WAW having an A but she denies it #2

[Tarheel]

I drew that line that I don't want to live in an open M but I also want to work for my M and my family.

By drawing that line, you ARE working for your M and your family!

You can't back down on your stance now- don't plan any family activities until she's able to prove the A is over. Otherwise, you just allow her to eat her cake.

[shodan]

I hear ya. My concern is my kids. I don't want to spend the next three months (possibly could take that long for her to end it) doing separate things from my W(or she does things with the kids without me). I know your view is the right way (and only way) but I am concerned about the kids.

Staying the proud papabear. Rock on.

[shodan]

So I just uncovered another lie. My wife had a work trip to London two days after she told me about her desire for a D. This trip had been planned for a few weeks. I of course thought nothing of it. But I just looked at her passport snd she has no stamp from London or reentering the US. uggh...

[Oxford1]

I hear ya. My concern is my kids. I don't want to spend the next three months (possibly could take that long for her to end it) doing separate things from my W(or she does things with the kids without me). I know your view is the right way (and only way) but I am concerned about the kids.

Staying the proud papabear. Rock on.

Here's the difference with us. I have s21 college graduate living on his own.
S16 still at home anxious child on medication completely has anxiety under control at this point. Entering 11th trying to get into IVY League or Equivalent.
S21 and his Fiancée 22 are hoping to get job in the NYC and move back to our house.

So I get your concern it is the same as mine. However my sons want WW and me to stay together they are old enough to support what's going on.
To me having the kids is a great way to GAL.
I look forward to my kids being he
re. I will do everything humanly possible to spend time with them if my WW chooses to join us fine.

Maybe what you can do is the same thing make plans with the kids. I know every week where I live there are fairs etc. Tell your wife what you are all up to but don't "ask" her to come. If she asks if she can come say yes. But while at whatever activity you choose to do focus on the kids.

When an if you go to a movie with the kids and she comes let the kids sit between the two of you.

[Oxford1]

So I just uncovered another lie. My wife had a work trip to London two days after she told me about her desire for a D. This trip had been planned for a few weeks. I of course thought nothing of it. But I just looked at her passport snd she has no stamp from London or reentering the US. uggh...

My DD3 which is when I think the affair finally went PA( they were in a known fleabag motel) I drive by the place my wife worked I wanted to surprise her and take her to lunch ( I thought she and OM were no contact), her car is not in her designated spot I drive all over the lot no car. Then I checked her iPhone location...flea bag motel
That night she tells me you must have not seen my car it was there you were looking in the wrong spot!

So remember what they say! Believe only 50% what you see and nothing that you hear!
Oh and my WW really was smart she keeps her passport locked in her desk at Work in her private office that is locked all the time!

[shodan]

This is no fun, I have her caught but she has not admitted to it. She is lying to the kids about where she is and what she is doing, which breaks my heart

[Starsky309]

Hi Sho,

I'm so sorry about the "London" thing; I am sure there will continue to be other "shoes" that will drop. Once you get over the initial shock of the actual affair, it really ends up being where the DECEIT and the DISRESPECT bother you the most, as strange as that may sound.

I hope you are documenting everything. Wouldn't charges from that show up on your debit card or your Amex account? I'm wondering if she has another cc, in her own name, that she has paperless billing on? No matter; in any even she will have to do a FULL financial disclosure, under risk of perjury, as part of any legal action should things come to that. Judges don't look too kindly on squandering family assets on affairs, ESPECIALLY when there are kids involved.

As for doing stuff as a family, I would keep it about 90% with you and the kids on the weekends. Maybe occasionally "Hey, I'm taking the kids to _______, if you'd like to join us we're leaving about 3." Very casual and almost business-like. If she joins you, great; if she turns you down say "No problem. We won't be gone long" (or whatever). Do NOT beg her or pursue in any way.

Also, be wary that she doesn't use those family times to be texting or phoning OM -- that will be a boundary you will have to lay early and firmly.

But make sure you absolutely schedule some things with JUST you and the kids, as this is one of those "reality" jolts she's going to need to learn to live with. If she's going to basically fire you as her husband, these will be some of the realities she will have to grow accustom to, and the hope is that when these things happen now, she won't like how they feel and will make a move back toward her family.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

This is no fun, I have her caught but she has not admitted to it. She is lying to the kids about where she is and what she is doing, which breaks my heart

I know it sukks, Sho, but -- other than laying and enforcing some healthy boundaries (ex.: "no texting OM in front of the kids") there's really not much you can do. Everyone draws the line in a different place; I chose to ultimately enforce a "NO DECEIT" boundary only to our ADULT children.

Just don't allow her to lie to your face. When she does, just put your hand up in the "stop" position and do the "Please stop it; we both know you're lying to me right now and it's incredibly disrespectful" thing.


Starsky

[Oxford1]

This is no fun, I have her caught but she has not admitted to it. She is lying to the kids about where she is and what she is doing, which breaks my heart

I know it sukks, Sho, but -- other than laying and enforcing some healthy boundaries (ex.: "no texting OM in front of the kids") there's really not much you can do. Everyone draws the line in a different place; I chose to ultimately enforce a "NO DECEIT" boundary only to our ADULT children.

Just don't allow her to lie to your face. When she does, just put your hand up in the "stop" position and do the "Please stop it; we both know you're lying to me right now and it's incredibly disrespectful" thing.


Starsky

Listen to Starsky's comment on putting your hand up. My IC and the MC both told me to do that and it works. When ww told me that her A is not PA anymore I did this.
She for really upset and said it's the truth let's go right after he leaves and I will take a lie detector test!

I could tell from the way she was acting that she was not lying to me.

There have since been other things where her reaction pointed that she was. She would just walk away and mumble under her breath!

[Starsky309]

Sho,

I know you're anxious about how to behave and what to do and say when your wife comes home tomorrow. Remind me of where she was when you found out about A (has she been home since "she knows that you know" [even if she denies it]?).

Also, tell us what -- during your "Plan A"/"Be the best Husband I Can Be" phase -- you would have done when she came back.

I'd like to know that before I advise you.

thanks,

Starsky