Meghan, I feel the same, its such a shame because our WAS will never know how much better things can be, they will have to hit a wall first to realize, unfortunately its usually too late by then. big hugs also, you are not alone.
Me: 42 W: 39 D: 2 age 6 and 9 D-Day: Dec 29 13 Seperated: 3/20/14 Mediation retainer : 5/20/14 She filed: 06/25/14
Today has been better than the previous few days (I think more sleep has helped), but there are still moments where I feel blindsided by realisations.
He'll be back in a week, and I'll have to manage my emotions and responses while he's around.
He may have come to a decision about the relationship. But he hasn't voluntary talked about our relationship in months. He therefore might not tell me what his decision is for awhile, and I will have to function not knowing if he's made one or what it is.
There will be MC a week and a half after he gets back. The counselor will assuredly ask what his verdict is on the marriage, and then I'll know and will have to deal with it.
I try not to dwell by actively working on or thinking about something else, which is helpful, but they do come back. The fear and anxiety are profound when they do.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
MLP - no, I don't think the MC has to ask, but I'm pretty positive that he will. That was the central theme of our last session. He left us with, "well, I guess we'll see what H. says when he gets back" because most of what we talked about that time was hope for the relationship (H. has said he's at a 4 or 5 out of 10 and that he's one foot in and one foot out) and whether he could get past his resentment enough to work on this.
It's not that he absolutely has to come to a decision by next week, but H. sees this trip as a way to get some space, find himself, and sort out his head. There's an element of seeing if there's any chink in his resentment, too. He's also said he views this trip as a test of whether he misses me as a wife or just as someone he sees a lot, and that seemed to be a pretty big factor in his mind.
I suppose it's possible that he might not have come to a decision. But I'm afraid that the counselor asking him outright will push him into an answer even if he doesn't have one, and that the answer will be, "I don't know what else to do, so I'm out because I feel hurt and angry and resentful" (yep, that right there is assuming and reading his mind IN THE FUTURE, *sigh*). He doesn't seem to see any possibility that his feelings might change or that things could actually get better.
On top of that, I've been feeling like the counselor is pushing him to make a decision so we can move on from there, no matter what that decision is. I feel like a decision to end things would be premature - it's only been four months, and four not particularly good ones, either. To me, that's not enough time to effect significant change, and we haven't done much in MC other than talk about feelings and hear about how H. has things he wants but he doesn't want them from me anymore and doesn't think he should have to put in any effort at this point. So the MC pushing for that call to be made feels threatening, particularly when I get the impression that he's more interested in getting an answer and working with it than he is in more actively pushing to save the relationship.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
MLP - no, I don't think the MC has to ask, but I'm pretty positive that he will. That was the central theme of our last session. He left us with, "well, I guess we'll see what H. says when he gets back" because most of what we talked about that time was hope for the relationship (H. has said he's at a 4 or 5 out of 10 and that he's one foot in and one foot out) and whether he could get past his resentment enough to work on this.
It's not that he absolutely has to come to a decision by next week, but H. sees this trip as a way to get some space, find himself, and sort out his head. There's an element of seeing if there's any chink in his resentment, too. He's also said he views this trip as a test of whether he misses me as a wife or just as someone he sees a lot, and that seemed to be a pretty big factor in his mind.
I suppose it's possible that he might not have come to a decision. But I'm afraid that the counselor asking him outright will push him into an answer even if he doesn't have one, and that the answer will be, "I don't know what else to do, so I'm out because I feel hurt and angry and resentful" (yep, that right there is assuming and reading his mind IN THE FUTURE, *sigh*). He doesn't seem to see any possibility that his feelings might change or that things could actually get better.
On top of that, I've been feeling like the counselor is pushing him to make a decision so we can move on from there, no matter what that decision is. I feel like a decision to end things would be premature - it's only been four months, and four not particularly good ones, either. To me, that's not enough time to effect significant change, and we haven't done much in MC other than talk about feelings and hear about how H. has things he wants but he doesn't want them from me anymore and doesn't think he should have to put in any effort at this point. So the MC pushing for that call to be made feels threatening, particularly when I get the impression that he's more interested in getting an answer and working with it than he is in more actively pushing to save the relationship.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
MLP - no, I don't think the MC has to ask, but I'm pretty positive that he will. That was the central theme of our last session. He left us with, "well, I guess we'll see what H. says when he gets back" because most of what we talked about that time was hope for the relationship (H. has said he's at a 4 or 5 out of 10 and that he's one foot in and one foot out) and whether he could get past his resentment enough to work on this.
It's not that he absolutely has to come to a decision by next week, but H. sees this trip as a way to get some space, find himself, and sort out his head. There's an element of seeing if there's any chink in his resentment, too. He's also said he views this trip as a test of whether he misses me as a wife or just as someone he sees a lot, and that seemed to be a pretty big factor in his mind.
I suppose it's possible that he might not have come to a decision. But I'm afraid that the counselor asking him outright will push him into an answer even if he doesn't have one, and that the answer will be, "I don't know what else to do, so I'm out because I feel hurt and angry and resentful" (yep, that right there is assuming and reading his mind IN THE FUTURE, *sigh*). He doesn't seem to see any possibility that his feelings might change or that things could actually get better.
On top of that, I've been feeling like the counselor is pushing him to make a decision so we can move on from there, no matter what that decision is. I feel like a decision to end things would be premature - it's only been four months, and four not particularly good ones, either. To me, that's not enough time to effect significant change, and we haven't done much in MC other than talk about feelings and hear about how H. has things he wants but he doesn't want them from me anymore and doesn't think he should have to put in any effort at this point. So the MC pushing for that call to be made feels threatening, particularly when I get the impression that he's more interested in getting an answer and working with it than he is in more actively pushing to save the relationship.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
MLP - no, I don't think the MC has to ask, but I'm pretty positive that he will. That was the central theme of our last session. He left us with, "well, I guess we'll see what H. says when he gets back" because most of what we talked about that time was hope for the relationship (H. has said he's at a 4 or 5 out of 10 and that he's one foot in and one foot out) and whether he could get past his resentment enough to work on this.
It's not that he absolutely has to come to a decision by next week, but H. sees this trip as a way to get some space, find himself, and sort out his head. There's an element of seeing if there's any chink in his resentment, too. He's also said he views this trip as a test of whether he misses me as a wife or just as someone he sees a lot, and that seemed to be a pretty big factor in his mind.
I suppose it's possible that he might not have come to a decision. But I'm afraid that the counselor asking him outright will push him into an answer even if he doesn't have one, and that the answer will be, "I don't know what else to do, so I'm out because I feel hurt and angry and resentful" (yep, that right there is assuming and reading his mind IN THE FUTURE, *sigh*). He doesn't seem to see any possibility that his feelings might change or that things could actually get better.
On top of that, I've been feeling like the counselor is pushing him to make a decision so we can move on from there, no matter what that decision is. I feel like a decision to end things would be premature - it's only been four months, and four not particularly good ones, either. To me, that's not enough time to effect significant change, and we haven't done much in MC other than talk about feelings and hear about how H. has things he wants but he doesn't want them from me anymore and doesn't think he should have to put in any effort at this point. So the MC pushing for that call to be made feels threatening, particularly when I get the impression that he's more interested in getting an answer and working with it than he is in more actively pushing to save the relationship.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Thanks for the two by fours, Maybell - I could certainly use them.
Two and a half weeks seems like such a short time from here. I know there's a lot I can do, but when I think of how little it seems that I've accomplished in four months (okay, only one and change of DBing, though)...well, it's difficult to see that there could be enough change to make a difference.
Not that that means that I won't give it my all, of course. If nothing else, I'll probably be blowing up my own threads looking for support and advice. I want to maximize whatever opportunities I have and do the best I can with what I've got.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
