Just wanted to say that after YET ANOTHER STINKING MELTDOWN I went back to DR.
I'm not going to ask about selling the house. I don't need to take on another life-changing event at this time and he has said we don't need to think about it till it's clear we need to divorce.
I have set a date on my calendar for three weeks in the future when I may contact him for something not related to kids or finances. That something MUST be light and impersonal, like a joke, a review to something I think he would like, or an article.
When I see him in between I will be cheerful and reasonably warm but not eager. I will follow DR principles and I will go back to DR whenever I start falling apart.
A friend asked me the other night if H had been depressed. I will read the chapter about depression in DR and see what suggestions that has.
What am I missing?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm sorry about the meltdown, but it sounds like you're on top of things. I think setting a date in the future is a good idea - it's a good period of time, but it also takes some of the pressure off you since there's a specific time to get in touch.
Good decision on the house, too - that's a major life event, and a lot to deal with, and you already have quite a bit on your plate. I'd say keep looking forward and considering your options (I've found this rather helpful in terms of envisioning where I could be and where I want to be), but keep sitting on them for now.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Just read MLP's words and I'm pasting them here as a reminder for when I go back through my thread:
What's the worst that could happen.
Seriously - take a look at that.
She's gone. She's actually BEEN gone. So your journey through hell started 4 months ago.
Truly this is an opportunity.
What was the quote that you gave me the other day? When you go through hell, keep going.
What's the worst that could happen? Well - the worst that could happen is that you guys would get a divorce...that's probably how you feel right now.
But then again - you didn't want the marriage that you've had for the last four months anyway.
What's the best that could happen? You could become a stronger, better version of you. You could become a man that she'd be a fool to leave. You could become someone who will be happy and a great dad no matter what the outcome is.
When you go through hell, keep going.
Sounds like you've got a blister on your foot in your marathon, Dawgy...and that [censored]. But - you can do this. You really need to do this for your boys. The time to start becoming the better version of you is right now.
Just do it.
OK, the worst that can happen is that we actually end up divorced. He's already gone. I just haven't had to separate the finances or the stuff, and I haven't had to deal with the house. And I miss him.
Well, I can just move out and ask the L to assign the house to him, with the argument that we closed on it while he was in an active affair that he was keeping from me. That doesn't have to be my problem.
We've already separated a lot of our stuff and he doesn't want to deal with it. I'm dumping it in his office as I go through making the house what I want it to be so even that work is kind of doing itself. The worst will be the Christmas stuff. Well, I can deal with that when I get to it.
The finances almost certainly won't be as bad as I'm afraid of, and I know how to get help.
Even if we're divorced, we have three young kids together. We'll be actively co-parenting for the next twelve years, minimum. The relationship won't be final, and actually could improve from where it was before and where it is now. Nothing to fear there. And I will have the opportunity to make my life what I want of it.
Pep talk done. But I'm going to set myself a weekly calendar item reminding myself to think through the worst that could happen, and that the worst, essentially, already has happened, and I may be crying but I'm still strong.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
And if you don't feel like talking to him in three weeks...don't.
My IC keeps reminding me that these deadlines are arbitrary. So - trust your gut when you get there. Don't feel like it. Fine. Comes a little sooner than then? Also fine.
I had a pretty profound IC meeting today - haha....Please allow me to share what I learned!
MLP, I set the date as a "no sooner than" because I've sent unsolicited text messages about my own stuff, that was serious, twice this week. What worked was going dim while he was traveling and even some after. Setting the calendar item is a reminder to me to let some time pass so we both actually have the space we want. If he wants less and contacts me, that's fine. But I can't initiate anything before then.
If you have any more IC insights I'm clearly in need.
Thanks!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Just read MLP's words and I'm pasting them here as a reminder for when I go back through my thread:
What's the worst that could happen.
Seriously - take a look at that.
She's gone. She's actually BEEN gone. So your journey through hell started 4 months ago.
Truly this is an opportunity.
What was the quote that you gave me the other day? When you go through hell, keep going.
What's the worst that could happen? Well - the worst that could happen is that you guys would get a divorce...that's probably how you feel right now.
But then again - you didn't want the marriage that you've had for the last four months anyway.
What's the best that could happen? You could become a stronger, better version of you. You could become a man that she'd be a fool to leave. You could become someone who will be happy and a great dad no matter what the outcome is.
When you go through hell, keep going.
Sounds like you've got a blister on your foot in your marathon, Dawgy...and that [censored]. But - you can do this. You really need to do this for your boys. The time to start becoming the better version of you is right now.
Just do it.
OK, the worst that can happen is that we actually end up divorced. He's already gone. I just haven't had to separate the finances or the stuff, and I haven't had to deal with the house. And I miss him.
Well, I can just move out and ask the L to assign the house to him, with the argument that we closed on it while he was in an active affair that he was keeping from me. That doesn't have to be my problem.
We've already separated a lot of our stuff and he doesn't want to deal with it. I'm dumping it in his office as I go through making the house what I want it to be so even that work is kind of doing itself. The worst will be the Christmas stuff. Well, I can deal with that when I get to it.
The finances almost certainly won't be as bad as I'm afraid of, and I know how to get help.
Even if we're divorced, we have three young kids together. We'll be actively co-parenting for the next twelve years, minimum. The relationship won't be final, and actually could improve from where it was before and where it is now. Nothing to fear there. And I will have the opportunity to make my life what I want of it.
Pep talk done. But I'm going to set myself a weekly calendar item reminding myself to think through the worst that could happen, and that the worst, essentially, already has happened, and I may be crying but I'm still strong.
That all looks like really wise and clear thinking there^^^ to me, Maybell. You make a good Mamabear.
Also, about 20% of divorced couples end up re-marrying, so you never know even if divorce does happen. And the overwhelming majority of those report that the marriage is MUCH better and stronger than it ever was before.
I'll try to catch up on your backstory when I get a chance; pretty slammed today and also trying to help a couple of other posters.
Excellent pep talk! I imagine it's a hard thing to acknowledge that he's already gone (I took in a deep breath when I read that, because it seems largely true for me, too), but this was really positive overall.
Keep doing what you're doing, and the rest will fall into place. You're strong and you're already making things happen in your own life.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
