What is "Living Life to the Fullest", Alex? #7

[Georgiabelle]

Last thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2471615&page=1

Thanks for the kind words as always, Job. Guys, I know I haven't seen movement with h, however I do feel I must be doing something right. My friends and h's family say they are amazed at how I am handling things and think I may be begin too nice. H's mom had some choice things to say about h and the way he behaved towards family on his birthday. I know it's not my sandbox, although I did say this is just where and who he is now. Accept that and it becomes much easier. I bet that's very difficult as a mom, though. I said that I'm just trying to do what's right (even though that confuses me sometimes:)H has some very serious issues that only he can resolve and I need to stay away from the crazy.

H was a no show this am. I texted to see if he was on his way and after not hearing from him (and already being late), I put D9 and s4 in the car (S11 is away). 20 minutes later he says he just saw text and would leave soon. I said we are already in the car. You know what? It just is what it is. No need to get upset. Take it for what it is. Regroup and move on. H isn't very responsible or reliable right now and that's the reality. Thanks for always reminding me of that Wonka and Job:)

My niece and brother come up this weekend as my brother has a visit with the transplant board. I'm going to dinner with a friend tomorrow night and my babysitter is going back to school for her MBA. How can she leave us??? I'm kidding.

Happy Friday eve! hoping for a good daily double!

[job]

Georgia,
You may not see movement physically, because it's on the emotional level...but there is work being done behind the scenes. It takes a lot of effort on his part and the man upstairs has a way of bringing their attention back around to their issues at some point.

Keep your expectations very near zero and you'll not be disappointed when he doesn't do the things that he should be doing.

You are doing great.

[artsy]

^^ this.

You're doing an amazing job, GB.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks ladies! I'm not sure how to describe what I feel today......very hopeful. About what? I'm not sure. Just all smiley and hopeful. Maybe it's the way I feel in my maxi dress.

I work in a high rise and I've found that when I say hi or smile at people on the way in the building, in the lobby, elevator, etcetera, gives me some swag in my step. I dunno. Guess I'll keep at it:-)

Happy Friday!

[2BHappy]

Hold onto your good feeling. And this weekend put on a Maxi dress I love them too.

I also feel great today for no other reason then I happy to be alive!! Thank GOD

[LoisB]

Georgia, I'm so glad you are feeling "fine" in your own skin today. Celebrate what an awesome woman you are!!!

Much Love,

Heather

[Mighty]

GB,
I've been reading some of your sitch. A lot of your story rings true to mine, also. My d13 commented, "What's dad think he's my boyfriend?" This was after she asked him to take her to the store to get something. He told her he felt like she was using him. Well, when he is acting her age, I can imagine it's how it makes her feel. Not that she has even really seen him for the past few months.

A comment on being friends with more boys than girls. I was always the same way. I assumed because I had brothers and not sisters. I was the only girl and the youngest. My older brothers taught me the school of hard-knocks. I was rough and tough tomboy, but a tiny blonde. I don't know, I just related to guys more.

I love your spirit. You have been doing a wonderful job. Don't worry about your moments of emotions- we are human! And our lives have taken a very sharp turn. Keep your head up and work that maxi!

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks 2B, Heather, and Mighty (I read your sitch and I'm do sorry you are here. It's a great place though:-). H's told me his daughter started following h on Twitter. I hopped out of the sandbox and said she's only 12 and cant see that stuff he posts. The f bomb constantly, saying he hates his coworkers, calls people horrible names, talks about sex with his gf, the p word. (Not the one that rhymes with hiss or Venus), etc. h's brother said he thinks she did because he didnt respond to her birthday text, etcetera and she want dl to know what's wrong with him. He said he would unfollow him for her. It's not appropriate for anyone-particularly kids.

Had a good day at the pool. Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.

[Wonka]

GB,

Oh no...my heart bleeds for D12. She's seeking H's attention through Twitter!?? How awful that it has to come down to this.
H is definitely on Planet MLC with no signs of abating the replay portion of it.

[Georgiabelle]

Wonka,

I'm sorry. It's h's niece and yes it's sad. I'm sorry if I insinuated it was my d. I see I left out a word in my previous post . Oops. I would pass out if my D started following h. As she knows it exists. H did call his niece out by name and said he was sorry he destroyed her illusions of a good childhood and h's gf chimed in that he was enhancing her childhood. I thought h would block a 12 yr old but I doubt it. That's why I mentioned to BIL. Just trying to protect the little people a bit.

I have friends who follow h for the entertainment. I realize that's probaybsad and wrong. I check periodically because I have no clue if he's on his medication. I can't ask and I know he drinks frequently now. The stuff he says is unbelievable. That's why I was worried about his niece.

[artsy]

GB, you handle things so well!!!

Thankfully, my H doesn't have social media (nor do I, except for professional reasons). I think I would be one who snooped, saw something horribly painful and then would get obsessed about it! Lol thankfully someone's looking out for me!!!

Glad you got to go to the pool!! Gotta get a tan for all your admirers!!!

[Georgiabelle]

You are so sweet Artsy:). I just put a gold star in your permanent record. You know it follows you everywhere.

[juliegayle]

Gb

Just checking in. Glad you are having a good weekend and keeping your spirit up!!!

[Georgiabelle]

I welcome any insight from Wonka, Job, Bea or anyone really as to something I've been think in about. I do realize that my crazy logical thinking doesn't work on insanity. However, a friend of mine mentioned something to me that I've been pondering.

H's girlfriend says she has rescued him and h says she saved him. Yet, he says he cannot stand to be alone. I realize there is no answer to the unanswerable, however, is this just distraction? She rescued him from responsibilities? Fatherhood? Does someone going through MLC really think they get a do over on their life? It's my crazy analytical mind:-) No, it doesn't change anything I do. Just think it's odd that they sort of erase the past and dive right into something else.

Hope the week is off to a good start.

[beatrice]

Just think it's odd that they sort of erase the past and dive right into something else.

Yes, it is odd and yes that is what they do! Some of them come out - Raine and TVS, others stay in (my xh job, Urworthy etc)

I do not think it is anything we do - although my admiration for those who renegotiate their marriage is immense.

I also think there are the mean ones and the kitty kitten ones - but whatever their words, their actions, in abandoning their previous life, children pets, responsibilities etc., are not nice!

[Shining]

Hi, GB,

I'm new here, but wanted to pop in and let you know how I admire the way you have handled things. We have a lot of similarities in our sitches.

My H family and my own, are all very supportive toward me, and appalled at H behavior. They think I'm too nice as well.

I think the school of DB is a completely foreign concept to many. But it has worked for me, so far....

[TSquared2]

Does someone going through MLC really think they get a do over on their life?

Based on my W, it appears they do, or try to believe that, or that is what they want.

As a big analyzer myself, all you can really do is put everything into the "hypothesis" category, until they/if they come out and have insight into themselves and can talk about it.

My W is getting to that stage, some. But she still "has to go find herself".

As job says "The answers will come"...

[Wonka]

GB,

I will share here what I know based on my own experience as a former MLCer.

H's girlfriend says she has rescued him and h says she saved him. Yet, he says he cannot stand to be alone. I realize there is no answer to the unanswerable, however, is this just distraction? She rescued him from responsibilities? Fatherhood?

With my OW, she was just there/available for the taking. In your H's case, if I remember correctly, he had a very bad meltdown via Twitter when he cried that he just wanted someone to love him. It is the internal angst of someone who's in a ton of pain.

Cue OW for H. As you would remember from reading around here, a lot of the times, those types of OWs are broken people themselves. So for a 18-year old college student, I'd say that she's not yet developed a life experience. In my view, H just grabbed whoever wanted him which is why a lot of the times those A's are "affaired down" affairs (ooohhh..what a play on that word!)

What H does not YET realize is that OW did not save him...but HE needs to save himself. Obviously, he's not yet there at the moment. Not by a long shot given his crazy-making antics.

Does someone going through MLC really think they get a do over on their life?

Yep. We're seeking something that will boost our fragile sense of self. Remember when I shared that I felt I had accomplished nothing, felt gypped that this is what life had to offer me, and feeling squeezed from all corners in our day-to-day responsibilities after buying the house.

So yes, in a way...we're trying to recreate the ideal "life" inside our heads thereby seeking out external relief from our own internal misery.

You are right that it isn't fun to be a MLCer going through MLC. Starring in your own Dante's Inferno...and you're the star of the play. Geeesh!

Bea, you're right that we weren't nice at all in dumping you and the family when the MLC chit hit us. I feel extremely lucky to be one of the few ones who made it through to the other side.

[Mighty]

Well I was thinking that some people who don't come out of it may be those who are weaker of character? I know that many in mlc act cowardly in their actions and not facing things, but do you think the core self, the ones with real internal strength are the ones who eventually go through? I wonder if those who never experienced any real stability or role-models growing up are those who don't have the capacity to make it through? I really have no idea... just pondering.

So, Wonka, how do you think you can tell the difference between those with real internal angst who seek ow, or those who have ow ready and willing? Do you think there is a combination of both sometimes?

Just thinking "out loud"- through my fingers...

[Mighty]

Let me clarify... by weaker character, meaning that they never really had the tools to face things and work through them. So this mlc, which we all know is a crisis, may be too much for those who don't know how to deal with those emotions/issues. This may be why some just wander around not even know what is going on or how to deal, while other may have been more equipped.

Maybe I just need more sleep.

Yes, I agree- they are definitely trying to start over. Wow! Amazing to think it could be so easy?!

[beatrice]

Mighty - I agree with you

There are some common patterns with those who have MLC. most of them had inadequate childhoods, and at least one emotionally unavailable parent (usually two as one loving parent is enough) This gives rise to a lot of problems. Their coping skills are focused on surviving emotionally as children and they usually fail to develop the flexibility of character to cope with the big stuff life throws at them further down the line.

Paradoxically they can appear to be very upright and good people pre-MLC That is their coping strategy, to be 'good' Then it doesn't work any more. Others here have a history of drug use and over-drinking as strategies, and some are revealed to have had a string of affairs.

Whatever it is, the coping mechanism no longer works, and they reject their former life and plunge towards a saviour.

I think it is the more rigid characters who remain stuck in MLC: those who say, at any point, 'is there something the matter with ME' may be the ones who come through it all.

This isn't the whole MLC story, but it is a short narrative which might help.

[artsy]

^^^^^^ yes!

My H recognizes his mom's coldness is an issue with HIM as an adult. He even called himself "too needy" shortly after BD #2.

(He recalls vividly when she was leaving the house in a hurry one day. She backed over and killed the dog. She rushed inside and yelled : "someone come get the dog- I killed it. I'm running late to work!)

Whoa.

Keep being a fabulous mom, GB! It's the most important thing we can do, I think!

[Ggrass]

My h mum is cold to emotion, except she hugs, goodbye and hello.

She buried her best mate of 40+ years " it's just another day and its a part of life " with nil nada blank emotion even cold could have been said of her. She was completely shut down, the talk was even far removed from normal. It was bizarre looking in from outside.

[juliegayle]

Gb I am there with you. I find it so hard to wrap my head around the fact that h thinks it is so easy to move on.

My h and OW used the same words. I broke him. She is going to fix him. She saved him. Notice how there is no action on h's part. He is a non-participant in his life.

I know from experience that the allure of being a savior can be powetful. I met h a year after his divorce from w1. I believed what he said about her. She never believed in him. She beat him down. Blah blah blah. At the time I didn't know anything about codependent relationship.

I find it odd that OW kicked her h out many years ago for his drinking and now is with h and believes him when he says he only drinks because of me and will stop for her. Clearly she is just as deluded as him. And she admits that h is in mlc. What does she think that makes her.

In your case I don't know if gf is deluded/blinded... she is just not developed yet. She doesn't have enough life experience to really see what is in front of her.

Your attitude and positive thinking will help you and the kids come out the other side of this ok.

Wonka it was helpful to read your perspective . It sheds light on some very confusing things.

[Wonka]

Good discussion here indeed!

So, Wonka, how do you think you can tell the difference between those with real internal angst who seek ow, or those who have ow ready and willing? Do you think there is a combination of both sometimes?

None. All MLCers experience internal angst in some fashion and how it's externally expressed is very individualistic to each MLCer.

It doesn't matter if they have OW ready and willing or seek them out. This is just simply semantics. The outcome is the same however you slice it: Acquiring OW/OM.

There are some common patterns with those who have MLC. most of them had inadequate childhoods, and at least one emotionally unavailable parent (usually two as one loving parent is enough) This gives rise to a lot of problems. Their coping skills are focused on surviving emotionally as children and they usually fail to develop the flexibility of character to cope with the big stuff life throws at them further down the line.

It is not always that case. In my situation, I felt powerless, helpless, and deeply wounded when my parents divorced at the age of 11. It was an acrimonious divorce in which I had a front seat to some of the nasty stuff that tore me apart emotionally.

At the onset of my MLC, my coping skills began to break down imperceptibly and then its a downward spiral from that point and on until I began to come out of the fog in starting the reintegration process. I was a kitty kitten MLCer and I think a lot of the kitty kitten MLCers do get to the other side quite successfully.

I have yet to see a Jekyll/Hyde MLCer to come out of this process to the other side. I think they're too stuck, too angry at the world, and too self-righteous to even contemplate on undergoing some introspection. Oh my! That would turn their "reason" for leaving upside down and they'd have to admit that they're wrong. Nope. Not happening. Their ego-filled pride prevents them from doing so. Unfortunately.

[beatrice]

Wonka - I did say that the inadequate parenting isn't a universal! And interestingly (and sadly) you did have a late childhood trauma (divorce) that impaired your coping skills.

I believe most people who have a MLc have poor coping skills, usually from their childhood, one way or another.

I do know one poster who had a pretty mean MLCer who worked though it - however he wasn't mean for a very long period.

I think the very mean ones have particularly bad coping skills

[Ssarah]

H's girlfriend says she has rescued him and h says she saved him. Yet, he says he cannot stand to be alone. I realize there is no answer to the unanswerable, however, is this just distraction? She rescued him from responsibilities? Fatherhood? Does someone going through MLC really think they get a do over on their life?

Apparently, as that has been the going theme from my H. He has said time and time again how he needs to "wipe the slate clean" and "needs a fresh start". He has to start from scratch and that's why the D is so detremental.. he needs it NOW. The OW in my case is exactly that.. someone to "rescue him" from the responsibilities a husband and father typically have. She is the polar opposite of me. Divorced, no kids, financially and I'm sure in other ways irresponsible (did a background check which revealed numerous liens and judgments against her). So she is nothing but a good time since nothing phases her. No ounce of responsibility necessary when hangin' with her, yet he comes home and there's bills that need to be paid, kids that need to be raised, a house that needs to be kept. Who wants that when you can just press a button and it all goes away and all that's left is fun!

[juliegayle]

I find this discussion very interesting. I do find Wonka's evaluation of who can make it out the other side sad ad my h is definitely one of the mean ones. It does fit however as he has very poor coping skills and began drinking and using drugs in early teens. When things got very stressful that is what he returned to.

[Ssarah]

I have yet to see a Jekyll/Hyde MLCer to come out of this process to the other side. I think they're too stuck, too angry at the world, and too self-righteous to even contemplate on undergoing some introspection. Oh my! That would turn their "reason" for leaving upside down and they'd have to admit that they're wrong. Nope. Not happening. Their ego-filled pride prevents them from doing so. Unfortunately.

Deep down I fear that this is my H. He is too prideful to admit he's wrong. I wonder what category my MLCer falls in, the Jekyll/Hyde, the meek or somewhere in between. He definitely was Jekylle and Hyde after BD, and now has mellowed out but I'm so early on that I'm not sure what he'll remain as.

One thing I do wonder about Wonka is the MLCer that flip flop with what they want vs. those that remain consistent with their desire to go. So far in every reconciliation story I've read the MLCer has expressed verbally some form of doubt or confusion as to what they want. They have all said to their W in some form or another that they need time or need to figure things out. The one thing H has been consistent with is only "speaking" about his need to leave but never "speaking" about confusion or uncertainty. He has expressed those thoughts through his actions(#1 sign is hiring an atty 2 months ago but still not filing) but has yet to say those words. Not sure if anyone in his state has ever come out to the other side.

[Shining]

This is a great thread.

Knowing there isn’t anything we LBS can do to “fix” them, it is still helpful to recognize the coping skills that were not learned early on. Then we can bring that knowledge to ourselves, and inventory our own coping skills. Also, try to do better for our kids for their futures.

My kids are S17, S17, S15 and D13. Old enough to know too much, but too young to have to.

My S17, was the lucky guy that had to walk police officers into the MB where H was passed out after an OD/ suicide attempt. S17 can’t unsee that.

The kids have asked me things like, “Why does this happen to people?” and (scarier) “Will this happen to me?”

I tell them I certainly hope not. They all see IC, but there isn't any guarantee that it will be enough.

I think the thing for me, is to have the awareness that I must continue to teach my kids where their happiness is found, inside. Be an example through this crisis, that we can cope, and we will be happy, regardless of external circumstances.

I am teaching them not to confuse “pleasure” with “happiness”. Pleasure is put on, temporary. Fleeting. Happiness is a state of being.

I'm teaching them to recognize the signs of depression, which can be vastly different in men than commonly thought. And to remember to never be ashamed to ask for help.

[TL72*]

great discussion over here! just wanted to pop in and say hi GB- hope you're doing well - I like your attitude and I think you're handling things very well, you're right - it is what it is and no sense in letting it drag you down. Take care!

[Mighty]

I have yet to see a Jekyll/Hyde MLCer to come out of this process to the other side. I think they're too stuck, too angry at the world, and too self-righteous to even contemplate on undergoing some introspection. Oh my! That would turn their "reason" for leaving upside down and they'd have to admit that they're wrong. Nope. Not happening. Their ego-filled pride prevents them from doing so. Unfortunately.

Deep down I fear that this is my H. He is too prideful to admit he's wrong. I wonder what category my MLCer falls in, the Jekyll/Hyde, the meek or somewhere in between. He definitely was Jekylle and Hyde after BD, and now has mellowed out but I'm so early on that I'm not sure what he'll remain as.

One thing I do wonder about Wonka is the MLCer that flip flop with what they want vs. those that remain consistent with their desire to go. So far in every reconciliation story I've read the MLCer has expressed verbally some form of doubt or confusion as to what they want. They have all said to their W in some form or another that they need time or need to figure things out. The one thing H has been consistent with is only "speaking" about his need to leave but never "speaking" about confusion or uncertainty. He has expressed those thoughts through his actions(#1 sign is hiring an atty 2 months ago but still not filing) but has yet to say those words. Not sure if anyone in his state has ever come out to the other side.

Ssarah, I experienced the same thing with my h. The same behaviors, totally. He would get so emotional and upset at the idea of us "ending" but would say, "I gotta go" and run out of here so quickly. It was like something took over him and he wouldn't let himself feel. Something was definitely pulling him away (and now we know what-or whom!)
He has, over the years, shown some anger. I believe it was the depression turned inward, and the hurt expressed as anger (the way Terrance Real describes), but after he moved out, it was monster. Monster was different. After monster, he would call the next day and apologize. He would be very quiet and soft-spoken. There would only be an apology- no explanation of anything. Then usually we would just talk normally or as friends.

[Georgiabelle]

I'm happy this thread is so lively! This is a great discussion and I appreciate everyone's comments and insight. It is very enlightening.

Wonka- as always, thank you so much for sharing your expertise and personal journey. I adore you and have done a pirouette in your honor:) Yes, h had an epic breakdown in Twitter and college vet student said she would save him. Their R started up hot and heavy about a week after that. Right after moving out, h kept saying he "had to keep pushing forward", "no backsliding" and "burn all the bridges". H met with 2 therapist and both said he had exactly zero coping skills. And even though he is completely off the rails and does ridiculous caca- I actually believe that way down deep inside he still loves me. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking that.

Julie- I could have written your post. I too met my h about a year after his divorce and I can't quite describe how I saw him. I thought he was very funny and the most sensitive person I had ever met. I could tell he was upset about his D, however my friends kept telling me what a great guy he was and not to let him get away. I never saw myself as saving him, however, I did think I could help *fix* him. H has great parents (he thinks so too) and always felt inferior to his older brother as he struggled with a severe learning disability and was held back twice in school. He would still break down and cry when recalling that and you could tell he did not deal with stuff.

T-Squared(I love your name)- you are right. The answers will come. Regardless of the outcome

In regards to people dealing with their path of destruction, I can't imagine my h ever admitting it. I can imagine him carrying it around and pushing it down like he does everything else. I know miracles happen although I simply cannot fathom him ever thinking he could have done things differently. It doesn't matter as it changed nothing that I do. Sometimes, I wonder if an incredibly sensitive person could ever * really* deal with their actions. Who knows?

I read and sometimes chuckle at the ongoing argument of people wanting to assign a MLC label. I hear some think reconciliation is higher and some say that the LBS doesn't have to take responsibility. I'm flawed. I've made changes that I'm happy with. I was not perfect in my M and it was not my top priority. I never thought in a zillion years my h would leave. Was I wrong! I will not take things for granted and am grateful for so many good people and things in my life. I'm not sure why on earth why giving it that particular moniker would make one feel better. Every male who has witnessed some of our sitch has said that h is very obviously going thru MLC. Only one friend says OW loves him the way he wants to be loved. I consider myself intelligent and I have no idea wtf that means. She's in college, has no job, no kids, exchanges over 100 texts a day with him, plays video games with him and gets drunk with him by the pool. As I've stated before, I can't compete with that. I can't show him what he's missing because he doesn't want it-it being kids, responsibilities, a wife who isn't that kind of fun, etc. And I've finally accepted that's okay. I love my kids. I wouldn't trade them for the world. H says his life has been on hold for the last 12 years. Those are his feelings and his alone. My h that I loved is gone and while that still makes me sad, I'm okay.

Sorry for the novel. I'm waiting for my son and felt wordy. Again, thanks for everyone's thoughts.

[Matt165]

Great discussion,
It may not be the OW that pulled him away. With my W she stayed a year after B-day. Every time things started to get a little bit better, she would find a way to pull away even more. I think she had gotten it into her head that running was the answer and when anything started to make her question that, it frightened her. She had committed herself to me and her 'bad marriage" being the cause of her pain and if it wasn't, what WAS the cause? Certainly NOT her or any "problem" she may have. She would say she tried so many things to fill the void in her life (being a stay at home mom, throwing herself into work when she went back, losing weight and getting in shape, etc.) but nothing worked so it MUST be me and our M! I think more then anything they use the OP to have someone there that will tell them what they are doing is justified, is the "right" thing to do, along with the high of being seen as desirable. They get little validation from friends and family for what they are doing. OP becomes the one that "gets" them and they can now say they aren't alone in thinking what they are doing is just fine.

Just my thoughts.

[Georgiabelle]

S11 had a therapy appointment yesterday. He made boards of how mom makes him feel and one with how dad makes him feel. The c asked S11 if she could show me. I felt exactly like the Grinch (except I'm not Grinchy) when his heart grew 3 times. I was so happy for S that I make him feel loved and special. He is such an interesting, wonderful little boy. He is melt worthy:-). The board about his dad made me sad for him. However, I think I'm pretty detached and while I hate that S feels that way, I cannot interfere. I just remind him his dad loves him and when he says he acting weird, I say "yes, he is going through something."

H said he would watch s4 while S11 and I went to trivia. When h got there, s4 said "Daddy, I don't want to go with you. I want to stay with mommy." H literally smiles and says "oh okay " and starts to turn around. Hold up, h. I told s4 that I promised s11 we would do this and perhaps his dad would let him see the fish or the ducks. I told h he was very tired. H said, " so you think he will go to sleep soon?" I said "yes" and h said "oh that's good." I realize he thinks these kids are a downer.

Only to be topped by this morning's interaction. H has not taken them to school this week. I got the boys wireless walkie talkies. S4 asked me to play and I said I had to go to work. Shame on me. I said maybe your dad will at with them with you. H says" I no longer do this. I will not do this" when s4 asked him. I looked at s4 in his little Batman shirt, holding his elephant and sucking his thumb watching his dad. grandstand about not playing with the walkie talkies. I cannot believe this is the man I married and I've realized these kids are more mature than him. Sad. However, he won't ruin our goodness.

I'm wearing this dress today that makes me feel like Kim Kardashian and while she is a very pretty lately, I feel very uncomfortable. No worries folks. It's not sheer-just snug in the trunk.

We loved having my brother, niece and niece's baby visit. We laughed and played Just Dance. My kids love them all very much. My brother had a good visit with the transplant board and is going to be fitted for a prosthetic in the next couple of weeks. Thanks to you all for kind thoughts.

Feel free to continue discussing what the MLCer is trying to escape from. Mine is trying to escape from reality:-)

[juliegayle]

So good to hear your bother is doing well.

I don't think I would have been able to hold in the tears if s made a board like that about me. You are clearly a wonderful mom!

[Ssarah]

I find the hardest times in all of this is when the MLCer is so cold and distant towards their little ones. Seeing S4 standing there with the walkie talkie asking to play would make even a stranger stop what their doing and engage.. but not the MLCer. They don't have the time, interest or care to. Glad that you didn't let him ruin your "goodness". You really are a great example of how detached we all should be. Now go rock your Kim Kardashian dress like you own the place!

[Matt165]

Hi Georgia,
"I no longer do this. I will not do this.", you must have wanted to shoot him down on the spot! How can someone look at their own child and say such a thing! So, what DOES he do for his kids now, anything? I had two girls and I would have loved to had a boy to do just those kind of things with. I had to play Barbies and dress up! I remember with my oldest I had to have different voices for each doll and if I didn't use the "right" voice she would get very cross and tell me I wasn't doing it right. Those are memories you can never get back once the time to make them has passed. What the heck has happened to these MLCers?

When my D14 was 10 and 11 she was into writing poetry. She was the youngest winner of a competition in a large city near where we live for kid poets. The winners were published in a book of "Young Bards" and recited the winning poems in front of a large crowd. She was and still is very good. Every once in a while I would find poems she had written about me, what a special dad I was, how loved she felt and my heart would melt. There is no greater "high" in the world then that feeling you get when you see "proof" that your kids love you and know how much you love them back. I'm sure it beats playing video games and drinking with some college hottie by the pool!

Of course a REAL man would rather be with someone who can pull off that dress, not some video playing college bimbo. Knock 'em dead, Georgiabelle!

[Mighty]

GB, sorry to hear your h is so checked out with your kids. It is so sad that they do this. It just shows how disconnected they are from their real emotions. I guess it can help us understand that their actions aren't really coming from their feelings? Because if they really were to be in-touch with their real, raw emotions, they wouldn't behave this way and hurt our kids. Lets just hope someday they can really take a good look at themselves.

Keep on trucking and filling those boys hearts 3 extra sizes. That's what they will remember- how good you made them feel.

[Ssarah]

Mighty, the MLCer really can make our heads spin. I guess that's why it's so important to detach, to not respond to their antics and moods. My H has mellowed out recently, but at the same time he is extremely distant, like a stranger living in our house. I try to stay clear at all times, keeping myself busy and away from him. It's the comings and goings that I can't seem to detach from. That's what I struggle with most.

[Mighty]

That must be so difficult with him in the house still. That was tough for me. Once he left, it was hard that he left, but detaching was easier.

[artsy]

GB,
I think you're on to something: we should start a reality show.

Our MLCers wouldn't watch it because they don't know what reality is!

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks everyone. This dress is not me!

Mighty, thanks for swinging by. H does not live in the house (I went against DB and reminded him that he said he was moving out because he was *drowning* and would be *dead soon* if he stayed. Plus, the kids were crying at his behavior. It was a mess ) He takes the kids to school 3 days a week as I have to leave early to pick them up every day. And to make matters more entertaining, this is h's childhood home that the kids and I live in. Yes, Matt. My h too has sad this is a "sad house".

I can't imagine treating kids the way h does. Again, I can't change it. I just focus on them and he has his own caca to deal with. Although, from all appearances, he continues to run. H said he just wants to run away but doesn't know where to go. Mmmmm. Maybe because wherever you go, there you are.

Artsy, it would be a great show, right? Everyone else on the show sould be wrong about everything in the world except for the MLCer. They certainly aren't singing that song that's on the radio all the time called "Am I wrong?" Maybe ghetto could make a MLC version of that:-)

[Mighty]

OMG, GB! I am such and idiot. I swear, these days, I am such a walking zombie; people probably think I am intoxicated all the time or something. I meant to post that to Sarah. But I'm glad to swing by and check in on you, too!!!!!

Shhhhh... I will tell you a secret:

I am so mixed up these days, you wouldn't believe what I did this morning. I was explaining something to a group of kids. When I was done, my friend was in the corner giggling and said, "Come here." I asked her what was up. She said,
"Don't you realize what you just said?" Apparently, when explaining, I said, "Well, however the he!! you do it..." OMG- I didn't even realize it and I was mortified!!!!!!!! She said the kids really didn't notice, except one, but he says WAY WORSE on a daily basis. (At least they aren't little kids??!!) That so terrible, though! YIKES! My h lost his mind and it took mine with it!

[Georgiabelle]

No worries, Mighty. And please excuse my autocorrect. I have no idea why ghetto came up. I think I was trying to say we could? Let's declare today brain mush

[Matt165]

I thought maybe ghetto was the name of some rap star!

[Georgiabelle]

Matt-it's funny you say that. My h does have that perpetual scowl on his face Kanye Kardashian (as my D calls him) has on every photo.

So I tried something to different this am. I'm sure I've shared that my h likes to raid the cabinets in the am (not in front of me) This am I had muffins out and said "h, feel free to have some muffins. Have a nice day!" Now that could be seen as pursuit, however we are getting a D and I'm being honest in that I've been the driver of that. It makes me sad, however I'm no longer angry. It's not what I saw for my family although it will be okay. I must really let h go. I'm leaving the door cracked for reconciliation as I never say never. I know so much would have to happen and I don't have that crystal ball. When I got home, the muffins were gone. Thought that was interesting as before he moved out, he would refuse when I offered stuff. What does it mean? Not much. He's kind of like watching a science experiment at this point. It's interesting.

Btw, I just bought some deodorant called "Sexy Intrigue". I guess if someone gets close enough they might smell under my arms and think I'm hot minus the sweat! Bada bing:)


Sending everyone one of my moves that lead me to victory over S11 in Just Dance. XO

[Mighty]

You work those pits, girl!

[Georgiabelle]

And I just got a text about 15 minutes ago from h asking if I could take s4 to sitters this am (s11 is going to work with me). I just didn't respond. H had a big night with gf. I wonder how he manages to work while managing his obsession? Oh well. Not my issue.

Happy Friday everyone!

[Shining]

Happy Friday, GB!

I'm glad you took care of s11. It would be easy to want to shove the responsibility back onto h, but not when kids are involved. You did what's best for him, good mama.;)

How do your armpits smell today, Miss Sassypants?

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks Shining. The kids aren't exactly thrilled with their dad most of the time so I just try to minimize the hurt. I know they still feel neglected and ignored by him (they tell me, their IC and anyone else will listen that) I smell good but I admit I feel a little blah today. I'm about to throw myself a brief pity party with streamers, chips & salsa along with some margaritas. Ugh. I hate feel blah so I'm trying to shift my focus.

I hate admitting this. I really do. I read some people's sitch's and I remember when h was here post BD, we had some positive interactions. I will see some of those same things on people sitch's and I will think " oh that happened to us too. Don't get your hopes up". I certainly don't want to be anyone's hope killer. It's just that it appears that so many of these sitches have the same ending. Now, the LBSs have made some marvelous strides. I don't know. And then I read sitches where I think it's fairly obvious there is OP. Then 2 weeks later you see thevLBS discovers OP and it's just sad. Sad all around. Ugh. I hate and appreciate hearing new stories. My heart breaks for them and yet it just keeps on. How can you not want to keep your family together? I know. I know. Some people just don't want to deal.

I don't want to be single. I hated dating. I don't want to date. I don't want my family to be broken. Although, in reality it is. Heck I don't even know if anyone would date me as I'm carrying around a nice set of luggage. Grrrr. Maybe I'll just go eat worms!

I'm sorry for the sads. Trying to shift my thinking this afternoon. The kids love me and so do the dog and cat. Sigh. Thanks for listening. I do appreciate this board.

[Matt165]

Hi Georgia,
I know what you mean! I see the same thing as my W stayed at home for so long post B-day and there were so many times that I started to think "Wow, there may be hope", only to have that dashed on the shores of the the MLC rocks! When I see those posts I usually just don't say anything and cross my fingers that maybe they will be the exception. Of course you know what happens next!

If you're having the blah's the best thing to do for me is find that one thing you can be glad about...YOU SMELL GOOD!! There's a start!!

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks Matt. You know what? I actually think some people DO have a chance to R down the road.....should they choose.

After yesterday's case of the blahs, I feel better today. Open house is this afternoon and I go get D from her grandparents this am. I'm missed my little drama queen.

Did I mention my good news? I got an expanded territory so that means more $$$. This may mean an extra $10k to $25k per year. Yay!

I do have a funny to share. I wear a necklace with my kids name and my dog's name. I remember my h was upset that his name wasn't on the necklace. Someone made it for me (it's a very unique handcrafted sterling silver piece). Anyway, I was at Starbucks (Haven't you guys heard ? All big things happen at Starbucks:) and a man came up to me and said "I love your necklace. Can I ask what it says?" I said that it has my kids' names and my dog's name. He smiled and said ," so it's your baggage necklace ?" I said it's more like my super dooper luxury luggage that I can't do without. It was just a funny exchange.


Hope everyone has a great day!

[Ggrass]

My dogs love me adore me and think I'm god.

The cat not so much.

While ever I have my 5 hounds assorted! All re treaded (re homed at various ages to me. I have a big l on my forehead that only dog dumpers can see!) we have a house full of love.

Nothing can lift my spirits more than the dark dark days when the guide dog came into work with his owner. Dogs are a real lesson on unconditional love and acceptance.

[Wonka]

GB,

When did you get the necklace? I cannot help but wonder if that was a foretelling of what's to come down the pike...hmmmmm.

[Georgiabelle]

Wonka,

That's so interesting you say that. I know it doesn't matter, but looking back there were some events that were interesting. I think I got the necklace in summer of 2011.

June of 2011-h was fired. First job he had in over a year and was only there about 4 months. I started at one of those hip west coast start ups in April of 2011. Although it's a *sexy* company with a *glitzy* title for me, it is a freakinb nightmare. I work at home about 18 hours a day. I met great people but the job itself is a grind. Plus as the company continues to try to secure funding, there are daily threats of firings and grueling schedules to satisfy the investors. I stay ( because we need the income) and look for a new gig.

June 2012-h goes off his medication. He is unbearable. He was working on a contract and was irritable and grumpy beyond belief. I started a new job in May. At BD, h said he went off his medication to see if I loved him. In July 12, this was the vacation that h said traumatized him for life. (His words). He was still unmediated. Drank at least 12 beers each day of vacation (usually more) and was in just a horrible mood. This is the trip he pulled his pants down in front of his dad and brother and started talking with his private part. His dad and brother asked me if he was okay. I told h he really needed to go to the doctor. She prescribes new meds. Of course, I made the appt

Nov 12- h's cousin who was 2 years older died after an aggressive and rare cancer that had left him a paraplegic. He discovered photos of his wife having sex with other men in their bed a few months before his death. At his funeral, h became very upset as his cousin had 2 kids close in age to ours. H commented that there weren't many photos of him with our kids so if something happened to him what would we show at the funeral? It wasn't said seriously although I do think he thought of that as he brought it up several times later. His contracted ended 1st of Nov.

May13- my dad died unexpectedly after minor surgery. My h was devastated which I didn't quite understand at the time. I thought he just felt bad for me and the kids as I was very close to my dad and he was insane about my kids. A friend of mine had to put her 14 yr old dog down. I sent her a gift. H loves animals too but I remember thinking the look on his face is odd. He looks so bewildered and says. "Sometimes I think you love animals more than me." I don't think much of this. Shame on me.

July 13- h starts some new contract work and I notice on their site there is no mention of his family. It's a quirky site and this is very unlike h as he always promoted my blog, spoke glowingly of me and the kids. His meet up profile just says father of 3. He set this up late July/early Aug of 2012. He always said I was the pb to his jelly so this is * odd*. H spoke about me, posted photos of me and was always very proud of me.

October13- h gets first *job* since beginning of Nov 12. The only people at the company over the age of 27 are the CEO, CFO, and h. He really begins to act different at this point and it only escalates. He is extremely snippy and for the first time in 12 years, says something critical of my appearance. He tells s4 that the last c-section ruined your mommy's stomach. I start kickboxing and said I feel stronger. He looks at me and his face is completely emotionless and says " you think you see results?" It wasn't spiteful, just do unlike him. I mentioned his look to a friend.

Beginning of Dec. h says they are going to hire him on. I notice he is in his phone all the time. He blares 90s angst music in the shower in the am before work. And then 5 days after my BD in Dec, I'm folding laundry as his mom helps the kids. "Are you happy? I'm not happy " followed by BAM. Caca hits the fan. His life changed when we had kids. He just wanted me to take s11 when he was a baby from him when I got home from work. I couldn't believe some of these things he was saying. The way he felt about me had *changed*. I didn't even comprehend that. How did that happen ? He thought I was the *one* and he realized that wasn't true. What? What happened? At BD, he said he didn't want our m to work. I didn't and did not want to understand that. I know. I was wrong. I insisted (bad GB) we see 2 MCs where both said we had rather normal marital issues and they both felt we could get reconnected. H told both of them. "I'm pretty sure I don't want ghis to work". Ouch. The looks on their faces was interesting.

Again, I do realize it makes no difference. However, I do recall Job and reading your story, Wonka, that there were little signs before. When I look back, I did have a few " mmmmm" moments- I just did not know * this* happened. And now I do. I get it and I wouldn't believe it had I not experienced it myself. I'm embarrassed to admit when I came here I thought you all were *wrong*. I mean, I was different. You didn't know my h. He spoke horribly of people who cheated, aired their poop on social media and bad dads were literally flamed. Nope. Could not happen to me. I would prove you all wrong. How wrong was I. !

That was a novel right? Still, as painful as this is and as shocking as parts are, I know this was supposed to happen. The full reasons as to why are still unfolding. I know those answers will come.

XO!

[beatrice]

Your h sounds like a fragile person going through the 'set up' for a MLC. One of my xh's triggers was the death of my mother, of whom he was fond, and also issues at work. Issues that at the time I thought were unfair, but now I wonder if he was not the 'nice guy' at work that he was with his family even in those days.

Like yours, mine was super nice, moral and great fun. I miss that person, but wouldn't have him in my life now if he were gold plated, with diamond teeth. But paradoxically I am tremendously sorry for him, as he continues with his wrecking ball attempts to derail my life.

[Mighty]

Ha! Beatrice- I love that: "gold plated, with diamond teeth" - that's great!

GB- I know, hindsight is 20/20. So many things we missed- the "clues". For me, I would have expected him to talk to me if there really was something amiss. I had no idea what this mlc entailed, as by the looks, most of us didn't.

I like that you are showing patience. Yes, the answers will come. Keep that in mind. You are strong and you are doing great. Everyone I know who has been through divorce or anything like this has told me, "It will get better!" Patience.

[Georgiabelle]

Bea- you are so funny. Yes, I have always said my h is the most sensitive person I have ever met. I just thought we would get through anything. This probably sounds strange but I honestly don't know how he functions. He deals with nothing and suppresses everything. The world seems too much for him. He is the polar opposite of the man he was. He has a college gf to distract him from reality though.

Mighty-you are right. Hindsight IS 20/20 and like you, I assumed my h would talk to me about his feelings. Boy was I wrong. It's strange looking back isn't it?

Couple things. First, I put on my favorite pair of jeans today and they are snug. Ugh. I've been stress eating and not working out like I should. I desperately try not to let my weight rule the way I feel, however this was a downer. I am trying not to obsess about it but it made me cry. Grrrr.

H came to pick up kids for his day today. S11 and D9 refused to go and I had to encourage s4 to go prior to his arrival. Big kids and I finished school shopping. I told h to feel free to take s4 for the night. At 2:45, h said s4 wanted to come home. I did something different today. Gotta mix it up right? I said that was fine and texted him something funny d9 said. He then texted back a photo is s4. I think my h felt like I didn't need him. The reality is that I didn't. I know - no pressure although I thought I would try something different. I asked him to drop my dog off to be boarded on Thursday. He said yes. I guess we will see if he actually does it. Nevertheless, the exchange was pleasant. When he brought s4 back we were in the pool. S4 ran over and said I was his number 1 girl and he didn't like being away from me. H said bye to big kids and left.

The thing I cannot wrap my head around, is how he has such little interaction with the kids. He used to be very affectionate with them and now it's like he's a distant relative. Oh well. Not my sandbox. That's his deal and something tells me that will be a painful one for him to deal with down the road.

Thanks for listening DBers:-)

[beatrice]

something tells me that will be a painful one for him to deal with down the road.

Yes, unless he is a total narcissist it come back to hurt a lot.

[juliegayle]

Agree. They grow up so fast I don't want to miss a minute. You know you can't fix it for h. All you can do is keep being their #1 girl.

Ss15 told me h wouldn't let him go out with his friends fri night because he wanted to spend quality time. Ss told me over 6 hours h spent a total of 30 min with him. This was around the mysterious 2 hour trip h took to grocery store and another 1 hour trip to gas station. Both places minutes away. Other than that h spent most of time in car talking texting and playing on his phone.

One day soon ss will stop asking and just go. H will never get this time back.

[Georgiabelle]

Julie-

That sounds exactly like a visit the kids describe with h. Can't be without the phone. May miss a text from OW.

Yes. Wouldn't trade this time with my kids for anything. Julie, what kind of R do your ss have with their mom? Sorry if I missed that.

[LoisB]

"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer

Oh my Georgia! I'm loving, LOVING this!! ^^^^^^^^^^ Hilarious.

[juliegayle]

Georgia I doubt I ever mentioned my skids relationship with their mon. She has primary custody. She is remarried and they have a 6 year old son. They are all very close.

H s and I have always been invited to stuff for boys. S and I often went without h to b days and plays when it conflicted with h schedule. So we know all the extended family and they are always friendly to us. S and their son call each other brother.

Their mom knows some of what is going on and has assured me there will be no changes to my relationship with the kids.

[Georgiabelle]

Julie,

The boys are lucky to have 2 loving women in their lives. It's nice to hear that she is supportive. The boys are lucky to have you:-)

[Georgiabelle]

Thoughts appreciated on this. H periodically (as in every couple of months) will say " have the kids call me because I want to ask them about x". This puts me in an awkward spot as they generally refuse to call him. This puts me in an awkward spot. What to do? Best way to respond?

[BklynMom]

The phone thing is so classic. After bomb my husband took a shower with his phone in the bathroom, all while denying he was involved with OW.

The behavior is so over the top that its hard to believe that they are grown men.

These MLCers act so much like teenagers you would think their last name was Kardashian.

--
Regarding best way to respond to your H asking this of you when I am guessing he could email or text the kids directed deserves a well thought out email.

I dont think a 20 word text is sufficient.

I think you should write him an email saying that you want the kids to have a strong relationship with each of you and that you will help facilitate that relationship with him however you can.

You should go and say that right now the kids are very angry at him and upset that he is no longer in the family home. This is a normal reaction. And just so everything is on the table they also feel like you are not present during their visits to your house. They say you spend most of your time on your cell phone and not engaging with them. Given their feeling right now, when I ask them to call you - they generally prefer not too. I do not think I should be the enforcer right now of a punishment when they do not want to call. I will always give them the message that you would like a call regarding X but please reach out directly to the older kids and of course I will facialliate you talking to our little one.

...Maybe something like that...

[beatrice]

" have the kids call me because I want to ask them about x".

I suspect this is another version of the heady mix of idleness and control. The short and long answer is no.

Whether you say it out loud or simply ignore his request is down to you. If you suspect is is a reason to have a fight then personally I would ignore.

Is there any compelling reason that he cannot communicate directly with them? I mean do they have not any kind of electronic device or do they live a secluded and simple life? Are they unable to speak, read or write?

While it is important to facilitate a relationship with both parents, you are not the intermediary if he can communicate directly with them.

[juliegayle]

Doesn't he still do drop off a few days a week? Did I miss where that stopped? He has opportunities to talk to them without putting you in the middle. Perhaps he suspects that they will be more agreeable to him if you help to initiate contact.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks BK, Bea and Julie. I agree with all 3 of you and you all make some valid observations. . Yes, Julie he takes them to school generally about 3 days a week. That's when he sees them. I'm just being honest and his family agrees, that putting me in the middle helps h continue with his victim status. Again, h has always played the victim role so if things don't work out to his liking, he can say " but it was Professor Plum with the candlestick in the study!!!" Or in the words of the singer Shaggy, "It Wasn't Me."

So I had to go to a work event and when I got home I told the kids them their dad asked that they call him and tell him about the first day of school. The older 2 said "why would we want to talk to him? We saw him last week." H's mom snipped "call your dad!" They did and the call between the 3 kids and h lasted under 4 minutes. H's mom apologized to after they went to bed. She said she was so sorry she told them to call them after they didn't want to and that it's not me or the kids, and that she is furious with him. I told her it was okay and that I know it must be very difficult for her. She said she's just afraid that he won't have any kind of R with the me eventually because the kids (particularly the older 2) don't have kind words to say about their dad. I said everything will work itself out and his R with them is his-not mine. I said I know that's difficult to hear although it's the truth. I'm always cordial to their dad even when it's not reciprocated (and h's mom and dad get beyond feisty about that) but I told them that's mine to deal with R-not theirs. H' s mom says she wants to shake him and slap him over the head. I just laughed and said h has a new life and he will either figure it out or he won't. That's on him.

I do feel bad for his parents. Kids had a great first day at school and we are having a 3 day weekend away to a drum roll.....theme park !

[BklynMom]

I sure this must be hard on his parents. I am sure my H parents, especially his mother also think my H is a fool. I know in my H case his parents have said their peace and now they cant say anything and have to pretend everything is fine.

Your H is missing out on so much.

I know that its quite common now to start school in August but I am just curious what the reasoning is in that? still seems so strange to me.

[Georgiabelle]

Actually, some schools started last week. They like to make sure the kids are extra toasty:-) School gets out before Memorial Day and the kids have a modified version of yr round school. They get fall, winter and spring breaks.

[Georgiabelle]

Goat Gal and Matt, I think there was a conversation on your thread(GG) that was very entertaining. I heard something today that reminded me of that very lively thread (think it was locked). OW said that h had been living his life by following his heart and his heart had crapped all over him. She's said she's showing him how to think with his brain. Is that what we are calling it now? Sage advice from a college student whose never been married, has no kids, no job, whose mother is an erotic storyteller, and whose dad has multiple accusations of inappropriate behavior with minors. Yes, when you are in MLC, these are the kind of people you allow to influence your life decisions:-)

[Ggrass]

My h ow, is a smart educated woman, she's a day care supervisor!

Mlc second childhood anyone? Lol he's been well and truely behaving like a child.

[Wonka]

Kids had a great first day at school and we are having a 3 day weekend away to a drum roll.....theme park !

Hey...the water logs are the best!

[Georgiabelle]

Oh, those darn themepark rides make me anxious, Wonka. However, gotta continue to do what makes me a wee bit uncomfortable :-). I am terrified if heights and road all of those rides atop the Stratosphere in Vegas. I feel like that should have conquered my fears.

I snuck a peak at my new commission structure and in the words of Lady Gaga, I had to break out into "Applause." Giddy. Love. Gotta keep this up.

H sent me a text this am that his portion of D's tuition would be his entire next check. I resisted texting back "Yes h. Kids are expensive. I know as I paid 85% of the bills and daycare while you did freelance work, napped and played video games. " And I didn't feel it authentic to validate that kids are expensive. When you haven't paid for much, it's an eye opener I suppose.

Sending everyone positive stuff on this Wednesday

[LoisB]

Doin a Happy Dance for Georgia's NEW Commission Structure!! Drinks are on GB :-)

[Matt165]

Hi Georgia,
Funny isn't it about the money thing. While I was the only one working and W was a stay at home mom, she was so adamant about the girls MUST go to private school. The schools here are so very bad, etc. Now that she would need to pay for 1/2, the schools are great, D will do fine, etc. Umm... so just by getting a D that made the school district so much better!

I don't like the rides either. I'm on enough of a roller coaster in the rest of my life, thank you!

[Georgiabelle]

As I prep for my trip to ride attractions that will make me want to hurl( in a good, fun way), I also am dealing with that time of the month. Maybe I'm hormonal. Maybe I'm just realistic. Maybe it's because I got my teeth cleaned this am. Maybe I'm just-I don't know. I'm going to say something that I struggle to type. I know I shouldn't say this and I just am. Is it wrong to think my h is a dumba$$?

Seriously. He remembers nothing. He is incredibly self absorbed. He is a liar. I dunno. Just speaking to him gives me a headache. And I've been cordial and have really been working the DB train since Feb (with a slip up in April). I'm just embarrassed by his behavior. It's so disrespectful to my kids. I'm flawed-yes. However, I'm not a monster. I'm not evil. I'm actually a really good person. Still strolling on the high road. Trying to set a great example for my kids and help them be the best they can.

Sometimes I just wish he would permanently relocate to Mars. I mean he already has established residency there. Did I really have 3 kids with this man? Were we really that close at one time? Did he really love me? Grrrrr. Happy Friday eve!

[beatrice]

Sometimes I just wish he would permanently relocate to Mars. I mean he already has established residency there. Did I really have 3 kids with this man? Were we really that close at one time? Did he really love me? Grrrrr. Happy Friday eve!

You don't have to be hormonal to have these thoughts!! Many of us share them or a version of them. As I have three kids as well I do know what you mean. I wouldn't put him in charge of a hamster right now.

[Matt165]

Hi Georgia,
We should start a club of people who think the ex is a dunba$$! Let's see..doesn't remember anything, check! Lies all the time when the truth would be just as good, Check! Ultra-incredibly self absorbed, double check! Get a headache when I speak with her, check! Embarrassed by her behavior, check! Has Canal-side property on Mars, Check! You can add in that I'm now evil and a monster as well! Oh well, just another day in MLC LBS land!

Got good news today. My D19 got a job! Had her first interview and got it! I'm proud of her. It can't be easy going from being totally taken care of by parents to totally on her own and with very little money! To think of the trouble some kids have going from HS to college and here she had to go from HS, lose her parental safety net, get a job, pay for EVERYTHING and start college all within 2 months after graduating from HS! Add in that her mother now thinks since she is over 18 she doesn't have to do a dam thing for her and made it known that she would rather her live in sin with her BF than live with her father (remember, I'm now a monster!)and I think she is a pretty tuff cookie! Good to see that I'm raising a strong, independent woman who isn't afraid of taking life by the horns! When she called to tell me, she was saying how she can't call her mom as her mom gets angry if she "bothers her" at work. I told her about her sister picking her classes at the public school and she got angry saying how unfair it was that her sister didn't get to go to the school she did. She told me that her mom was talking to her friend (the one who came and helped W pack) saying how much fun D14 has when she is at her mom's. She said she had to hold back a laugh as she's been there and her sister spends all her time in her room avoiding her mother. The only thing she likes about being at her mom's is that the internet is faster! Another bit of fantasy from W's MLC mind! Do they really think that the stuff they make up in their fevered fantasies are real?

[Matt165]

Hi Bea,
I know how you feel but I have to let My W be in charge of my D14 for weeks at a time! Scary stuff, that!

[beatrice]

Matt (sorry for threadjack btw) My youngest son was almost 19 when my xh walked out. It was tough for him but he has done so well, and finally decided to train as a lawyer following his degree, and has just landed an amazing job. Financially it was tough all round, on me and on him. He is also about to get married to a wonderful woman.

They do make it through

[juliegayle]

Hey Georgia can i join the club too? My h is very outdoorsy and from time to time I hope he will just go off the grid and be a true mountain man. Would seriously make life easier.

At least your eyes are open and you don't expect him to be anything other than a dumba$$

Happy Friday everone you!

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks for the laughs everyone. Ready??? I did not 1 but 2 amusement parks today. 1 not crowded. At all. Road one coaster 5 times in a row and did not puke. Where is my gold star???

[Ggrass]

I think you need more than a gold star. So hands gb a chocolate frog. E

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks GGrass. So I'm giving myself a goldstar today. I was getting coffee at the Starbucks in the resort this am. A police officer walks up to me and said that he thought I was crazy when I was going across the street with the 3 kids. I said "they can get a little wacky. It's fun though." He said "you are doing a great job!" Which lead to s11 talking to another police officer. My kids are really sweet-s4 is extremely outgoing and a bit of a handful. Peeps came up and talked to us all day. Maybe one day when I'm ready a Christian Bale look a like who happens to be a millionaire will give me an eye. Hopefully not his actual eyeball:-)

Anyway. Got to the theme park when doors opened today and left when they closed tonight. I officially give myself 3 gold starts and a padded room:-)

[Georgiabelle]

Gosh, I read all these threads and peeps have some kind of positive or surprising interaction from their WAS. I think that's awesome:-) A funny. Was in a gift shop with the kids and there was a basket with travel mugs with names on clearance. There were 4 travel mugs in bin all bearing the same name-Ow.

Also, and it's public so I took a peek adter a friend told me OW tweeted that "h had been following his heart for 12 years and that had made his life crap." She said she was getting him to think with his brain. :-)

Off to see clients in NY tomorrow. The scale is still my enemy.

[juliegayle]

Glad you had fun! You are such an open fun person I am sure the right peeps will come into your life when the time is right.

[Wonka]

GB,

Looking at the Wicked Witch's crystal ball with the flying monkeys bouncing around it...I see the following:

-OW18 marries the Prince of her dreams
-Have 6 babies (one's a pair of twins)
-House mortgage
-Bills to pay
-12 loads of laundry every 3 days
-Her H runs off on her

And that's all she wrote!

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks JG and Wonka. I did something I wasn't supposed to do. When I saw that Robin Williams died of an apparent suicide, it reminded me of my h. No, don't think h is suicidal. H is very funny and we were very similar humor wise (note were)-except he suffers from severe depression and I'm generally a happy person. Kind of the yin and yang thing.

Anyway, I saw where he tweeted that he hoped people would see after this brilliant man's death that depression is a serious illness. He said he lives with pain every day and the humor helps hide it. It's so interesting that h cut everyone who knows him off and uses twitter to present himself the way he wants others to see him. It's how he met OW. I bring this up because I don't miss that. I hope that doesn't make me sound cold. I wanted very badly for my h to feel *good* and *enjoy* the kids. I think he did sometimes. Of course he that he thought our R was preventing him from joy and happiness. Now he self medicates. Drinks daily. And the reality is he would really have to look at himself and figure out why he behaves the way he does. Very impulsive. He used to tweet funny stuff about the kids or the dogs and now he tweets the f word, horrible things about his coworkers, OW vag( you know the rest), people asking for **** photos. It's sad and bizarre.

However, I realize that this isn't my battle to fight. I have to leave him alone. He will either deal with it or not. I point this out because I used to kick into high gear of " let's try new meds." " you need to see a psychiatrist." Blah. Blah. Blah. That was a cheese less tunnel for me to wander down. It's part of why he can't be alone. Why would you want to be with the person you despise? Himself. He has said so a number of times. Just thinking outloud.

Ran 3 miles today. Good client visits. Talked fantasy football with my boss. Met some nice peeps on my flight. Bad hair day:-(. Can't have it all every day:-)

[Georgiabelle]

After being a bit reflective last night, I got 8 hours of sleep. This is major for me. A first in a few years. Anyway. Positives for today

It's a good hair day in the neighborhood.

Wearing one of my favorite maxi dresses. Love the maxi dress. Great invention.

Meetings with some of my fave clients today. Uh huh. And I have a super boss. Have I ever said that?

Got 2 new contracts. Yabba dabba do!

And of course my gifts everyday. 3 beautiful, hilarious children spending wonderful time with their fantastic grandparents while I'm gone. My perfect dog who thinks I'm the shizzle. Good friends and family who make me laugh and support my craziness (the good kind). This board. Helps me tremendously. I read so many of your stories even if I don't comment. I feel a unique, unspoken bond with many of you.

It's Tuesday. Life is short. Make it a good day:-)

[Georgiabelle]

I had an epiphany today. I do have them from time to time. When I was a kid, I always wanted to work in a big city in a high rise. I grew up in a very small, rural town in the south. We didn't have much and I always felt like I wanted something *fancy* or what I perceived at the time as glamorous at the time. I would get so excited driving through Miami or Atlanta when I was a kid because I thought those tall buildings today meant something .... BIG!

Today, I was in a meeting on the 27th floor in Manhattan looking out over Central Park and realized a dream had come true. It was true few years ago but I was too *busy* to notice. I never *realized* it until today. It probably sounds silly. However, it made me feel rather giddy. Sending everyone a high kick!

[vossy]

Love that very last line, btw.

[Shining]

GB,

High kick and a Grande Jete split leap back to you! That is awesome. I'm getting caught up on your stuff after being a bit dragged under with life and whatnot....

I so love your attitude, and I'm inspired, thank you! I'm slowly getting my spunky back....look out! It seems as though you are doing very well overall, and I want to meet you someday with your hilarious kids....we may have that in common, too!

And.....completely agree with your dog. You are the shizzle .

[Georgiabelle]

After much deliberation, I filed yesterday. It doesn't make me happy. I still get sad although the moments of anger are rare. At this point, it feels like a necessary business decision. As some of the vets have pointed out and I recognize as well, my h has many issues. Some bigger than others. I'm utilizing this time to still work on me and make me the best I can be. I never dreamed my kids would grow up in a broken home although I realize they've been growing up with a broken dad. They always say to me ," but mommy our situation is do diffeent. You did t fight. Daddy just left." It's difficult for a grown up to understand so I can only imagine their confusion. I just remind then that he does love them and we can't put our lives on hold. I'm not quite ready to say I wish him well although I know I will get there. Door is cracked for R, although it is near unimagineble for me to ever hear my stbx utter the words "perhaps I played a role."

I used to read that 90% of Ms where one suffers from clinical depression end in D. Since both me and my stbx were raised in loving intact families, I never thought that to be a possibility. I had to google stuff about D because I knew nothing about it. I thought I will be a 10% er!!!! I'm not. I did t fail though. I can only do what I can. I don't envy stbx. I don't envy OW. I actually feel a bit of sadness for them both. However, that's their deal. He will be in my life to some degree until death so if I choose R, I have my entire life to have that opp. My focus is on me and the little peeps. I'm so fortunate to have them. My h used to say he didn't love them the way I do. It's not a contest by any stretch. However, he was probably honest and correct in his statement.

I'll stay on the high road. It's really the only road for me although I have been tempted to detour. I've had enough detours and I'm sure I'll have more. And that's perfectly fine. Life is short. One chapter ends and another begins. Onward and upwards.

[job]

Georgia,
I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you and your h. Yes, the divorce is a necessary business transaction, i.e., one to ensure that the assets are safe, ensure your credit standing, as well as protecting you and your children. You've done everything you can and I know from your postings, you didn't file on a whim. You've given this considerable thought and whatever you do in the future, you'll be okay.

Even though you have filed, you are still a success story because you are a survivor. Whatever you need in the way of support we are here for you.

[beatrice]

I am so sorry, it is a hard decision to make. Please continue to post here though - you are an inspiration.

[Shining]

GB,

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It sounds as though you have carefully weighed your options, and you're able to do what is best for you and the kids. That shows me how strong you are, and what a wonderful mom your kids have. It's never what we hoped for, but you and your kids are worth the world. So go get it:).

I've been through a bad D .....long ago. Getting to that decision was not easy, and it took me 3 years to file...I needed time to get myself strong enough to get through it.

Losing you will be his biggest regret. Years and years after my ugly D (went to trial), my xh now says that to everyone. No satisfaction for me, but it is his reality now.

I love your attitude, your humor, your intelligence, and integrity. Staying on the high road paid off for me 10 fold in my first marriage. You have great things ahead.

Please stay around, and touch base as you can. You have helped me a ton.

[2BHappy]

GB
Stay strong, another chapter in your life...

Continue to GAL and take care of the kids.

[Matt165]

Hi Georgia,
So sorry it had to come to this. Like Shining says, someday H will probably wish he hadn't lost you from his life. It's so sad that they take so long to bake that they can't see the truth in time. Like a drowning victim that takes the person that is trying to save them under with them, the MLCer can easily take us down with them as well. Sometimes, we just have to let go and hope they can save themselves. You have to think of your kids as well as yourself. They need a stable parent in their life. I am at a similar place although my W was the one to file. I need to decide whether I will give my W a chance to show she is capable of taking care of our D14, that she is willing and able to think not only of what SHE wants but what is best for our D. So hard when we still see the person they used to be. When we know that somewhere inside is that old person, the one we loved for so long. Funny how the kids say you and your H are different because that's exactly what I get. We didn't fight. Neither of us were mean. For 90% of our M we were loving and cared deeply for each other and the kids could see that. Everyone that they know who have been through a D talk about how their parents fought, how they drank or lied or cheated over and over. They see us and think why?

Stay strong. Help the kids and let them help you. We're all praying for you. You'll get through this and come out a better, stronger person!

[artsy]

(((GB)))

Sorry you feel defeated, and I have no doubt you know the right decision for yourself and your kids.

Hang in there.

[Notlikingthis]

GB,

I've been away from here for awhile but decided to check in to see how you and everyone else are doing. I'm sorry to hear that you've filed but after reading through some of your more recent threads, I also see how necessary it is.

It's a hard decision and each individual has to decide when it's time to take action that assures us and our children a secure financial future. Take care of yourself! You have a great attitude, a wonderful sense of humor and a good head on your shoulders.

[GoatGal]

Georgiabelle,

Sorry to hear you came to this decision, but I understand.

Only you know when enough is enough, and you've fought the good fight.

Hang in there and keep hanging here with us--we really need your sense of humor and insight.

Besides, your story is still being written and we want to see how it ends.

I know it will be an interesting read!

Hang in there,

---GGG

[Wonka]

GB,

You've handled yourself with such grace, humor and humility that we totally understand your decision to file for D after DBing your peach-fuzz butt off. Sorry that Peter Pan is still stuck on the Lost Island. Hey...I wasn't H's tour guide there!

[juliegayle]

Hey GB

Hug those kids and stay strong.

We are all her e for you.

Julie

[job]

Georgia,
You may want to think about a new thread as your current thread may lock fairly soon.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts. I am literally floored by the support on this board and feel so fortunate to have found this site. While sad, please know I don't feel defeated or devastated at this point. It's a necessary business transaction and I just want to secure my financial future along with the children. Marriage is about love and commitment while D has a vs on the paperwork for a reason. That doesn't sound very romantic or sexy, does it???

My h is on some trip that I've never seen offered in the showcase on "The Price is Right." The incessant lying. The straight up weirdness. The 180 of who he was. He was a vegetarian for about 14 years and has declared himself a carnivore. I'm happy he finally has a job, and I readily admit that I get annoyed by some of the financial texts as you can tell that I was the primary financial contributor for the vast majority of our m. H:" do you mean I have to pay this one top of what I already pay per month ?" Old GB would say " yes, a$$hat. Welcome to adulthood." The forever reformed GB who has learned so much about not reacting and responding simply says, "Yes. Have a good night." Seriously. I am so appreciative of the tools DBing provides. I use them at work, with family, friends, etc.

I doubt my h will ever regret losing me and that's his decision. While I made mistakes , I certainly know that I did many good things in the m as well. There are some behaviors I won't repeat. D9 did not go to her dad 's today (only the boys) and she peppered me with many questions about her dad, religion, love- you name it. All of a sudden she said, " mommy, one day Daddy is gonna wake up from his weirdness (yes- her words) and say *what happened?* I told her I didn't know and reminded her that yes her dad is going through something and he loves her very much. Just like he always has. Honestly, there isn't much to say after that. And gosh darnit, isn't she insightful ?

You guys will not vote me off DB island. I will not allow it. Staying on the high road- even though I feel like the road occasionally gets flooded and there is the occasional rock slide and all 4 tires blow out from time to time. I kid. It really is the only way for me.

And as Job always says , the answers come will come. Gotta start a new thread:)

[Wonka]

GB,

All of a sudden she said, " mommy, one day Daddy is gonna wake up from his weirdness (yes- her words) and say *what happened?*

Yup. Right out of the babe's mouth. Kids are pretty inituitive, aren't they?

[Georgiabelle]

Yes they are ! They see it ALL:)