I'm confused as to why you are even entertaining the idea of going on dates with your wife or being physical with her when she is still at the very least spending time with OM. Are you comfortable in an open marriage?
It is very strange to me the way you question her about what she is doing with OM while you also pursue her. It seems very self-destructive to me.
Why have you not set a boundary with your W wrt her still seeing OM and also having friendship with you? ?
He leaves in about two weeks. She has told him to not come back, she does not want him to put her through this turmoil, she can't miss work, she can't miss time with her son.
S21 is moving home with his fiancée due to a job in NYC....
I just did not want to loose any connection we have...
I did tell her I could not go to the gym on the weekends with her while he is here.
She rushes me so that she can get to him by whatever time was set...
The reason is because if she's late she says there is always an " altercation"
Thing is she complains to me that we have worked out together for 30 years...told her I am not your " personal trainer" I am your husband...
How much time does she spend with each time? How do you know it's not physical do you go check from distance? Or send a friend or PI?. If not are you just letting them have their fun in hopes it's the last hookup?
She's still having an A, just so you are clear. She is spending majority of her time with him. She rushes to be with him. She moved out of your bedroom while she was here ( this was not out of respect for you)
If she was done with him, she would just be done with him. Even if it's not ohysical ( and I truly believe it still is ). Then it's and EA.
And if you are cool with being in an open M, then that's one thing.
I feel for your kids. Watching their dad peruse their mom while she is in an active Affair. It must be so confusing to them.
And she is indeed in an active affair.
It's your life you do as you chose, but your time would be much better spent mainly focusing on you and D 16 and not perusing W.
Just my two cents.
I was offered by a forensic pathologist customer if mine to do a Semen Analysis of her undergarments Not sure if I want to do this.
On the other hand I am Not pursuing her anymore.
I have realized it just gets me anxious when I do not like the response
She says she left the bedroom for her own mind. She does not want to be in a bed with any man at this time. I really don't think it was done out of disrespect.
Why is semen analysis ick? Well, I suppose it's ick in the sense of thinking about his semen on her garments, but so is an STD test ick and so is a paternity test ick. The semen test is to see if she is having sex with OM. That's a good thing to do...to know what is going on. Why do you say Just No?
Ox, you should really, really listen to GabbysMom. You are on the wrong track.
Totally agree. In all my time on these boards (which is a LOT), I don't think I've ever seen another poster combine so much PASSIVITY with yet so much AGGRESSIVENESS. Ox is neither laying any strong boundaries, nor is he leaving his wife alone, either. He allows her to continue her affair, with near-cuckold status for himself, all the while picking at her with "how's your boyfriend" "did you kiss him?" "did you sleep with him?"-type jabs.
Absolutely, positively the WORST hybrid approach you can do, in my opinion. As much as I'm not a big fan of the totally-soft (what I call "Bo-Peep") approach of just waiting out affairs while working on yourself, it would be far better for him to do even THAT than what he's currently doing.
Ox, you should really, really listen to GabbysMom. You are on the wrong track.
Totally agree. In all my time on these boards (which is a LOT), I don't think I've ever seen another poster combine so much PASSIVITY with yet so much AGGRESSIVENESS. Ox is neither laying any strong boundaries, nor is he leaving his wife alone, either. He allows her to continue her affair, with near-cuckold status for himself, all the while picking at her with "how's your boyfriend" "did you kiss him?" "did you sleep with him?"-type jabs.
Absolutely, positively the WORST hybrid approach you can do, in my opinion. As much as I'm not a big fan of the totally-soft (what I call "Bo-Peep") approach of just waiting out affairs while working on yourself, it would be far better for him to do even THAT than what he's currently doing.
Starsky
Starsky
I did not say I was going to do it. It's just that she has said he is just a good friend and that she can't break all ties because she does not want to hurt him.
Enough about OM and WW.
I think the reason I have been so passive with the affair is directly related to what you say in the second part of your message about the way I act towards her. That is the issue For some reason with my wife I have always been two guys at once.
Since I am really trying to stop that and as 25 has said I am a lot better than I was I DONT want to come off as this Out-of control lunatic that packs up his wife's stuff and leaves it on the driveway .
Plus we are equal on the mortgage everything except my family trust inheritance is split 50/50 I was told that it is 99% impossible to get her out of the house, The only choice is to make her so uncomfortable she leaves...well what good does that do then I am the bad guy----AGAIN.
It's OK for us to disagree, agreeably, Ox. I was mainly just capturing those thoughts for others following along, in case they could take anything from them. "Passive-aggressive" is just about the worst way to DB, so I was pointing it out.
Your wife is an odd bird, so who knows. Maybe this will all work out for you two. I certainly hope so.
I wonder if the real reason you are focused so much on your W and her OM/A is that turning inward and thinking about what YOU need to do to work on YOU (to become the best YOU that you can be) feels too difficult and scary right now.
I hear that. I was in that place for a long, long time. But I assure you, you will not find peace (within yourself, your marriage, anything) until you LOOK INWARD.
Can you set a teeny tiny goal of going ONE day without focusing on your W and her A? What about half a day? What will you do during that time? What can you reward yourself with if you reach that goal?
Is your IC helping you with any of this!?!? If not, you need to find a new one, stat. You've been at this for months and are still mostly stuck. How can you find the inner strength (and outside support) to help you get UNSTUCK?
