Question: H.'s birthday is coming up. I've sent a funny card but neutral card that I signed, but don't know what I should do on the actual day.
Should I wish him a happy birthday...
Through a phone call? (After barely talking for a week and a half, I'm concerned this could feel awkward)
By email? (This is more impersonal, but wouldn't interrupt him if he was doing something else)
Over IM? (This is a pretty typical way of communicating and chatting for us - it wouldn't interrupt him if he was doing something but would still probably have us chat a little bit)
In any case, what do I say or not say to him? I definitely plan to stay away from mentioning the relationship, missing him, or his upcoming return home unless he brings them up. I also probably won't mention much about my trip and what I did. Is there anything else it would be good to say or good to avoid, though?
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I would just say happy birthday and see how he responds. I sent my H a text on his birthday, but considering we were actually separated at that point I may not be the best person to ask.
Now I"m off to go have fun with friends who aren't close. Have a good evening!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think a simple "have a nice birthday" or "happy birthday" is sufficient. No need to try to *say* anything additional.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I spent some time this morning picking apart my anxiety after I woke up.
Today, it seemed to be about fearing that the last four years - or possibly even ten years - would be a waste if we can't work this out. That I would have wasted the best years of my life on something that never became what it could have been. That I played a role in that failure and its wastefulness. That within the relationship my world became so small that there were many additional things that I didn't do that I could have.
Of course, that doesn't account for the fact that there were still many things that I did in that time. Finished a grad degree. Got a job, plus a number of side jobs. Made great friends. Got myself in a reasonable financial position.
Clearly it's not all bad, but the feeling that this time has been wasted was intense and a big driver of this morning's panic.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Listen, Meghan, I'm 42, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that we are both of us in our best years now, with many more still to come. You couldn't pay me to go back to my 20s. Your fear that you wasted them is based very largely on how unhappy you've been during the last few years.
Even if the marriage can't be salvaged you didn't waste your time with it -- it was an extended lesson that was necessary to get you ready to make your next chapter (whatever it is) AMAZING. So don't beat yourself up for that, make use of it.
Ever hear of the song "God Bless the Broken Road That Led Me Straight To You"? That title is like a mantra for me.
This experience will only have been a waste if you choose to waste it. Go be strong today.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, thank you - you are consistently able to say things that get me to calm down, reflect, and feel better. Thank you so much for all of your words of wisdom.
I'm much more up and awake now and feeling a good bit better. I need to get in some work today, and then I'm going to spend a bit of time out shopping with my mom. I've been living like a student for a long time (two years past actually being a student now), and I'm looking to make the apartment a bit nicer with some new household things coupled with a good cleaning and decluttering.
I think this is a good 180 in terms of actually making the apartment more pulled together and more functional. This is something that's been bothering both me and H. for awhile now, but I haven't really done a lot about it and have mostly let it frustrate and annoy me. Actually making some changes should feel good - it's something I've wanted to do for awhile now, and it might be good for him, too.
It's also a 180 in terms of spending a bit of money. I've been extremely frugal for so long that spending is something I very rarely do. Being a bit less tightfisted will be good for improving the apartment, but might also show a bit of a change to H., too, since he's always been frustrated with my unwillingness to spend money, both in general and on myself.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Somewhere along the way I've read that if you can just get to the other side of MLC, that those are actually the best years of our life. So - hang on! You can do this!
Journaling: Today was relatively calm. I managed to get some work done, get out for a bit, and generally focus on moving forward and imagining a good life for myself.
That said, I've found myself worried about how to talk to H. on his birthday a few times this afternoon. Interacting with him feels like a big deal now since we haven't really been in contact in days, and tomorrow I'm going to probably spend some time envisioning how that could go, so I'm as prepared as I can be for it.
I'm still not sure about how I actually want to contact him, though. Every decision like this still feels bigger than I want it to. Even when I acknowledge that his response to what I can do is not something I can control, I still have to make a choice in the first place, and I still want it to be the right one.
Phone, email, or IM? Decisions, decisions...
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Although I still miss talking to and sharing with H. (sometimes profoundly), staying out of contact seems to be getting a bit easier.
Getting enough sleep makes a huge difference in my mood and ability to manage how I'm feeling. Tired days make for lots of emotional problems.
There are a lot of little things that I enjoy that I've given up over the years. I'd like them back.
Working is a reasonable distraction and also makes me feel better. The trick is getting started, but limiting my time reading up on fixing marriages helps.
I feel kinder, more positive, and more open when I'm on my own. I don't know why this is, but it's something to look at further.
Lots of people in this world have issues that are far harder to deal with than mine. This is hard and difficult and painful, but I am still insanely lucky in a lot of ways that I would like to appreciate more.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
