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I have read both DR and DB. I have kids at home and can only read late at night when the older child goes to bed. I can do that and/or get on this forum. I drive one hour to work each way.
Trying to detach....doing 180's. I have specific things that happen at times that I want some feedback for.
GAL is hard with all my time being used. However, I do workout at night. Have lost 30lbs. Since December. ( yes started diet prior to BD) feel good, look good, wear cologne sometimes.( used to wear when we first met, only for her on dates)

Goals
Attend couples therapy ( took replying to D papers with a letter to courts) she agreed prior to court answer (in good faith) for a few sessions, I had asked for a neutral therapist with 12 or more sessions for reconcile and/or closure (accomplished)
Detach (working on it)
Follow sandi2 rules (accomplishing daily)
Stay focused on what I want and stay positive ( accomplished daily)
Take of my family and their needs too, includes wife (daily)
Being a better person, positive, supportive, friendly. (Daily)

Very nervous about Monday therapy appointment. I know when I say reconcile, she will get mad. Too bad, I am doing this for my child and me. This is what I want for us. Our sitch is bad right now, but there is something there and always has been. More than friends.


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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That take care of wifes needs above...that is NOT a backslide. I simply treat her no different ..."as if" I just , as part of 180 do more around the house. I make no mention of those things. I ask for nothing in return. She does offer as of late.
She also asks almost daily now, what my plans are for the day/about work, after work...any plans for rest of week. Etc. should something come up...friends in town, I tell her the day of once I decide what I want to do. Right now, that includes taking the 10year old with. No big deal.
What can I do, other than above, to make the PorD dynamic more obvious to her? I rarely slip on the non pursuit, but also want to be compassionate and caring as to not appear checked out. Detach is a balancing act when you live in the same home.


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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NewB3

I'm glad you've found time to read the books. I only read them and refer to them when H is out of town, otherwise they're tucked away where prying eyes can't see them. So - I get it! This forum is also a great resource!


I think you've made good goals, but I wouldn't get too many hopes up for couples therapy. It may be great for you, but if she's not invested in it, it may not be worth your time right now. Individual counseling is maybe more important. Just my .02.

Hang in there! I think you're doing really well!

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I think couples therapy will be good. Just not the first 2 visits. I feel that getting some of her reasons on the table may open up communication. She feels te way she feels for some reason. I just have no specifics. Just vague stuff and shoving under the rug. By getting to the reasons, I will have a chance with a phd. Therapist to get some answers to what I feel are missed expectations on both sides. Communication issues from two over tired parents that are both trying to work full time and making assumptions.


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

Couples therapy would NOT have worked in my situation because of MLC crazy. When my situation started my H was in the middle of rewriting our history (which was really, really bizarre) and forging a new "friendship" with OW.

But - your situation is probably really different! I hope it works well for you guys!

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Reading here...I have a moment. Can I have some vets chime in? I need some hard, honest, blunt advice on my sitch and what I need to keep doing or be doing more of. Please


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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Reading through your sitch, it's hard to figure out where you need help. You say that there really hasn't been any reason for your W to leave which makes it hard to pinpoint problems.

We need more information . What were things that your W complained about in the past? Even if it's a small comment, write it down here. We need to hear about the WORST things that came up in your relationship.

How are your interactions now?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Mr. Bond, may I call you james?
Wife is an introverted over thinker. I had no complaints really, that I can recall...thus my grasping at any little thing to understand. My therapist said it is like a blindfolded drunk man playing darts...trying any direction any method to get the target.
Interactions now, other than the call to her last week to be present and that she was being cold? Now things are fine. No R talk, no physical anything. I do not call on the way home as I have since day one. Stopped that last week. This was the last thing on my 180 list. Something I used to do and no longer do. She has to ask if she wants to know something. I listen twice as much as I talk. I am pleasant and secretly in love smile
I do give her compliments, as I always have, but limit it to only ONE per day. I do not go for hugs, but do touch and smile a lot. Hope that explains it. I am pouring it all out on the table here. Thanks


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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Posts: 12,602
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"Wife is an introverted over thinker. I had no complaints really, that I can recall...thus my grasping at any little thing to understand."

I wasn't asking about YOUR complaints. I was asking about hers. There must have been something that she complained about. Even if they were small comments here and there. To her they were probably big issues but was too afraid to bring them up for whatever reason.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 273
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No complaints here, that is the same thing she would tell you. Recently, she did get mad....first time I have ever seen her mad, and it was at me. Says I do not listen to what she is saying. That I do not hear her. She does not want to be married anymore, she loves me, but not like she used to.


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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