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Hi Stacey very sorry you find yourself here. Have you read Sandi's 37 rules at the top of the newcomers thread? Start there. You will hear the word GAL a lot. It means to get a life. Focus on you. Exercise eat well and look happy when around him. Don't pursue him as it will push him away. Look your best at all times, look busy act "as if" everything is fine...
Take a step back and just listen to what he has to say. Don't agree to anything. We are fragile at the beginning when something like this occurs. When fragile you are bound to agree to anything as long as the spouse stays. It doesn't happen like that. Just listen and breath.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Stacey,

If you do not want a D, then do not help with the D process. Make him do the work for it. As for the OW, remember most of these things die out after 6 months. Right now he is in a fog, and cannot see or think clearly. He sees her grass as super green. But just remember, her yard is full of dog poop just like everyone else's. Once he starts stepping in the piles, he will realize this new OW is not the utopia he once thought. Keep working on yourself, and being the woman he would be a fool to leave.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Thank you both for great advice. Pilot what you said about ow makes me feel much better but I do think their R has been going on for about a year, looking back that's when he really detached from me.

Do you think I should tell him I don't want a D? Should I act like I don't care?

So confused and sad😞
X


Me - 44 Husband - 47
D20, S18
BD - Aug 2013
Moved out - Jan 2014
OW discovered Jan 2014
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Stacey he knows you don't want a D. But You can always say "H I don't want a D, but I won't stop you". In reality divorces are only needed to be initiated by one person and there is no stopping it. Act happy, don't let him see you sweat.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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don't act like you don't care... read the chapter in DR referring to The Last Resort Technique. That's what Rick is referring to above when he talks about Sandi's list of things you can do. That list of things will make you feel like you have some control and it starts with YOU. Do things to make yourself look good, feel good, meet up with friends for coffee, join a book club, take your walks like you used to do... in short, make yourself happy. That doesn't mean you shouldn't think about your situation but this WILL HELP.

My theory about your H being cold to you since you saw him with OW is he's waiting for some kind of lash out and he's being defensive with his behavior. Read DR and you'll find mention of what's called "180s". By not lashing out or even responding to his expectations of you regarding the OW you're doing a 180. Keep it up. Take steps to make yourself feel strong. Use this time to build your self esteem. You mentioned that your H is a good looking man a few times. I bet you're one heck of a looker too but you need to believe in yourself! And I don't mean just fake it till you make it... take this time to discover more about yourself and make yourself into the person you WANT to be. Stop being insecure - what can you do to help yourself there? Do a 180 on yourself. Affirm your strengths, make a list and make them stronger. Doing all of this will definitely make your H curious and that's the start to something different.

breathe. We're here for you.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Oh thank you all for such positive advice. I feel much better now than I did when H left tonight.

I think I will try and get some legal sdvice before next Wednesday so at I will have some idea where I stand financially in terms of the house etc.

You are all right in what you are telling me and ss06 that makes so much sense about H expecting a reaction from me regarding the ow, He would have totally expected me to slate her.

I do have the db book do you think I may be too late for this?

Thanks again for the great advice
Stacey x


Me - 44 Husband - 47
D20, S18
BD - Aug 2013
Moved out - Jan 2014
OW discovered Jan 2014
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It is never too late. There is always hope.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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I hope so.

I made an appt with a lawyer she told me to listen to what he says on Wednesday but don't agree to anything. She will advise what I am actually entitled to.

I just hope I can remain calm and not cry or lose my temper.

I will just need to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Stacey x


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Keep your head up Stacey. I'm only a couple months into this, but in a very similar situation as you.

Things that I felt, that it sounds like you are feeling

It will feel like the world is crumbling around you
The OP will be the focus of your life for a while
H will be changing in mood, and you will key into those
Life feels like it is a whip, and you are on the tip being slung around

3 months into the spiral, and 2 months into the separation I can assure you -

While every day there are ups and down, and seeing your ex can be hard, things do get better. You will regain the ability to function, your pride, and also start to get a clear vision of your spouse and the relationship you had.

You will find strength that you never knew existed, as well as find that you have deep friendships that are valuable and lasting.

I know it's hard to go through this, but you are not alone. Keep you head up, follow Sandi's rules, Detach and GAL. You will make it through this.


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
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This is very hard stuff Stacey. It would best serve you to be at your best. No crying or lashing out. It would make things worse. Look good and smell good. Smile and be dignified. I know it will take all of your energy to be composed but you have to...

You need to get everything that you are entitled to. In order for that to happen you need to put the emotions aside. Place your heart in a box and onto a shelve until a later date.. You can do this.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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