Starsky says it worked for him (& I believe him) but there are 2 things you must remember:
1) he also worked on himself, big time, AND his wife had seen that and
2) he's not typical.
Starsky can speak for himself.
I have THOUSANDS of posts from my own sitch, which I link here from time to time and also provide any time anyone asks for them. I have ALWAYS advocated doing BOTH the "strong stand" thing AND the "clean up your own side of the street" thing, and my posting history and philosophy is extremely consistent in that regard. I have a limited amount of time during a very busy life to still post here, and I do so by trying to provide whatever voice I think might be missing from someone's thread, and also what I think fits their particular situation.
Since Sho's very first post (and many subsequent ones) talked at great length about all of his own positive changes and things he'd been doing to "clean up his side of the street," and since the affair discovery was recent and since HE HIMSELF said it has caused him to change HIS goals, and HIS boundaries, that's what I have focused on.
Secondly, the "unique" thing just makes me laugh 25, it really does. Because however you feel about exposure (and reasonable people can and do disagree on it), it's HARDLY some sort of crazy "outlier" in the infidelity research and counseling field. I'd say that most (certainly at least half) of the leading people in the field (Harley, Spring, McGraw, Tupy, others) advocate it, and it's not an exaggeration to say that literally THOUSANDS (probably tens of thousands?) of marriages have been saved by programs that include exposure.
I don't advocate it here out of respect for MWD, with whom I respectfully disagree, but it's her site and I am here (as we all are) as her guest. When asked, I give an honest answer of what worked for me, and will continue to do so, but I usually include a "this is not DB teaching" just to be clear, as you know.
But to make my successfully reconciled marriage some sort of "lucky" outlier is just laughable, and -- frankly -- insulting. I could name a dozen more more folks just from this forum alone who have advocated it and used it successfully.
I honestly don't know why you have such a touchy spot on the whole "shaming" thing (and absolutely NOTHING in Sho's posts thus far presented any sort of attitude that even smacked one iota of vindictiveness or anything of the sort???), but it's obviously setting you off.
That's your issue, not mine.
And with that, I'll stop hijacking Sho's thread. I'll post a link to my sitch again, Sho, and you can ask me anything you want there or here, as it's your thread.
Once she ends this A, we can go back to repairing our R.
BINGO.
Physiologically, she's going to be emotionally blocked off to you anyway as long as she is in contact with OM. (Google "PEAs endorphines brain love lust" and read some of what it returns).
It's also best for your self-esteem and self-protection.
It's ALSO best for your wife to see that there are boundaries her husband believes in, that -- if crossed -- are dealbreakers for him. There is a COMFORT in that, and my wife told me after we reconciled that she respected my tough stance and how I fought for our marriage and our family. She said it was "comforting" (altho she was P*SSED at the time) to know that I had values and things that were non-negotiable, and that I was willing to fight for them.
(And just FWIW, sho, I took the soft/be-the-cheating-spouse's-BFF stance the FIRST time my H cheated, in 2005. Clearly, it didn't work. Obviously, I'm only a few months into THIS round of piecing. But my H has told me that my "confidence" is what drew him back home this time. He's even told me that the strong stance I took irritated the snot outta him at the time but that he actually respects me more for fighting for him and our family. Just remember to do what works for you and your family.)
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Lucky? I think Starsky has some of the best advice out there. Why? Because it works. Sho, do not be the doormat. If you want to take the "be the better man" approach, make sure you are doing it for YOU!
I wanted to go back to this, from your other thread, Sho because it brings up something I wanted to note (and no, it's not the nice things that Shocked said about me, lol).
I think WHICHEVER tack you take, you have to check your motives. Frankly, I've seen far less people who came across as being vindictive or in any way desiring of "shaming" their wayward spouse than I have of people who say they're taking the more passive, "standing" approach out of some sort of pious, unconditional love when in reality their threads just OOZE fear, co-dependence and did I say fear?
We ALWAYS need to check our motives, because the truth is that us flawed humans will rarely seek the tougher road, and we'll often try to rationalize our decisions and cloak them in some sort of rationale that's much higher and mightier than what it really is.
(And just FWIW, sho, I took the soft/be-the-cheating-spouse's-BFF stance the FIRST time my H cheated, in 2005. Clearly, it didn't work. Obviously, I'm only a few months into THIS round of piecing. But my H has told me that my "confidence" is what drew him back home this time. He's even told me that the strong stance I took irritated the snot outta him at the time but that he actually respects me more for fighting for him and our family. Just remember to do what works for you and your family.)
Wait, I thought "Do what works" was the very heart of DBing???
Starsky there's nothing to be insulted by in my post, vis a vis you.
Come on, I think we both know that. (But no, I don't want to debate it).
I specifically mentioned what I most appreciate that you usually do (always?) which is -you make it clear that you're respecting MWD's site and therefore not pushing your own agenda- but that this "way" worked for you.
True, Sometimes I get the feeling you want to push your approach a lot more, but unless I have you confused with someone else who did that, and got deleted, you have refrained from pushing it. You state that it's not her way; it simply is another approach and it worked for you.
You're right in saying we can agree to disagree, but I want to stress that I really do try to follow THIS site's philosophy. I don't raise other approaches here and then go into why THEY are better.
-And you stress the cleaning your own room first as well, which CAN easily get lost around here. There have been people here who jump on the affair bandwagon as soon as they learn of it even if just prior to that discovery, they own up to the fact that oops, maybe they've been lousy partners. The wife who wouldn't sleep with her h for yearS, took ownership of her part in things and THEN discovered an affair and "forgot" about her issues and blasted her 'cheating h" all the way to Timbuktu.
I gave the exact example of the type of behavior that I saw in a personal situation (the FB page for the high school class) & that type of action is what I believe is SO NOT helpful.
I have seen that happen here but I didn't want to get personal about it for obvious reasons, and so, I used a real life (but not identifiable) person's situation to illustrate that point. I stand by that example and the one I just mentioned about the SSM and the A.
But it's not sho's thread I was commenting on, (it is - but it was not the one aimed for) and so I'll go to the correct one. I think it threw people off --and that's on me.
Mea culpa.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I hope you have a lotta time, lol. If you want to cut to the meat, it was May 2007 when I discovered my wife's affair, and three months later when it ended and we began to reconcile.
