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I'm actually glad Starsky told you that the way he told you. B/C he did also tell you this is NOT a DB method,

but it's not necessarily wrong. It's not just espoused here as part of "the way" but like he says, it helped in HIS situation.

I happen to think he got kind of lucky or maybe he just handled it carefully enough AND OR maybe his wife just pushed him too much.

But usually, and I mean almost always, I see the involvement of others backfire.


That's b/c USUALLY it's coming from a place of anger (punishment) which makes the LBS look like a raving vindictive nut, or just an angry person who "deserved" to be cheated on (sorry but I really have seen that said more than once)

or it comes from the desire to control the other person, and or to avoid owning your part in whatever the marriage problems were.

I have never seen it help to involve a 3rd party, I have seen it hurt the chances of a recon in every other case (except Starsky's). My HS Class reunion was coming up and on our FB page, some LBW posted about OW "stealing her h" and warning our classmates not to "let their h's out of their sight" or OW would steal them...a number of people contacted me (I'm the admin of the FB page) and asked me to delete the LBW's post.

No one said a word about OW (our classmate) or the h (also a classmate) and the few comments I heard were all negative and all about the wife!

I felt bad for the w, but as my classmates said, "why put that on OUR class page?"

Her post was designed to embarrass/shame her h and the OW, obviously.

And that did not reflect well on the Wife, and that's how it was seen.


Right or wrong, that's^^ not an uncommon reaction. Just so you know.

Please Keep your eye on the ball and the ball is YOU, not the OM. He's a symptom, not the cause.

Do you get that?

What are YOUR 180s? What are the traits in you that you want to work on?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25,

With all due respect, did you even READ his initial post? It's ALL ABOUT the positive changes he made. Meanwhile, his wife PLAYED HIM.

There was nothing "lucky" about a strong hybrid approach of positive self-improvement mixed with strong boundaries and self-protection. It's worked for PLENTY of people around here, including some current sitches (like Train's, just off the top of my head).

The OM may not be the CAUSE, but he is most certainly the most immediate OBSTACLE.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Lucky? I think Starsky has some of the best advice out there. Why? Because it works. Sho, do not be the doormat. If you want to take the "be the better man" approach, make sure you are doing it for YOU!


Edited for your protection.
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For six weeks now since the BD, I have been heavily invested in 180s and focusing on ME. I made drastic changes in my life, was more present for my family and W and planned fun events. My W noticed these changes (she told me). So if I had not discovered the A, I would have continued down this path.

However, knowing about the A changes everything for me. With OM in the picture, we cannot work on our M. But I also understand the risk of telling anyone else about the A. My reason for doing so is not to shame my W. She has done that on her own. My reason is she will look to her friends for advice and if they hear her side of the story only, the advice will be skewed and prejudiced.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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