Maybell, Part V

[Maybell]

Difficulty: restraining expectations.

Sigh.

[Meghan]

While I know hope is the thing that keeps us going through all of this, I've cursed hope pretty regularly too, because it make expectations really hard to keep in check.

I'm so glad things seem to be going well and wouldn't generally suggest focusing on the negative, but could it be useful to think on some of the things that you're less than happy about and would want to deal with if you reconciled as way of tempering things a bit, at least for now?

[Maybell]

Thanks, Meghan, I'm better now.

I think I may be somewhere in the neighborhood of that place Starsky(?) likes to promote of acknowledging your reality while retaining faith in victory. It's keeping the two in balance that's a challenge.

The emotion of the last week seems to have been released and I feel much better. It's interesting having seen him and hugged him today... There's a real bond there, at least on my side, like we fit, in spite of everything. There are certainly very serious issues to be resolved... Not least being my future trust in him. But there is a sense of rightness that makes it a little easier to be patient. I hope that's not self-delusion.

One question for vets... Proof that the OP is gone seems to be a necessary precursor to even dating (I'm thinking of Tarheel here). In my case, there is none H could provide. He deleted all her info in front of me last July. It's no big deal at all to get it back. So the gesture is meaningless.

After I found out this past May that he'd stayed in contact with her, I told him I wouldn't date him (dating while separated was his Plan A) while he was in contact with her, and then a couple of days later upped it to even being friends with him while he was in contact with her. A few days later he came by to discuss logistics and at the end said "And what about us?" I repeated the boundary and he said ok and left.

Fast forward to our lunch last week. I may be a fool, but given his tone, the timing of the statement, the fact he immediately followed it with a desire for more space, I'm inclined to believe him that she is no longer current. But I appreciate input in this area. I don't think he is able to give me proof that I would believe.

Side note... I'm not entirely convinced HE ended it... I have reason to think she did. Should that impact anything? I already have a long list of things that would have to happen to move us past co-parents. He will only move as fast as he's going to move. I'm probably borrowing trouble, right?

[Mat]

Not a vet but let me take a crack anyway...

On your side note, I think it is quite different than if he had decided to end it and focus on solving his own issues. But the fact that it has been thrust upon him is nonetheless helpful. DB techniques, especially LRT, rely to some extent on the spouse having some setbacks to realise that life isn't all peachy without the LBS. So if that just happened, and you are doing all the right things, you're still on-track aren't you?

It always helps to think of the worst-case scenario and see if you can deal with it. The first goal is to become functional co-parents that get along, and are friends. Even if he had got dumped AND is looking for someone new as we speak, that is still achievable. And once you've made it to that beachhead you can work on getting back together if you still feel like it at this point.

[Ggrass]

Maybe just see how it goes, if things change and how they change? Perhaps just watch the actions.

[labug]

Thanks, Meghan, I'm better now.

I think I may be somewhere in the neighborhood of that place Starsky(?) likes to promote of acknowledging your reality while retaining faith in victory. It's keeping the two in balance that's a challenge.

The emotion of the last week seems to have been released and I feel much better. It's interesting having seen him and hugged him today... There's a real bond there, at least on my side, like we fit, in spite of everything. There are certainly very serious issues to be resolved... Not least being my future trust in him. But there is a sense of rightness that makes it a little easier to be patient. I hope that's not self-delusion.

One question for vets... Proof that the OP is gone seems to be a necessary precursor to even dating (I'm thinking of Tarheel here). In my case, there is none H could provide. He deleted all her info in front of me last July. It's no big deal at all to get it back. So the gesture is meaningless.

After I found out this past May that he'd stayed in contact with her, I told him I wouldn't date him (dating while separated was his Plan A) while he was in contact with her, and then a couple of days later upped it to even being friends with him while he was in contact with her. A few days later he came by to discuss logistics and at the end said "And what about us?" I repeated the boundary and he said ok and left.

Fast forward to our lunch last week. I may be a fool, but given his tone, the timing of the statement, the fact he immediately followed it with a desire for more space, I'm inclined to believe him that she is no longer current. But I appreciate input in this area. I don't think he is able to give me proof that I would believe.

Side note... I'm not entirely convinced HE ended it... I have reason to think she did. Should that impact anything? I already have a long list of things that would have to happen to move us past co-parents. He will only move as fast as he's going to move. I'm probably borrowing trouble, right?

Again, I would say, slow down, LFW! (laser-focus-woman)

Let all the "what if" scenarios go. You're going to have a R with this guy, despite your boundary, because he's the father of your kids. That's where you are right now, today.

Enjoy what's going on right now. As for hope, sometimes it clouds the good of the now and makes us want something better, something more, something different. (I know, not quite what most people here espouse but it works for me)

Keep in mind that you're already a success story no matter what your H does or doesn't do.

[Maybell]

Thanks, labug. Sometimes I think I'm being healthy by feeling confident that I have my contingencies planned out and I forget that today is darned good. guess I need to go back to Tiny Buddha again.

I hope you are doing all right.

[Maybell]

Today was good. Really good. It was great to have my kids back. I said yes to all kinds of things we enjoyed one another's company and got things done and it was all very relaxed and happy. I got a ton of hugs and stories about their trip.

IC found the friendliness of H's family to me on the phone very interesting. He said that suggested to him that H had said he hoped things would work out but that I was very angry and he wasn't sure I wanted to. He said also the long email response to my two-line text suggested H wants to be closer also.

So far as H knows I'm still pursuing the separation and D. Neither of us has brought it up since I paid the retainer. So IC could be right. Or there could be several other explanations for those things.

We talked again about H mirroring me and the thin line between mirroring and pursuing.

Not much contact today. He did say he was having dinner with people from work.

Sometimes I wonder... What if both spouses had got themselves into such a pickle that they each came here independently, and both got the advice to give the other space? How would that play out?

Not that I think H would EVER post to a forum. It's just a thought.

I'll be sending prayers for all of you tonight. This is a community I never expected to be part of that has become important to me. I value all the different personalities I've encountered here, which has made me more patient with the ones I encounter in real life. The compassion, patience, and generosity shared by this community of strangers is so humbling. Thank you.

[Meghan]

Maybell - I'm so glad that you've had a good day today.

Prayers are appreciated - I'll take any intervention I can get at this point - and your sentiments about the value of this community mirror my own. I'm floored that there are so many kind, supportive people out there willing to help each other through a really difficult time.

[Maybell]

Weird, incredibly vivid dreams about H last night. I haven't had dreams like that in months. They have me anxious and confused. One showed him having a one night stand with another woman. One showed him sobbing with remorse. One showed me absolutely divorcing him. I feel almost like BD again.