WAW having an A but she denies it #2

[Starsky309]

. I need to show her that I am not controlling. That seems to be her #1 concern . . .

WRONG.

You are no longer in the phase of addressing her concerns. The only thing you "need to show her" is a strong, confident man who refuses to live in an open marriage, who will not be played, and who is fighting for his family.

This is no longer "Plan A" time. You DID that, for 6-7 weeks. Did it cause her to end her affair?

[Train]

^^^.

That's the message I'm hoping you'll see when you read back through your thread, sho.

Being a strong, confident man does NOT mean pushing her for the truth or even ramming all this down her throat. Quite the opposite, actually.

[shodan]

Today was not a great day. I actually expected her to confess to the A. Her blatant lying bugged me. I should have walked away. We did talk for a while about what had been bugging her about her life. She hates the burbs and feels that she does not fit in here. She has fun and energy in NYC. She also told me again how controlling I am and that I make life not fun for her. She feels that she never had a voice in our R from the beginning. I know I have made mistakes but I am a better man she seems to think. She thinks my new way is BS and that I will revert to my old ways, like when I broke into her phone. She bought four very expensive concert tickets to tsar my daughter next weekend but she never mentioned buying four only the two for her and my D. I also did not see the charge hit our Amex card and found a new one in her wallet. I asked her about the four tickets and said as the father I should know. She took this as controlling her.

Today was a cannot win situation. She just needs a ton of space from me. Even when I said that was committed to the M and our family, she said that I was trying to control the situation.

I assume the advice will be to GAL, work on me for me, and detach. Would it be wrong to ask my wife that we just table all talk about jobs and M but do focus on the kids so they don't get hurt by this in the meantime? Or is that too controlling?

[shodan]

The other thing she said to me was she was mad that I did not text her back when she said she had landed and then texted me later to ask where we were. I told her that we were at the pond and that I did not have my phone on me. So she clearly thought that we would be there waiting for her to come home.

[Train]

More later, sho, but this is all standard behavior/speech for a cheating spouse. I'm pretty sure Starsky tried to warn and prepare you for it.

(Have you read back through your threads for all those little nuggets you've maybe forgotten?)

It's "script." And I've always said it's almost like they have a book for it somewhere that the waywards read. They all say the SAME things. It would be laughable. If it was funny.

[asat82]

Shodan, you are getting wonderful advice from everyone here, and I am taking as much of it as I can for myself. I understand that your brain is going back and forth and rambling and just reeling from pain right now, but you have to keep a strong and steady perception in all interactions with your wife, and then turn these into your reality.

Thank you for posting your story, it also gives me a lot of insight and a chance to follow some of the same advice. Stay strong.

~asat

[nit84]

Sho,

I feel for you Bud!!

My W is in about the same place as yours. I asked her about her A and she denies it also. Tries to deflect it away by talking about other men and women and asks me why it always comes down to the one particular OM.

I have told just a couple times that people are only relaying info to me about this OM not all the others.

I have asked my sources to stop telling things as I feel I have enough info and have let it go.

My W told me a couple weeks ago in a mad sorta way. "The first time you told me you loved me in a year was after the support hearing and while we were discussing or rather you were telling me I was having an A and if my family knew."

I asked if she wanted to know why I haven't said "I love you" and she said she didn't so I left it go.

I think maybe our WAW may be seeing some of our detachment and not liking it so much.

If I/you aren't getting mad at the things they do or we aren't moping around waiting for them then WAW try to turn it around on LBH and get upset to try and draw us in to an argument hoping we get mad and yell so they can justify their position which makes them all the more upset when this doesn't happen.

Starsky and Train, I have been called holier than thou almost every time we have a talk, which is about 7 times in 14 months, so it is definitely like WAW have a book that they memorize and spit out on the occasion of these chats.

Sho, hang in there you'll be fine!! I hope to also be the same at some point.

[Train]

Okay, a little more now ...

You know how MWD says "believe none of what you hear"?

I think what she's talking about is the spew ... but not the valid points your W is making.

But MWD also suggests NO relationship talks. Not right now. You don't want to add pressure to your W. It's only going to push her away, sho. And she'll come out swinging, with A LOT of venom. Much of it will be untrue.

My H told me at BD#1, for example, that he wasn't sure the baby I was carrying was his. He said I disgusted him. That he never loved me. In fact, that he HATED me.

He came home four months later.

Fast-forward to 2014, BD#2. He told me he wanted to run right before he married me. That he was never happy. That he came back in 2006 "out of convenience." Sho, he even mentioned signing over paternal rights to our CHILDREN!!!!! He is, hands-down, THE most loving, hands-on, doting father I *KNOW*. My chin was on.the.floor. I cannot begin to TELL you who that man was!

Anddddd ... he came home two months later.

They have LOADS of built-up resentment and anger. And the OP makes them feel special. That relationship is new and invigorating and exciting. (Kinda like NYC, eh? ) It's also - until exposure - a secret and risky and exhilerating. When they're caught, they immediately may jump from showing guilt to anger to shame to confusion to entitlement. Or they may stick to just one of those. But I happen to believe they FEEL them ALL. (And, to be honest, I've only read of a few who are apologetic or show shame and guilt when first exposed. By far, the most I've read about start quite the opposite: the wayward lashes out and blames the LBS.) One thing they DON'T feel is love for us LBSs. And I know that's hard to swallow. But your W is an alien right now. Don't even TRY to get in that brain because you'll get it all.wrong.every.time if you do. Trust me. I tried. And failed. And learned.

I know you're right there in the thick of things. But we're sitting here on the outside. Starsky has witnessed hundreds - if not thousands - of people come onto these boards with the same story. The story doesn't change much from one couple to the next, sho, I promise. You MUST take that into consideration. Even when Starsky would give me advice that seemed to be completely OPPOSITE of what I would have *wanted* to do or *thought to have done* - and even though MY story felt unique to ME - his advice was the same for me as it was for allll the others with slight adjustments for my personal sitch when warranted. Because the stories are pretty much all the same. I happen to believe that as long as there is love left somewhere deep down in the wayward spouse (and you did a helluva job building up deposits in W's Love Bank before you found out about the A, so you, again, *already* have a huge advantage that MOST of us didn't have), then the stories' outcomes can pretty much be the same, too.

But you're at a critical point. And you need to play those cards right. Little slip-ups won't make or break you. But *repeated* little slip-ups can.

You know something? I told my H maybe twice in two months that I would be willing to work on our M if he ended his A. I felt, in the throes of everything, that I should be telling him that MORE, especially, I told myself, because H is soooooo forgetful! So SURELY he's different than all the other waywards and REALLY needs me to remind him of the things I said!

Not even close.

When he came home? His e-mail to his parents said, "Train had told me right off the bat that she would be willing to take me back and work on our M if I broke things off with the OW."

He said, "right off the bat." As in, the NIGHT I confronted him about the A. He never forgot. He knew all along. And the time I *did* repeat it to him (because, I justified, I told him really late at night, and we were both so out of it because I just busted him), he quipped: "I already know that." He DID NOT want to hear that again. And I never repeated it. Learn from me and don't repeat it a second time. If you told her? She heard you.

Once you've had THAT discussion and put your boundaries in place, it's time to back.way.off. GAL. Try to detach yourself from her words and her actions.

This IS NOT going to be easy. You might have your nose rubbed in that A for as long as it takes for it to run its course. You're gonna have to have one helluva backbone, sho. But I think your actions (non-verbal) have the power to influence a lot.

Get used to "bad days" for a while.

You get to say when it's over. But, frankly, you're gonna hurt whether you're fighting or not. So if your W is a quality person, sit down, buckle up and tighten up the belt on the big-boy pants. Get ready for the fight of your life. (It'll be worth it in the end, no matter what.)

We're in your corner, sho.

[ShockedOne]

You know how MWD says "believe none of what you hear"?

I think what she's talking about is the spew ... but not the valid points your W is making.

No, it is more on the fact that cheaters lie. Believe nothing you hear, and only have of what you see.

[shodan]

Thanks for the honest feedback and pep talk. We left our convo with her insisting they were just friends and that they are commiserating with each other. Probably how it started obviously. I know she is lying but clearly my not believing her story set her off.

Last night, I went over to see some friends and came home around 9pm. She was in bed and did not really speak with me. After 10 min of me in bed with her. she took her book and slept downstairs on the couch. This morning, I saw her, said good morning and we chatted briefly about her and my day. I have work plans tonight, so I won't be home. I believe she will be in NYC Wed/Thr.

One thing that I know is that if we don't work on our R and M, and we do divorce with a lot of resentment and issues going unresolved, the kids will be hurt in the long run. They need two parents who can be parents together, even if they are divorced. Not parents with resentment towards each other. And we cannot work on that until she is honest with me and of course, drops the OM.

Not sure how I say that to her. I said most of that yesterday but not the point about our relationship post divorce. ANY ADVICE?

My goals for this week:
- find a therapist to help me with this M and my control issues
- speak with my DB coach today
- Find ways to GAL...I have seen some friends that past few nights, who have been super supportive. They said to come by whenever. It does help to chat with people about my sitch and just do something without her on my mind (tough to do)

I also need to get my mind ready for being a single/divorce parent. I need to detach from her.