It really helps to hear outside voices say that it isn't me; my inadequacies and fault. Doing some of the reading I've done since yesterday has really helped to validate how deep this cuts. That I'm not 'over-reacting,' demanding, and needy.
Porn has always, kind of, been a part of our lives together. It's just in the last 14 out 30, that it has taken over. I've always known that he was using it, but it has taken me all this time to realize that it is hurting our marriage. He won't deny me either, it's just that he never initiates. I guess when he thinks, "hey, I'm feeling frisky," that porn has become the easiest route. It makes me so sad. I wait as long as I can to initiate, denying myself, hoping that he will come to me, until I just don't want to wait anymore (God...sometimes I feel like a teenage boy). Is it a bad thing that I want him to want me? It shouldn't be, but I feel perverted, pathetic & needy. That is a thought process I need to work on...seriously!
Yesterday, when I was with my GP and talking to her about my depression and anxiety, she also gave me 10 valium to help with the worst moments (I didn't tell her exacts). I really hope it'll help me to sleep a little more soundly, instead of waking with his every movement, and fearing that he is headed to his office.
I'm beginning to recognize that some of the things he is saying to me is helping keep me 'in place,' and helping keep his routine running the way he likes it. And, that he is also, by talking about my inadequacies giving me clues to how he is trying to protect his habit, and how he feels about himself. Of course, he would find himself above all of this, and think I was being a drama queen by even suggesting this goes deeper than some harmless relaxing technique. Ugh...what a mess this is. I don't know if I'll ever be able to convince him that this has created a problem in our marriage, and to get help. That causes me to feel hopeless, and I don't like feeling that way. Also, I can't help but feel that I'm being disloyal to him, by outing him like this...he would be so pissed, but I really need an outlet.
Again, thanks for all your sound advice, it is helpful to realize that I am not the only one, and that it is, in fact, a problem.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
booklvr, in case it helps to hear it from a man, it would be my dream to have my wife be like you! No, it is not a bad thing that you want him to want you! I would LOVE it if my wife wanted me to want her, especially in a "perverted" way!! It all sounds good and healthy to me. It's your husband I don't understand!! He's the one who's pathetic, not you! How could you even begin to think otherwise?
What if it isn't an addiction, per se? Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive and paranoid. Maybe we just have issues that are preventing regular shows of intimacy. Maybe his use of porn is just a tool for relaxation. Maybe it isn't a problem; It's just me looking for reasons, and blowing it out of proportion. Ugh...I'm second guessing myself and spent most of last night feeling anxiety about labeling him. I mean really, I don't know how much is going on, maybe it's a normal amount. I feel guilty being here and sharing such a private matter. I don't know...
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
And I just have to add, I know the general advice is not to be "needy and demanding" about intimacy and sex. But in fact I wish my wife felt exactly that way -- needy and demanding for intimacy with me. I would take her to the bedroom so fast we'd be running. Or make out on the living room couch because getting to the bedroom would take too much time!
Get the picture?? Good god I can't believe your pathetic husbands!
What if it isn't an addiction, per se? Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive and paranoid. Maybe we just have issues that are preventing regular shows of intimacy. Maybe his use of porn is just a tool for relaxation. Maybe it isn't a problem; It's just me looking for reasons, and blowing it out of proportion. Ugh...I'm second guessing myself and spent most of last night feeling anxiety about labeling him. I mean really, I don't know how much is going on, maybe it's a normal amount. I feel guilty being here and sharing such a private matter. I don't know...
Yes I think there are issues, MHO is that he is depressed, either overtly or covertly. That has nothing to do with YOU, you cant FIX it or make it better. Until he decides to hit bottom and FIX himself you will stay in this cycle.
It does make sense. I do believe he is depressed; he prides himself on being able to 'control' his emotions and his ability to 'choose' not to express them. To me, it sounds more like denial.
I'm so uncertain about the near future. I feel like sh** is getting ready to hit the fan, and I'm worried about the long-term effects. I don't want to lose my marriage, but how much pain should I endure before I give up? My head is really messed up right now!!
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
I am not sure if the terminology is the same, but I think you don't need to give up but you do need to move forward. You need to protect yourself and stop being in PAIN.
Let him go, and focus on YOU.
If he is not meeting your needs then I guess I should ask are you meeting any of his needs?
