MLC W Seeing Other Men

[AJM]

I went back and read those July threads and then some, Wet.

I stand by the idea that you need to do things for YOU. If you decide LRT is for YOU, then stick by it. Not to show her anything. Not out of anger. But because it works best for you. If being friends works for you better, then by all means do so.

Your friend liked the picture, because he knew it was what you wanted and he knows your W is off the deep end.

One of the biggest struggles I've had since ex left, is the reintegration of her with the kids. My daughter doesn't want to talk to me in three years, but spouts the same things her mom and H spout off about. Recently the ex brought up some medical stuff with my son to which I responded. I originally said I'd handle it, but figured she wanted to be a "mom". Turned out to be a circular conversation ending with her H cc'ing my daughter into the conversation and telling me I should tell my kids I don't love them and accusing me of cheating on my ex. I figured he was feeling some low self esteem or something. My ex followed it up by asking me (nicely) for some old family pictures.

If I wanted to read into things, I'd say she was trying to manipulate me. Mean to nasty, and ask something nicely kind of thing.

Know what? I haven't a clue as to what the motivation was. It's been like that for years now. She tries to do the same cycles over and over again. I don't read into them any longer, but I recall in the beginning that it was very confusing to me. I look back now and figure I just was too close to crazy and it's infectious.

Try not to mind read, but note that it will seem crazy to you. It'll seem odd if she says she wants stability so she moves out to be on her own and date a bunch of people. That's contradictory, Wet.

That's the world the MLCr lives in, trying to survive day to day.

AJ

[Wet]

Thanks AJ for looking at my sitch. "Friends" with W? I've tried that during the 13 months that we have been separated, and she still continues seeing other men. I am doing LRT for me to help me be away from her situation, stop thinking about her so much, and to see if the loss of my friendship helps her see that her actions have consequences.

I am following the instructions of Sandi on this, to be "indifferent" towards her, as a W has no respect for a H who is a friend while she is seeing someone else. I am nobody's Plan B, and I hope this is coming through by my actions.

AJ, how are you getting through the day with the loss of contact of your daughter? The manipulation used by your ex seems pretty typical, but having no contact with your D seems like it must be the worst. What is your plan? What are you doing to GAL?

[AJM]

It's been years now, Wet. What am I doing about my Daughter? Nothing. Daughter follows her mother's track and abuses etc. and doesn't want to talk, except to accuse and be rude. The last exchange wore me out. After the ex and her H the last time, my daughter chimed in following suit.

Me? Stick a fork in me with regards to my daughter. I'm done for now. Was it painful at first? Absolutely the worst. My daughter and I were thick as thieves until just before her 16th birthday. At the same time, she missed a lot of time with her mom for years. I made a conscious choice to not make my daughter choose. Her mom seems to feel she should, and for now she is.

Is what it is and will either resolve itself in a way I like, or it will be in a way I don't like. Either way, I have no say in the matter to be honest.


GAL? Heck, I've had to scale back on some of that so I could get some sleep. Son, school, work, gf, house, family, vacations, hobbies, church, volunteer work etc are keeping me plenty busy for GAL activities. I once thought about getting a puppy, after my cat died and figured that would be a silly thing to do.

I was only relaying the information about my situation because on these boards we don't often talk about those things. We usually deride the person who does as not having moved on or say they are focusing on the other too much. I think we lose some of the ability to learn and socialize our experience if we do that, so I'm posting it. I do hope it helps, but I long ago dealt with the feelings part of this. These are just actions while I work to get ex to stay out of my life. Seems them leaving doesn't mean the same to them as it does to us

AJ

[kat727]

How have the last couple of days been? I hope you are finding good things to grab in to in your day to day life. Have you heard from the job?

Hoping you have a blessed evening and are somehow able to find some peace.

kat

[Wet]

Thanks for checking in Kat, and I hope you have a great birthday.

Not much contact with W. She texted me to ask if I would take S12 tonight. I said no. I have an early (6 am) men's group, lunch with my parents, and the 2 pm interview for a job - none of which I mentioned to W. So I told her I would pick him up tomorrow afternoon.

I know this is wrong, but I re-started email communications with a single woman whom I really like. She always lifts my spirits, and it is fun to write back and forth with a friend. She previously broke it off when I told her last May that I was still married, but it is not bothering her now.

[kat727]

It is only wrong based on your intent. Are you only looking for friendship? Or are you hoping and looking for more? Some people seem fine dating while seperated. Personally,you are married until you legally are not. Everyone has to look at their own moral compass and decide that .

kat

[Wet]

Thanks Kat. You see through what I am doing. I'm just so disappointed and shocked by what I saw on W's cellphone, that I am wrestling with whether or not this is worth it. I click with the single woman, I make her laugh, she makes me feel clever, funny, and I like having another women enjoying my writing to her. She knows I am still married, and she is cautioning me against giving up on my marriage.

But I don't know...

[kat727]

So let's not make you or her into cheaters. You are looking to her to help you feel better, which makes her a bandage. That isn't healing. That is looking for someone else to take away your pain.

By trying to bypass it, you are only prolonging the inevitable. You have to work past it. I mentioned before that unless you and your wife do the self work,you won't want to even try to work on your marriage. First get you where you want to be, then if your wife is looking to come back, she will have work to do on herself and then you will have to work on recreating your relationship.

Food for thought. kat

[Wet]

Your great Kat. How did you get to be so good at this? Thank you.

[kat727]

I think it helps that I am a psych major. I have done a ton of reflection and come to several conclusions along the way. I also have a strong desire to help others through this.

More than happy to help. . kat