breaking the Rules and cake eating

[KA65]

Ok here is my story sorry beforehand if I ramble.......


My husband and I have been married for 15 years been together 16
In Sept of 2012 I had corrective surgery done from the effects of stage 3 bladder cancer I had in 2006. Well after this surgery sex was too painful to even consider I chalked it up too scar tissue ..My husband has ALWAYS been very sexual person..So I felt bad for him and said he could seek a friend outside the marriage we only had 3 rules

1. He wouldn't fall in love

2. I could look anytime I wanted at text or email's that he sent to other woman

3. If I said stop it stopped

Well thing were going fine I knew he had friends here n there and that didn't bother me. And A couple of times I said stop and he did. So everything was going fine. Well this past January they finally figured out why sex was painful and I had surgery to correct it. We tried to have sex in February and it still hurt...I was upset and thought the surgery didn't work.Now as anyone knows if something is painful YOU DON"T WANT IT ....And I told my husband that my sex drive was gone which it was you don't like things that hurt you.
So anyway he started going to the bars and I guess hooking up there with woman.Until June when he told me he had met a woman that he was compatible with and it was gonna be so much better being with just 1 woman then the bar s which I agreed.
We even had this woman over to dinner where I could meet her. She seemed nice and even asked me if I was ok with this and that she would never be the "other" woman to A married an if the wife wasn't ok with it.Then they BOTH told me if I said stop it would stop ...So a week or so went buy and I look at the email's they are sending and they are planning trips together out west and how there lives are gonna be so wonderful and that they loved each other......I was pissed to say the least...I confronted Joe and he said oh it was just talk and the whole new relationship thing so I let it go..Then I see an email were they were together when he told me he was working
So I said that it had to stop it was going way too fast I mean I knew what they were doing but come there planning these trips and I am just suppose to sit here alone WTH.
Well Joe told me ok he would break it off with her this was weekend before last...So that Monday I think thing are fine she is gone ( Oh and in the meantime we tried sex again and it didn't hurt) so that was back. Well he didn't break it off like he said he would and she is not gonna break it off either....I am just at a total loss here I want to scream cry and just crawl in A hole and die...He tells me he still loves me and is IN love with me but that I am not gonna take away his fun...He also says every time I want to talk about it I am pushing him out the door so I can't even share my feelings with him about this the slightest little question sends him off. I even asked him about marriage counseling and he said no no reason just flat out no... I still have problems from the cancer and because of them I can not work And I haven't worked long enough as an adult to get disability busy raising his 2 kids and my 2 kids All are grown now but we are raising our 2 year old grandson ...
So when I said to him I have no say or choice about this he said yes you do we can sell the house and get A divorce WHAT I DO NOT WANT a divorce ...I have to give up my life of 16 years because he can't give up this woman??
Now he says how funny it is that my sex drive has come back right when he meets her I can not help that I got scared when we tried it and it was still sore maybe we tried too soon I don't know.

Now here is the kicker As long as I do not mention anything about this affair (It became an affair when they went back on there word in my book) and as long as I don't show any emotion over all of it everything is wonderful he leaves me love notes in the morning and has coffee set up for me ..He has brought me flowers if you were in my house you would swear we don't have a problem in the world he is al lovey dovey...And yet she is still in the picture and he is still planning trips with her and saying he loves her ...I still check his email's even though I have been forbidden to look at them anymore or his text either. Hell he tod me he was working late tomorrow is he no he is going to see her..

And not 10 min ago he sent me a text saying how I was the best wife A man could ever want....I am A complete wreck here.I can't eat can't sleep and I go around all day either crying with a knot in my stomach. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and can't express anything to him. I am lost and scared and hurt and mad and feel like the rug has been ripped from under me. I only did this to begin with because I love him so much and felt it was unfair for him not to be able to have sex it wasn't his fault I got sick.

I just want her gone but it doesn't look like that is gonna happen anytime soon. So here I sit miserable and upset

Is there anything I can do to feel A little normal againI don't know...

He is going to go see her this weekend and I am A total wreck and he doesn't seem at all bothered about it says he is but I don't see it

I love him so much and do not want to break my marriage up He is my whole world

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Ss06]

Kelly,

Having recently arrived on this board and got the courage to post, i also received Cadet's post you see above. Most of us do but let me tell you FOLLOW THAT ADVICE!!! I sat around thinking my situation was more unique than the others so the typical DB'n wouldn't work and I projected and mind read and over thought and did it all wrong. FOLLOW THE ADVICE ABOVE and GAL! Back off your H. Wake up tomorrow, take a shower, do your hair and make up, look nice - do something for YOU. Read DB/DR and take notes. LOTS of notes. Especially read about LRT and put it into practice. Smile. Make yourself happy. Go out with friends. Thank your H for his notes, etc. It'll throw him for a loop for sure and mystery is GOOD. If he asks why the change of heart just tell him you're thinking things through. Breathe. We're here for you but first... GAL!

[pbetra]

Kelly,
sorry to read of your experience at this time. Joe's actions don't 'match' his notes. Ss06 is right. Many of us started pretty much the same - hurt, confused, anxious & BETRAYED. Follow Cadet's advice & GAL!!

I have been catching up on all of his suggested reading. I am in still in 'data gathering' stage, so a lot is not sorted out as yet, but I can post 1 link for now. Try to distract yourself as much as you can - esp. in the beginning. Take care of yourself - he's going to do what HE wants anyway, so start your plan for yourself. It's going to be awhile. Don't let him get you sicker.
Your mind is strong & a good healthful diet, some 'brain dumping' (venting, meditation,) to alleviate the anxiety, in addition to the advice here will help you go a long, long way.

This link may also help:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=66009#Post66009

Remember too that there are many good people here. You have support here. I am also dealing with a cake eater (who is on 'borrowed time & doesn't know it yet - relative to 'pending outcomes'). Franky, I don't know where I would be had I not stumbled across this forum & the wonderful people here. Follow the advice - & welcome again p.

[KA65]

Thank you all for the advice I am taking it day by day here...He is planning to go see her the weekend of the 22 (saw an email) and they email and call each other everyday...so far he has not said he wants out well he has said it if we are fighting but then he says he doesn't once the fight is over...so still confused and do not know what to do just wanted to say thank you