I'm sorry you had a rough night and am happy to hear s is okay. You handled everything like a champ just as I knew you would:-)
BBQ chips and a diet soda sound like a nice combo. You know you don't drink any unnecessary calories and enjoy the full fatness of the chips. Although at 4 am a venti, non fat, half pump caramel mocha would have been delish:-)
Hang in there! You are one awesome lady and don't forget it.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Oh, Julie, I'm so sorry. H is a world champion a$$hat! The MLCers are such selfish, clueless butt heads! Why they can't think of anyone or anything but what THEY want is beyond any sane persons comprehension. I'm beginning to think that there is something wrong with their brains. That if you were to dissect them, they all would share some kind of abnormality that causes them to become such huge a$$hats. Or maybe it's in the genes. Someday the "a$$hat" gene will be discovered and a cure can be found!
It's not stressful enough to have your S in the hospital, no. He MUST make things even worse by having to bring in some home wreaking hussy and her brood. Can they (and I say they because your H isn't unusual in his behavior among the MLCers) not at all understand (or care) the pain they have caused and still are causing the LBS? They treat the people they once loved worse than they do strangers. If they only knew how decent, sane people see their actions. They are so concerned how they look (just like every teenager does), you would think they would be embarrassed acting the way they do.
Hang in there and be strong. Hold your head up high knowing you are the rock for your family. You are the one who they KNOW will always be there and can be counted on to do the right thing, not the easy or selfish thing.
I'm sending you all the strength I can muster, Julie. Not that you really need it. You seem plenty strong to me and as your H keeps acting like he is, the stronger you are becoming. You will get through this Julie, of that I am certain.
I was going to detail the hospital visit with OW and I still will layer just to journal it.
At the end of the day I was really feeling positive about my ability to not be affected. Yes I was annoyed and even angry about a lit of things today but I was able to feel it and let it go.
But tonight I learned that he still has the ability to shatter me. He started off ranting about how I was a cr@p mother and so ineffective at the hospital. (Remember how he left for 10 hours while I was there holding my s hand) he was referring to an incident in the ER when they were putting the EEG sensors on. S was flailing his head and pulling off sensors as they were putting them on. I was trying to hold his arms down. (H claims I was doing nothing) h takes over and holds his arms down and firmly restrains his head. First of all h 6"3 frame can do that and my 5'2 frame can not. Second there is a reason they get help if needed and don't ask already freaked out parents to step in and help with procedures.
Then he pulls my heart out by saying I should never have been s mother. That it was my defective body that caused all his problems.
How can anyone say that to the mother of their child. And go on and on about it as I break down crying because I have over the years blamed myself.
Is this even mlc? Maybe he had some other type of break that just turned him evil? Could this have always been inside him and I just didn't know.
He knows how to break me. I don't know how not to react to that.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
He is a jerk. Plain and simple. Don't try to figure out why. Anyone who spews that kind of venom is a damaged, hurt, angry person. I believe when people lash out like that and blame others it is because of their own insecurities. He is weak and can't face himself. The only thing he knows what to do is lash out at you because he feels inferior. Consider the source, Julie. Anyone who has acted this way just since a has been in hospital is no one worthy of weighing any type of opinion or input on your character. You have done right by your son and been there for him. Can he say the same? Don't ever feel responsible for this. Donyou know how many mothers out there would have to be accountable- unnecessarily? Moms do whatever for their kids and protect them the best they can. That's the bottom line. Don't ever doubt that or feel you did something other than love and provide for your s. Forget h. You are right, he knows how to upset you. What kind of a person would do that? Not anyone worthy of giving credit to their nonsense and hurtful rants. It is simply a way for him to feel better for his own weaknesses, but it doesn't work. It never will. Don't give it credence. He's a jerk. Leave it at that.
I just want this to be over but I am going to have to have this man in my life forever. I said that to him the other day and he said, no as soon as s was 18 we never had to see each other again. I reminded him that s was not going to be out on his own. That we would be caring for him as an adult.
Everyone thinks I should just leave but I have, no money and no one to help. Also, if I go, I have to start dealing with h wanting s half the time and that is not a good idea.
I just don't understand why he keeps getting meaner. He keeps, making these nonthreats. Like " you f'd with the wrong petson" last night he threw a ball at the back of my head and claimed it just went a stray when he was playing with dog. Then he went in bathroom and scratched up his arm and said I clawed at him trying to get the ball. All he kept saying was "you have no proof you, have no proof" he is crazy.
I called a woman's abuse hotline. I said I was afraid to call police because I didn't think anything would come of it and then h would just, be meaner. They said that was a very real possibility. They said I could try for a protective order but also unlikely I would get that since h hasn't touched me and threats seem empty and non specific.
And I thought I was very clear with OW but she continues to call and text.
Anyone know any loop holes. I make too much to qualify for a pro Bono lawyer but not enough to save anything for a lawyer.
I just feel royally s@rewrd
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I don't have any real short term solutions. Do you have a counselor? If you do have you told them that you are afraid and fear for yours and sons life because of his threats and actions like throwing the ball and scratching himself? If you have told them them you can go to the court for protection and take a letter from counselor to the court with you. Have you filed for divorce? Do you have any temporary orders in place? If you file a complaint there will be a hearing. It is possible to have language added to the divorce filing to protect you and son. this could be as simple as him agreeing to stay away from both of you.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Thank you LT. Yes I report everything to my therapist. She doesn't know about the ball and scatching yet. I have not filed yet as I am still trying to figure out how to get $. I think h purposely is vague because he knows it will intimidate me but he can say I misinterpreted. He is an evil genius. I wish he would simply say he would stay away from me and s. He wants 50/50 physical custody. I don't know why. He spends much less time than tbat with s now and is uninvolved with his school, doctors and therapists.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I'm so sorry Julie. Is your h planning to move out ?
Your safety is paramount. Curious.....how is h to the older boys at this point? Take care of yourself.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
JG, I'm so sorry you have that to deal with. It sounds very very unbelievably similar to my xh#1. It was psychological terrorism. I apologize for the thread jack, but I would like to share some of my past. I felt so hopeless and that no one understood the predicament I was in at the time. If I can be of any help, I would be glad to.
I didn't understand then, that by definition I was physically abused, because it was not in a way that showed up. No bruises, no broken bones, no proof. The pushing, hair pulling, using his size to stand in my way and intimidate me, closing doors on me, throwing things (like a ball at the back of your head)..... All of that. There was no help available to me either, in the way of hotlines, police (xh was even friends with most of the local pd and called them on me....). The gas lighting was constant. I felt hopeless and frequently thought I was going crazy.
I started with a pro bono L. She took my case because xh#1 removed me from all of our bank accounts before I filed, and I didn't have any money at all. Xh#1 got a high powered L from downtown... Very expensive. When my pro bono L realized who he retained, and that it would not be an easy case, she dropped me. I became nearly suicidal.
But, thanks to God, my kids and my mother, I kept going. I got a new job. I then found an affordable L who was very caring and decent, but he took a public atty job and had to drop me as well. I ended up getting a good L referred to me by someone with experience in this type of case. I spent a lot of money. It was worth every penny. I borrowed from family, which I didn't want to do. I also talked to her about payments. I paid her off probably 2 years post D.
At first, the judge bought into xh#1 facade of charm. The courts would not issue temp orders at all. The judge said that two intelligent adults should be able to come to a reasonable agreement....yeah. H told mediators that I was crazy and he wanted sole custody. That he would rather hire a full-time nanny than let the kids be around me. <<<<< big no-no in mediation, to tell them the mother shouldn't be in the kids' life at all.....even convicted felons get to see their kids.
Btw, my D went to trial. That's how much of a narc. bully he was. Relentless..
The good news is the truth did come out. No one in court believed him. I decided early on, that I would wear the white hat. I would be honest, and answer to all of my own behavior and reactions to H. It paid off. I got sole custody of my 4 kids.
My world was such a dark cave for a long time. The only two things I told myself to do regarding court, was remain calm, and always tell the truth. You see, when you tell the truth, no matter how bad you may think it makes you look, Its easy to remember what you said, because it just is. Xh#1 lied and thought he could outsmart the system. Time had a way of sorting things out. It always does.
My point is, no matter how long this goes on, and how bad it gets, you can and will be ok. Help is not easy to find, but it is there.
Meet with an atty for a consult. They typically have great resources for referrals to other L that can help your specific sitch. Ask people in D groups. Just talk to people you feel comfortable with, and find a good one. You will need it.
Again, I'm so sorry. It gets better. So, so much better. Keep going. You'll be great.
