I hope my threads are helpful but I don't remember everything that's there. It's been a long time. I think I was so unsettled in convos with H because I had many expectations about how it "should" be. When I was able to let him be who he was, things got better.
What I do know is that this journey, reading and writing here, IC, meditation, yoga have helped me become me, the woman I was meant to be.
My family and I are facing some big challenges right now and just this morning as I was making coffee I was amazed that I slept so well last night, that I'm not in a state of "victim" and that I can really enjoy life even with its very real difficulties.
Another of my favorite quotes: I am the sky, everything else is just the weather.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
And I'd just like to add that yoga has been amazing for me, too.
My yoga teacher told me early in the process, "You are strong enough." She meant it for me learning a headstand, but I've used it for almost everything else.
You've posted some amazing introspection the last couple of days. I, too, have been trying to set a goal of taking a break from these boards. (One of my personal goals is going to be to check this board and FB only 2x/day...)
Anyway, the parts your wrote about wanting to make amends, forgiving yourself, the comparisons to your "friend" about how she is pouring negative energy into the world... reminded me that DB tactics feel very similar to Buddhist principles to me.
I am not religious, but the core ideals of Buddhism (and I am no expert, so this is just MY interpretation, which is working for ME), that seem to jive well with DB and have helped me are:
-- I will put out into the world (even to my WAH) the energy I wish to receive back. (and "Be the change I wish to see in the world") -- I cannot control anything except myself. I CAN control myself. -- I can have compassion, even for my 'enemies' -- I must accept that change is inevitable, and use it to learn and grow. ("The river will flow how it flows") -- Detaching myself from "wants" that I cannot control can release me from suffering. -- The path to peace is to look inward. --We cannot go backwards, we can only move forwards.
Again, these are MY OWN interpretations of Buddhism. These are the core principles I have been trying to live by lately.
Now that I've finished this, I'm not exactly sure why I wrote it here! But maybe it will help you think through some of your questions (is he a "bad guy?"), and feelings of guilt...
That's a frustrating situation, and I'm sorry that you went through it and that it got to you so much.
I'm afraid I don't have an answer about the "bag guy" question, other than to say that "bad guy" and "good guy" are binaries that can't and don't reflect a whole continuum of experience. Someone who has an A could otherwise appear to be the most stand-up guy in the world while someone who doesn't have an A could still be a relatively mediocre person. I think this comes down to your perspective - if an A isn't a dealbreaker for you, and your H. otherwise seems to behave as a reasonable, functional adult, it's your call on where on the continuum he falls and whether you're standing for a bad guy or not.
Based on what you've said, though, I think you know your own stance on this already. I wonder if perhaps hearing this other story of someone who is dealing with what sounds to be a very negative situation has you questioning your own perspective on your situation, particularly since she seems to be focused on having people aware and getting them on her side in a judgmental kind of way. Is it possible that you're actually wondering not so much whether your H. is actually a bad guy, but whether other people might see him as a bad guy and you as questionable for standing by him?
That said, everyone's pain is their own, I don't think we can judge anyone else's pain, and she's not correct to say that your pain is somehow less than hers because the situation is different or, as is quite possibly the case, because you're handling it differently from her.
In terms of making amends to your H. for the way you behaved, I'm going to suggest that you try to forgive and make amends with yourself first. No one behaves perfectly all the time, and I'm sure there were contributions that your H. made, too (like shutting down). It's important to recognize your role in what happened, and where you slipped up, so this is a good thing. But you also need to cut yourself some slack, too. (Yes, this is very rich coming from me, but I really do think it's the thing to do, as hard as it is.)
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Labug I'm sorry you're facing a challenge right now. Sending warm vibes to a woman who has been a huge part in helping me see more clearly.
I like the sky/weather quote.
I had thought I would compose an email apologizing for my behavior but thanks to Claire I think I see WHY that isn't necessary.
Meghan you (and labug) are both right about the self-forgiveness thing. And I think I can see what needs to be done to make it happen.
I AM relieved to be me. I am relieved to see a way to move forward that doesn't depend on him, and to be carrying the Save Me banner. That Save My Marriage banner was hard to hang on to.
Thank you for helping me find my balance again.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Take inventory of your habits and behaviors, Aries. Look to certain patterns and note the ones that do and don't work for you. You'll more than likely feel an urge to break free from repetition and create new paths that allow for other opportunities to come along. You may not even be consciously aware that in many ways you're beating a dead horse. Don't continue to waste your energy on paths that go nowhere.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Today I find myself just exhausted. Combination of the bad night's sleep, the pain of the incident last night, the emotion of all the thoughts about H and OW splitting up... I'm just flat out tired. What if I just let go of any idea of reconciliation and him and all that and just let what happens, happen?
(Oh, she's finally got it, they say. Golf clap. Way to go, Captain Obvious, you finally go to the end of the book!)
Is it a sign?
I got to "end of the book" and my good friend stopped over to pick something up. We admired my neighbor's beautiful garden and the neighbor stopped out and in the course of the conversation mentioned the abandoned house across the street. Told us the whole story. Friend and I go to look -- it's perfect. Just a little wear that I have the knowledge & contacts to deal with. Not on the market so I have time to find out if I'm going to need it before it gets snatched out from under me. And I have an in for potentially getting into it.
I'm not giving up on H, but I think perhaps it's time to relax and just see what happens, trusting that I'm taken care of no matter what.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
