Heather- thank you. You make me feel better for allowing myself to feel these emotions. When I made my bed today, I noticed tear stains on ALL of my pillows. I can't wait for the day they are dry and gone. I know it will come...
AJ- Your response to me... well... that is the reason I decided, after months or reading, to finally post. Thank you. God bless you...
Mighty I am so glad you decided to post. There is no way to get through this a better person without sharing your story openly and honestly. Please vent here.
You are not crazy and what your h is doing to you and your kids is awful. It is a traumatic experience and you are less then a year into it.
It took me close to 2 years to be somewhat normal. Give yourself time and treat yourself nice.
Please look to find your kids the support they need whether through therapy, church or ala teen.
Of course your h pretended there wasn't another woman. He needed to gaslight you and act like it was about you and he is not a bad guy.
This is so script.
I asked my h a week or two after the bomb if this had anything to do with Jess, a 28 yr old woman he worked with. "Oh no of course not". I believed him.
Guess what, now they live together.
Go easy on yourself. This is so hard.
We are here for you
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thanks, BklynMom. I can't imagine how these guys live with these women and work with them, too. You'd think they'd get sick of them. It seems like it makes it more difficult for MLC's to get the space and time they need to really think and address things when they are always together, ya know?
I just noticed h's car next door. My bil lives there. We don't really talk. He's like the only person in the world I don't really get along with. I don't respect him. He is rude, treats his wife like crap, and treats my kids like crap. H really never talked to him either, even though he lived next door. H thought he was "ignorant", but now I guess they are buds!
I just hate seeing his car so close. It makes me freak out a little inside. And I wonder, is hww there too? OMG, I've never even seen her. AND I DONT WANT TO! The thought of them being together right next door, in my neighborhood, makes me so uncomfortable- even in my own house!
This journey isn't for the faint-hearted. The people on the MLC boards have really been through it. We have the type of stories that are difficult to relate to others because they sound so much like some trashy reality TV show.
In my experience, DB gives me one of my many arsenal of tools in handling this journey. There are other tools too. Michelle's DB techniques have given me guidance in dealing with my spouse...and other difficult people in difficult situations. I use the techniques on my kids and others in my life.
Other tools include books on abandonment, midlife crisis, books on spiritual journeys and soul-searching, etc...This will be the hardest journey you ever take.
The good news is...few people have the chance to switch things up mid-life. In some ways, your spouse's problems are giving you an "out" on the life you had. You can examine your life and choose what YOU want to keep and what YOU don't. YOU can determine what kind of partner you want in the future...maybe your spouse, maybe someone even better. The bottom line is...YOU CAN ALTER THE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE AS YOU KNEW IT.
This situation, as hard as it is, can be the very thing that forces you to deal with whatever baggage YOU have a human being and will give you the tools to live out the rest of your life in contentment. The future successful relationship you have with yourself and someone else will be a result of this journey...if you face it honestly and proactively.
But, the journey isn't an easy one. It's filled with pain and self-doubt and earth-shaking revelations...especially in the beginning. This passes. But, with all these feelings comes past feelings of rejections...past hurts. For some reason, when we deal with this grief in our marriage...the shattering of a dream...all of our other hurts come into the light. This gives us a unique opportunity to deal with them and put them to rest.
Be brave. Nothing we've been through will be wasted. Look for comfort in new areas and challenge yourself to rise above this situation.
The people on these boards have tons and tons of valuable information, guidance and suggestions to help you along. We've been where you are and have survived. We can help you get through the rough patches.
It might be helpful for you to google the Hero's Spouse. There is a section on the OW/OM. She calls them alienators. You will find the information under the Site and Article Map. It gives you an idea of who these people really are...very broken. A healthy, confident, well-balanced, centered individual does NOT interfere in someone else's marriage. Chances are that she is very needy and riddled with problems of her own. Otherwise, she wouldn't be interested in your H.
At this stage of the game, it was helpful for me to read about who this OW really was. No, she's not Angelina Jolie...she is probably a rather sad, pitiful human being who has latched onto a very broken man at the worst time in his life and is hanging on like a monkey in heat.
Begin to surround yourself with your own arsenal of information, support and love and you will get through whatever is ahead.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thanks, Heather. You are so right and it is helpful to think about things from a different perspective. I have used db techniques for about 8 months now. I have learned a lot! At this point, I kind of don't know what the heck I'm doing. I still use them, like you said, they are helpful in every day way of life. It has definitely calmed me down. I am much less confrontational. Not that I was highly before, but I wasn't afraid to stick up for myself. Now, I don't know... I don't know if it's db techniques or I've just lost my spunk. Maybe a little of both. I guess I'm finding some things little easier today. I saw pics of hww (ow). It didn't really bother me too much. She's ok looking. Very young. That's what he chose, and I just have to accept it. The weird thing is too, that I saw her x. I don't have fb, but someone showed me. He has all sorts of pictures of him and hww on his page, and he still has it marked that he's in a relationship. It does not look like they were married, but they bought a house together last spring and it sold in March. They only had it 10 months. Looks like she probably left him for my h. But, you gotta wonder, they had a 2 yr old and a house together, why didn't he marry her? Now she is in the same situation AGAIN! And only two years later. Maybe not marriage material?
I have been on HS website, but hadn't read the articles you directed me to. I read them last night. Very insightful. And really, it looks exactly what their situation is like. Pretty stereo-typical.
I guess the hardest part for my sitch is that I really don't have time on my side. It really can't play out where their r implodes. I mean, it probably will sometime, depending on how much they really want to put up with each other. But with a baby in just a few months, it's a whole new ball game. Wouldn't he really look like crap walking away from another family, particularly a newborn. And if he did, he'd be so broke! He have 2 families to pay support to, plus himself.
H did text me today about the papers I mailed him to fill out. He's kind of a jerk about it. This is what gets me so upset. He is so selfish and in his own world, that he is ignorant to the disaster he has left here. Part of all the stress we had the past couple years, I think, contributed to his mlc. But he left it all for me, and now that he is in fantasy land, he could care less that I'm doing it all alone.
OK, I know this is part of the process. But I have got to figure out how to not let him agitate me. Just getting a text from him sends me into another dimension. I did recognize today, though, that I cannot allow this to continue, and that I need to find a way not to let stupid things like that bother me. I just hate when he puts pressure on me. And why the heck does he continue to text. I have not responded until today. He wants to keep going back and forth on things, and things that are stupid and don't matter. I didn't even bother. But why does he want to do that. Is it because I have not responded for a couple weeks and he just wants to initiate any type of communication, or does he want to push my buttons?
Funny thing is, he got the paper work in the mail Friday. He was next door at bil yesterday. He did not text me until today at work. Boy, he really will not communicate AT ALL when he is outside of work. She must really be insecure.
Anyway, back to the text today: I simply told him I was doing the best I could with the situation I was in. It was funny because he said "that money is for renovations, not a dental bill" This was after I explained that the money for renovations (to relieve his guilt) from the sale of our rentals, was not nearly enough. I haven't complained, but explained that there are many other expenses and thousands I've put into electrical, plumbers, etc. It's just funny that he is telling me where I need to spend the money that I got in our settlement. He, on the other hand, is free to do whatever he wants with his profits. He ran from all the debt here and was free and clear. What a pain in the a$$. I do feel like a prisoner to this house at this point.
I just cant wait to have this done so all that nonsense of communication is over. One more thing... he has not paid all the things he agreed to pay. It's not a ton of money, but its annoying. I'm torn. Part of me wants to just cut my losses. I feel like it may not even be worth addressing, because I know it will send him into a frenzy and I will be on the receiving end of crazy- which I am trying to remove from my life. Yet, another part of me feels its not right, and he did agree to it.
I don't know. BTW, I know some were concerned about my kids, as I am too. They are in c. They are active and busy and have a great support system of family and friends. They really are good kids, but it has been a lot of work the past few months trying to get through this. I am just trying to keep things as normal as I can for them, keep them busy, and continue to talk and laugh with them.
Thanks, guys, for your sound advice and support! Peace
Perspective: what do you define as on the receiving end of crazy, exactly? His psychological abuse? His running away with a young girl he works with? Having a baby (it may not be his) with her? Leaving you and the kids the same way his father did?
What's your definition of being on the receiving end of his crazy?
At some point, you'll absorb the fact that it's not your doing. You could have been "perfect" (and probably were/are) for him. I'm not saying you are perfect - nobody is - but for him, likely. You didn't cause this. You can make it worse by pursuing, blaming, etc. But you can't make it worse by doing what you need to do for YOU. And for your kids. That's on him, you are just reacting to enforce your boundaries. What he does with that is his to deal with.
Make sense?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
OK, as promised... the GAL list! Hold on to your seats, this is going to get very exciting!
laundry mowing dishes.... haha! OK, I kid!
Really, nothing too exciting. I was doing well during the June-ish time. Last couple weeks- not so much. But I'm a work in progress. OK, here it is, for real, nothing so fab, just my reality: running yoga (hot yoga- its so amazing!) dinner with friends movies with kids made a couple new friends bought day passes for me and kids to go rock climbing taking care of myself more cut my hair (don't know if that fits into gal, but 180?! It has always been quite long- I cut it above my shoulders) Went on a trip with kids Looking into taking another trip with kids Working (I don't normally work during the summer, but it's kept my mind busy, as best as it can, and the money helps!)
I guess that's about it, other than some accomplishment I've done around the house on my own that I've been proud of. For example, opening the pool myself and hooking up the saltwater generator for it, hanging drywall in the bathroom (s helped hold some ceiling sheets), but I did all the rest myself, including carrying full sheets around the house, up the porch and upstairs myself. That was quite a task, since I'm only 5'1. My arms aren't that long to get it that high off the ground, but I found a system! There have been many tasks that I've accomplished which feel good to conquer.
Alright, so not really the edge of your seat, GAL, but as Heather has reminded me... I can make my life what I want it to be. So onward and upward!
You could have been "perfect" (and probably were/are) for him. I'm not saying you are perfect - nobody is - but for him, likely. You didn't cause this.
Yup, my MLC W has said ^^^^^. She thought it was all me, but now knows it is/was her all along.
All you can do is what AJ has said.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
