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Quote:
To complicate things Ive met a woman in the same sitch and she is very nice and very attractive and she wants to get together for coffee and talk .


RUN!!!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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dawgy Offline OP
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yeah im having a really rough day . i was drinking a bit on the weekend and that may contribute to my down feelings . When i feel like this i wish i could just flip a switch and turn those feelings off . Its very hard > I miss mife wife sooooo much but im trying hard to detach which means more detaching . I can see how detaching keeps her around but it doesnt seem to draw her in . Sometimes it seems to a bit but not much . I hurt so bad today that i back slid alot . I texted her clingy needy message then she called me and i was a mess .I hate myself every time i backslide but the pain is so great . Im gonna read Sandis rules again > i hope someone can chime in because Im a complete mess today


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 334
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Dawgy -

We all have good days and bad days. Today's a bad day - or it has been one up until now. Sometimes you just have to decide that it's not going to be a bad day anymore and move on.

For instance - H is going to OW's city tomorrow. I have NO idea now what is going on. In the past, I have usually spent this day fretting and acting cold towards him. Today it is a beautiful day in the northeast so I've been outside with the dog. I've been super polite and pleasant to strangers (and hey - they're nice back, so that feels good!). I've spent much of the day with D and her friend getting them ready for camp. If I'm distracted, then I'm not so much of a mess. Distract yourself! I've got LOTS more to do on my to do list....if you don't have a to do list - make one! On my to do list include some work things, some home things, and some everyday things (like - find something that makes me feel good....Yesterday I heard bullfrogs when I was running, and that made me smile. Today I spied a cardinal flying around, brilliant red through a verdant green forest...That was a thing of beauty!).

Anyway - hang in there. I know you feel needy. I totally, totally get it. But when you detach a little bit, you realize, maybe not ACTUALLY needy. I think we like to think that we are needed and it's nice to feel like you "need" someone...but you don't. That's a little sad, I get it. I was at the airport this weekend looking at lots of couples reuniting, and I wondered if I would ever have that exciting, super happy rush again. I might not....BUT - I'm okay. I really am okay standing on my own two feet. Would I like to get back to that place? I think so...I don't know if I ever will. That was a place based on fearlessness and blind trust, and I don't know if I will ever feel that way again. Time will tell.

Haha - feel better? I'm all over the place!

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Sandi, you're funny!. But yes, I agree. Run. Last thing you need is a rock solid reason for your wife to blame everything on you. Besides adding an OW into the mix is hellbent for trouble.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
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Dawg I am truly sorry for what is happening to you. I haven't found your previous thread but I do understand wanting to be there for the kids and keep them out of harms way. But reading Db and reading DR (which honestly give me a swift kick that I needed) it will help you see that there is a chance of making this situation better....for you. You have to stop and detach. It is hard. Read my thread and I am still figuring it out. I have done 180 from what my wife usually sees and I got a little response. Not a huge she wants me back but a little one and I will take that over what I was getting before I read the books. My W would tell me that it is none of my business what she is doing and that hurt. I told her everything I did and this weekend I didn't and I saw results. Like I said minor and I don't believe a thong she says and only half the the things I see.

You have to make her see that you will be fine with or with out her. Inside we hurt and we cry when we are alone and ask God why but you have to start this. The an she fell in love with that was you needs to come back. Let me ask this, when you first got with your wife and you two got serious would you have been ok with her doing what she is currently doing? I realized tonight that in my situation that if the woman I fell in love with was acting like the W I have now and is acting I would have never said let's go out all those many moons ago. I am going to guess and say you wouldn't have been. So find that old dawg and bring him back. Honestly that is the best feeling.

Remember NC, 180, and GAL. It might not save your marriage but it will save your sanity and brotha this is taking a toll on it. Also I found when I drank I would get sappy and want to call and backslide. So I drink still but not even close enough to make me backslide. I can't for my sake. You can do this.


ME 31 / W 35
M 3 / T 7
S 2 / S 14 D 5 / D 8

ME MOVED OUT 06/07/14
W THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR EVERYONE 7/2/14
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dawgy Offline OP
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Thanks Guys /Gals for the feedback . Just had a couple brutal days dealing with anxiety and depression over my sitch . I keep having about two days of this then I snap out of it for a week or so . This has been going on for months now . When I get like this I hide it very well and I busy myself to try and alleviate the immense pain . I feel much better today after crying for about 20 mins last night . I feel so stupid for crying when I should be manning up .But the crying seems to stop the anxiety and depression . Does anybody else have this reaction ?

Meanwhile I have no clue what my sitch is because I havent asked , or snooped or pryed into whats been going on with her and the A or A's . She has been drawn back to me in anyway that I can see from my detachment as of yet . She started too a couple times weeks ago but now nothing . Just as distant as when i was snooping


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 334
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Stay the course, Dawgy. Not snooping is ultimately better for your sanity (it definitely was for mine, anyway...). And remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time time time time time. I think MWD says that it takes three times as long as it feels like it should, and it feels like it's taking forever. (A very bad paraphrase - but something like that!)


Stop focusing on what SHE is doing, and refocus on yourself. (I know - hearing that from me is laughable. Sorry. Pot, this is kettle...you're black.)

As for the anxiety and depression - for sure I still have good days and bad days. I have good hours and bad hours. A bad place for me right now is the car. I've spent so much time crying in the car after dropping a kid off (because it was a safe place when I knew I was alone) that it's almost a trigger. Really need to work on stopping that. I think, too, that I practice the "I'm not going to make it" speech too much. I need to really reprogram myself to a "I'm TOTALLY going to make it" speech. Because right now H and I are on different paths and I need to watch the footing on my own path. His journey is about him, and my journey is about me....BUT - I'm quite hopeful that our paths will converge again.

I'm feeling pretty optimistic this morning. Not sure why. So many people go through MLC (25%! That's really a lot!) and so many people actually manage to come out on the other side of it okay. It's a weird part of life, but people get through it, just like kids get through toddlerhood and adolescence. Patience, faith....And more patience. You can do this!

I found a four-leaf clover in the yard just now, so I'll pass that luck along to everyone here!

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dawgy Offline OP
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Thank you MLC . We coincide once again . I too use my truck to have my breakdowns . But Im ok with it because it is a safe place and alone . I will even have full on conversations with myself trying to counsel me . Strange ? maybe , but it seems to help me . Today though i was offered an opinion to EXPOSE the affair . That is the only way to end it , so I was told . But DB says no to this and is not considered a good DBing practice . But I see others say it is . I refuse to EXPOSE mainly for my childrens sake .I would do anything to not have them feel the pain that IVe felt over the last 4 months . However I wish I knew the right path to take because Im not seeing any results in what im doing . I could have all the patience in the world if I knew that she was going to stay in our marriage but I dont know . So it leaves me with the question of what is the right path to take


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
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No shame in crying. I cry too. Not as much as I used to. Yes, crying does help. It's sad. That's the reality of it.

The DBing thing is for your own sanity as much as it is for changing your relationship. It's only been a month since I've been following your thread - it was a month ago that you feared she would move out. You started the DBing. She's still at home with you. (I wish my W was home with me.) So you did something right.

Had you pursued, begged, pleaded, etc she would have been gone by now. She's still at home. Consider that a major step in the right direction. Stay the course. This will take some time.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 309
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Thx Peter . Your right she is still home . Im a terrible person for the glass being half empty . I do for my own sanity have to live in the moment and keep the glass half full . I worry alot about the future and I likely project that out there . So the remedy for that is to live in the moment , correct ? I worry day to day about whether she is gonna leave . The end of the month is coming again , so I wonder ? but I havent seen any evidence pointing towards a move . But then again thats not living in the moment thats worrying about something that may not happen .

That being said Pete , If your wife was still at home how would you use that to your advantage ?? You say you wish she was still home , so how would that make your sitch better? What are steps I can employ to keep her there ?


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
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