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I feel sad. Honestly.

He is capable of being that man that I knew. But is that man always there and just doesn't want to be with me?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

I don't expect anything from this. I'm way too guarded to think of this as a positive


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I think it's nice he was able to be in your presence and be pleasant. In that moment.

I've been reading labug's old threads and there was something this morning that really resonated for me:

If your only reason for being here is to "Save My Marriage" you will be stuck in the same place a year, 2 years, forever. Lay down the save my marriage banner and pick up the one that says "Save Me"

If you're here to improve yourself, get rid of some old baggage and are open to the process you just might create a new life for yourself. It may or may not include your spouse but that might no matter.


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Here here! (Or hear, hear?)
I'm joining the "Save Me!" club. wink


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I am NOT defending him... but

Even the best of people have a bad day, and take it out on the next person they see. There have been numerous times in my life where I snapped or threw a dig, and it was just during a circumstance where someone caught me at the wrong time.

I think of the poor salesman who came in and cold called me the day after exW dropped the bomb on me...... I seriously doubt if he will EVER come back.

You responded appropriately (by not taking the bait).

Again, I am not excusing his behavior... but he has tons of emotions going on in his head too, and it feels like he is not dealing with them in a healthy way.

Off on a side one/armchair psychology: Part of me thinks a WAS hopes to hear after a bomb drop: "You know, I felt the same way... I was just afraid to bring it up"

And when the see/recognize things may not have been as bad as they built it up in their head (the grass is not greener), they try to act out and create reasons to justify their course of action.

It really throws them when they do not get the reaction they were trying to invoke.

Quote:
I don't expect anything from this. I'm way too guarded to think of this as a positive


I would not look at it as a positive.... but it is far from a negative. The truth lies somewhere in between (but closer to a positive).


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
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Woundedfool made me think of something that was a HUGE realization for me...

Now that I am not so anxious and depressed all the time, I can see that many of my H's statements or actions reflect HIS OWN anxieties or stress, and really have nothing at all to do with me! Now, instead of reacting immediately, I let myself breathe and re-read, or think about what he said through the lens of "what does this seem to suggest HE is anxious about?" rather than anything at all about me or his feelings for me.

Does that make sense?


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Claire - that TOTALLY makes sense!!! Realizing that H's temper tantrums were really more about himself than about me was a big eye opener for me!

It helped me kind of see where he was in his head (a little bit better anyway), but didn't make me shift my focus from the things that I was working on for me (which was good, because most of his rants really weren't my issues, so that had been confusing).

Haha - did I make sense? LOL.

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TO,

I'm glad to hear you had a nice exchange with your h. Sometimes when we relax and not think about what *might* happen allows us to have good interactions -with everyone! I. I do understand that you may feel a bit confused although you should just take it for what it was-a pleasant time with your h and boys.

In regards to what the WAS is missing.....hmmm. I'm going to be honest, I think that depends on the WAS. I should preface this by saying I'm kind of nerdy and read everything and like to look at everything from all perspectives. I keep hearing people say "show the WAS what they've given up or are leaving behind." I think the reality is that some folks decide they don't want any responsibilities or obligations so they *see* what they are missing and simply don't want to deal with it. It doesn't mean to stop focusing on you and building a full life for your boys. Absolutely not! I think it's just that for whatever reason , some people no longer want those responsibilities and obligations so in their mind, they are missing *stress*. They think *freedom* and *starting fresh * will make them happy and those stressors won't exist in their new life. And they won't.....until they do:-). It's called life. hope I don't sound like a downer.

Just my take on that. I'm sure many decide at some point down the road they do miss that and some probably continue to escape and avoid.

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/24/14 03:41 PM.


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Wounded - you better not be defending him or all those checks I mailed you to Cali will be cancelled. Haha

And yes all I totally agree. I believe when I don't give him the response he expects from me then he can ease up a bit and possibly enjoy himself. I just want him to look towards wanting to focus on our family rather than enjoying himself with the boys and I and then running home to Ow. I know that may sound wrong but it's how I feel. If he needs months to figure this out if it's something we COULD try I'm fine with waiting and working on me but to be pleasurable in these interactions but still run home to Ow is the wrench thrown in that I don't know how to deal with. I don't expect or plan to say anything and I know he needs to end it on his own I just don't get how to change or handle my course of action. I never thought a OP would be an issue in our relationship ever. We both used to talk about people that cheated and how we felt about it.

GB - my parents think that is what happened. That he wanted this life and now that he had it he didn't know what to do with it and it was too much for him. He turned into being too selfish to do this full time and went for the fix he knew - boss's couch with a. Teenager. Carefree.


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Originally Posted By: T0324
Wounded - you better not be defending him or all those checks I mailed you to Cali will be cancelled. Haha


Sorry, money went "poof".

Originally Posted By: T0324
I just want him to look towards wanting to focus on our family rather than enjoying himself with the boys and I and then running home to Ow. I know that may sound wrong but it's how I feel. If he needs months to figure this out if it's something we COULD try I'm fine with waiting and working on me but to be pleasurable in these interactions but still run home to Ow is the wrench thrown in that I don't know how to deal with. I don't expect or plan to say anything and I know he needs to end it on his own I just don't get how to change or handle my course of action. I never thought a OP would be an issue in our relationship ever. We both used to talk about people that cheated and how we felt about it.


That is indeed the hard part. You can work on yourself and make yourself near perfection. But if he doesn't work on his issues, then everyone is spinning their wheels.


Originally Posted By: T0324
GB - my parents think that is what happened. That he wanted this life and now that he had it he didn't know what to do with it and it was too much for him. He turned into being too selfish to do this full time and went for the fix he knew - boss's couch with a. Teenager. Carefree.


Your parents have quite a bit of wisdom smile

And now that there are external pressures on him:
1. Boss wants more production (or less at work contact with 19girl)
2. His welcome on the couch is wearing out (probably the driver behind him needing a place)
3. His L telling him to change/stop behavior
4. Family and friends not giving him unconditional approval for his path... creating isolation
5. Finding out the D will not be a financial windfall
6. Hearing the disappointment direct from the kids

He is seeing, the grass is not only NOT greener... its mostly weeds.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
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Wounded while I would love to agree since you always have been here for me since day one I beg. To differ.

I don't believe he sees the grass isn't greener. He's going on vacation every week. He has to get his own place because now that we have the date set for
Mediation he knows he won't get the boys.

He came by tonight to fix my
Washing machine. He insisted last night. I'm not sure why he thought I was home. My dad said he asked where I was. He had textd me also and asked if I was home. I said 'I'm out but my dad is there'

My dad ruined it for me and told him I was at work!

Anyway he said he's going to come over tomorrow to look at it again because I guess it needs a part. He also offered to trade me my broken BMW for the other car of mine he has. I asked if id be getting the BMW back he said 'see how everything goes with the attorneys getting things sorted out'. I left it at that.


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