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cq1 #2471879 07/24/14 07:41 AM
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"As for hope in my M, I don't think about it much as before. I realize it's because of all the pain from the A and lies. In a way, this helped me find my self confidence. "

That's not the way to gain "self" confidence. That comes from within and shouldn't rely on your W's actions. The way you are viewing it will only build resentment in you.

You did well with establishing your boundary, although I would have shown her some proof to her that you had to show that you knew she was lying instead of just talking about it. Sometimes the WAS needs to actually SEE the physical proof in front of them to show them that the LBS isn't playing around.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2471884 07/24/14 08:18 AM
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Thanks Mr.Bond. Can't show her proof or I will lose my intel. It's actually simple, phone records, from phone carrier. I said it before on my posts. I know I shouldn't snoop, but it helped me find the truth for myself. Thanks again for your advice.

cq1 #2471888 07/24/14 08:48 AM
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What she is doing is giving you "trickle truths". The WAS will often do that because they can't give the whole truth all at once because it's too hurtful or sometimes feel that they don't want to do more harm to the LBS. Twisted, I know, but that's the way it is.

The trickle truths will continue until the WAS feels the need to tell the LBS. Sometimes you need to start with a baby step to get things feeling safe for the WAS so that they will eventually tell you the truth.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2471955 07/24/14 02:25 PM
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So you confronted your W about communicating with OM and she lied about it again? I know you haven't told her how you know, but don't you think she's catching on that it's the phone records?

Back in my pre-DB days I found phone records and confronted my W with them. This was the first discovery of them and I didn't set out good boundaries in place (basically I messed it up). After that my W went to a burner phone to communicate with OM. Not saying it's going to happen with you.... but if you didn't find anything in the phone records and she's being nice to you are just going to assume it's over with OM?


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recng #2472665 07/26/14 02:30 AM
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Update...yes, I felt horrible about myself that I jumped back in so fast. So last night I confronted wife again about her lies. She denied and we got into a heated argument. I let her know how I knew the truth. I told her I used our cell phone records. Time and date and what number was called and for how long. Busted. So I asked her why she had to lie like this, when I just wanted some truth from her so i can walk away. Well, she said she didn't want to hurt me. I told her the lies hurt more. Then she went into saying that she will cut all communication with OM completely from now on. And she wanted us to address our marital problems that brought us to this Sitch. Happy to say, I had and still have the strength in me to tell her I was glad she has the courage to initiate steps in addressing our core problems, however, at this time I dont feel it. And I didnt care about our M much because of the lies and deceit. I told her I just want out of this M this point. Told her I don't trust her at all. I want to move on because the world we created is broken and I just don't have the desire to heal it. She cried and I left it at that. Next morning, she's back to her old self living each day as if she thinks I'm not serious. She thinks that I am going to soften up and take her back. In addition, I reiterated my boundaries to her again. I said to her what if OM calls her, she answered quickly, I'll just block his number.

As Im typing this she texted me to see if we were going to eat dinner together tonight like in 30 min. I ignored her text. Then I continue typing here and she just called. She asked if I got her text. I said yes. She asked if we were going to have dinner together I said it doesn't matter to me. She said hey why do you sound so mad. I said I'm not. I just don't care if we do or don't. 180 in the works. No more Mr.Pleaser. We ended the conversation with her coming home but Im not going to lift a finger in cooking for us. Detaching I am. Feels good. Will not backslide. Vets and or anyone, I need some suggestion as to how I should be. I am projecting a mellow DGAF kinda tone. Is this too harsh?

During the day, we worked together and I picked up no actions from her in wanting to work on our MR. I just left it like that and honestly I didn't care as much. Don't want to mind read but I think she's either thinking she's playing me well or she just wants a bit of calmness from our recent harsh arguments.


Vets, please chime in as you all have been there for me before with profound advice. Thank you in advance.

Cq1

cq1 #2472685 07/26/14 05:30 AM
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Originally Posted By: cq1
Happy to say, I had and still have the strength in me to tell her I was glad she has the courage to initiate steps in addressing our core problems, however, at this time I dont feel it. And I didnt care about our M much because of the lies and deceit. I told her I just want out of this M this point. Told her I don't trust her at all. I want to move on because the world we created is broken and I just don't have the desire to heal it. She cried and I left it at that. Next morning, she's back to her old self living each day as if she thinks I'm not serious.


So you told her you want out and then you did what about it? Serve her with divorce papers? Why would she believe you if you don't do anything about it, besides just talking? It probably would have been better to give her an ultimatum like "I can't continue in a marriage like this. End all contact with OM or I will file for divorce." At least that would have her scrambling. Right now you told her you were done, apparently no matter what she does. Are you actually ready to do that?

Originally Posted By: cq1
In addition, I reiterated my boundaries to her again. I said to her what if OM calls her, she answered quickly, I'll just block his number.


Sure she will.

Originally Posted By: cq1
She asked if we were going to have dinner together I said it doesn't matter to me. She said hey why do you sound so mad. I said I'm not. I just don't care if we do or don't. 180 in the works. No more Mr.Pleaser. We ended the conversation with her coming home but Im not going to lift a finger in cooking for us. Detaching I am. Feels good. Will not backslide. Vets and or anyone, I need some suggestion as to how I should be. I am projecting a mellow DGAF kinda tone. Is this too harsh?


You don't sound mellow. You sound angry. Why would she stay for that? This is the time to GAL.... So what are you going to do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day.....


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recng #2472689 07/26/14 08:39 AM
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Thanks reg. points well taken.

cq1 #2472910 07/27/14 09:21 AM
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This morning, wife came down and asked if we could spend the day together with our kids. I was in a grouchy mood because of all the lies still. She caught me at the wrong time and so I told her that I had made plans with the kids already. It didn't include her. She changed her attitude right away and asked me with anger " so you don't want to see me anymore?" I didn't answer. Then she asked again, "so this is what you want, you don't want to see me anymore right?" I answered, "Im not sure, but as of right now, I don't." Then i asked her if she talked to that mf? she said no. I kbew she was lying so I put my hand up towards her and said dont say anything else. I don't want to hear lies." She closed the door with an attitude and left. I didn't pursue. I just continued my day. About 30 mins past and she comes down to get our cc statements and other household bills to pay. She had an attitude and i did not initiate conversation. Then, when we were standing next to each other. I put both of my hands on her shoulder, looked her in the eyes and said, " just yesterday you said you wanted to work on our R, you said things to me that I want to believe in but I don't. If you want me to believe in your words then do whatever you can to make me believe. And you know if we are ever going to make us work, you need to stop all contact with that mf ( sorry to swear, but that's how it went down). She looked me in the eyes and said "I know."

Something I forgot to mention, she said to me the other day when I was laying down my boundaries (couple days ago when she made a move towards our MR), she told me to trust her in handling the end of her contact with OM. Maybe she is doing it and doesn't want me to think that they still have an A going on. Oh believe me everyone, I'm as skeptical as ever. I don't trust my W one bit at this time because of all the lies. I'm sure anyone in my Sitch would feel the same.

So then she started cooking lunch and wanted to know if I wanted to eat. I said no. Then when she was almost done making lunch she said eat some lunch ok. I obliged. We ate together and everything was calm. Right after I was done, I thanked her and said it was good. Then I left.

At this point, I sense that she knows that I will leave her for good. So I'm mind reading that she may be ending the contacts with OM her way. However, and that's a big HOWEVER, I am still skeptical and haven't given up on the thought that I am getting played. If I am, I admit, she's really good at it. In my entire time of knowing my W, I've never seen her act so real to any kind of ploy. Usually, if not always, I know that if she was not happy with me she would go silent and ignore me. So why all the attention right now? If she is planning on being with the OM in the end, why is she so nice now to me? I ask myself, what do i have that she doesn't want me to do now? Is it because of my evidence of the A, that they do not wante to expose it to the OM wife? Why should it matter now if the OM wife already found out on her own? The only thing I can think of is she still wants me to continue to take care of our business while leading up to the big D. But I am doing it, even after I mentioned to her that I was done and and not fighting for our M anymore. It's like what MWD described about the seesaw. I backed off in fighting for our M now W is showing some signs of fighting for our M even though its very limited. Limited because she's still figuring out if she can be happy with our R.

Well as of now, I'm just taking one day at a time GAL and doing the things I want to do.

cq1 #2473161 07/28/14 08:17 AM
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Vets ( Wonka, Sandi, Starsky, anyone...) I need some advice please. I'm not sure how I should act when I am with W. should I be happy, angry, or DGAS attitude? Continue GAL and ignore her advances on rekindling (slowly) with me? Feeling a bit lost and your advice is much needed now.

cq1 #2473171 07/28/14 11:05 AM
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It's normal to feel lost and normal to be all over the place emotionally.

You seriously should call and get a DBusting Coach. I would ask for Chuck. They are the experts. Money well spent. They are TRAINED in these types of things. Why would you not get help from a coach when your marriage is teetering on the brink?

When a person has money issues, they go to a money expert.
When a person has a problem with their vehicle they can't fix, they go to a trained mechanic.

No different here. Get a coach. They can get you centered and on the right path. You won't be sorry.

Good luck.


Justin Credible
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