone replacement therapy? I hope not!


Only because it would indicate a sincere desire to conquer the women of the world with a
"chemically-enhanced" appendage. Yuck!
I should add, neither of us was saving ourselves for marriage when we met; we'd both made plenty of "trips to the buffet", so to speak.
You'd think at this point he's not trying to make up for everything he "missed'.

What he DID miss were all the things he said he wanted to do when we met.
He never did ANY of them, not due to lack of support from me.

In fact, almost all the things we did do were offshoots of my interests.
That wasn't my choice, he just didn't seem very motivated to do anything other than what he'd always done.

(LIGHTBULB RIGHT THERE!!!)

Although I must say that the majority of his "problems" since our marriage have been, in his mind, rooted in the performance, or lack of, said member. smile

Not stemming from "real" ED, more psychological/intimacy problems. It always worked "fine" for porn.

Even Viagra won't help his state of mind.
That's what we all REALLY need.

Viagra for more blood flow to the most important organ;
THE BRAIN!!!


But I digress...

--------------------

Supposedly, when all this came to light and he went for the full battery of STD tests, he said that "everything was clean and his testosterone levels were GREAT".

I was supposed to be given a written report of all the results. Needless to say, I never got one.


I can't imagine that his T levels are "great" considering his age, general health, issues, depression, alcohol consumption, and ED.... but what do I know?

He has other health issues you'd THINK would take precedence over his male performance, but clearly he thinks otherwise.

So, I don't *think* that's it.
Of course, I've been wrong before!
Can't imagine that a conscientious physician would even consider treating him for low T considering he has more pressing issues physically.

But for every great doc, I'll show you five charlatans...

----GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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BrightFuture,

Thanks for the compliment on my writing!
I like to read a lot, write a lot, talk a lot.... smile (Really????)

I surely write too much, but it's how I process.
(Drives H nuts, one of my 180s is processing more quietly. He doesn't say a word about anything. Talk about your two different styles.)

Inside my head it's like a tornado.
And I'm not exaggerating.
When I get stressed or don't get enough sleep, it gets pretty crazy up in here!

However, I think you described your sitch quite succinctly.
I'll have to go back and read up.

I've been following so many stories, I have lost track and mixed them up.
I don't know how the vets keep everyone straight.
--------------

Anyhow, back to our Hs.

I don't know how people can behave this way; how they can't see themselves for the cliches they are.

They seem to be able to identify it easily and make fun of it in others, yet they can't see it in themselves.
If they could, they would be SO embarrassed.

I think later, if and when they wake up, they are embarrassed, if they remember much.

As it is, I am embarrassed for GUBU (H).
I don't feel the need to fix this for him, yet I cringe watching him do the ridiculous stuff he's doing.

Watching the drama unfold is like watching a train wreck about to happen. You really should look away, but it's too compelling.

Like bad Reality TV.
---------------------

A few years ago he would have said he could NEVER act like this.

Now he seems to think it's perfectly justified and that he is somehow "special" --not like all those other creepy guys who tromp on their values and blow up their families.
-----------------

I am re-reading my Midlife Crisis book, the first time since I found out that he was, in fact, cheating on me.
I read it the first time before I knew for sure that he was, trying to understand what was going on.
He laughed at me about it, and sent a pic text to OW saying how stupid and crazy I was.
This didn't describe HIM! HE wasn't having a MLC!!!

HE was a super sixty something who had given "everything" to a wife who didn't appreciate him, who he didn't love now and never did, who was horrible to live with, who refused to have sex with him.

Who was using Rogaine because her hair was falling out, she's going through menopause, it's all over. She's too old now.

(No, turns out my hair was falling out because I was so STRESSED by how he was treating me. Likewise with the vomiting. I thought I had cancer.
Nope. Just my best friend betraying me. But during this I'd had a second cancer scare, which he didn't even ask about. Not once... I digress again.)


Nope.
HE was the lucky man who decided before it was too late that he had to do what was "right" for him, and I was an ingrate who deserved what I got.
He was trapped in a miserable marriage, he had been unhappy far too long, and he finally had the guts to do what he "needed" to do for himself, since he had completely sacrificed himself for me long enough.

He was soooo lucky that he finally found true love before it was too late... Yeah. Right.
(I found those texts later. Talk about pain.)

Anyhow, I credit the book with inciting me to snoop because I never did, I always trusted him.

Five minutes later--voila!!! OW!!!!!
Did I feel like a chump. And many times since.

But for that book, I'd still be in the dark, trusting fool that I am.
---------------------------------

No doubt he counted on my loyalty and naiveté. In fact, he still does.
Thinks I'm too clueless to see how he's spending, among other things.
I try not to snoop, but I can pretty much find out everything I need to know with a few keystrokes.

Anyhow, I could just rip out pages for the Midlife Crisis book and post them here, since they are verbatim accounts of how he's acting.
They describe what he's said and done, right down to the type of cheating he did with the exact type of woman!
It's literally a script he is following.
You almost have to laugh...
--------------------

And speaking of laughing, GUBU used to laugh at the Viagra commercials!
This was back when he still believed the "problem" was that I wasn't attractive enough or something.
Not that HE had a tremendous number of hangups in that department.
Nooooooooo...
(That's the REAL TRUTH that he never wanted to face. Whenever I brought it up--rarely-- he turned it around on me for "not being "political enough" among other things.)

He also made fun of men we know who cheated, how they were stupid, that their wives were lovely/pregnant!/too good for them, also the men who were sex/porn addicts...
In retrospect I think he was hinting at something.
----------------------------

Unfortunately for me, the Asperger's makes "hinting" a somewhat useless enterprise. smile
It takes me a while to "take the hint" if I ever get it at all.
I struggle with that, greatly.

I am working on it, but I'm not sure that is "fixable" in me.
All I am able to do is run it around and around in my head and try and figure it out rationally.
And process, write, talk it out.

And when that fails, I ask questions.
Which often never get answered because, as it turns out, most people don't KNOW what they're really feeling or why they feel that way.
Or how to fix it.
Or they can't explain it to me.
Or they can, but I still don't understand why people do some of the things they do.

To me, it's not always easy to do the right thing when you don't feel like it, but the right thing is to do it anyway!

I don't understand why people know what the right thing is, but choose to do something hurtful over and over.
We all make mistakes.
But I have can't imagine ever doing anything to anyone that would cause the kind of pain my H had no problem inflicting upon me.

I don't understand meanness, selfishness to that degree. I just don't. I probably never will. I can accept it. I just don't respect people who act that way. And that's GUBU these days.

(GUBU is my new "pet" name for H.
Gross, Unusual, Bizarre, Unprecedented, my pet Amoeba in my science experiment. Thanks to whoever it was that said that, I can't remember who!)
-----------------------------

One good thing is, at least his buying the Viagra shows a bit of an awakening that the problem lies with HIM and not ME.

He has said as much before, in between saying it's that I'm not his "type".

(Hmm... did I coerce him into a R, and hold him at gunpoint for the wedding, and hog-tie him to the fridge for almost 30 years now?
I must have.
Either that, or he should be nominated for sainthood for standing by such a horrible woman for so many years, sacrificing himself on the alter of my neediness and inability to cope on my own.)


On the other hand, he's still trying to fix what's wrong inside him by finding something outside of himself to change.

Maybe one day that will change.

Well, today is another day.
One of my 180s is to cross more of the things off my to-do list which I would normally avoid like the plague....


Let's all enjoy this day because, let's face it, as sh*tty as things may be, they could STILL be a whole lot worse!


---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Thanks, Y'all, for re-posting Raine's thread.
(She used to be Hopper.)

I have been re-reading it and getting more out of it now when I did the first time around.

Not only is she a wonderful writer, clearly articulating her experience and that of her H, she is insightful... and able to be so compassionate in such a tough situation.

I am inspired. And validated. I can see parts of my own story there and it gives me hope.

Without hope, something to shoot for, I don't think I'd be able to keep on this road. It's a lonely and difficult one to walk, with lots of hills and valleys.

Her posts are helping me see into my H a bit more, since she and her H were able to actually talk about what he was experiencing during his depression/MLC.

And it's not just Raine, it's job, (snodderly?), AJM, Wonka, and the rest who posted on her thread.
I have bookmarked it for all the priceless wisdom in there.

The names confuse me a bit since they change over time, but I think I've got who's who now. Maybe.

I am a little screwy still, don't know what's up with that... another phase I guess. Still feeling detached but grasping for understanding, feeling a bit lost.

Oh well. I guess we cycle too. This is just another loop around the MLC world.



Thanks again.

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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This from Raine:
"But now I've reached a "what the heck is this" moment. He has taken up to cybering/video sex with an out of state, previous co-worker. Except this time, it is 100% physical, no emotions. ........ Easy target me thinks. I think he has approached other women with innuendo who are not responding, but this one is, and she doesn't know anything, not even that we are separated.

What's interesting to me is I know he finds me super attractive, but he has not made any kind of move on me, but seems ready to pounce on any other woman who gives him the time of day. He doesn't flirt with me or anything. Maybe he respects me, doesn't want to hurt me, doesn't feel good enough for me, couldn't handle me rejecting him?"

----------------------

And this from job:
"Hopper, (Raine)
Your h is out there looking for something that isn't really there. He wants the fantasy, whereby there are actually no strings attached. What he's doing is feeding his ego and when it comes to you and who you are...there is a lot of work to love and commitment comes along w/the package.

Keep in mind, this is your h's journey and you weren't invited on it. He's out there searching for something to fill the hole deep inside of him that was left when he was emotionally stunted as a child. Happiness comes from within and not from outside sources and he's got to learn all of this before he can grow up and be a mature man.

He knows that you love him and that you are "waiting" for him. He knows what he is doing is huring you, but he's doing it anyway because it makes him feel better and it gives him that rush he needs to feel better about himself.

You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Please don't take his actions personally because this is all about him and him only.

BTW, he's no where near hitting bottom and it's going to take a long time before he does. He's not hit enough brick walls to make him realize that he's going to lose everything good in his life.

Keep the focus on you."

----------------------
From Raine:
"I totally see your point now. (job) It's not about sex as much as conquest/feeding his ego and there wouldn't be any of that if he went for me. This too is strangely better in my mind as well. It seems like if he gets rejected, one of them tells him no atm, he cuts them off."

"... but him not having any commitment to anyone makes it easier, plus that he seems to be more of a fantasy level try to avoid any kind of real attachment or commitment or relationship. It's just about wanting all these women to want him. I wonder if a relationship is just way beyond his capabilities to function and that's why the OW was cut off."



This is EXACTLY where I feel I'm at right at this moment.

So glad I read this stuff. It is helping.

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Again on Raine....

One thing she seemed to do pretty consistently was keep the lines of communication open with her H, while trying not to judge him, even though he was being so hurtful.

My H has said similar things about never being able to get past this with me, that I should go on and be happy with someone else, that he is "broken" and doesn't think he can be fixed.

I don't want to be his "pal", but maybe I need to be his shoulder.
If he reaches out, I can be there to listen without judgement, even if I don't agree.
-----------------------------

I see now I have confused detaching with withdrawing, and not-pursuing with shutting him out.

I can feel detached without withdrawing from him.
I can refrain from pursuit without actually distancing or shutting him out.

If I am too overwhelmed or emotional to keep it together, withdrawal might be necessary for a time to get my bearings.

I can see that he's fragile. I will continue to work on my compassion while reminding myself not to take the things he's doing personally.

Sometimes I lose sight of that when his actions seem to discount my value so heavily.

I know I'm worth it.
I hope in time he will see this too, and then perhaps be able to be the man I need him to be.

Meanwhile, all I can do is encourage him and believe in him.

That's the other thing Raine did.

Even when she lost faith, it sounds as though most of the time she was able to communicate that to her H.



---GGG



Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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GGG, be careful not to spin too much. It's not good for your well-being, ya know?

But I'm glad to see you're revisiting. And getting more out of it this time.

You were together for 29 years. He's capable of being the man you want/need. The question is if he'll come through this and if so, what he will be capable of being when he does. As you may have surmised, he won't be that "final product" right away. You'll have to tease that out of him as time goes on, if given the chance.

That's really the point. This is on him. It's about him. I know you felt crazy at the time. But that was yesterday. Today you know a lot more about what's going on than you did. Since you do, you also know it's not about you and that you can only be encouraging from a distance. To be closer would be detrimental to you both.

Quote:
I don't know how people can behave this way; how they can't see themselves for the cliches they are.
What makes you think he doesn't know? That the "need" to go through this isn't stronger and able to override his ability to be a decent person?

I've been where you are, GGG. It's confusing. It's difficult. It's painful. It's liberating. It's all of the above at once or in a few seconds.

Once you know what's going on, and I think you have a good handle on it, you'll need to accept the here and now. The what is, vs. what was, or should be, or what may be.

Once you've accepted it, the question will be what you choose to do about it.

The pages that are verbatim? Yep, I think I could have written half of it about my ex and her H. Now that I know, I choose my actions and reactions. That has brought me great peace. I think it will for you as well. smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hard to know, but I am not sure I agree with AJ. In my case, I do not think my xh has a clue how cliched his behaviour is.

Conversations reported to me by my children (intemittently - this isn't a big thing) indicate there isn't a shred of insight into his behaviour.

But like I say, my situation may not be typical, and it could be he is fully self aware but just can't stop.

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Quote:
What makes you think he doesn't know? That the "need" to go through this isn't stronger and able to override his ability to be a decent person?


This would be my W during moments of clarity during the dark days (anger/replay)... "I know what I am doing is wrong, but I just HAVE to do this, I feel I must do this..."


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Originally Posted By: TSquared2
Quote:
What makes you think he doesn't know? That the "need" to go through this isn't stronger and able to override his ability to be a decent person?


This would be my W during moments of clarity during the dark days (anger/replay)... "I know what I am doing is wrong, but I just HAVE to do this, I feel I must do this..."


Yup. I've felt this way while in MLC. It is the wooly-itchy feeling inside our heads that compels us to act out our internal angst.

I've told Ms. Wonka this at various times during very rare moments of lucidity:

"I'm not the bad guy here"

"Something's wrong with me"

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