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Maybell Offline OP
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Thank you all. You are all exactly right. Sorry for the meltdowns.

Labug, I've been reading your old threads. Because it makes me laugh, I'm going to take one of your lines as one of my mantras:

Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead!

And repeat it every time I start revving my engine.

And, yes, my laser focus on a goal HAS been a problem in my marriage. Having a plan makes my patience utterly evaporate. It made my H crazy and was probably a tipping point issue from all the crises of the last 3-4 years (or more).

Thanks for the timely reminders you all. Big breath and I'm going back to my regular programming. As best I can.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Oh Maybell, you know I have a very similar challenge around getting inpatient.

I think there may be a way to use your goal orientation to your advantage. I spoke with DBing coach yesterday about clarifying my goals and right now it’s simply reconnecting with H. Any interaction I have or plan to initiate with H I think through the lens of that goal. Is what I’m doing or about to do helping or hurting that goal? I like having a goal because I’m goal oriented as well but it also keeps me in check --- for instance, I know that rushing things will hurt my overall goal of reconnecting. So I reach out but keep it very limited and back WAY off the instant I get signals that it’s too much. I also keep away from R or OW talks as I know that will push H away as well.

So since you like goals, maybe have a goal, but make a small, baby step one.

My two cents, fwiw


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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Maybell Offline OP
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Reading your old threads, labug, and seeing how wobbly you got too when your H started hanging out at your house more. So glad I'm ordinary human. I'm feeling less freaked out now. A big long cry helped get the crazy out and I'm back to work on my projects. Thanks for all the support, friends.

Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead!

But...

I'm not dead yet!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline OP
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And seeing how vitally important self-care is. Ok, I'm on it!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Apr 2014
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Maybell Offline OP
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Tonight was not a successful evening.

I was invited to a ladies night get together at the home of one of my daughter's friends. I was looking forward to the evening because it was all people who I know by sight but no one I know well. I got there on time so there were five of us there, including a woman in our extended circle who is going through an extremely messy and highly public and ugly divorce. Her H cheated on her with a 26 yo, same as mine, but he's been beyond ugly about it all. So the hostess, who wasn't aware of my situation, asked her how she was doing, and there follows a highly ugly, extremely detailed account of how horrendous her H has been behaving.

I sat through 15-20 minutes of this before I was pretty sure I was going to throw up and then I grabbed my purse, gritted out "I'm sorry, I've got to go" and bolted.

My hostess is a very nice person and she followed me out and the moment I got onto the sidewalk I was just sobbing. It was awful. Humiliating. And I had to confess why and that was humiliating and it took a while to regain my composure.

The silver lining here is that I acknowledged my truth, that I couldn't sit through hearing about the other woman's sitch, and I took care of myself. Maybe next time I'll have more grace.

My hostess was lovely and amazing, really nurturing and concerned. The woman who all this had happened to knew perfectly well my situation -- we share a BFF. (I don't particularly like her and I think it's mutual, but two of our kids are same ages and share activities, so...) R eventually came outside and apologized very nicely for being insensitive. I went back to the party, more people showed up, and the evening was sort of salvaged. But I was counting the minutes till I could come home.

This woman needed to vent and I don't grudge her that one bit. Not even a little. But I really needed to not listen to that situation. My body practically exploded when I got to the sidewalk, I was crying so hard. Pre-DB me probably would have quietly endured and gone home early. I went back in after I calmed down because I really, really needed not to go back to my quiet house. So I made sure I got my needs met.

What my husband has done in having the affair and leaving the marriage is tremendously hurtful and, many would argue, objectively wrong. What R's husband has done besides the affair absolutely is objectively wrong, period. He has been awful. The entire town has been talking about how awful he is, because it's gotten so bad it makes the papers. R's position to BFF is that I'm lucky, because my H had an affair but has otherwise behaved reasonably well; but SHE married a Bad Guy.

There is a part of me that questions some of this. Does having an A make a person a Bad Guy? This is why so many people think it's a deal-breaker. There are whole websites devoted to discussing and outing cheaters. When I think of people knowing that I let myself be cheated on and stood by my man, Tammy Wynette style, it makes me wonder... Am I standing for a Bad Guy?

I don't honestly think I am standing for a bad guy. But it's true that things between us are bad and he hasn't been historically all that interested in being a nurturer. And few people know what he did (I gave BFF permission to tell R because I thought we could be helpful to one another, before I knew the extent of her situation).

I'm not sure if I'm asking an answerable question here, but the incident was profoundly upsetting after I was just working so hard to regain my balance and I hoped processing it here would help. I don't think I'm at the bottom of it yet. Hopefully I'll have better answers in the morning.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Maybell Offline OP
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Woke up this morning with the bad taste of last night still in my mouth. I didn't sleep well because I suspect there's a vagrant sleeping in one of the outbuildings on my property and last night one of my friends, who lives down the alley from me, confirmed she'd seen a very sketchy looking character going down the alley but it didn't occur to her he would stay the night. I feel really vulnerable and alone. I haven't been able to confirm there was a vagrant because there wasn't enough disorder that it wasn't reasonable to attribute to the kids. Now they're not here. I may put a padlock on that door.

I also feel really, really badly about how I treated H when it became clear our first MC was failing. He wouldn't engage at all and I just got angrier and angrier. I couldn't understand what he wanted -- he just completely shut down. I couldn't reach him and I was so hurt and furious and scared I treated him really badly a lot of the time. I so wish I could do that over. Even if he was going to shut down so completely I didn't have to be such a gigantic b!%^h. Is there anything I can do to make amends for that?

Lunch with my SAHD friend & his kids today. Reserving my kayak lesson, more job search work, a run, and house projects. On the fence about talking to BFF about last night but afraid R WILL tell her and she's the sort of person who would take personal responsibility for that happening. I do not want to revisit it in any way. And I certainly don't want BFF, who is incredibly kind and supportive, to feel any need to apologize at all.

Last edited by Maybell; 07/24/14 11:53 AM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
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I waffle in the bad guy issue are they a bad person?

Am I a door mat for thinking of standing or return to m?

I don't think I know those answers, I don't think anyone does, period.

Last edited by Ggrass; 07/24/14 12:02 PM.

M 46 h54
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T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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Maybell Offline OP
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Every time I think I'm going to take a break from the boards I spend "just five more minutes" on labug's thread and find something new to process through. This morning it was a discussion about laying down the save my marriage banner and picking up the save me banner.

I lost my cool this week about the end of OW because I was carrying the save my marriage banner. What I tried to process through about that get together last night was more of the same. I think this morning I'm looking at the save me banner lying there on the ground and wondering when I dropped it, or if I ever even spent much time carrying it.

I don't care for R because she's like my dark side. She's vain and self-centered, ignores what other people ask of her when working in a group if she doesn't feel like dealing with it (this is also a characteristic of my husband) takes what I think is excessive pride in her contributions to a group effort, and attributes her children's misbehavior to others. All the work I've done since a teenager to accept people as they are, to be humble, to see myself as part of a greater whole feels threatened by her self-centeredness. (I don't give her this much attention generally, I'm just trying to articulate some things here). Her comparison of our two situations is the distilled version of what I don't like about her. But I could very easily be just like her, if I didn't work to be what I see as better than that.

Part of the reason her situation is the talk of the town is that she has made a mission of gathering support for herself by letting everyone know exactly how awful her H is behaving. He has become a pariah among his own friends as well as hers and not only does she take pleasure in this, she encourages others to as well. Then he responds outrageously and self-destructively and the cycle escalates.

I have behaved exactly the opposite. This doesn't make me better. Her H has behaved horribly.

I'm still not quite getting to why that was so upsetting. Nor why my first thought this morning was the deep remorse I feel for how I treated my H before he left. Maybe I'm acknowledging that I gave in to my dark side during that period? And I saw last night how poisonous it was?

Something about that word poison is ringing true for me but I'm still not quite there. Probably by the time I get to the nugget of truth in all this it will be so banal you all will be standing around giving me golf claps and calling me Captain Obvious.

Last edited by Maybell; 07/24/14 01:18 PM. Reason: Clarity

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
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Maybell,

I've had those same realizations, that both sides have their hurtful and negative personalities that existed in the past relationship. At the end of the day, the past doesn't exist anymore, the future has yet to be created, all that exists is today.

You are being strong today, you are improving you life today, you are working on you R in the best way you can today. That is something to be proud of.


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
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Maybell Offline OP
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I do think it's unfair and unkind of her to claim that my pain is less than her pain. Just because I don't go demanding it from the entire town doesn't mean it hurts less.

Thanks for the support, BigMac and Ggrass.

I do wish I could make amends to H for my bad behavior when we were going down the tubes. Since I can't for now I'm just going to go about my day as scheduled.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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