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And booklvr,

Sounds like your H needs help.
You are not going to be able to change anything by being more alluring, more flirtatious, more available and open-minded.

It's NOT YOU.

Read more about partners of porn addicts and you'll see what I mean.

I have no doubt that even now, if I blatantly came on to H with all the things he liked, I might get somewhere.

But I am not a prostitute, I am his wife.
All that would happen is that he would use my body while negating me as a flesh and blood woman with feelings and thoughts.

If I did that, I would feel disgusted with him, and angry at myself.


It's hard to get them into some type of treatment.
Like any addiction, they have to hit bottom. Or at least be faced with a loss.

If you continue to be willing to put up with it, trust me,
NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE except you will feel more and more frustrated and alone.

He's not the one with the "problem".
He's FINE.
He's making it your problem.

You've got to make it HIS.

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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booklvr Offline OP
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GG,

Thank you for your response. Deep down, I know what you are saying is right, I just feel such desperation right now. I want to fix my marriage, but I'm paralyzed by my emotions.

I don't know how to get him help for his drinking, or the porn. I'm certain he doesn't see either as being a problem. Currently he is in a negative state of mind, so he is unwilling to see anyone together. So, this problem is my own to deal with.

Everyday, it is all I think about. I will take a look for web-sites/forums that deal with this type of thing, and see if I can get anything helpful from there. Thank you for sharing your knowledge about the problem with me.

Last edited by booklvr; 07/21/14 04:34 PM.

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OK, I think we're in agreement about porn. I was only objecting to the implication that all porn involved the stereotype of unwilling, trafficked or drugged-out women being manipulated by sleazy male porn producers. Sure, there is that too, but "porn" is now such a broad category that it includes legit, illegal, private individuals contributing, in almost every country in the world, with stuff for every taste. And no, I don't think women LOVE the interaction -- but some of them do want to be on the screen and earn money. And a lot of women show up to try to be in porn -- the legit porn industry does not need to force any women to show up for auditions.

Another example would be the brothels in Nevada, like the one that was in HBO's most popular reality show ever, Cathouse. They got thousands of applications from women who wanted to work there because the money is good, the facilities are good, and it's safe (not because they want an interaction with men in most cases -- I'm not that stupid!) The problem is they can't get thousands of men to come in every day -- not enough customers.

But in these legit cases, it's still a very small percentage of women who would even consider such a thing.

No, the overall industry is not wholesome. But some selected parts of it are in my opinion. For example Cindy Gallops "Make Love Not Porn" website where she tries to combat the distortions of porn with realistic and loving porn.

I haven't heard of many of the types of porn you mention, which goes to show my level of interest in porn. Which I guess is remarkable given that my wife doesn't want to do anything intimate at all, even though she likes spending time with me doing other fun things. She's OK with hand-holding while we walk down the street, but I always have to initiate. I know, it sounds crazy.

I read your descriptions of your husbands with fascination in this thread because these are things I would NEVER hear men admit to in the locker room or on the golf course. I think some men lie to each other or just keep their mouths shut. Because any time a man talks to another about his love life, it's always being a real man and getting it good, or wishing he got it more often, etc. Never heard a guy admit he's hooked on porn and turning down his wife!!! Never!!

About your fast food analogy. I would say porn is not fast food -- it is only a picture of fast food!! A one-night stand or a hooker is fast food.

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Originally Posted By: booklvr
Tell me why, other than he doesn't like me, he wouldn't come to me.


I think he doesn't like himself, it has nothing to do with YOU!

You didnt break him and you cant FIX him.


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Here's an idea which would work in MY CASE if I were to imagine being a porn addict. But on the other hand, since I find porn rather boring, perhaps it's not a realistic idea?

If I were fascinated by a particular genre of porn, where the women were doing very particular things, or wearing certain items of clothing, I would be overjoyed if my wife took an interest in it with me to get a hint about what she could do. If she then said, "Well, hey, I can do that and you don't need the porn!", I'd have to check that I wasn't dreaming.

I'm half expecting to hear you've tried it and it bombed. In which case, I don't understand your husbands.

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Originally Posted By: ssmguy
I don't understand your husbands.

I think you don't understand them, and if you keep trying to use logic I am certain that it will fail.

Think more like ALICE going down the rabbit hole, nothing makes logical sense when you are in Wonderland!


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Been there, done that.

The problem isn't/wasn't getting him to have sex. It was getting him to do anything other than pornified, non-emotional, unconnected, rigidly structured, ED-affected encounters.

Read back.

I felt like a blow-up doll, to be stuffed in a closet when not in active "use".

It becomes very degrading and had absolutely NOTHING to do with me as a person.
It was all about HIM and he was 99% unwilling to learn and implement what I wanted.

Thanks, but no thanks.

I found he definitely DID buy Viagra.
I don't know for whom, but whoever she may be (unless it's just wishful thinking), I feel sorry for her.

---GGG

PS: I know "how" to get him "interested". But it would make me feel like a hooker...


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Originally Posted By: GoatGal
Been there, done that.

The problem isn't/wasn't getting him to have sex. It was getting him to do anything other than pornified, non-emotional, unconnected, rigidly structured, ED-affected encounters.

Read back.

I felt like a blow-up doll, to be stuffed in a closet when not in active "use".

It becomes very degrading and had absolutely NOTHING to do with me as a person.
It was all about HIM and he was 99% unwilling to learn and implement what I wanted.

Thanks, but no thanks.

I found he definitely DID buy Viagra.
I don't know for whom, but whoever she may be (unless it's just wishful thinking), I feel sorry for her.

---GGG

PS: I know "how" to get him "interested". But it would make me feel like a hooker...


Being a hooker for your significant other can be a great thing. But if he's currently taking advantage of your kindness it's the wrong direction totally.

If your doing all the pleasing, it's time for him to start pleasing you.

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booklvr Offline OP
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This has been a very interesting and educational discussion.

I think the worst thing about this whole entire situation is what it has done to my self-esteem. I always feel like I'm in competition with the 'other women.' Currently, if we are watching Tv and talking about the actors and he says she is pretty (or whatever), I can't help but instantly be jealous, hurt, and start looking for ANY flaws that she might have. Ridiculous, I know. In the past when we've talked about lack of sex, he's said things to me about being happier; in other words, I would be more attractive if I was happier. Ugh! That is the only response he has ever given me, otherwise, he won't speak up. For example, (and it is an example, I would never ask this) if I were to ask him if these jeans make my butt look fat, he will not answer. I would want him to say something like, "I love the way you look." But, since he won't say anything, I can't help but to fill in the blanks myself, and inevitably I'm meaner to myself than he would be, "your butt looks hideous in whatever you wear."

GG, I want to thank you for recommending I look for a SA forum. I found one that I think will be slightly more helpful than here right now. I've read some of the entries from the other wives on there, and it feels like I'm the one who wrote them. Also, there is a whole 'lesson' plan for MY recovery from this. I also went to my GP yesterday and got my anti-depressant upped (although, I still feel that sex would work better...lol). I can't see my IC until the middle of August, so I'm just going to try to learn more, and ride this out until then. I feel like I have decisions to make, but I am realizing I have a lot of work to do before I can make good ones.

Edited to add: This morning my sister-in-law posted a video to her husband's newsfeed (H's brother) of a woman belly dancing in fancy underwear. All I could think of is my H watching the video later, and finding it exciting. Instead of appreciating this woman, all I can do is wish that she didn't feel it necessary to tape herself dancing in her underwear, and posting it to the internet. I'm so down on myself, and jealous, I just feel pathetic.

Last edited by booklvr; 07/23/14 05:05 PM.

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booklver,

I'm glad you found some additional support.

And I think the ADs are a good idea. Use whatever works for you to get through this with the least amount of damage.

As I've said, I got a script for Valium because I couldn't sleep and was throwing up all the time. It helped. I rarely use it now, only when my mind is in overdrive and I need to sleep. It's a very low dose, still I'm careful with it.

--------------

Bear in mind. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
It's not about how nice your butt looks vs. people on TV.

That's what they'd like you to think, but it's representative of THEIR problem.

Look at ALL the woman out there of all shapes and sizes that are happily married, with great sex lives.

My H has even cheated with a woman who can't hold a candle to me in any way, except that her neediness, willingness to do whatever he wanted, and inferior status made him feel more powerful and better about himself.

I guarantee my butt looks ten times better than hers!

It's not about that. And a healthy man would be happy to have a wife who liked being intimate with him, was enthusiastic and open-minded.

That was me.
And it wasn't that it wasn't enough--- It was TOO MUCH!

He wanted to keep a distance between us.
Porn allows for anonymous encounters where he doesn't have to fear failure, or being uncomfortable, or whatever.

Not my problem.

If you stay on the SA group, you'll come to understand that you could be a super-model sex kitten and IT WOULDN"T MATTER.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking if you were just prettier, with a better body, sexier, willing to do things that you're not comfortable with, or whatever... that it would be different.

Maybe it would be for a while, but if he's truly got a problem with porn, trust me, it will not solve the problem.


As I said before, I could get my H to have sex with me, it just required me acting like an escort. Which I did, many times... until I got disgusted with it.
It got to the point that if I didn't put on a show, he wasn't into it.

And he was utterly unwilling to do ANYTHING to satisfy my fantasies. I did it for over 15 years. I'm done with that. And when I told him that, he just never touched me again. If it wasn't going to be "his way" he didn't want it at all.

Is that MY fault? I think not.

So don't beat yourself up or waste time with anti-aging treatments, plastic surgery, killing yourself at the gym... you'll just waste money and it won't work.

Do it for YOU if you like, but not for him.


In your journey, you'll learn that the things our Hs say to us to "explain" why they are such duds in the sack are mere deflection.

They push it onto you because they don't want to face the truth, give up the porn, or deal with their issues.

And if you don't believe me, yesterday I saw a reality tv show with one guy and the multiple women he couldn't choose between.

Not to be snarky, but to prove my point:
Let me just say that not ONE of these ladies was nude-scene material---heck, they wouldn't even be the most desirable matron at the church picnic!
They looked like this guy's mother, with dowdy clothes and fat rolls, wrinkles and bad attitudes.

Yet, here's this guy, and plenty like him, who want these women--any women--sexually.

It's not about how you look.

It's about how THEY FEEL.


As we speak my H is trying to hook up with just about anyone who will fill the void and give it to him how he wants.

I wish him luck, and I'm glad it's not me.

If my H were "normal" he'd be all over me like white on rice.
He's not. He has a problem.

And I count my blessings that he no longer "compliments" me on my appearance.
Because leering at my chest and saying "Nice TITTIES!!!" doesn't really count in my book when he otherwise ignores me.


Sorry for the rant, I'm just annoyed even thinking about it!

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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