OK, well, I will try to make this as short as I can. I have been reading boards for about 9 months (I really can’t believe it’s been this long!!!!!!) and db as best as I can. Well, I’ve hit a point in which I just don’t know what to do or how to deal.
Two years ago our lives became very hectic. We began some major renovations on our home which included 2 additions and gutting an entire floor leaving my kids to temporarily move bedrooms (which ended up being a year long!). Our renovations became a nightmare with the contractor and one thing after another went totally wrong. We were also putting in an in-ground pool, and a fence, so our yard was a disaster and things continued to go wrong there, so the inside AND the outside of our house was a disaster for a year (inside STILL NOT DONE- 2 yrs later). Then, one of our rental units (the largest- a huge 4br family home) was destroyed after evicting a family and we had to focus on this for 6 months instead of our house (we had just ‘flipped” the rental house 3 yrs prior).
We found out that the vasectomy reversal my husband had (under my begging and pleading for another child) showed really not a chance of producing a child without further scientific involvement, which we decided we weren’t going to pursue. Right when all of these “things” were starting, we found out my cousin was diagnosed with a rare and serious cancer. Three weeks later, my (husband’s) nephew was killed by a drunk driver. He was very close with us- closer than anyone in my husband’s family, and my husband thought of him like a son. He was 25, had a little girl and baby on the way.
Three days after that, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.
The following month, my life-long family friend, a neighbor who grew up next to us and still lived in my parent’s neighborhood, killed himself.
A few months after that, there was a rare storm and we had a flood. Our basement flooded, most of which was sewage from backed up city lines. All of our “stuff” was down there because of the renovations, including my son’s temporary “bedroom”. It was one thing after another. More deaths of family friends, and it just seemed like so many things were going wrong and we couldn’t keep up. Everything was a mess and we really didn’t have time to deal with any emotions. This was a year of chaos. So the next summer (last summer) we were trying to get caught up and back to reality. My h was different, however. He was angry and stressed. He would snap and rage. I just thought he was stressed. With the realization that we wouldn’t have another child, I was determined to make the best of what we had- and we were blessed. I told my h that I wasn’t going to work 2 jobs (which I had done the previous 2 years) and we could focus our time and energy on our (2) kids and family and have fun. We had, after all, worked very hard for many years.
Things were different, but I was ignoring it- writing it off as stress. One weekend, we were around the house. I asked my h if he wanted a drink. We were watching football and hanging out. He did not at all that weekend (different bc we usually would have a couple, no biggie). He said he didn’t want to bc he was trying to lose weight (he looked good, anyway- average weight). The next night, a Monday in October (~1 yr after nephew’s accident), he called and said he was going out for a drink after work. I was like, OK, whatever. A few hrs went by, and I thought about how he didn’t want any w me. At 10:30 PM, I texted him “shady” bc something felt way off. He came right home and went into a rage and said he wanted a divorce. He said he does not love me and our marriage [censored].
My h came home from work 2 wks after bd and said he saw a lawyer. In the meantime we were still hanging out. He seemed so confused. When I looked into his eyes, they were crazy! He left one morning and gone overnight and lied about his whereabouts (I called onstar and got addresses, he was in another city). Then h informed me he rented a place. He moved out Thanksgiving weekend. About a week before he left, we had a really nice talk. I told him all the things that I loved about our marriage. He cried and said he did not know what happened. We agreed we would use the time to work on ourselves and not involve anyone else to distract the process.
After he moved out, we still talked all the time, did things together, and texted. We did all our Christmas shopping together and he stayed here Christmas Eve. He spent all day Christmas here and left late, but wouldn’t stay another night. He cried a lot over the fall and winter, and cried when he moved out. He was clearly depressed and confused. The first time kids stayed with him, he came to me and cried saying they did not belong there; they belonged here. H said that it was “terrible” going out to dinner with them because of the empty spot where I should have been.
H also came for New Year’s and stayed. I had planned a weekend trip as Christmas gift and was not sure if I was going to give it to him, but he’d opened my mail and saw it. H said he wanted to go.
The week of the trip he’d gotten a promotion, texted me right away and was really happy. He told me about some of the traveling he had to do and I said, “I’ll go with you,” and he said, “For sure!” That week he went out of town for work, and we were going to leave when he got back for our trip (his xmas present). I did not hear from him while away, then he sent me a text the night before we were to leave, “We need to talk.” He said he wasn’t going on the trip and wanted to proceed with the “separation” and to tell him how I want to divide things up. I canceled the trip and the next morning (a few hours after we should have left) he called me and said, in a very quiet voice, “We should have gone.” I told him I was taking the kids to the movies later, and he could come. He texted me all day, picked up pizza, we ate together and went to the movies. Things were starting to become more distant then, but he no longer talked about pursuing divorce. In February, we had a family trip planned (booked 3 weeks before bd). He said we should cancel. I told him, no way am I taking it away from the kids. He can go or stay, but we were going. He decided the week before (texted me and kids) “I’ll go!” Then over the next few days began raging at me saying I was pressuring him and I was not giving him a choice about going. It was CRAZY! I was not dealing with any sort of a rational person. He went at the last minute. We had a decent time. Every night there, he would go into his room at 8PM and lock the door. He did not have a TV in his room in the condo. He would not come out until the next morning. Twice he left in the car by himself. It was weird, but I was trying to give him the space he asked for months prior and not make him feel “pressure.”
When we got back, he was SUPER nice the next two days, then asked for a favor (writing something for him for work- which he always asks me to do). Then when I was working on it, it got weird again. He could hardly utter a “thank you” but sent a text before I finished “I appreciate everything you have done for me.” I did not hear from him for two days. Then he sent a text, “I made an appointment to meet with a mediator.” Since then, we have finalized a separation agreement. He monstered through EVERY conversation we had, even though I really didn’t ask for anything outside of child support. He just turned into a very crazy, out of control man. However, when not talking about d, we were fine and still sat together at kids games/events.
He filed for divorce and called me while he was in the lawyer’s office for the kid’s ss#s. I told him and said “Have fun” and hung up. He called me later to ask why I hung up so quickly. Seriously??
I’ve left him alone. I was hoping that he would just get this divorce he was adamant to have and feel less pressure then realize that what he’d done. I didn’t really argue with him this whole time. I’ve had my moments, but have really improved on not taking his bait.
About 2 weeks ago, I was going away with the kids. He texted me, “Have a safe trip.” When I got back, (kids were staying the week with family), he called me the next morning at work to tell me that he has been “seeing someone” since March (total LIE!!!!!) and that she is pregnant! OMG- holy-of-control! WHAT?? HOW? I asked him how, bc he can’t, and he said he has to take her work for it. It was a 3 min conversation. He asked if I knew because of my reaction. I was stunned! I hung up. He texted me, “I’m sorry.” An hour later: “I’m sorry for all I put you through.” Later that night: “are you ok”. (Its funny I can tell he was with her bc the text was so rushed when ususlly he uses punctuation, etc. and now he only texts or calls during work hours.)
He called the next morning, from work. I still hadn’t responded. I waited a couple days- didn’t know what to say! Then I called. We talked for an hour. He really didn’t say anything. He will not tell me her name. I guessed “W”, he said yes, how do you know? I said that’s the name on your phone in September. He said it wasn’t her. I ended up going off. Telling him he really f’ed up. He will never be able to trust her bc she’s a hww. They will never work out. She does not give a f about his kids because she put herself before them. She was going to take away their vacation and he was too bc she did not want h to go. It was nuts. He did not say anything. I told him we weren’t even divorced and she is 4 months pregnant…? He said he’d heard from lawyer that week about finalizing divorce. I said well then aren’t you relieved, you are finally divorced and rid of me (still not final), and he quietly said, “Its not a relief.
Then I said, “H, Good bye, my husband. Good bye, my best friend.” He got really choked up and couldn’t talk. He whispered, “I gotta go.” I said, “Bye, I love you.” (can’t believe I said that!) H barely verbalized, “Bye.”
Then I found out they bought a house together! It’s in both of their names. I can’t believe this. I did not even know she existed, and they have a house together with her toddler and baby on the way. It is very difficult to wrap your head around the fact that your husband has replaced your family when you didn’t even realize it! It’s one thing to think about him starting to date, but he is in this whole relationship playing house!
He told the kids a few days ago about ow/preg/living arrangements. They freaked! Their beautiful home is NOT FAR FROM ME!!! and have been living in it for a few weeks!!!! She is in her 20’s, has a 2 year old, and works with him. Here are weird things about the (most current) sitch: • He said she’s due in December, and just turned 3 months. Mathematically it does not work out, and he gets really weird when you say she is 4 months, which, clearly she is if due in Dec. • When kids asked how shes preg, bc he had vasectomy (they did not know he reversed), he responded, “Who told you that? That’s not true.” • He told the kids, “I’m a grown man; I can do whatever I want to do.” Classy • I asked if she was divorced. He said yes. I said, well it must be recently, she has a 2 year old. He said, “No, she’s never been married.” What?????? • Bought expensive home, still leasing apartment (moved 3 times since December), all our stuff is still in his name, now 2 houses (just sold all the rental units), pool, cars (including new Cadillac he got in October, child support. I don’t know how he’s pulling this off! • I can tell SHE is calling the shots. It is so out of character for him- a control freak! • D asked him if he would be with her forever. H replied, “Yes, definitely.” • Don’t think he is happy about preg
We have been together for 19 years, since high school.
H comes from a childhood of abandonment/abuse. His father cheated and he caught him! He never dealt with it. He easily shuts people out of his life. I never thought I’d be me.
Sorry that you find yourself on here. You won't find a better group of individuals who will try to get your M back on track. Can you tell us how old you and your H are?
Have you actually read the DB or DR books?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well Mighty, welcome. I echo Mr B's comment and questions.
I suspect you're in the right forum as well.
If you haven't yet, you may want to read some of Cadet's links. They can be really helpful.
Can I say you have so far handled things really well? I know how crushing and devastating what you describe can be. Most of us here can.
Read up - it's helpful.
What was it you weren't sure about doing?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
A) Obviously he was having an affair the whole time - don't let him gaslight you on this, your instincts are right on.
B) I wish you'd been more aggressive with the property settlement in the divorce, but what's done is done. Do whatever you can to protect yourself and the kids financially now. You should have a life insurance policy on your ex to cover child support if he dies.
C) Clearly depression and stress led to this, and he's obviously ambivalent about where he ended up. It's entirely possible he may come back to you at some point, but you need to figure out first what's acceptable to you. If you're not down for helping to raise his child with another woman, just get on up and move ahead in your own life.
D) Possibly not his child - although given his reversal, it's not COMPLETELY impossible that it's his. Such things do happen. But either you or preferably some friend or family member of his should encourage a paternity test once the baby is born.
E) Your priority right now is YOUR LIFE and YOUR KIDS. Don't waste too much time on your ex. It's sad but he's made his bed, you can't protect him from his bad choices, but what you CAN do is show your kids what a resilient self-confident woman can do with her life. Dream big dreams, take care of yourself, get a new hairdo, take up a new hobby, start a new side business, write a book, skydive - whatever. Figure out something you've always wanted to do, maybe something you couldn't do in the context of your marriage, and dive into it. Read books on budgeting and personal finance so that you can do the most with your kids with what you have.
In my case, when my H of 24 years left, I learned to play the drums and joined a punk rock cover band. I still play drums with them 5 years later, and this year I played vibraphone at SXSW with a friend's band. When I retire from my day job in a few years I expect to play even more! My adult children are still wrapping their heads around the idea that mom is rockin' more than they are, but they love seeing that I didn't let the divorce grind me to a stop - and that seems to help them with their adjustment too. (Oh, and now I have a very sexy handsome tall boyfriend who is 8 years younger and looks like Seal without the scars ).
MrBond, I'm 37 and my h is 36. Been together since 17. Have 17 &13 year old. I have read DR, and this forum faithfully.
AJM, Thanks. I'm OK. I'm really in shock. It was a VERY long and tough winter. I was just staring to do better and have the fog lift when I was smacked back to square one. I am, however, much stronger this time. I just feel so sick about it. I'm just not sure where my feelings are at this time. I love my husband very much. We had, what I thought, was an unbreakable marriage. He was my best friend. I knew I would stand for him and that we were meant to be. But this.... I just don't know. I mean, I don't really know that he's happy. And now he has been trying to reach out a little this week. It's all so new and I'm not sure how to react/respond. I just don't know. I'm numb.
KML- You are so spot on. And I love that you are rockin' now! What an inspiration!!
Thanks, guys, for taking the time to read and respond.
I guess at this much I am pretty much dark. It was so weird how it "ended." Up to this point, we still remained very friendly (outside of Monster, which I learned how to handle for the most part).
That one phone conversation just changed everything... well obviously. There was no communication for about a week and a half. Then he texted me, "How are you doing?" then, "And the kids?" I didn't respond.
I had to have forms fill out about the house, so I mailed them to his house with a note to please fill out. It was so weird sending to that house where he lives with her!
I also had to have him fill out form for switching car over. They would not send to me, need him to call. I had them call him and leave message, because at this point I am avoiding contact.
I saw him the next day at d's game. I walked past and didn't even look. He talked to d, and I just kept walking. The next day he dropped off mail (with no warning of coming- he called d to let her know when he was 2 seconds away), and gave it to d. Then he sent a text yesterday about taxes. Just a random and unnecessary text where he is trying to help me.
Since this bd, he now seems to have more interest in things here. He texts the kids ALL DAY LONG and night! For the last few months, he was so wrapped up in OW (we didn't know what he was doing, but apparent now). I can't imagine he has that much focus on her since he is texting my kids so much. D really does not respond. S does.
Now he wants to take them away on a road trip. UGH! He is so manipulating.
Thanks. I'm OK. I'm really in shock. It was a VERY long and tough winter. I was just staring to do better and have the fog lift when I was smacked back to square one. I am, however, much stronger this time. I just feel so sick about it. I'm just not sure where my feelings are at this time. I love my husband very much. We had, what I thought, was an unbreakable marriage. He was my best friend. I knew I would stand for him and that we were meant to be. But this.... I just don't know. I mean, I don't really know that he's happy. And now he has been trying to reach out a little this week. It's all so new and I'm not sure how to react/respond. I just don't know. I'm numb.
Of course you're numb. Who wouldn't be in that situation??
And it's not abnormal to be making progress and then get smacked back to the start or somewhere else on the game board. That's pretty normal in these situations.
From the sound of it, he's not doing much better. Your assessment of his not being so focused on her nor very happy are likely very accurate.
If you haven't noticed, normal doesn't apply to him right now.
The question will be what you do, not what he does or doesn't do. He is in his own world.
If it's one thing I've learned personally - if you sit still and don't actively try to find the answers, they'll come find you. By that, I mean that you not actively try and figure things out with him. GAL as much as you can. If you don't feel like going out, go out with friends anyway. Take the kids, but stay active as much as you can. And if you haven't started exercising, it's a great way to relieve the stress. Like you, I was married to my HS sweetheart. She was about the same age at the time that journey began for me (37 -ish). I've since learned a great deal more than I wanted to about her actions and behaviors. And I stopped trying years and years ago
Post your thoughts. Vent. Stay active and GAL. It helps. I don't suggest dating any time soon. Not while you're still clarifying your thoughts and figuring out how things will work with the kids and while you decide if you're going to stand or not.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hey Cadet. Yes I have read all the links in your greeting. It is such a great way for newbies to start and to learn. I've gone back and reread over the months. I find that different things apply at different times, and there is more meaning, depending on the stage.
Venting (beware!):
I of course thought my h was one of the rare ones without ow. I am such a sucker. I guess I had my ears set to believe this- self preservation, maybe? The "believe nothing of what he says" is so true. I guess I applied it to what I wanted, like, he does not love me and does not want to be with me. Ahhhh... such a fool.
I'm not sure where this ow situation leaves me. I don't really know of any sitchs here that have ow becoming pregnant. And the fact that they ran out and got a house together... well, if he were to leave her, he would have that guilt. Maybe even more than leaving us! I wish he had just stayed at his apt and figured things out. I think ow was living with her mom and her mom's boyfriend in a tiny house with her and her toddler. Not enough room for another one.
Wow, he though he was doing the right thing, being the stand-up guy by getting a house. Duh- you already have a house with a wife and kids.... um.... hello????
But at this point, he's the knight in shining armor. She is a mere 20-somethings, single mom. He is successful, handsome, has power in his position (she works there and is obviously attracted to that), drives a nice car.. blah, blah, blah... now buying a house for her and her babies.... blah, blah, blah...
Ok, gotta go be productive. Gonna finish dry walling the upstairs... was left with some serious renovations!
Something to keep in mind though - you are not and have not been a fool. We've all been in your shoes and have done similar. The MLCr hides things very well. They know you and know how to hide things from you. Very adept at it. It may be that you want to let that go, yeah?
If you had thought it, your actions would have been different for sure. But then, you might be the one that left if you were capable of thinking like that in the first place. And you'd be the crazy, delusional, paranoid one. I don't wish that on anybody.
Drywall? Rock it!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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