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LoisB Offline OP
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Gotta get this fear back in check. It really slows me down and keeps me stuck.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Heather I just read through this thread. IT is so wonderful that you and your girls are beginning a journey of recover together. It took a lot of bravery for your daughter to face her problems. You know too well that is something much older adults are still not able to do.

I Googled Journey from Abandonment. .. with my therapist today. She hadn't heard of it before but was excited about what she read. She ordered me the new addition that comes out in September. I am excited to get started reading.


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15
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Julie,

I'm so glad you discussed the book with your therapist. It truly changed me and my life...at least, it's starting to. :-)

If you go onto her website, you can download the workbook...which is WONDERFUL. I highly suggest it.

Yes, I think D20 is going to be ok. At least, we now know the medicine she needs to take to keep her life in check and avoid the train wreck her father's life has caused. I feel very blessed. There has been a lot of laughing in our house these past few days. We have a cat that has a serious catnip problem. We've been calling her a "Niphead" and D20 keeps cracking me up by coaching our cat to "put her sobriety first because it's the most important thing."

Last night, driving home from the meeting, D20 said to me, "Ya know mom, all that talk about removing the self from "self-will" and I just kept thinking...'I don't have a problem with this' Every one else seems to have this problem. Not me. THEN, it occurred to me...THIS IS EXACTLY the problem that everyone keeps telling me THEY have with ME. That I act entitled and selfish...maybe I DO HAVE THIS PROBLEM."

Hallelujah.

I have to admit, though, sitting in the meeting, there was a moment when I saw my life as a bystander...Unemployed, one daughter on the Autism Spectrum and another alcoholic, an MIA spouse, in the middle of a dissolution with so many uncertainties in the future, a somewhat narcisstic family who sometimes still gets angry with me for being too dependent on them/unable to stand on my own two feet = family issues..."AHHHHHH!!!" Part of me wanted to run out of the meeting screaming..."I'm heading to the hills, don't try to find me."

I didn't. I came home and laughed with my daughters about our Niphead cat.

Today, I'm creating a writing sample for this sweatshop-type writing company that provides web content. I should be able to get this gig. They pay $20 per 400 word story with a limit of 80 stories per month. I can do it for a bit.

I think the reality of D11 being without childcare while I work outside the home has hit my mother. She is now looking at in-home jobs for me. All these years...and, now that I've applied all over the place...the reality that she may be asked to alter her life to help watch D11...She's not liking that too much. She just doesn't help...ever...unless I ask and when I do...she is very firm about how long D11 stays with her. I'm not sure why because D11 isn't a behavior problem anymore. IDK. My mom has helped me in different ways...but, helping me with D11...not so much. And, the reality that I may need help isn't too appealing to her. She volunteers two places, works part-time and shops...She's not looking to mess that up.

The plot continues to thicken over here at Lake Wobegon. Stay tuned. :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Smokey left the week Whitney Houston died. I grew to hate the song, "I will Always Love You."

And, in another of God's strange twists...I like to listen to music when I pray and I've been drawn to her music and that of her funeral in recent weeks. It's been very healing for me.

She was a beautiful addict who created quite the mess in her life and that of her family. She lost the battle.

Anyway, anyone looking for a spiritual experience, I would suggest listening on Youtube to her version of R. Kelly's "I Look to You." Follow it up with R. Kelly singing it at her funeral.

MLC and Addiction seem to have so many similarities. In both cases, you have watch someone destroy their own life and your own and that of your children. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight that we are the lucky ones...and how many beautiful people have been lost to battles of the soul.

Last edited by LoisB; 07/25/14 01:44 PM.

"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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I was listening to this song and I checked my emails. I got a response from a publisher in a small Upper New York State town. They are creating some project and would like to talk to me. :-)

Quote:
I was in a tunnel
And couldn't see the light
And whenever I'd look up
I couldn't see the sky
Sometimes when I'm standin'
It seems like I done walked for miles
And my heart could be cryin'
Dead in the middle of a smile

But then I climbed the hills
And saw the mountains
I hollered help 'cause I was lost
Then I felt the strong wind
Heard a small voice sayin'

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Come on and set me free

Now in the midst of my battle
All hope was gone
Downtown in a rushed crowd
And felt all alone
Every now and then
I felt like I would lose my mind
I've been racin' for years
And still no finish line, oh

But then I climbed the hills
And saw the mountains
I hollered help 'cause I was lost
Then I felt the strong wind
And then a small voice sayin'

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Come on and set me free

Somehow my beginnin' stepped right in
Then faith became my friend
And now I can depend
On the voices of the wind
When it's sayin'

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Won't you come and set me free?
Won't you set me free?

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Won't you come and set me free?

Won't you come and set me free
Just like, if that guy can see the light, shinin'
Somewhere beyond the clouds
If that guy can see the light, shinin'
Take it down, down
If that guy can see the light, shinin'
The day is going, world is runnin'
The clouds moving, the sun shinin'
I made it home, I made it home
Prayin' for a pot of gold

The storm is over now
I'am telling you I could see the light
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven over me
Heaven is over me
Come and set me free
Come and set me free
Won't you come and set me free?

Read more: R. Kelly - The Storm Is Over Now Lyrics | MetroLyrics


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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I love upstate NY:-). Glad to hear you are getting some responses. That's a nice confidence booster!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Quote:
What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality. Plutarch


I've struggled the past few days and I noticed that I stepped away from the inner work I was doing. Lost a bit of the focus on the abandonment work I was doing. I've been praying, but not making the effort to change my actions/habits. All the prayer in the world won't make a bit of different if I don't DO things differently.

So, today, getting back at it. Have my workbook out.

Took a walk with the girls this morning. Sent them on an errand so I will have an hour without anyone!!! Yesterday, I was desperately wanting some time to myself to get my head right and my girls have been very stuck to me. D20 is stuck because of her admission/getting honest about school/alcoholism and D11 is stuck to me because of our uncertain future. I get it and I'm trying to BE there for THEM...but, I need some clarity and that comes when I have a little alone time.

Powerful feelings I'm dealing with right now.

Had a strange dream about Smokey last night. I think it's showing growth on my part. He had simply moved back in when no one was looking. He was acting as if nothing had changed. I noticed him in the kitchen and saw how terrible he looked. He had gained weight and looked like an aging, middle-aged man who didn't take very good care of himself. He didn't look ANYTHING like himself. I commented on it. He said it was because his hair was different. I disagreed and said, "No, you just look terrible." I wasn't angry, but I wasn't sure I wanted him in our home. He said he had lost his job and was working two low-paying jobs. I asked about OW and told him that, if she was still in the picture, he needed to leave. There was one point where I felt angry...he had confided that he had stayed at the Ritz-Carlton after he had been evicted and lost his job. But, I regained my composure and I remember thinking...Heather, use the DB techniques. Don't bash him. Step back. VALIDATE, BUT set some firm boundaries...then asked myself, "DO I really want him back here? What if OW is still hanging around?"

I'm not sure of the answer. I know it was a firm NO if OW was in the picture. I like the part where I didn't see him as all handsome and stuff. He was a very average, dumpy-looking guy who had a low-paying job and wasn't at all appealing. I think this is healthy for me. My subconscious is taking him down from the pedestal.

Last edited by LoisB; 07/26/14 05:41 PM.

"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Interesting dream, Heather. It could be not too far from the reality.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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I need to journal a bit this morning. I feel myself spinning.

Yesterday, I had some insights into the heavy criticism running through my head 24/7. The Prozac seems to really help by way of making it something I can actually catch and respond to. I think, in part, I'm just wired this way. But, I know I was also surrounded by a lot of damaged people who see judging/criticism as a hobby.

Anyway, the coffers are getting low and I'm scared.

I have a job interview on the 30th for a retail job. It's a bit of a drive, but God put a mechanic in my path when I went to the A.A. meeting. He is just starting out and willing to give me a deal on the things needing done on the Jeep. This is a huge blessing. He said he would charge me $60 for an alignment.

I have a ton of follow ups I could do for all the resumes I sent out.

Also, I have agreed to tutor the student with the sexual issues at his home. I can't decide what to charge, however. I don't want to be stuck there too long. I'm thinking 2 hours a session is about what I'm able to do. I was charging $375 when he came to our house, but that was three full days. The mom is really excited that I'm willing to help. I'm seeing it as temporary.

Just feeling some fear and overwhelm. I will get through it.

I will call the mechanic.

I also need a haircut. I'm willing to go cheap...really just need the back evened out...I'm growing out a pixie.

Oh, and D20 has gotten back into her piggly ways. My mom called her yesterday to invite her to a meeting where a young woman was giving her first lead. D20 said she would go, but "forgot."

I prepped myself for this. I knew this would happen and I'm proud of how I handled it. I didn't get all into her business. But, I did set a boundary and reminded her that she promised to mow a section of the yard...she did...imperfectly, but it's done. Also, when she asked me for the umpteenth time if we were moving...I reminded her to focus on herself, that I'm turning it over to God. And, when she used our financial situation as an excuse, again, for not going back to school...I reminded her, gently, that her drinking played a part in that decision and asked her to remember that she has a few mountains to climb of her own. So sorta, in a nice way, told her to Please remove your head from my a$$. :-)

I knew it was coming. This will not be easy, but in some way, relatively speaking, it won't be as hard.

I see her stuck to me and waffling a bit. Afraid of the things she needs to handle right now...call off school, go to meetings, get a sponsor, etc...I'm willing to help with the meetings.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Heather,
To add to your daughter's list...she needs a job and help w/expenses while she's home.

That's great news about the mechanic. One repair at a time.

Follow up on your resumes today and see where you are on their interview lists. Don't put this off.

Is your daughter passive-aggressive? The reason I ask is the way that she mowed the lawn after you spoke to her about it.

Stick the boundaries w/her and she'll eventually get the message...but it's not just your problem about the college finances...but hers as well.

Good luck today w/the mechanic.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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