Hey all , ive been around for awhile and still have many questions . It seems as though Sandi's list is really to help the BS move on without spouse in the case that the WS leaves . I havent seen the draw in effects of detachment really much at all . Now I realize that sandi's list is partially for that because thats what it says ( you'll be alright with or without spouse ) But my main goal is to save my marriage and concentrating on myself is neglecting my marriage isnt it . Can someone chime in and help me understand why so much emphasis goes on working on yourself and so little on your marriage ? I mean its supposed to be counter intuitive DBing , but why ?
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
I was going to talk about your first post, but maybe this will help enlighten you on your most recent question, too.
I think you need to work on yourself in these situations because you really can't control your spouse. You know how you said you would have the patience of a saint if you could be sure your spouse was going to come around? Well, honestly, you can't be sure of anything except how you handle yourself, right? So - rather than trying to control someone else, look at yourself. Who are you? Who do you want to be? What do you want in this world? What can you control?
In my case, I stopped asking and fretting about 7 weeks ago. It was a strange feeling - because if you feel anything like I felt, you feel like your life is really out of control. This new feeling...well, maybe it's just acceptance that life is out of control. There's an acceptance of this is where I am right now. It's not the place I thought I was headed, but here I am.
What do I want? I want a happy marriage and a happy family.
Well...I can't really have the happy marriage right now, BUT, I can get to a place where I am happy myself, and that's better for my kids.
I can also get to a place where I am pleasant to H, but different from where I was before. The first day I tried this I cheerfully said, "Hi!" when he walked in the door. It was genuine, it wasn't over the top, it didn't ask any more of him...it was simply a salutation. He told me that simply cheerful hello was like a jolt to his system. It felt good. It felt like home. And I can manage "hi" from a place of honesty and friendship. It's easier than some of the other conversations that I hope to have with him sometime farther down the road. (Because I don't think he can have those conversations right now without running away.)
I've tried moving a little farther than that now, just in life. I smile more at people around me. I say hello to people at the store or on the street. I want to put some positive energy out there. You know what happens when you do that? You get positive energy BACK.
So - can't control spouse, but can control myself. I can control putting positive energy out into the world, and I can be pleased with getting positive things back. I can control being more in charge of my emotions so I'm stable for the kids. I can control looking for a job so I can be financially independent if things come to that place. I can control exercising my body and staying fit, I can control eating good things, I can control deciding if I want to volunteer or join a club or do something that makes me feel happy.
While I'm doing those things, I'm making myself back to myself...the person that my spouse initially was attracted to. I'm moving away from the "US" that we'd become, that had gotten broken somewhere along the line. At some point, he and I can look at where we broke and decide if we should fix it. Right now, I just need to get back to the real me. That me is a little different, because now I'm a mom. But I'm there, still. Lots to look at see where I've grown and what else I want to do.
It's a little scary, stepping from the ledge and away from the spouse a little bit. But this step is not so very far.
So, what do I want? I want to be happy. I ultimately want to be happy in a happy marriage again, but it will be a different marriage from before (and should be!). I also want H to be happy, but he's got to figure that out all by himself. It took me about 7 or 8 months to start feeling a little more normal again, and I'm not in MLC. Who knows how long it's going to take him? He's got his own issues to sort through.
Anyway - I feel strongly that I'm committed to my family, and that includes standing for my H. While his affair is awful and egregious and totally the most harmful thing he's ever done to me, I feel strongly that this is about him and not about me. I'm okay, today, for still waiting for him to sort through those issues. I hope he does. And we shall see...but until then, I'll do what I can do to be the best mom and person that I can be.
Dawgy - What do I want? I want a happy marriage and a happy family.
Well...I can't really have the happy marriage right now, BUT, I can get to a place where I am happy myself, and that's better for my kids.
I can also get to a place where I am pleasant to H, but different from where I was before. The first day I tried this I cheerfully said, "Hi!" when he walked in the door. It was genuine, it wasn't over the top, it didn't ask any more of him...it was simply a salutation. He told me that simply cheerful hello was like a jolt to his system. It felt good. It felt like home. And I can manage "hi" from a place of honesty and friendship. It's easier than some of the other conversations that I hope to have with him sometime farther down the road. (Because I don't think he can have those conversations right now without running away.)
I've tried moving a little farther than that now, just in life. I smile more at people around me. I say hello to people at the store or on the street. I want to put some positive energy out there. You know what happens when you do that? You get positive energy BACK.
So - can't control spouse, but can control myself. I can control putting positive energy out into the world, and I can be pleased with getting positive things back. I can control being more in charge of my emotions so I'm stable for the kids. I can control looking for a job so I can be financially independent if things come to that place. I can control exercising my body and staying fit, I can control eating good things, I can control deciding if I want to volunteer or join a club or do something that makes me feel happy.
While I'm doing those things, I'm making myself back to myself...the person that my spouse initially was attracted to. I'm moving away from the "US" that we'd become, that had gotten broken somewhere along the line. At some point, he and I can look at where we broke and decide if we should fix it. Right now, I just need to get back to the real me. That me is a little different, because now I'm a mom. But I'm there, still. Lots to look at see where I've grown and what else I want to do.
It's a little scary, stepping from the ledge and away from the spouse a little bit. But this step is not so very far.
So, what do I want? I want to be happy. I ultimately want to be happy in a happy marriage again, but it will be a different marriage from before (and should be!). I also want H to be happy, but he's got to figure that out all by himself. .....
Great post.... Making myself back to myself. YES for me, back to "I" not us. This IS the person they fell in love with. This is the person that they would be a fool to leave. Happy, cheerful, acting "as if" . Doing for yourself while being available for your spouse. Not chasing them away, but being in a happy place that they want to be.
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
Holy crap MLC . You just done a number on me BIG TIME. That was so beautifully written and struck a major chord with me dear . Thank you so much .Your right in every way . I just paralyze myself with fear of her leaving me and the kids that i cant eat , cant sleep cant do anything except detach because detaching alleviates the pain some what . I have so many regrets , thinking that i could have stopped her from behaving this way but then I realize maybe I couldnt have done anything .
Thers alot of conflicting information out there as how to behave and how to react . On one hand some people here are saying accept responsability for your role in the affair and on the other side people are saying its not my fault and her not me . But in the end I know what I want . I want to grow old with her and im petrified that she doesn tfeel the same . She did before because she told me so , but I guess the fog is in the way now and hopefully someday it will clear and she will want to be my wife again . I pray every night that she will even though she shows me everyday that its not in the cards anymore . Imessed up today when i texted her about an issue with one of the kids and I automatically said " love ya " like always without thinking and she replied back " ok " THAT HURT SOOOO MUCH
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Yep. That would hurt! But you have learned that an old, automatic response doesn't work right now. Okay.
So, learn some new behaviors. Don't end texts with "Love ya'" anymore. Guess what? I bet she'll miss them. That would be a 180 on your part, and she'll wonder where they went. LET HER WONDER. And if she doesn't....well, you won't be focusing as much on her responses anymore.
Be polite and pleasant and look your best. Guess who that's for? IT'S FOR YOU! (It's also for your kids, because you are REALLY responsible now for showing them how to be their best selves.)
Stand away from her right now. Watch her out of the corner of your eye, but really, really really take care of yourself.
I think that ultimately there's a little bit of it's all her fault and it's partially your fault. (WHAT?) Let me try to explain. You can't stop someone who is in MLC....I'm pretty sure that MLC comes from some brokenness that happened a long time ago. That said - there are things in your marriage which probably needed fixing. So....The affair is her issue, and the MLC is going to make things really crazy for quite some time (hang on for the ride and be sure you buckle up). Still--take a look at the things that you could have done differently. Probably some things! Take care of those things. If you end up with her or if you end up with someone else, you'll end up in a stronger relationship either way. Make sense?
I was just in the car, and Boston's song "Don't Look Back" came on. Great tune. I love the build up when they sing, "Oh the sun is shining, and I'm on that road." You're on the road, man. It's your road. Let the sun shine and learn some neat stuff about you.
One last thought: keep in mind that a lot of the bologna that they spew at you about you is really about themselves. It's called Projection. It's kind of wild when you realize that the thing that they're upset about with you is really the thing that they're upset about with themselves. Detachment helps a lot there, too.
Hang in there Dawgy. You're on the right road, and you're getting stronger every day.
I am sorry. I don't know your whole situation but I couldn't help but stop by.
Now the hard work begins. I want you to take a few deep breaths. Ok, now something you feared has happened. Did the world end? Did you disappear? No, to both of those.
I want you to take another moment and realize that you could not have done anything to stop her. That is why what lays before you now is the grand task of becoming you. In all of this turmoil, I imagine you became someone that you were not so happy with. So let's turn the spotlight on you.
What kind of man do you see yourself as? Have been living up to those standards? What kind of things do you enjoy that maybe your wife didn't, so you stopped doing them? Take some time and focus on you.
Don't reach out to your wife. I have said for years, treat her as you would the mailman, cordial but not overly personal. Don't step in to rescue or save her,she has to work all of this out for herself. While her life is becoming even more if a train wreck, you will be getting back to a person that you can respect and would enjoy knowing.
DB is about saving yourself. Hopefully you will save your marriage along the way.
Blessings, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Good lord thank you Kat . I was waiting for someone to answer me . I feel so broken this morning . Answering your questions I dont see myself in a good light at all right now . I feel weak and out of control. I want to say strong and independant but I feel ashamed and humiliated .
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
I understand totally. I have said that I will take responsibility for my part regarding our marriage but I will not take responsibility for his affair. He chose to go on that path.
You can and will get through this. There is another side to this heartache. The only thing is you have to make your way through Hades to get there. Now you get to choose your path. Do you want to continue to hurt and try to get your wife to see you and your point of view or do you chose to work on getting yourself to a better place by focusing on yourself and the life you want? There will be some triggers that will hurt for a while but as long as you keep the focus on you, you can get through those too.
I know you want to save your marriage but if you aren't in a strong solid place yourself, you won't be able to. Think of this like an illness. If you are sick and weak, you couldn't help pull any one up to a safe place. If you are healthy and strong, you will be able to pull others out of danger.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thank you for chiming in this morning Kat . I really need in put this am. I am a complete mess . Worried about everything . with out a wife who has cooked , cleaned and did laundry is going to be soo hard to do it all and work too .
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
